Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "Sorry, I'll shut up, it's not helping"

This week marked the first half of the grand finale of Desiree's season of The Bachelorette, which consisted of the first two hours of a two part four hour long final episode...Or as other TV shows would call it, the fourth and third to last episodes.

Desiree's final choice came down to Chris and Brooks...And for some reason Drew was still on the show too.

The episode began in Antigua, where Drew got his obligatory date out of the way first.

Des tried to explain why she had kept Drew around. "His abs, his eyes, his face, his body looks amazing...I don't know, he makes me feel good."

And after establishing that Des has little self esteem, she and Drew ended up in the Fantasy Suite due to a rain storm, where Des successfully invited him to stay in the Fantasy Suite for the night.

That seemed to be going well, because Drew kicked the camera crew out.

If America didn't know Des was serious about Chris before their date, we knew for sure when the Batch-Copter returned to pick them up on a beach, and then flew off to a deserted island for a classic Bachelor/Bachelorette inspired picnic.

Seriously, you could bounce quarters off that ass. Desiree Hartsock's isn't so bad either.

When asked, Des told Chris she'd be open to moving to Seattle with him. Then again, that wasn't exactly an emphatic "yes" either.

Des then invited Chris to the Fantasy Suite, where he read her poetry all night long, and the camera crew was not asked to leave.

Brooks admitted to being nervous before his date with Des, realizing that he was going to have to come out of the closet on national TV after his "gay guy on The Bachelor" stunt went just a little bit too far.

However, Brooks first had to fly back home to Boise, Idaho in order to break the news to his mom and sister.

Even harder, Brooks still had to come out to Des, who was unknowingly his hag, because heading into their date she admitted that she had deeper feelings for Brooks than either Chris or Drew.

Brooks first met with Chris Harrison whom he told, "I can't pinpoint something like why I don't feel crazy in love with this woman." That is, aside from the part where she's a woman.

When Chris urged him to go to the Fantasy Suite and "talk it out," Brooks politely declined the ABC's offer to have sex with a beautiful woman on national TV.

"I feel like if I don't feel it at this point, I'm not going to feel it." And by saying "at this point," Brooks essentially meant his entire life since puberty.

As Brooks was clearly hoping that Chris would tell him that he could simply go home, Chris broke the news that he didn't want to hear to him.

"You know as a man, it's the conversation you have to have," to which Brooks responded, "It's gonna be tough, I don't know if I have the right words," not realizing that he already did..."I'm gay."

In anticipation of their date Des gushed, "I am clearly in love with Brooks, and I miss him every day that I'm not with him....If Brooks got on one knee and proposed to me, I would definitely say yes."

As Brooks awkwardly tried to explain that there was something wrong with their relationship in his eyes, Des finally put him on the spot by asking, "How do you really feel?"

And when Brooks tried to let her down gently by saying, "I really want to be madly in love with you," He won asshole of the year award by asking her, "Why are you crying?" when she started to sob.

Clearly upset that Brooks had lead her on, Des asked Brooks, "Why now?"

Brooks responded by saying, "You want the answer? Because I didn't know," which was a lie considering he knew he was gay since middle school gym class.

Des went on to confess, "I don't know what to say, I love you."

And when Brooks replied, "You should have told me that earlier," Des told him "I can't," referring to the rule that neither the Bachelorette nor The Bachelor can tell any of the contestants that they are falling in love.

Trying to make small talk as he was leaving, Brooks asked, "So now what are you going to do? I didn't know how conflicted (you were)."

That caused Des to lose it. "You didn't know why I was conflicted? Because I didn't want to share my heart, I wanted to give it to you!"

And in his one action all season that resembled something that a heterosexual might say, Brooks replied, "Sorry, I'll shut up, it's not helping."

With her heart broken, Des left the status of the first half of the final two hour episode (not counting the After the Final Rose final, final episode) in jeopardy, referring to Chris and Drew.

"It breaks my heart...I just can't love them enough, and that's not what they deserve. Honestly, for me, it's over."

Des crying in the ocean after Brooks dumped her is a portrait that is going up above my mantle...She kind of looks like a pelican. 

Monday, July 29, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "My daughter or my sister? I would no like her to date James right now. If he becomes a good James? I’m happy with it"

This week marked the return of "The Guys Tell All" episode. You know, because there's nothing better than a bunch of juiced up guys sitting around and gossiping with each other.

First up was Jonathan, also known as "The Fantasy Suite Guy" due to his inebriation on the first night and insistence that Des joined him in some sort of closet that he kept calling a Fantasy Suite...Or as I called it, "Prom."

Jonathan began by noting, "I was shocked I didn’t get booed. Thanks a lot guys!"

That caused Michael G. to shit in Jonathan's Easter Basket by saying, “That’s because no one remembered you.”

Chris Harrison then informed the crowd that Brian, who's ex-Playmate girlfriend let him go on the show just show she could come on and get some free publicity, made the somewhat unprecedented decision not to appear on the show.

“We invited Brian to be here tonight…He chose not to attend…Instead, we’re going to talk about him.”

Asked to explain his exit remarks where he seemed to ask the limo driver to take him to a cocaine dealer and take him to a strip club, Ben was unable to make himself look any better than he did on the show. 

In fact, even Mikey T. made him look bad when he said, “You should be the same person around your peers as your are around your girlfriend.”

For the record, Mikey T. is not a hypocrite, because he is on record as being a douche around pretty much everyone.

Some random guy named Dan from the audience told Ben that his baby’s momma came to him in Las Vegas and said he wasn’t a very good dad, that he only applied for custody after the show ended, and that he cheated on his current girlfriend with her.

And while that probably ended Ben's relationship with whoever his girlfriend was at that time, it probably made his ex un-datable too, considering that she had low enough self esteem to even consider going back to him for all the bad things she said about him as a dad.

Next up was Kasey, who confronted James about his "secret" plans to live the bachelor life with Mikey T. after the show, but only in a very benign gay way.

“Mikey knew that his time might be coming soon…but you sat there and said you’re falling in love with this girl," but at the same time wanted to meet girls with Mikey.

Mikey tried to stand up for himself and James by refusing to answer the question. “Why can’t you look at me, number one?” For those of you scoring at home, there was no number two...Mikey T. couldn't count that high.

