Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "I'll show you all the pictures, my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother with one arm"

With week one in the house having concluded with the flamboyantly gay Frankie and the racist and misogynistic Caleb sharing HOH honors, Frankie decided to take the lemons he was handed and try to make a lemon flavored shit sandwich.

"I need to make sure that Caleb is my best friend, and we can talk about all his Rascal Flats CD's, and all his beef jerky, and we're just gonna bond this week. I know it!" 

Strangely enough, Frankie and Caleb did decide to work together.

Caleb tried to justify his alliance with a gay man to his friends back home in Kentucky, Texas, or wherever the fuck he's from, looking at himself in a little too masculine of a light.

"I'm the country guy. You know, the tatted up big muscle bound guy. He's the feminine with purple hair. We live two completely different lifestyles, but we mesh so well together."

For whatever it's worth, I'm calling Frankie and Caleb the "Brokeback Alliance." 

Thereafter, we saw the formation of the "Bomb Squad" alliance, which was an all jock alliance plus Frankie, who's plan was to target all of the floaters.

Devin bailed on his "DD" alliance with Donnie in order to join the Bomb Squad, while Jocasta took a less intelligent approach to the game saying, "The only alliance I have is with God."

While they weren't close to anyone else in power, Christine and Nicole bonded over being nerdy, less overtly sexy than the other girls, and having over-sized glasses.

"Me and Nicole are just simple girls, and we shop at Walmart. We connect on things that aren't about makeup."

Sadly, when I complained last year that Big Brother casting was going too far in the direction of pageant queens, models and aspiring Maxim models, "The Girls of Walmart" wasn't quite what I had in mind.

Proving that gay men have no souls, Frankie wanted to put Victoria up for eviction even though they had immediately bonded inside the house.

Caleb wanted to target Hayden, who he clearly saw as his biggest threat after the initial POV Competition.

For the initial nominations, Caleb nominated Donnie and Pow Pow, while Frankie put up Victoria and Brittany, with both of the HOH's reasoning that they simply went with the first four contestants who dropped out of their respective HOH Competitions.

Thinking that she was Frankie's hag, Victoria was less than pleased to be nominated by him. "I wanna shove that you know what, in you know where."

Strangely, the 42-year-old school janitor Donny bonded with the ex-Maxim girl turned New York DJ Paola, a/k/a "Pow Pow," in a non-sexual way...At least I hope.

Then again, when Donny asked Paola, "What is it about me that you actually like," Pow Pow responded by saying, "You're kind of like a father figure."

Then, like any successful stripper, Paola Shea showed her ass and asked Donny if he wanted to buy a lap dance.

Frankie pulled Victoria aside and tried to tell her that she wasn't going home, and that he only nominated her because of who Caleb nominated.

However, Victoria wasn't buying his Broadway song and dance.

Thinking the game was all about him, Devin decided to go all "Sarah Palin," and asked Christine and Amber to join the all guy "Bomb Squad" alliance.

And while he said he did so because he thought that the "all guy" thing had been done before, it was clear that he had the hots for Amber, just like his bromance partner, Caleb.

Of course, it probably would have helped had Devin asked his fellow alliance members first.

Devin also became paranoid when he heard Donnie cracking jokes and didn't believe that he's really a janitor, proving that Devin's even dumber than Donnie.

Even the Bomb Squad started to grumble over Devin's behavior, with Zach commenting, "Having Devin in your alliance is 'no bueno.'"

The first ever Battle of the Block was set up 1920's ballroom style with swings hanging from the ceiling. That caused Frankie to exclaim, "I love it!" even though he wasn't even competing.

The competition required each two person team to swing towards each other and toss champagne from a glass into a vat that their partner was holding in order to fill it the fastest.

Victoria and Brittany ended up killing Donnie and Pow Pow, mainly because Pow Pow apparently never learned how to swing.

Having removed themselves from the nomination block, Brittany yelled to Victoria, "I told you everything's better with wine!"

