Monday, June 30, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "You're the most Broadway person I've ever seen!"

The season of Big Brother 16 began with host Connie Chung introducing several twists.

The first of which, and most importantly, was that neither Rachel Reilly, nor anybody related to her by blood, marriage or sexually transmitted disease made it on to this year's show.

Although I'm not officially ruling Paola Shea,a/k/a "Pow Pow," out from being Rachel's "Eskimo sister."

Other twists included the announcement that there would be two Head of Households selected each week, neither of whom would necessarily be safe from eviction.

Specifically, a new type of challenge called the Battle of the Block will put the two nominees of each HOH up against one another.

The winners of that competition would then get to remove themselves from the block, and in the process, make the losing HOH eligible to be back-doored as a replacement nominee.

Finally, America is going to get a say in who gets to perform secret missions for possible cash prizes as part of "Team America."

Sadly, America will not be able to vote for Rachel Reilly's sister, Elissa Slater, to win any more money in addition to what she has been gold digging from her rich, and much older, Canadian husband like they did last year. 

Only eight contestants were introduced in the first episode, allowing them to bond before the remaining eight entered the house. 

Joey proclaimed that the only people that she would have problems with are high maintenance girls, which would seem to automatically put her at odds with Paola, the whore DJ from New York.

Paola Shea's ass: Then again, you can't be all that high maintenance when you don't have any clothes to put on.

Joey did seem to form an instant bond with the flamboyant and pink haired, Frankie, who had visions of ponies, rainbows, and camaros.

"I see Joey, she has this crazy amazing blue hair, and I was like, I'm the pink Lil' Pony, and you're the blue Lil' Pony, all we need is the camo Lil' Pony."

The last part was a joke in reference to Donny, the camouflage wearing janitor from North Carolina who at one point said, "I'm not whistlin' just to be whistlin', I'm whistlin' to distract them,"  as he tried to entertain the house by making bird and insect noises.

I can't tell if Donny Thompson is one of the "Soggy Bottom Boys" or a slightly retarded Duck Dynasty reject. 

In addition to Frankie, Joey gained a fan in Devin, who expressed a sexual interest in her, calling her a "10."

After the original eight house guests formed an alliance that they called "The Crazy Eights," the four girls made a secret sub-alliance that the called "El Cuatro."

That seemed to confuse Nicole who said, "I'm all about girl power, but what does "El Cuatro mean?"

The seasons' first HOH competition was an endurance contest that involved hanging on to a rope and walking on a rotating beam without falling off.

Paola took a break from competing to say, "I can't help but look at Cody's delicious abs."

And by abs, Paola meant Cody Calafiori's pubes.

With many of the contestants seemingly throwing the HOH Competition, Frankie won the first HOH, not yet realizing this year's twist where he wouldn't necessarily be safe from eviction, or even that there would ultimately be another HOH.

Meanwhile, Joey was voted the first member of "Team America," and she accepted that challenge.

As the remaining eight players entered the house in the season's second episode, Frankie seemed to strike up a rivalry with Caleb, shooting out a passive aggressive glance when Caleb introduced himself as a 'hunting adventure guide from a small town in Kentucky."

However, Frankie did immediately strike up a friendship with Victoria, who seemed over eager to become his hag.

Since the worth of a gay man is inversely proportionate to the beauty of his hag, I'm pretty sure that Frankie Grande can do worse than Victoria Rafaeli.

Zach did his best to impersonate the homophobic Big Brother All-Star, Jeff Schroeder after Frankie told the house that he had been in Mama Mia!

Zach not only asked what Mama Mia! was, but after learning that it was a Broadway play, he blurted out, "You're the most Broadway person I've ever seen!" ...Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The second HOH had the final eight contestants straddling a rotating pole. Unfortunately, Paola didn't get to play.

Some of the contestants like Brittany seemed less concerned with winning HOH than how they looked, as she yelled out, "How's our butts look?"

Fortunately, somebody yelled back, "It's a rotating nice butt rotisserie, which apparently made her happy.

