Sunday, February 22, 2015

2015 Oscar Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Movies

Before I get started on my Eighth annual attempt at predicting the Oscar winners, let's start with some background information.

As I state each year, I don't watch, rent or download movies anymore.

I pretty much stopped watching them when Hollywood studios began trying to out “special effect” each other in order to overcompensate for bad writing and a lack of original ideas, or as I call it, "the George Lucas syndrome."

My formula for predicting the Academy Award winners despite not ever watching any movies is simple. I use a combination of word of mouth, movie trailers, movie posters, and my own personal analysis of how Hollywood works.

So without further ado, let's pay homage to the Academy's yearly event to honor Hollywood's finest child molesters like Roman Polanski, Woody Allen and John Goodman, and try to predict the 2015 Oscar winners.

Best Supporting Actor:

5. Edward Norton - Birdman: Edward Norton could honestly give the best acting performance in the history of all time, but nothing will ever make me un-see the the horrible fake dunk scene he filmed in American History X.

4. Robert Duvall - The Judge: Considering his performance in this movie, it should have been called The Mailman, because Duvall simply mailed this one in.

3. Mark Ruffalo - Foxcatcher: Mark Ruffalo's Twitter profile reads, "I'm a husband, father, actor, director, and climate change advocate." And considering that he's an advocate for changing the climate, I don't think that his conservative political beliefs will endear him to the liberal leaning Oscars panel.

2. J.K. Simmons - Whiplash: If there was a lifetime achievement award for supporting actors, J.K. Simmons would have already own it.

1. Ethan Hawke - Boyhood: Shot over the course of 12-years, Ethan Hawke was originally cast for his role in Boyhood when he was still considered a popular actor.

Best Supporting Actress:

5. Laura Dern Wild: Laura Dern has made a career off of looking like Meryl Streep, so call it karma if you will, but I think it's fitting that she'll be going up against Streep now that she's been nominated for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar.

4. Emma Stone Birdman: Go figure, Melanie Griffith's daughter grows up to make porn, and Sharon Stone's daughter grows up to make mainstream movies.

3. Keira Knightley - The Imitation Game: Not to give the ending away, but at the end of the movie Keira Knightley turns out to be a dude.

2. Patricia Arquette - Boyhood: Patricia Arquette is hoping to become the first transgendered actor to win an Oscar.

1. Meryl Streep - Into the Woods: Meryl Streep reprises her role as a privileged Emory University student who ventures off into the wilderness of Alaska in the sequel to Into the Wild.

Best Actor:

5. Bradley Cooper American Sniper: With all of his Oscar nominations in recent years, you'd think that Bradley Cooper was a good actor...However, you'd be wrong.

4. Eddie Redmayne - American Hustle: It's not really acting when you just sit in a chair sipping on a straw while letting a computer read your lines...It's still better than anything that Bradley Cooper has ever done, but it's still not acting.

3. Steve Carrell - Foxcatcher: From everything I've heard, Steve Carrell was absolutely hilarious in this movie.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch - The Imitation Game: Move over Leo, now there's something meatier. Benedict Cumberbatch and his legions of "Cumber-bitches" have taken over for Leonardo Dicaprio as America's sexiest actor never to have won an Oscar. Personally, I like the term "Cumber-bunnies" better.

1. Michael Keaton - Birdman: From what I've heard, Michael Keaton was brilliant in his portrayal of a an ex super hero actor who is not aging well in Birdman, which is loosely based on Val Kilmer's life.

Best Actress:

5. Marion Cotillard - Two Days, One Night: The big screen adaption of Two Girls, One Cup, which while hugely popular, is not quite what comes to mind when I think of Oscar worthy material.

4. Reese Witherspoon - Wild: Reese Witherspoon recently revealed that she thought she was too fat and too ugly for Hollywood. As it turns out, she was right.

3. Rosamund Pike - Gone Girl: Honestly, Rosamund Pike wasn't bad in Gone Girl, but she was still better in the book.

2. Julianne Moore - Still Alice: As a red-head, The Red Mieni truly appreciates a fake red-head like Julianne Moore writing children's books like Freckleface Strawberry to help us better adjust to a world run by blonds and brunettes. And by saying that I appreciate her, I mean that she's a pretentious bitch.

1. Felicity Jones - The Theory of Everything: Talk about having to carry a role, Felicity Jones was almost literally forced to carry an invalid in The Theory of Everything...The only thing that might have been tougher would have been playing a leading woman opposite Bradley Cooper.

Best Director:

This category would have been so much funnier to predict if only Woody Allen had been nominated.

Best Picture:

8. American Sniper: Seth Rogan is entitled to his opinion (Michael Moore isn't, because he's proven himself to be an idiot), but I'm pretty sure that our military snipers just aren't out there shooting random people. In fact, they're out there doing some pretty bad ass things (see the the shot on the Somali pirate while at sea by our Navy Seal sniper). Just don't ever make me watch another Bradley Cooper movie again and we'll call it even.

7. Whiplash: Like Star Wars, 50 Shades of Grey has apparently released it's series out of sequence.

6. Boyhood: Shot over the course of 12 years, not since The Lego Movie has a film taken longer to produce. Unfortunately, Boyhood was no Lego Movie.

5. Birdman: The Marvel superhero franchise is starting to slip a little. Even worse, Aquaman is scheduled to come out next year.

4. The Theory of Everything: So Steven Hawking can play himself on The Big Bang Theory, but not in a movie about his life?

3. The Grand Budapest Hotel: The inspirational story written by Stefan Zweig and Wes Anderson about white people living in Budapest...Think about it.

2. The Imitation Game: Hollywood and the Oscars love straight guys who play gay characters, and had Morten Tyldum casted a straight guy instead Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game might have won more honors at the Oscars!

1. Selma: At long last, Tyler Perry gets the recognition that he deserves!

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