Ending the debate once and for all was Juan Pablo, who had the respect of all women and gay men across the nation as a former pro soccer player with his Latin accent.

"My daughter or my sister? I would I no like her to date James right now. If he becomes a good James? I’m happy with it. But right now? No my daughter, no my sister"

When Chris asked James if he’d like to be the next Bachelor, he tried to keep his thing in his pants when he downplayed it by saying, “I’d have to consult with my family,” not realizing it was a rhetorical question.

And when the audience booed, Chris said, "I’m going to take that as no...Except the one guy who yelled yes." Unfortunately, that one guy was Mikey T.

Pimping who's sure to be the next Bachelor, ABC showed a clip of Juan Pablo in a Speedo before having him comment on his requirements for a girlfriend.

Juan Pablo Galvasis in a Speedo, "She has to first, love my daughter. Second of all, she has to be a good dancer," as women across America messed their panties. 

When he finally met Des, Juan Pablo asked, "The only question I have is, why I never got a one on one date."

Cementing his status as the next Bachelor, Des called him “my calliente” and said that “all women would think so.”

Upon Zak Waddell's turn to appear, Chris appropriately said, “Thanks for being here. Thanks for wearing a shirt!”
When Des returned the journal that Zak had given her that was written in invisible ink, for reasons clearly unrelated to trying to become the next Bachelor, Zak let Chris read it to America.

Asked by Chris, “Do you know what you're going to say to her?" Zak W. said, “Yeah, I think I have something prepared.“
 Luckily, Zak W. had an original song prepared for just such an occasion titled, "I'm Moving On."

And when Des asked him, "Are you going to make me cry?” Zak W. and his glowing white teeth broke America's heart by saying, “And maybe me too.”
...But he still won't be the next Bachelor

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "What game are you playing? Because we’re playing Big Brother"

Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 15 Blog posts

This week began with GinaMarie, oblivious to the fact that Nick had no romantic feelings towards her whatsoever, locking herself in the bathroom and crying about his eviction.

“My heart is in pieces. I really liked him, and had like a good connection…I really like him, and we were getting closer everyday...I wanted to kiss him."

I don't know what's creepier, GinaMarie Zimmerman crying over Nick Uhas while on the pot, or the fact that Big Brother has a camera in there.

Moving on from Denial to "Anger" in the Kubler-Ross Model for Levels of Reality Show Grief, GinaMarie lashed out at the rest of the house for having the audacity to send Nick home.

“All of youz are so stupid!…You know I’m from New York, and you see the attitude, so bring it! Now it’s time to play!" She was then promptly eliminated from the HOH Competition.

As GinaMarie scolded the house, "Nick is so smart, and such a good frickin’ kid” Judd, who is trying to establish a Mendoza Line for borderline intellectual functioning, jumped in and said, “That’s why he’s gone!”

McCrae explained why he broke away from his alliance and voted against the Moving Company.

"The Moving Company was pressuring me to make a choice tween Amanda and Nick, so I made my choice,” before smiling, knowing that he was about to get laid. 

Jeremy handled Nick's eviction in typical manner.

“This is a miserable moment in the Big Brother house for your main man, "The Cherokee Wonder." But it‘s not over yet. I‘m just going to hang this chin high...It‘s too pretty to hang low.”

Aaryn attacked Jessie for voting along with Elissa instead of the Mean Girls Alliance with Kaitlin and Ginamarie and shouted, "Do you think she has loyalty to you?"

That caused Jessie to reply, “At least she has respect," referring to the numerous times they had bullied and belittled her in the house.

Sure enough, when Judd walked in to room Kaitlin yelled, “Judd get the fuck out of here right now!”

However, Judd kept minding his own business by saying, "It’s my house too!"

Aaryn then proved Jessie right about not respecting her by saying, "That’s okay, Judd can be like your fifth chance at a showmance."

Kaitlin finally seemed to realize that she was no longer one of the cool kids. "I feel like I’m back in high school, but I’m on the other side.

Meanwhile, Aaryn took it upon herself to maliciously trash Candice and Howard's beds, even though they weren't even privy to her argument with Jessie.

On the other hand, they are black, and Aaryn sure as fuck wasn't going to tolerate that under her watch.

Kaitlin then forced her way into Jessie’s bed, but not in a hot way, as she simply wanted to invade Jessie's personal space and make her feel uncomfortable.

Strangely, when Jessie objected as politely as she could, Kaitlin snapped, “Oh my God, you want to talk about immature now? That‘s awesome."

Jeremy also forced his way into Jessie's bed along with Kaitlin, but once again, not in a hot way.

When Candice entered the room and had the audacity to object to having her bed flipped over simply because she was black, Aaryn did her best Michelle Obama impersonation.

“Whatcha gonna do girl? Watcha gonna do?” Aaryn then started swayin' her head back and forth like she was Oprah and shit.

Not to be outdone as the biggest racist in the house, GinaMarie jumped up and got in Candice's face and yelled, “You want the black to come out?"

Of course, the closest GinaMarie Zimmerman comes to having any black in her are the roots from her bad dye-job.

Howard then punched Aaryn and GinaMarie in their faces, and they both died.

Actually, Howard refrained from engaging with Aaryn or GinaMarie, and actually picked up Candice and carried her away from the Klu Klux Klan Junior League.

Howard then prayed and said, “All I need is an excuse, and I will go home happy, No money or nothing.”

Candice, clearly not wanting to walk away told Howard, "We have had racist remarks said to us. I have been called 'Shaniqua.' They flipped my bed over, started talking ghetto talk to me.”

When GinaMarie turned her anger back towards Jessie, Amanda stormed in and set shit straight.

"The truth of the matter is ladies, you all talk shit about each other...Katilin, you said shit about Aaryn, Aaryn, you said shit about Kaitlin.”

Amanda then lit into Aaryn for being a racist little bitch.

“I tried to clue you in. You're fucking racist on this show, okay, and when you get out of this house, you’re going to have a lot of people hating you. That’s why I came to you in a subtle way and tried to help you.”

In complete denial, Aaryn tried to defend herself by saying, “I didn’t say anything racist.” Sadly, she actually seemed like she believed it when she said it.

