Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "If you weren't in love with me, I'm not sure why you made love to me"

This week The Bachelorette resumed in the Dominican Republic with an actual episode, as opposed to a "shocking" Q & A session which really just repackaged some old footage.

Better yet, the two remaining guys had to win over Andi's racist father, Hy, in attempts to win her hand.

Even had I been an Andi fan, that probably would have been a deal breaker for me.

And that's without the guys having to sort through the brain fuck they had to experience when they realized that the girl they thought they loved and her bald 300 pound father had the exact same eyes and perfectly egg shaped heads.

First up was Nick, who wasn't too cocky for Hy, but he might have been a little too, how should I say this...Northern?

Nick seemed to know that he was bombing with Andi's parents.

"This date is not going as well as I had hoped...The worst thing that could happen is that they'll think that I'm a jackass."

However, after a relatively brief discussion, Hy sold the right to propose to his daughter in return for some good southern whiskey.

Next up was Josh, who Andi hyped up as the local star athlete from the University of Georgia, which had to make Hy's adult diapers just a little bit damper than they already were.

However, Josh didn't necessarily get off on the best foot either. Or as Hy noted, "He's sweating, he's so nervous. This poor guy doesn't have a prayer."

Worse yet, Andi's mom referred to their introduction as, "This loud guy walks in." Fortunately for Josh though, she didn't put two and two together and recognize that he wasn't really a Southerner.

At least we didn't hear Josh Murray tell Andi's family that he was really from Florida, and not the South.

Like Nick, Josh also asked Andi's dad Hy for permission to marry his daughter, who found him sincere enough to grant his approval, especially since Juan Pablo lowered the bar of "whiteness" for him last season.

After Andi's parents got their screen time, Josh got Andi's first "final date," and Andi definitely seemed to be favoring him, at least as far as I could read between the lines.

Specifically, Andi took Josh on a romantic boat ride and kept asking, "Is this too good to be true?" almost as if she was unable to find any fault in their relationship.

To top things off, Josh made Andi her own baseball card, just to remind her that he used to be a low level pro athlete, with her name on the card listed as "The Murray's," and many fun facts about their relationship and a disgusting stick of bubblegum adhered to the back.

They then proceeded to make out until Josh's tongue started to chafe. FYI, Andi's tongue didn't chafe because of all the practice she had making out with the other guys.

Nick got the follow up date, but his fate looked to be sealed when Andi seemed to stand noticeably far away from him even though he was trying to hold hands with her.

It was also telling that Andi took Nick off-roading in what was more of a fun date (at least for southerners), instead of a romantic date like the one she took Josh on.

During their date Nick rambled on over a toast before Andi cut him off by saying "Cheers," and Nick said, "I know, that was terrible."

But while Nick seemed nervous, Andi kept telling him, "It's going to be alright," making it seem like he was back in the running, or at least making him think that he was.

Nick then recovered from his stupor to give Andi a necklace with some of the sand from the beach where either they first kissed or he said he loved her...Either way, you get the point.

That caused Andi to say about Nick, "There is definitely a mental/intellectual connection," which was her indirect way of saying that 'Josh is dumb.'

After obligatory shots where Andi walked out in her nightie...

Nick opened the door shirtless...

And Josh primped himself half naked in the mirror...

Andi declared to Chris Harrison that she had made up her mind.

And while the cameras showed Josh pick out his ring for Andi, Nick only received the dreaded knock on the door from Andi, and the writing was on the wall when he wasn't greeted with a hug...Just some ominous music.

Trying to drag things out as long as they could, we shot back to the studio audience where former Bachelor contestant Michelle, whoever that was, "spontaneously" stood up and interrupted Chris Harrison and asked, "I've just got one question! When are you going to announce who the new Bachelor is?"

That's when Chris Harrison shocked the world and announced that the new Bachelor was going to be Cody, after which all the ladies in America rejoiced.

Actually, I'm just kidding. Chris Harrison saved that announcement for later, and it turned out that the new Bachelor is going to be Chris Soules, the farmer from Iowa, not Cody, the personal douchebag from Chicago.

Chris Soules says "Eat corn ya dick!"

Andi used Nick's own line about the first time he got engaged, but woke up one morning and knew that something just didn't feel right.

