Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Her mouth is not a virgin"

This week marked the fourth episode of this Ashley I. the Virgin...I mean The Bachelor.

The show began with a Group Date that was billed as "Let's do what feels natural," so logically, Ashley I. put on her hair extensions and giant fake eyelashes in order to be prepared.

The date actually consisted of a car ride in a classic "hooptie" for a camping trip to what was billed as a lake, but was more likely a lagoon, or possibly even a cesspool.

There was probably more flesh eating bacteria and brain eating amoeba floating around in that "lake" than there was in Kaitlyn Bristowe's murky bikini bottoms.

Speaking of Kaitlyn, she decided to show Chris how much she was into him by dropping trow in front of everyone.

That seemed to take care of her agenda for the day as she declared., "I mean, he saw my tush - I'm feeling a-okay now."

Not to be outdone, the self described "virgin," Ashley I proclaimed, "For some reason I'm so shy with him." She then proceeded to jump in the water topless. 

Apparently Ashley Iaconetti comes from the generation where blow jobs and anal don't count against your "virginity" card. 

Some of the classier girls were less than impressed with the Group Date. Or as Kelsey said:

"This is a date made for bimbos...This is absurd. We're kind of like in the middle of nowhere, in very muddy water. I'm from Michigan, we have beautiful lakes. You want to visit a lake, you go to Michigan, you don't visit this dingy pond...I'm trying to enjoy this hell-hole. There are moments where I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing in my eye." 

By the end of the night half of the girls were drunk on whiskey, which meant that Ashley S. was babbling on incoherently about her tinfoil panties, Mackenzie was talking about aliens, and Chris was making out with anything that would look at him.

When Ashely S. finally got some alone time with Chris she took advantage of that magic moment by asking, "What are you? What are you? What are you?...That's a moon."

Ashely S. then proceeded to kiss him mid sentence before pulling back and randomly declaring, "I don't know, I mean...I love you, I love everything about you!"

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she declared, "I don't know if Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, because I don't know if she even knows where 'here' is."

As much for her whit as her tits, Kaitlyn got the much coveted Group Date Rose and promptly declared, "This is awesome, and I'm drunk!"

In addition to her never before besmirched lady parts (at least the "front door"), Ashley I. announced that she was also a "camping virgin."

She then snuck into Chris' tent in the middle of the night, because she apparently thought that waking him up by kissing him and rubbing his junk while he was half asleep and piss drunk would be the perfect time for her to tell him that she was a virgin.

But since it was so dark, and because Chris was so far gone, he didn't even know what girl he was talking to...But he was still happy to dry hump and make-out with her.

While Chris was off on the Group Date, his three evil sisters flew into town to choose who got to go on the weeks' sole 1-on-1 Date.

Jillian was concerned about how she looked since she was passed out at the pool with her ass exposed when they arrived, noting that was not how she wanted to be dressed the first time that she met them.

So Jillian Anderson was worried about how she presented herself since it was the first time she met Chris Soules' sisters? How about being worried about being dressed like that anytime?

In a cruel twist of forbidden love, Chris' sisters decided to give the 1-on-1 Date to Jade, which was surprising given that she's originally from Nebraska, while he's from that state's bitter rival when it comes to the corn harvest, Iowa.

Fortunately for Jade, a magical troll doll came down from the heavens in order to dress and disguise her for a surprise "Royal Ball" that even Chris did not know about.

Jade's fashion "Fairy God Mother" for her "Royal Ball" date with Chris Soules.

And with Jade receiving free "glass slippers" (a/k/a designer shoes), diamonds, and a designer gown to keep...All in within earshot of the other girls in the house, things turned just a little bit ugly.

For example, Ashley I. had brought her own "fairy princess" dress with her to the show that she put on and walked around the horse while eating corn in protest of not being selected.

I liked Ashley Iaconetti better when she was "Victoria" on Big Brother last summer.

In response to Ashley I's. behavior Chelsey joked, "She going to go sit in Chris' hot tub in her dress and cry."

Worse yet, the second Group Date called for the girls to get dressed up in wedding gowns, which only served to make the girls on the date punch drunk with love, and the girls who didn't get to go on it jealous.

However, wedding dresses weren't for everyone, as the theme of that date caused Jillian to say, "I feel like I'm out of my element," but only because she was wearing clothes that actually covered up her ass and vajay-jay for the first time.

The Group Date actually turned out to be a "Tough Mudder" themed competition, before which Jillian stretched her groin to make sure she doesn't strain one of her nuts. 

Carly was either very impressed, or less than impressed with Jillian saying, "(She) should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress, that's all I'm saying...Is her dick bigger than Chris'?"

Jillian Anderson might be the only girl this season with implants...To her biceps.

Going on to win the "Tough Mudder" themed event in convincing fashion over the other girls, Jillian felt that she had accomplished all that she came on the show to do, and voluntarily agreed to go home, mainly because she doesn't like men with dicks smaller than hers.

At the Pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party Ashely I. wanted to clarify with Chris that she was the one who told him she was a virgin on the Group Date camping trip..And I stress the word "was."

Or as Chris said, "I never thought that Ashley I. was going to tell me that she was a virgin." Nor did anyone else Chris...Nor did anyone else.

Chelsey probably described Ashley Ianconetta the best by saying, "Her mouth is not a virgin."

As it turned out, Ashley I. was contagious, because Becca also tested positive for being a virgin, or at least that's what she told Chris.

That proved almost too much for someone like Kaitlyn to comprehend, who asked, "We've got two, not one, virgin in the house? I can't make this up."

Confused with Chris' motives, straight laced Britt confronted him about why he was seemingly rewarding girls who were engaging in questionable behavior, and what it meant for someone like her for who really cared about him.

Fortunately, Chris reassured Britt about her concerns by simply walking away from their conversation out of anger and announcing to the house that if anyone wanted to question his integrity, they could leave.

In the end Britt got the final rose, just to send her a message not to speak up...while Ashely S., Samantha, and Juelia were the ones who were sent packing.

And as bad as Chris has been this season with being a gentleman, he at least took Juelia (the widowed single mom he was sending home) aside and told her how special she was in a meaningful way before she left.

On the other hand, Chris didn't really say anything to Ashely S. as she left after downing a half bottle of Evan Williams and three Prozacs while muttering, "I feel nothing...Chris all I have to say to you is, 'I feel nothing!'"

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