And when Aaryn called Amanda a "liar," Amanda just stopped and deadpanned, "What game are you playing? Because we’re playing Big Brother," before smiling and walking away.

Being the bigger person, Candice actually ended up consoling GinaMarie when she came across her crying over Nick.

That caused Aaryn to apologize to Candice as well. Well, kind of.

“Just because I’m southern and I say things that probably aren’t appropriate all the time, I have nothing against any other race."

Of course, Aaryn had to issue a disclaimer saying that she really didn't do anything wrong, and that Candice just misunderstood her N-bombs, which were really just bombs without the "N."

"I am sincere in my apology to Candice to the point that she needs to know that she took my comment wrong.”

In fact, Aaryn was so naive that she actually had the nerve to tell Jessie that she was the one being portrayed poorly on TV, erroneously thinking that America approved of racism more than boobs...Although, their popularity polls probably came out closer than one might think.

As HOH, Helen nominated Aaryn and Kaitlin stating, "Aaryn is my target for now, but she’s also the most hated person in the house. I wonder if I should keep her around."

For some reason, Elissa won America's MVP again, and she put Spencer up as the third nominee.

Elissa Slater/Rat Boy: Then again, America does seem to have an obsession with people who undergo ridiculous amounts of plastic surgery and Botox to try and look like someone who they really aren't.

The Veto Competition trying to memorize the sequence of some creepy Big Brother inspired art, only they had to jump on a trampoline in order to peek over a wall to see the arrangement.

Not so surprisingly, David Girshon was the only dog playing poker with his tongue hanging out.

The highly overweight Spencer was less than happy at having to jump on a trampoline, "This is a lot of activity for me. I was hoping for a thinkin’ challenge."

Unfortunately for him, Spencer is from Arkansas, so he wouldn't have fared much better even if that was the case.

Kaitlin wins POV, causing Jeremy to say, “I just want to make love to you right now…So I’m going to turn on the Cherokee charm and get her to do what I need her to do,” thinking that she might decline to use to Veto in order to protect him.

However, Amanda told Kaitlin that she’d be going home if she didn’t use the POV on herself.

Sure enough, Kaitlin used the POV on herself. That allowed Helen to nominate Jeremy as her replacement, which was her plan all along so she could back door him.

While the writing for his eviction was on the wall, Jeremy refused to give up. "This 'Cherokee Chief' doesn’t go out without a fight." Unfortunately for Jeremy, all he had left was a Trail of Tears.

Even after making blatant racist and homophobic comments, Aaryn tried to downplay the seriousness of her slurs.

“It's getting to the point in this game where everyone is getting very easily offended about something you say, even joking, they take as being attacked…And I apologized for things I don’t even want to apologize for."

GinaMarie didn't miss a beat in agreeing with Aaryn. "It don’t bother me," which is usually the case when you are completely oblivious to your own racism.

Trying to make America hate her even more, Aaryn implied that she was the one being discriminated against because she was pretty.

“This place is ridiculous…This is such a perfect example of how life is. People hate people who are good at things. People hate people who are cute…Jeremy is being discriminated against because he‘s a winner, and I think that is unfair.”

Trying to make himself less threatening being that he was on the block, Jeremy dressed up GinaMarie's baby costume from last week's POV competition.

"I’m no threat, I’m just a harmless little baby boy." He then was in the middle of saying, "I think the baby outfit really got into people’s hearts,” before someone yelled, “Please put on some pants!”

Unfortunately, his plan didn't work, as Amanda freaked out when Jeremy approached McCrae and herself in the backyard hammock.

"When Jeremy approaches McCrae and I dressed as a baby, I know that he is either looking to breastfeed or campaign."

Amanda then covered her breasts and said, "Thank God he was just looking for some votes."

Also campaigning for votes, Aaryn decided to be fake nice to the house, which really just involved whipping her hair around likes she was a 90's hairband video.

However, that turned out be more than Aaryn could pull off. “You know it’s hard for me to like act the way I’ve been acting and be nice to everyone, and I feel like I deserve to be acknowledged for that.”

When Amanda and Aaryn tried to hide items from the shrine GinaMarie made to Nick, GinaMarie lost her shit. “This is not funny, who took Nick’s cup? I just need it!”

And while Amanda went to retrieve that item for GinaMarie, realizing that she had taken the joke too far when GinaMarie started crying, Aaryn complained, “GinaMarie crying like a little baby, it ruined the whole joke.”

In a last ditch attempt to stay in the house, Jeremy made a proposal to work for Helen and Elissa for the rest of the game.

Hilariously, Helen told that him, “I need the attitude to change…The pompous, the walking back and forth and intimidating,” which had to kill Jeremy to agree to.

Even worse for Jeremy, he was still voted out even though he proclaimed, "I’m a winner, I’m a champion when I eat sleep and poop.”

Even after his eviction interview, Jeremy remained in denial about his skills.

"I’m a winner, and it’s in my blood to win, and I don’t lose. It is what it is.” That made it that much better when Connie Chung taunted, “So how does this feel, cause you just lost.”

Connie then went on to ask Jeremy about being perceived as a bully in the house.

“What it is, is my image…You know, all the tattoos…I’m not a bully, it just comes off like that because of how big I am…If someone smaller said it, it wouldn’t come off as hard, but since I’m so intimidating looking...and I got an amazing profile and whatnot.”

After sending Jeremy back to Texas, Connie announced a new twist...That America is the new America's MVP, who gets to nominate 3rd person for eviction this week.

Meanwhile, the new HOH Competition, called “Big Brother Royalty,” was based on the contestants trying to guess America’s vote on certain titles for the players.

For example, the contestants had to choose between A) McCrae, and B) Judd for the title of "The Duke of Laziness, for the player most likely to live in his mother's basement.

And when it was revealed that America voted for McCrae, Amanda was secretly traumatized when she realized that the person she had been cheating on her boyfriend back home with was not a "secret Wall Street millionaire, but was in fact just a lowly pizza delivery boy from "Minn-a-soda." (She voted for Judd).

In the end Judd won HOH, ensuring a room full of Moon Pies, hunter orange UT gear, and country music cassette tapes, the likes of which have never been seen.

Kaitlin: It sucks so much that he's gone. Aaryn, "I know, but anyways."