Caleb also emerged as the sole HOH saying, "The Battle of the Block is over, and country boy is still HOH!"

Thinking that he was likely going home, Donny began to cry, not because he thought he was going home, but because everyone was being so nice to him despite the gaps between their ages and IQ's.

"These young kids care about me got me emotional. Just how nice they were, how sweet and kind they were to me."

Even the admittedly selfish Paola wanted to put Donny's game in front of hers, to which she acknowledged "is just not like me at all...I feel bad for Donny because it's very tough for me to see a grown 42-year-old man cry in front of me."

And for Paola "Pow Pow" Shea, usually it's the other way around.

And strike what I just wrote about the rest of the house being smarter than Donny. 

First off, Nicole let it slip that she was just using her time in the Big Brother house to audition for a role on Ghost Hunters or Paranormal Activity.

"I really do believe in my heart that ghosts exist, and I'm 100% sure that one's living in the Fire Room, and I'm not kidding."

Worse yet, Christina believed her.

"I'm scared to death that I'm going to be voted out week one, but...I can't be voted out if I'm dead, dead by ghosts."

Not only did Devin continue to obsess over Donny having some sort of secret identity, but he also convinced Caleb of it.

Completely over thinking the game, which I'm sure was difficult for someone like Caleb to do, he came to the conclusion that Donny was ex-military special forces.

"He's ex military, I knew it from the moment he pulled his socks up, army boots rubbed his hair raw...I know it for a fact."

That left Frankie nearly speechless.

"Devin is unbelievable. Now he's convinced Donny is a secret super soldier. So what's next Devin? Is he Justin Bieber in a beard? Is it Lady Gaga's new character persona? Is he Ariana Grande's brother? Is that it?

When Devin finally confronted Donny about who he really was, Donny pleaded his stupidity by saying, "I'll show you all the pictures, my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother with one arm."

With Caleb having to name four "Have-Nots" for the week, Joey, Hayden and Brittany all volunteered.

That left them with frozen slop, or "slopsickles" as their primary food source for the week, or as someone yelled, "It smells like ass!"

The "Have-Nots" also had to spend their nights in a frozen Ice Room, that may or may not have been haunted like the Fire Room was. 

Joey tried to put together an "All Girl" alliance not knowing that Amber was already a member of the Bomb Squad, or what Joey suspected was an "All Guy" alliance. 

Sure enough, Amber threw Joey and her plan under the bus to Caleb, who immediately targeted Joey for eviction.

For some reason Joey confessed to Devin that she tried to start an "All Girl" alliance but went down in flames trying.

That caused Devin to comment, "Joey, you admitting that you tried to start an 'All Girl' alliance just proved to me that your the worst player in BB history.

And while telling Devin that was not necessarily the smartest move on Joey's part, she's still not as dumb as Devin is for thinking Donny was some sort of government sponsored killing machine.

The POV Competition had the contestants jump in a pool and retrieve letters one at a time in order to spell longest word in the time they were allotted.

Caleb made the mistake of thinking that he'd be competitive because he graduated high school, while Pow Pow called the competition the "worst foam party I've ever been to."

Donny didn't like his odds saying, "Maybe they think that I'm smarter than I let on, and I'm not."

However, it was Cody who misspelled the word "competitively."

When Pow Pow didn't even come up with a word in a competition that she needed to ensure her safety in the game, Donny accidentally came up with an eight letter word, "splitters," and won the POV.

With Donny taking himself off the block, Caleb chose Joey as a replacement nominee, and that gave Pow Pow hope.

"I'm still on the block, but it's okay, because I've got big mouth Joey standing next to me."

Apparently Joey's strategy on Big Brother After Dark was to show everyone her ass and boobs to take their minds off of her giant mouth. 

