Monday, February 23, 2015

The Bachelor Blog: "Oh shoot!"

The Fantasy Suite date week began with Chris and the remaining girls flying Iowa to Bali, and my guess is it wasn't a direct flight.

First up was Kaitlyn, who saw get Chris get raped and then peed on by a monkey.

Is that pee or pit stains? When Kaitlyn told Chris that the monkey had peed on him, he wisely stuck with her account. 

After forgetting to ask Kaitlyn how she'd possibly tolerate living in Iowa, Chris got down to business and invited her to the Fantasy Suite by noting, "I am extremely excited for this night not to end." 

First up for Kaitlyn's sloppy seconds was Whitney, whom Chris to sailing just like they would if they were married, only back in Iowa it would be in a customized John Deere tractor on a sea of corn instead of luxury yacht and the Indian Ocean.

That date also allowed Chris to take his shirt off and show Whitney how fat he had gotten, just to see if she was just in it for his body instead of his money.

The Chris Soules we see shirtless in this photo is not the Chris Soules we're seeing shirtless towards the end of this season on The Bachelor.

While Chris had his concerns about whether Whitney would be willing to give up her cushy job collecting sperm at a fertility clinic in Chicago in order to move to Iowa with him, she addressed them by saying that she was all but ready to quit her job and start having babies.

Then again, maybe that isn't the best idea.

That caused Chris to offer Whitney the opportunity to spend the night with him, which she gladly accepted with open legs.

Last up was Becca, who Chris took Becca on a date to see a local village's medium, who when asked what they could do to make their date perfect suggested, "making love," to which Chris excitedly replied, "I like this guy."

However, the medium turned out to be a fraud, as Becca was yet to tell Chris that she was still a virgin and saving herself for marriage, which meant that Chris only got a blowjob when she spent the night in the Fantasy Suite with him.

After the three Fantasy Suite dates, Chris seemed confused about who to send home saying, "The only difference between these three girls is that Whitney and Kaitlyn have both had sex with me," which seemingly served to answer his own question.

When Chris pulled Becca away to speak with her before handing out roses to the two finalists, Kaitlyn and Whitney started to get just a little too excited that they were moving on.

Or as Kaityln gushed, "If Chris is saying goodbye to Becca right now, it gives me a great deal of excitement to think about that next step for us...I feel good, I feel happy.

But when Chris came back with Becca hand in hand, all Kaitlyn could say was, "Oh Shoot."

Sure enough, Kaitlyn was the one who was sent home.

And while Kaitlyn didn't seem to understand how she could be going home after she slept with him just days earlier, Chris simply explained to her that he considered it to be her parting gift.

Kaitlyn was clearly devastated, saying, "I don't want to do this right now, I don't want to get in," as she stood in front of her taxi while sobbing on Chris' shoulder, which caused him to promptly open the door for any true gentleman.

Not realizing that there's a 99% chance that she'll be named the next Bachelorette with her good looks and witty personality, Kaitlyn felt shame saying, "It's the most humiliating moment of my whole fucking life"

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