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the second week:

13. Aaryn Gries - While Aaryn has created a firestorm for her racist, homophobic and otherwise insensitive remarks (to the point where Big Brother is now running a disclaimer disclaiming Aaryn's racist slurs before every show), she shouldn't worry, because her Mommy has already hired a publicist to help Aaryn rehab her image when she gets back home.

12. GinaMarie Zimmerman - Talking herself up as most ugly people from the East Coast do, GinaMarie said, "I guess I just hang out with good looking people…I’m from Jersey…I modelled in pagaents…It’s like the Jersey Shore, you know how many tanned buff tattooed guys out there?"

Here's a much slimmer GinaMarie Zimmerman dressed up like a green Jolly Rancher, which makes a bottle of Smirnoff Ice taste just like a STD when you mix them together.

11. Spencer Clawson - In response to Jeremy saying on Big Brother After Dark while playing a game, “Amanda, we’re out of time. The Jew girl got Jewed," Spencer called Jeremy out, calling him “Adolph McGuire”

10. Howard Overby - Not only was Howard a former college football player at Southern Mississippi University, he's also a bodybuilder and aspiring model/actor. According to his "Model Mayhem" account. You can send inquiries to HowardOverby@yahoo.com.

Howard Overyby sure doesn't leave much for his penis to be imagined.

9. Kaitlin Barnaby - Realizing that she's not long for Big Brother, Kaitlin already started planning her next reality show appearance. "OMG, how awesome would it be if me and Jeremy were on the Amazing Race...That would be so much fun."

She then appeared to lobby some more by asking if CBS would let them do that. Does America get a vote? Please don't let this happen.

Not only did Kaitlin Barnaby get hit with a makeup gun, but somebody mother-plucked her eyebrows.

8. Jessie Kowalski - Jessie should probably be really happy that Aaryn, GinaMarie and Kaitlin are on the show, because they actually make her come across as sympathetic or likable on TV, which I'm not so sure is the case in reality.

Jessie Kowalski slowly undressed to show us all the terrible flower tattoo on her left side. I'm just hoping that she got it to cover up a hiddious birthmark or something.
7. Rachel Reilly's Sister - For some reason, Elissa was pissed that Kaitlin got on the show after being discovered in a bar instead of applying. Of course, Elissa is only the show riding the coattails as America's favorite stripper and two time Big Brother contestant, her sister, Rachel Reilly.

Of course, it was revealed on Big Brother After Dark that Elissa married into money, and that her husband drives a Lotus, so Elissa is hardly deserving of being on the show herself.

6. Judd Daughtery - After winning HOH and the cast getting to see his room with pictures from when he was a kid, Helen asked him to tell three of his favorite childhood memories.

Not ruling out the possibility of a traumatic head injury like we all suspected, Judd said, "Like before twelve, I don't remember much."

On top of that, Judd could barely read letter from his Mom and Dad that came with his HOH Room...Despite all of that, I still I kind of like the guy.

5.  Candice Stewart - I don't understand how America keeps voting for Elissa as MVP when Candice had been enduring racist slurs with the utmost of class. Then again, CBS charges America to vote, and they wouldn't want to rig the first few competitions so people have an incentive to vote against someone they hate or anything, would they?

4. McCrae Olson - Upon being asked to comment on the budding romance between McCrae and Amanda, McCrae‘s mom said, “I was more surprised than anyone. Amanda crawled right into bed with him. What’s a boy to do?”

3. Andy Herren - Andy is moving up in my rankings, as he seems to be successfully playing several sides of the house right now without making any enemies. 

And while Andy Herren is a terrific floater, I just don't know how much longer I can handle his tank-tops and extra short Chino shorts.

2. Amanda Zuckerman - Amanda, a high end real estate agent in Florida, laid out the parameters of a future relationship with pizza boy McCrae. “I get up every morning…I walk my dog…And I go to work. Then at night, I’ll make you dinner…And you need to get a job.”

1. Helen Kim - Is it just me, or does Helen Kim always seem like she's drunk? If so, good for her.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "Face down, with my butt in the air, with Chris' dad who I just met, massaging my back"

This week Des returned back to the United States for the Hometown Dates, starting in Dallas with Zak W.

"I would have never thought in a million years that Zak, the guy who came out of the limo shirtless would end up taking me to meet his family...He is someone who just expresses his love, and can write songs about it."

Of course, if Des would have just listed to herself say that out loud, she would have never wasted so much time with a douche like Zak.

Zak showed Des his family's snow cone truck business, which they use as a front to either deal drugs or molest kids.

And with Zak showing up in a penguin costume with an unbuttoned shirt, I'm going with "both."

When Zak told his family that he came out of the limo shirtless the first time he me Des, his relatively cute sister Carly exclaimed, "What a weirdo! And you're here sitting on our couch?"

Even Zak W's sister was not buying into his "Will you accept these abs" nonsense.

Zak also revealed that he's been completely naked on the show at least three times," to which his Mom responded, "Do I look surprised?

His sister then asked, "Have you seen him completely naked?" Fortunately Des said "no" before Zak's sister tried to compare notes.

Zak's family then broke out into some creepy gospel song about Des that made her cry...But only because she already knew she was going to send him home.

Next up was Drew in Scottsdale, Arizona, where douchey guys go to mate each spring.

Scottsdale so douchey, even the cacti flip people off and wear "Inspiron" t-shirts.

Drew first gave Des a disclaimer regarding his severely mentally handicapped sister. "My sister's been getting very, very excited. To the point where you may confuse her reaction for like  aggression or upset."

He then went to to explain, "She doesn't communicate whatsoever, she can't feed or bath, or do anything for herself."

And when Drew replied "No" when Des asked, "Do you know at what...like she's getting at," it pretty much confirmed that she's not really handicapped, she's just a zombie with super strength.

Drew concluded his Home Town Date visit by proclaiming, "The next time I see my family, I will be an engaged man," to which Lee Corso magically appeared and said, "Not so fast my friend!"

Third to the plate was Chris, the former pro baseball player who took Des back home to McMinnville, Oregon.

They began with a baseball inspired date where Chris put eye black on Des to make her look like a ballplayer that said, "Heart Chris"

And when Des asked, "It says I heart Chris?" Chris replied, "Just heart, your eyes are up here (above the eye black)." 

