Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "He just plants one on me. I'm like, 'You go farmer!'"

This week Andi and the guys traveled to Brussels, where Jean-Claude-Van Damme showed up in a suit trying to join the show.

In actuality, I should have known not to waste much time on this week's episode, because when Chris Harrison doesn't bill an episode as "the most shocking" or "the most exciting" Bachelorette episode ever, you pretty much know that it's going to suck. 

And that was exactly the case this week, although it did come out that Andi really is just using her time as the Bachelorette to posture for a full time TV gig, just as I had been predicting since she threw Juan Pablo under the bus.

Marcus kicked things off by getting the first 1-on-1 Date, and bored Andi at dinner before telling her that his dad not only abandoned him, but partially blamed him for leaving, and that mom was abused him.

"She did the best she could with me with what she was given and how her childhood, how she was brought up."

And given that Marcus was white and not black, Andi concluded that his experience as a child would make him do the opposite and be a good father, basically cementing him a spot in the final four.

Nick decided to make a big move, and stalked Ali in her hotel room after she came home from her date with Marcus.

Pretending he was Andi's husband who had locked himself out of his room, Nick not only got Andi's room number from the front desk, but a key as well.

Fortunately, he didn't have to use it, as Andi opened the door when he knocked, and went outside with him where the made out and dry humped like a couple of 14-year-olds. 

Josh got the second 1-on-1 Date, who Andi was physically attracted to, but desperately wanted to open up emotionally.

When Andi took Josh to an old castle, he told her that he didn't like it when he saw her talking to other guys, but smoothed over his over over-possessiveness by telling her that he was falling in love with her. 

That caused Andi to perk up with excitement to the extent that I thought she was going to let Josh screw her right then and there.

However, when she said to him, "There's only one more thing for us to do," she took him outside where they were treated to yet another private concert from a crappy band.

"Josh told me tonight that he is falling in love. Today is a day I will never give up, I'll never forget, I'll always have today."

At least Josh Murray might appreciate the ridiculous scarves that the Bachelorette contestants are being given this season.

...And for those of us betting like I was, I think we know who the winner is going to be. 

The Group Date only had four guys left, where they went to the ruins of another castle, which was within the walls of a monastery that apparently only had one rule, NO KISSING!

Nick was not pleased to be sharing his time with the other guys saying, "I cannot wait to never see you guys again," but he didn't say it in a cool or funny way.

At the castle, Andi snuck off with Chris and took him to a pottery barn just outside of the monastery walls where they had an awesome threesome with Whoopi Goldberg.

Like Josh, Chris also told Andi that he was falling in love with her, as did Marcus and Nick...Well, Nick only told Andi that he was going to marry her, but you get the point.

Pretending that he was a girl trying to manipulate a guy into telling him that she loved him first, Nick, teased Andi by saying, "I never felt someone fall...whatever."

When Andi pressed Nick about what the rest of what he was going to say was he said, "I don't want to put words in your mouth," and she totally ate it up.

Sure enough, Nick Viall got the Group Date Rose.

That caused him to say, "Andi gives me the Group Date Rose and I honestly feel like she just told me that she loves me."

More importantly, the other guys had to go home while Nick got to continue the date with just Andi.

That pissed the other guys off, who confronted him when he eventually came back to the hotel for being fake, too strategic, and a douche bag.

Nick insisted that he really did like Andi, saying, "I can't control what guys say about me. I can't control what guys think about me."

At the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, Chris grabbed Andi and took her aside.

And while I thought she was going to use that time to bitch to Andi about Nick, he just grabbed grabbed her and kissed her.

Or as Andi said, "He just plants one on me. I'm like, you go farmer!"

Chris Soules: So when Iowa plays Nebraska in football, who does the corn root for?

In the end, that proved to be enough, as while Andi commented that she was relatively sure that she wanted to go on hometown dates with Josh, Nick and Marcus, she selected "Farmer Chris" over Coach and Dylan as her final selection.

Of course, that was just because she preferred  Iowa's corn over Pennsylvania's Amish country, as we already know that Andi is going to pick Josh barring some kind of strange twist.

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