Caleb seemed to underestimate his competition, saying, "I got this little 21-year-old skater boy who looks like he couldn't hurt a fly hangin' on."

Of course, as an ex-college hockey player, Hayden could probably beat Caleb's ass to a pulp.

Caleb did end up hanging on the longest, but with perhaps some new found respect, he told Hayden that he would be safe since he was so strong in finishing in second place.

Of course, Caleb won before Connie Chung informed Caleb and Frankie that with two HOH's that neither was necessarily safe from elimination, which lead to a little more tension between the two polar opposites, Frankie and Caleb...I'm just hoping that they have to share a room!

Big Brother 16 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the first week.

16. Jocasta Odom - I'm pretty sure I heard the ultra religious, ultra bitchy Jocasta say, "I've done a lot of things, I've done a lot of people, men, women. My past is my past," possibly making her the biggest religious whore since Jim Baker. 

15. Caleb Reynolds - Calling himself a "metro-sexual cowboy," if Caleb's cockiness doesn't get the best of him, Paola's STD's will.

I had no idea that "metro-sexual cowboy" meant "really bad stripper persona." Plus, the idea of "The Naked Cowboy" has already been trademarked.

14. Donny Thompson - Upon learning that he was selected for Big Brother 16, Donny said, "I gotta pack my jeans. This is my fancy clothes. This is what I wear to church, I don't have any fancy britches."

13. Brittany Martinez - Recently divorced with three kids, Brittany claims that she's not going to hook up in the house...Let's see how that plays out.

12. Derrick Levasseur - Missing his wife and kids, Derrick immediately befriended Brittany under the guise of bonding over missing their family...Does anyone else smell smoke?

11. Christine Brecht - Does anybody else think that Christine might be Mike Boogie's daughter?

If you check out the beaks and specs on Mike Boogie and Christina Brecht, they seem to have a lot in common.

10. Nicole Franzel - Nicole might be a little bit overwhelmed in the house.

Or as she said, "I am a Big Brother super fan...I'm in the house, and all I keep thinking is Nicole, don't pee your pants. Sometimes that happens if I laugh too hard." Sounds like someone needs to do her Kegel's.

9. Devin Shepherd - Devin needs a little help in this game. Devin likes Joey. Joey is white. Joey is a little on the thick side...You do the math.

8. Paola Shea - This aging soft core porn model has shifted her attention to being a DJ in the real world. In the Big Brother house, she seems to have a bit of an overinflated view of herself.

Or as Paola said, "In the real world, I can get any guy that I want, but in the Big Brother house, you have to be careful."

She then immediately began flirting with the 23-year-old douche bag Cody, seductively saying, "So, you're like a baby!"

Paola Shea is from New York, and she loves to go topless.

7. Victoria Rafaeli - During the HOH Competition, Victoria screamed, "I'm too pretty to black out," just before she fell and became the first contestant eliminated.

And by "pretty," Victoria Rafaeli meant "high maintenance."

6. Amber Barzotra - Amber was pretty low key in the first two episodes, but I do like that she's in two different alliances and is not the figurehead for either. 

5. Cody Calafiore - This guy is so closet gay, I'll be shocked if he isn't hooking up with Frankie in another few years.

Cody Calafiore: Are you happy to see me, or is that just a sock in your jock? Sadly ladies, it was just a sock.

4. Frankie Grande -While he seemingly has a target on his back as an outgoing personality and early HOH, Frankie say relax!

Frankie Grande, relaxing Big Brother style...

Frankie Grande, Ariana Grande's brother.

3. Hayden Voss - Hayden seems like the perfect combination of a fun guy, a strong physical player, and someone who is under the radar smart, having been on the Dean's List throughout his collegiate career despite his current career as a pedicab driver.

2. Zach Rance -Alright, I have this jackass ranked too high, but I'm too lazy to go back and re-arrange everyone's positioning.

1. Joey Van Pelt - Not only did Joey come across as being very likable as I had predicted, but she actually likes men, which was something that I didn't. Okay, the second part has nothing to do with the game, it was just for me.

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