While Chris was impressed that Des could hit, he was also concerned since she was clearly "no stranger to a bat."

Upon meeting Chris' family, his Dad, a chiropractor, offered to give Des "An adjustment."

And while Des obviously felt awkward since Chris' dad wasn't a juice head, she felt obliged to go along with him.

"Face down, with my butt in the air, with Chris' dad who I just met, massaging my back. It's not weird at all...Not weird at all."

I've heard of a "Daddy Tax" when it comes to taking a bite of food that you buy for your kids, but this is ridiculous." Nonetheless, Chris' dad still has a better chance of becoming the next Bachelor than James Case does.

Last up was Brooks in Salt Lake City, where Des got to meet his Brooks' Dad and seven Moms.

Unfortunately, Great Salt Lake was closed for the weekend, so Des had to settle for a trip to a smaller and crappier lake in some sort of city park, where women aren't allowed to wear shorts.

Brooks told his his parents that he still doesn't know how he feels about Des, which was his way of telling them he's gay.

Fortunately, went Brooks went Eddie Murphy and also played the role of his mother, who ultimately accepted his lifestyle.

After all of the Home Town Dates, Des announced, "There's just one more person that I need to talk to before tonight's Rose Ceremony, and it's not going to be easy, but it's something that I need to do."

And after consulting with Mikey T...Desiree's brother Nate made his second appearance on one of the Bachelor franchises in one year, tying him with the number of times he's met with his parole officer in the same time span.

Nate was convinced that his attempt to show Sean Lowe that their family was trailer trash on The Bachelor last season was for the best, saying, "It was just meant to work out that way."

Nate asked, "You know why I did what I did the last time? Of course, that rhetorical question begged the answer...

"Because you know that this is your last chance in life of bringing any attention to yourself aside from the "Crime Log" in the local newspaper.

And while Des confessed that Brooks was yet to tell her that he loved her, he received a Rose along with Chris and Drew.

That left Zak W. hanging, especially when Des returned the promise ring that he had given her back home.

Zak lamented that he was, "Going back home to kind of a dark place...Something told me that doing this, I would have a good chance of getting out of that slump that I've been in for so long,"

You know, because having a 1 of 30 shot at landing a chick just screams 'regaining self confidence.'

And in a dramatic move, Zak had his limousine pull over so he could throw the promise ring that Des returned to him out out the window in a desperate move to audition for becoming the next Bachelor.

And just like that, we are down to the final episode that will come down to Chris and Brooks competing for Desiree's affection, with Drew officiating.

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "You don't get to see my boobs...Alright, I'll show you later"

Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 15 Blog posts

This week began with Aaryn enraged that the house blind-sided her mentally challenged boyfriend David and sent him home.

"They made it personal when they went after David, and now I don't trust anyone...I did not see that coming at all. Like, how could this house not vote Elissa out?"

Meanwhile, the HOH Competition continued with the house guests competing in pairs to fill up a large container with barbecue sauce using only small ladles while walking up and down an icy slope.

That caused Howard to exclaim, "This is the slipperiest, nastiest, raunchiest BBQ I've ever been to, and I'm from the South!

Amanda took a different strategy than everyone else, electing to crawl instead of slide. "The plus side of being on all fours is A), I can't fall, and B), I can't pop an implant. Who's the winner now?"

Amanda Zuckerman's fake boobs have been instrumental in her attempt to con McCrae Olson away from his alliance with The Moving Company. Unfortunately for McCrae, Amanda has a boyfriend back home in Florida.

That caused McCrae to nearly hyperventilate. "I'm watching Amanda, and she's on all fours, she's all greased up, Oh, she's breathing heavy. I'm having a little bit of a moment right now."

Meanwhile, Elissa said, "We are so close, and we feel victory in our fingertips"....Unfortunately for Elissa, she confused victory with Judd's penis, as Jeremy and Aaryn ended up winning. 

That caused Jeremy to boast, "These people just think I'm being cocky, but what'd I say? I said I'm gonna win. What'd I do? I went out there and won. Not to toot my own horn, but TOOT! TOOT!"

Aaryn dedicated her win to avenging David's ouster from the house. "We did this for David, and we're coming after you guys."

Aaryn also noted how upset David was going to be when he saw this episode because he was going to see how sad she was.

Unfortunately for Aaryn, by the time the episode aired David had already forgotten who she even was, but he did get really excited when his master came home.

Forced to choose which of the two would become the next HOH, Jeremy inexplicably gave it to Aaryn.

"1) She just had her man candy leave 2) She's not going to vote me out 3) Guess who gets to compete next week for HOH? 'This guy.'"

Drunk with power, or perhaps just drunk, Aaryn demanded to know who voted David out.

That caused Nick to say to the Diary Room, "WHO VOTED OUT DAVID? I'll tell you who voted out David, IT WAS ME...But I'm not going to say anything."

Andy was much more forthright by privately telling Aaryn that he voted to send David home and explaining why. "So I decided to be truthful with Aaryn, and what I mean by truthful is lie, lie, lie...Basically I'm keeping my friends close, and my Aaryn's closer."

When Aaryn asked, "Who wants to see my HOH room," Ellen responded by saying, "Oh God, kill me. I'd rather eat slop for the rest of the summer."

Andy put a more positive spin on that opportunity. "How often is it that you get to see baby pictures of the Devil?"

While Jeremy lobbied Aaryn to put Helen and Elissa up to help the "Moving Company" alliance, Aaryn targeted Nick. "People are lying...and if it's you Nick, I'm going to cut off your dick in your sleep."

She then started giggling maniacally at the thought of "Bobbiting" Nick. 

Aaryn got even uglier when it came to some of the other house guests she was upset at for voting against David.

For example, she targeted Candice and Helen with racist comments, and Andy with a gay slur that would have made Big Brother's favorite homophobe Jeff Shroeder proud.

Some of the "wittier" comments she came up with included, "Dude, shut up, go make some rice" while talking about Helen, and, "No one's going to vote for whoever that queer puts up" in reference to Andy.

Amanda seemed to realize the severity of Aaryn's comments.

"On top of Aaryn being a raging bitch, she's very naive and sheltered....And she makes comments where she makes fun of other people, for what they look like and their ethnicity, and I think it's going to hurt her...in the game and outside the game."