Or as she told Nick, she was worried that they both tended to over-analyze everything.

Showing his true colors as a whiny bitch, Nick put Andi on guilt trip.

"When I told you that I loved you, I just can't believe that you'd be sitting here and telling me this right now."

But when he asked, "Is this more about us, or is it about someone else." Andi simply said, "I'm sorry," to which Nick responded, "God, wow, that's so fucked up."

Nick then pouted by saying, "There's just certain things I wish you wouldn't have said or done," before turning into a chick and throwing away all of the Rose Ceremony Roses he had saved.

Meanwhile, Josh was in tears before he even found out Nick didn't make it to the proposal.

Being a true romantic, and to remind everybody that he was once a low level minor league baseball player, Josh started off his proposal talking about how he gave up his first love, "baseball" before saying, "Now I've found you Andi Dorfman!"

It's almost like Josh Murray's one of the contestants who only came on the show to plug his career, only he already failed to make it as a baseball player, and nobody seems to know what the fuck he does now that his playing days are over. 

Obviously impressed by the way that Josh implied that she was his replacement for his days of using chewing tobacco and jock itch spray, Andi gushed:

"Josh I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, I've loved you since the moment I spoke to you."

But since Andi had to build some drama into her reply for TV before she said that, Josh replied, "You were scaring me, you were scaring the heck out of me!"

And with that Josh proposed, "Andi Jennette Dorfman, will you marry me?" Fortunately for him the cameras were on, and she said "YESSSS!"

To tease interest in The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, we saw Chris Harrison delivering Andi a letter from Nick and telling her, "I think you need to read this."

That was followed by a creepy shot of Nick saying, "Hopefully there is a lot more to come, with us."

Chris went on to explain, "That was actually Nick's second attempt to talk with the woman he loves,"  but he failed to deliver the first one because it wasn't in front of the cameras on live TV.

As Nick came out, the camera panned to dozens of white women in the audience with crazed looks in their eyes.

And while Nick had his own agenda, he didn't have a bad word to say about Josh saying, "I spent a lot of time with Josh, and I think he's a great guy...I don't think he'll take for granted what he has."

Nick started off by implying that he was pissed that she slept with him but still got sent home...But at least he learned what it's like to the be the bitch.

But when Andi responded to a question by saying, "I was not in love with him," Nick lost his shit.

He then went on to do his best to blow things up between Andi and Josh by saying, "If you weren't in love with me, I'm not sure why you made love to me."

Not denying what Nick said, Andi replied by saying, "First of all, that's below the belt. Those things are meant to be private."

And from there, things just got uncomfortable.

Nick went on to campaign, "It meant something, it meant the world to me," clearly having an agenda with the audience in mind.

Of course, if Nick truly had pure motives, he wouldn't have made a big deal about Andi using him for sex even though she knew she wasn't ultimately going to pick him...You kind of like Andi did with Juan Pablo.

And yes, that was hypocrisy that you smelled coming from your TV set when Andi scolded Nick when he outed her for her actions in the Fantasy Suite in the same way that she called out Juan Pablo for being a womanizer.

For everyone's FYI, Josh broke up with his last serious girlfriend five years ago because she kissed another guy while he was away, playing pro baseball...Just in case you forgot.

So with Josh coming out, we were left hoping that Andi at least told Josh that she had slept with Nick after her Fantasy Suite date with him.

Of course, Chris Harrison didn't even mention the subject of Nick sleeping with Andi to Josh, who came out grinning from ear to ear, making us all wonder if he even was aware it had happened.

Instead of asking the tough question that everyone wanted to know about, like "How do you feel about Andi sleeping with Nick after she slept with you?", Chris Harrison brought up Andi's father, to which Josh responded,  "I love Hy! That's my man, we're golfin' next week!"

Rather appropriately, and in response to tabloid reports that Andi was pregnant, the show ended with Chris saying, "Now that we've put the pregnancy rumors to rest," Josh interrupting and said, "I'm trying!"

Unfortunately, so was Nick, so let's not plan a televised wedding anytime before Andi parlays her experience as The Bachelorette and moves on to become one of the hosts of The View. 

No comments:

Post a Comment