Knowing that she was in trouble, Joey brought out her male alter ego, Alex, who lobbied the girls to stick together and keep her in the game by walking around the house in pants with a stuffed crotch, a drawn on beard, and yelling at people like she was a giant douche bag.

So in other words, Joey dressed up like Caleb Reynolds.

Speaking of Caleb, he made a unilateral decision that Amber wanted him.

His reasoning? "She never wants to be alone in the same area as as not to show people."

Unable to help himself, or should I say control himself, Caleb did his best to completely creep Amber out by putting her on the spot and saying, "I see the way you look at me during the day...You look at me a lot."

Politely rejecting Caleb's advances, Amber left the room saying, "This is so uncomfortable."

Sadly, neither Joey's boobs nor her fake penis were enough to save her, and she was evicted in a unanimous vote.

After Joey was evicted, the house guests immediately moved to a "Greek Week" themed HOH Competition where they had to successfully transfer six kegs of beer across a balance beam, or as we called them in college, "a sidewalk."

With the girls competing against the girls, and the boys against the boys, Amber won the female HOH. Surprisingly, frat boy Zach didn't even finish in the running for the guys.

In the end, Cody was announced as the other HOH.

However, instant replay showed that he fell of his balance beam with his leg hitting the ground just before he hit his buzzer, which DQ'd him and gave the crown to Devin instead.

That turned out to be a pretty big change when it came to who was in charge.

Or as Frankie said even after Devin picked him up and smacked him on his ass, "I feel like Devin just going to do crazy things like he's been doing all week, and I don't really trust him."

Big Brother 16 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the second week.

15. Jocasta Odom - How this ultra religious loudmouth (although not yet on the show) managed to avoid nomination over some younger and more likeable contestants is beyond me.

14. Brittany Martinez - Devin seems to hate her, and with Devin winning HOH on a technicality...

13. Paola Shea - Her willingness to get naked moves her up several slots on this list, or from #15 to #13.

Paola Shea: Pow Pow trying to cover her fake pillows with a pillow.

12. Donny Thompson - Honestly, I've been dogging on Donny, but he seems like a really nice and likable guy who would never do anything to hurt anybody. Then again, so did the dude from Slingblade.

11. Victoria Rafaeli - When Frankie won HOH Victoria declared, "Obviously, I need to be treated like a princess, so that bathroom is meant for the princess. Because Frankie won HOH I'm going to get to shower there all week."

10. Zach Rance - While he's currently unemployed, Zach is going to parlay his Big Brother experience into one heck of a job as a used car salesman.

9. Nicole Franzel - As they say in the South, "Bless her heart." As we say in the North, "She's fucking stupid." 

8. Hayden Voss -
Hayden seems to be playing both sides, which is dangerous, yet intriguing in an experimental gay kind of way.

7. Derrick Levasseur -
We kind of find it ironic that this cop from Rhode Island has a pig nose.

Derrick Levasseur: Oink Oink, my good man!"

6. Cody Calafiore -
Last week I wrote about Zach, "This guy is so closet gay, I'll be shocked if he isn't hooking up with Frankie in another few weeks." It turns out I was wrong, Cody wasn't the closet gay guy, it was Zach.

5. Amber Borzotra -
She's in the guy alliance, they all love her, and she's pretty hot.

Amber Borzotra: Plus she gets naked...What's not to like?

4. Caleb Reynolds -
Caleb thinks he is running the game, I just hope that someone has the balls to stand up to him...Unfortunately, Joey got sent home.
3. Devin Shepherd -
Devin is a complete idiot, but as HOH, he's at least safe for part of the week as one of the two HOH's.

2. Christine Brecht -
Does anybody else think that Christine might be Will Heuser's sister, or maybe even Will impersonating a female to get back on the show?

Nevermind, he's already done that.

1. Frankie Grande -
Make no mistake about it, Frankie is running this game. He's taken charge of what was once the all male alliance, he has all of the girls wanting to be his hag, and he has a "straight" guy as his spoon buddy.

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