Sure enough, and unbeknowst to Aaryn, it was announced that she had been dropped by her modeling agency for the comments she made:
"Aaryn, season 15 cast member of Big Brother, revealed prejudices and other beliefs that we (Zephyr Talent) do not condone.We certainly find the statements made by Aaryn on the live Internet feed to be offensive. Upon much consideration, we have decided to release Aaryn from her contract with Zephyr Talent."

Amanda even pulled Aaryn aside to tell her that she'd been accused of being racist, and politely warned her to be mindful of what she was saying.

And instead of realizing the severity of the situation she had put herself in, Aaryn just rolled her eyes at Amanda.

"That's the most obnoxious, annoying thing I've ever heard...I'm not even going to acknowledge it because it's the biggest joke," before she made a fart noise to drive home her point.

Aaryn then tried to justify her racist remarks by blaming the people she offended.

"That is the most immature thing ever. They call me 'Barbie' and all sorts of things about me being blond all the time, so what's the difference? I wish that I cared more about this, but I don't."

Aaryn Gries doesn't appear to realize that while she chose to be a bleach blond slut who shows her ass in public to try and get what she wants, real people don't get to chose their ethnicity or sexual orientation.

Amazingly, Candice and Helen somehow figured out that Spencer, Nick, Howard, McCrae and Jeremy were in an alliance together and playing the rest of the house.

Not one to waste her time on strategy, Jessie decided that she wanted a lover in the house, so she began to stalk Nick by literally following him around the house.

"I'm a single guy, there's a lot of single girls in the house, but, what's up with Jessie? Talk about a stage five clinger...I can't get rid of this girl. Jessie, can't you take a hint?

And when you're a good looking girl with a great ass like Jessie Kowalski, something has to be seriously wrong with your personality when you're chasing after guys and they won't even give you the time of day.

Jeremy, thinking that he's running the game asked, "Should I put up Amanda and Elissa? Apparently forgetting that he wasn't the HOH.

Jeremy then went on to tell Aaryn that Amanda was the mastermind behind David's eviction, when it was really his Moving Company alliance. "I could blame her mother, and she would probably put her up."

But when it came down to it, Aaryn ended up nominating Helen and Elissa, telling Ellen, "You have an amazing shot at getting the Veto, and I hope you do my nails."

However, Elissa once again won America's MVP, giving her the power to secretly nominate a third person for eviction.

Elissa decided to nominate Jeremy, to which Aaryn said, "Shocker."

Trying to intimidate the rest of the house heading into the POV Competition Jeremy yelled, "I'm a caged animal, I'm a "manimal"...Guard your meat, because I'm coming to eat," which even made Andy afraid.

Of course, Jeremy's intimidation tactics failed when it turned out the POV competition required him to dress up like a baby. "It' really hard to stay in beast mode when you in a huge lavender onesie."

Revealing to Nick that she was America's MVP, Elissa asked him to throw the POV Competition or she would nominate him as replacement. In return, she promised to keep him safe for two weeks.

However, Nick would not agree, feeling relatively safe even if he went up due to the support of his secret alliance.

Big Brother Hall-Of-Famer Brittney Haynes returned to announce the POV Competition...And that she was pregnant.

Unfortunately for Lane Ellenburg, Brittney Haynes' baby isn't his.

The POV Competition involved hanging 10 stuffed animals on a mobile like hanger, with the first person getting them all to balance without touching the ground and ringing their buzzer winning.

Being a finesse competition, Jeremy struggled out of the gate.

"I'm trying to keep these stuffed animals on this mobile, but they keep falling off left and right. These muscles keep getting in the way, and it's extremely frustrating."

Having already attempted to ring her buzzer once only to have one of her animals slightly touching the ground, Amanda went for a second attempt yelling, "Yeah bitches, what now? WOO!"

Unfortunately, she once again failed to balance her animals long enough to get to her buzzer.

That caused a humbled Amanda to exclaim in despair, "Much like a baby, I feel like crying and I need a bottle...of vodka."

Amanda's DeShawn Jackson-esque premature celebration allowed Jeremy to come from behind and win the POV, and he ripped off his onesie in celebration.

"Guess who brought home the gold, guess who brought it home to mommy. mwa, mwa, mwa! (kissing the veto). It's a little gold baby pacifier, but it's a veto champion, nom, nom, nom."

Jeremy McGuire will never be mistaken for Brandi Chastain....GOOOAAAALLLL!

Trying to protect Kaitlin, Jeremy tried to bully his own alliance by saying that he would back out if they didn't vote Elissa out. That didn't go over so well with The Moving Company:

Nick: "Now we're talking more like a monarchy, and not like a business."

Howard: "Dude, pump your breaks on giving orders. God is the only guy I answer to. The rest of us, we're in this thing together."

McCrae: "Who died and made you boss? This worries me. It's about the group. It's about the core...Down the line we're going to have to be really careful with Jeremy."

Spencer: Well...Actually, Spencer just agreed with Jeremy.

Ironically, it was Jeremy who went against that alliance last week when he secretly voted to keep David.

With Nick not agreeing to throw the veto, Elissa put him up as her Replacement Nominee when Jeremy took himself off the block.

With the cameras running before the live vote to evict, Julie Chen asked the house guests if they ever forget that they're always on camera in a thinly veiled attempt to ask Aaryn about her racist and homophobic remarks.

However, Aaryn remained oblivious, saying that she doesn't forget about the cameras. "I'm just a very open person, so everyone who's here knows a lot about me, and so does America now."

That caused Julie to say, "Yes, we all do," somewhat letting Aaryn off the hook, and showing America that her time on The Talk has really taught Julie Chen how to ask the tough question.

In the end, Spencer and McCrae went against The Moving Company and voted to evict Nick out of the game.

When the results were announced, GinaMarie began wailing uncontrollably...Not because Nick got evicted, because there were still black people left in the house that she had to live with.

In reference to GinaMarie's crush Nick said, "This house is making me feel like a super pimp. First it was Jessie. She followed me around the entire house, I could not shake her off. Now, it's GinaMarie."

He also made his thoughts about her clear. "Although there may be love in the air, I don't necessary feel the same way."

GinaMarie even went as far as to say, "I was actually serious about you taking a shower with me, but that's fine. You don't get to see my boobs," before quickly backtracking on her threat, "Alright, I'll show you later."

Even the naive Aaryn seemed to realize that GinaMarie was pursuing a hopeless cause. "GinaMarie, you could put your vagina out and he (Nick) wouldn't come over here."

Upon being interviewed following his eviction, Nick correctly guessed that Spencer turned on him. That caused Connie Chung to say, "You're super right."

And when talking about the house dynamics Nick said, "Give it another couple of weeks, and I probably would've just been hanging out with Gina...Marie.

Connie Chung didn't miss a beat and added, "Who is like curled up in a ball right now somewhere in the corner of the house."

Connie Chung remained on fire telling Nick, "I think you should've kissed Jessie, she maybe would've given you a vote."

The new HOH Competition involved waking up the contestants all night long, who had to memorize the number and contents of boxes being delivered by "Big Brother Express" on a conveyor belt.

That culminated with a True or False competition that Helen ended up winning in two tie-breakers.

With Helen taking over as the new HOH Jeremy and Kaitlin consoled each other by hugging, while Aaryn stormed off in an angry racist huff.

Meanwhile, GinaMarie was in need of a Prozac as she continued to bemoan the loss of Nick. "I loved him so much!"

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the second week:

14. Aaryn Gries - Aaryn Gries may not be going home right away simply because she poses no threat to the house from a physical or intellectual standpoint, but she has absolutely no chance of winning Big Brother 15.

I really hope that Julie Chen, who Aaryn amazingly forgot hosts the show when she was making anti-Asian racist remarks, steps up her game and takes it to her on live TV once Aaryn gets evicted the way she talked about it on her day job show, The Talk:
"My heart is pounding. Am I the only one who feels so enraged? This is the third time I've watched that clip, and it does not get any easier. I think it shows us all that in 2013, race is still a deeply, deeply personal issue and it is so extremely hurtful. And unless you have ever been on the receiving issue end of it, you simply do not know what it's like to walk a mile in someone's shoes."
At least Aaryn can add a new title to her resume in addition to being a former Maxim model and Miss Teen Colorado International.

Sadly, Aaryn Gries would probably consider being named "Miss Racist Teen Texas" an honor coming from a privileged world of pageantry and blow jobs.

13. Jeremy McGuire - With Nick declaring, "I dated a Playboy Playmate," Jeremy tried to one up him by claiming, "I dated two Hooters girls," apparently not realizing that quantity does not necessarily equal quality.

Jeremy did reveal that he currently has ringworm, and once got scabies from "a spa at a gym," where ironically Helen's family once worked as "masseuses."

12. Kaitlin Barnaby - With her Showmance and Mean Girls alliances quickly falling apart, Kaitlin seems to be scrambling to disassociate herself from Kaitlin and Jeremy and kiss the asses of the rest of the house.

And while Kaitlin Barnaby appears to have a perfect ass, unfortunately for her, it is now infested with ringworm and scabies.

11. GinaMarie Zimmerman - Like Aaryn, GinaMarie was caught on camera dropping the N-bomb, and making racist remarks like threatening to punch Helen in the face and "knock her eyes straight," forgetting the host of Big Brother also happens to be Asian.

Again, like Aaryn, GinaMarie has already been fired from her job as a "pageant organizer" for her comments:
"The East Coast USA Pageant is an outlet for girls and women to gain self-confidence, announce their platform and most importantly celebrate who they are. We believe and teach our contestants that beauty comes from within. We celebrate the diversity of our participants as all ethnicities are beautiful. We have never known this side of Ginamarie or have ever witnessed such acts of racism in the past," Lauren Handler, the National Director and CEO of East Coast USA Pageant, says in a statement.
Additionally, repeated attempts to stand up for GinaMarie and justify her actions, a close friend who was running GinaMarie's Twitter account while she was on Big Brother finally threw in the towel:
"I absolutely do not condone or approve of Gina's behavior in any way. As a result, I will no longer be tweeting for her. Best wishes. x Ari."

I'm guessing the only place we're going to be seeing GinaMarie Zimmerman working after Big Brother 15 is as a stripper or posing naked in Penthouse.

10. Spencer Clawson - Spencer probably made the wrong call in ditching the Moving Company, as he's now at the ass end of an alliance with Helen, Andy and company, none of whom seem to trust him.

9. Howard Overby - The religious leader in the house, Howard indicated that he doesn't keep his religion to himself claiming, "It's a gift to be shared," much like GinaMarie's virginity.

8. Jessie Kowalski - Jessie indicated that she wants to be a public figure, but called it a "Presumptuous dream...Because people have to actually like you to be a public figure."

Jessie also told GinaMarie that they both had a great chance at winning America's MVP, to which GinaMarie totally agreed, knowing first hand that America loves girls who show off their boobs.

The house has been abuzz on Big Brother After Dark about Jessie Kowalski for flashing her nipples, apparently not realizing that her bikini was see through. Or as Andy said on Big Brother After Dark, "Are we sure it was Jess screaming, or was it her nipples?"

7. Rachel Reilly's Sister - You've got to love our country, who keeps handing Rachel Reilly's less talented sister America's MVP, when Candice, Helen and Andy have acted with nothing but class despite being subjected to racist and homophobic slurs this summer.

6. Judd Daughtery - Even Judd, the slack-jawed Southerner from the backwoods of Tennessee who only appears to speak Confederate seemed to understand what Aaryn was saying was just plain wrong saying, "Doesn't she know she's on TV and shouldn't say that?"

5.  Andy Herren - The ultimate floater, Andy has managed to appease the entire house by agreeing and saying, "Yeah...For sure," whenever someone comes to talk strategy with him.

4. McCrae Olson - McCrae has put himself in a great position in the house. The question now remains whether or not he has the sack to cut ties with Amanda before she screws him over for the money, and I think we all know how that story is going to end.

3. Candice Stewart - Candice is a good person who has put up with a lot of shit in the house, but she's going to need to make some moves on her own to separate herself from Helen when it gets down to the end of the game, and so far she hasn't played the social game with the rest of the house that one would expect from a former NFL cheerleader. 

 2. Amanda Zuckerman - Along with Helen, nobody in the house is strategizing more than Amanda. But more importantly Nick let it drop during his eviction speech that Amanda has hoarded all of the Band-aids in the house, which she uses to cover her nipples. 

1. Helen Kim - Helen has gone from being a secluded wallflower to holding a great deal of power in the house. More importantly, she has built her bonds through kindness, even reaching out to those in the house

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "Who has the biggest dick?"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Des and the guys flying to an island off of the coasts of Portugal and Africa, but resulting in none of the drama that the teasers had seemingly promised.

Unfortunately, Brooks Forester decided to represent America by wearing jean shorts.

In need of a personality infusion, The Bachelorette producers decided to bring in several girls from Sean's season to help Des with her lack of having any edge.

Those girls included Catherine (who won Sean), Jackie and Lesley.

When looking at the guys from afar, I'm pretty sure that a drunken Catherine asked, "Who has the biggest dick?" That caused Des to say, "I don't know," before she promptly said, "Probably Chris."

Jesus Catherine Giudici, do you kiss Sean Lowe with that mouth?

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Brooks, whom she took on a cliff side drive that went up through the clouds, which concluded with them kissing and screaming in unison, "We're on cloud nine!"

Des made it clear that she was falling in love with Brooks, even though he seemed torn about how he felt about her.

"I still have questions, I haven't introduced a lot of women to my family," which is usually the case when you're gay.

The next 1-on-1 Date went to Chris.

...Who promptly smelled the Date Card as if he had just been handed a pair of Desiree's underwear.

Des took Chris on a yacht to a deserted island, where Chris wore his "extra short shorts" just for her.

They then proceeded to write poetry together, which they put in a bottle and threw into the ocean.

Chris then awkwardly told Des that he loved her via another poem that went about seven versus too long, but still made Des cry...I'm just hoping that they still have a connection when the poetry wears off.

In anticipation of a hometown date, Chris asked Des about the guys that she's introduced to her parents.

That caused her to respond, "They've only met my high school boyfriend," apparently forgetting that all of America saw her bring home last season's Bachelor, Sean Lowe.

A third 1-on-1 Date went to Michael G., who she took out on the town to soak up the local culture.

With it being Michael's first real alone time with Des, even though he'd somehow made it to the final five, she was looking to see some vulnerability from him and whether or not there was any attraction.

Michael showed the vulnerability that Des was looking for when he revealed that his ex had cheated on him, although Des failed the ask the necessary question of, "Why?"

They were then serenaded by some fat Italian lady who couldn't carry a tune, although it was still better than any of the professional acts The Bachelorette had plugged all season.

The final date was a 2-on-1 between Zak W. and Drew, although it was not of the loser leaves town variety.

As a model, Drew Kenney is in great shape, but that doesn't help the likelihood that he's only 5'2.

Des took the two to a go-cart track, where she made them race for a "surprise," which only turned out to be getting alone time with her first.

Zak W. wins, causing Drew to say, "I am a lesser car driver than you, I get it," which is typically what the guy who drives a Volvo says to the guy who drives a Mustang.

However, Drew hid an ace up his sleeve...A sister back at home who would really love to meet Des, even though she's severely mentally retarded and can't even communicate.

Sure enough, Des noted how she knew she really wanted to meet Drew's family when she gave him the Rose for their date over Zak.

In the end, Des told Chris Harrison that "She's at the "Finish line" with Brooks, who grilled her about falling in love with him, seeming to know something that Des and the rest of us don't.

Des also admitted to falling in love with Chris, who surprisingly seemed like her second choice. I have a feeling that won't go over too well with him when Des ends up choosing him by default after Brooks comes out of the closet.

In the end, the Final Rose went to Zak W. over Michael G., who took things poorly even though he really didn't have any alone time with Des all season to develop any sort of real bond.

Michael first went to the eliminated contestant playbook by trying to guilt Des.

"I was so excited to let you see the house I grew up in...But I guess in a way it was a blessing...Because my mom would have loved you and it would have broke her heart."

He then went into full scale self pity mode. "I'm tired of having my heart broken and being rejected by women that I'm falling in love with."

And if that wasn't enough to kill any chance of Michael G. becoming the next Bachelor, he called his Mom who asked, "Are you okay?"

And when Michael responded, "No," Mommy seemed prepared when she said, "Here we go again."

Monday, July 8, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "He was found guilty, People vs. James, case dismissed!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Des and the guys heading to Barcelona, Spain.

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Drew, who had apparently just joined the cast as a replacement for Bryden.

Drew elected to tell Des about overhearing James talking with Mikey about scamming girls together when they get back to Chicago, and how he had a great chance to become the next Bachelor if he could at least make it the final four...But smartly, only after Des had already given him a Rose.

That caused Desiree to say, "I'm disappointed in James, because I truly believed he was an honest man," proving that she has absolutely no ability whatsoever to judge the character of any guy.

The Group Date consisted of a soccer match, which seemingly gave the advantage to Don Pablo, a former professional soccer player.

However, the match turned out to be against six highly skilled teenage girls, and James turned out to be the least athletic guy to ever mind a net, which is amazing considering that soccer players are by far and large unathletic.

That caused Juan Pablo to say, "I thought he was going to be a man today, but I guess he's scared of getting hit with the ball."

Meanwhile, Kasey quipped, "Your like 6'2, 260 pounds, and you're afraid a little girl this tall is going to kick the ball at you? C'mon brother, step it up."

Even our 10-year-old girl who was watching with us at home dogged James, calling him "a 'Cinderalla' soccer player - because he keeps running away from the ball." Can you guess who's going to inherit this blog?

After the match, Des pulled Chris aside at the cocktail party to read him a poem that she wrote for him on the plane.

And while the season could have ended right there since it's clear she's going to choose Chris in the end, at least we get to see James get humiliated on national TV for the second time in just a matter of minutes.

First, Kasey confronted James about his comments, while James claimed that it was Mikey who brought up going out and picking up women together once they got back to Chicago.

However, when Michael G. reminded James that he was the one trying to position himself to become the next Bachelor, James panicked and snapped avoiding the questing and taunting, "You haven't even been on a 1-on-1 date, have you Michael?"

Michael G. replied by imitating James and saying, "'Hey we're going to go to clubs bro...We're going to get it in...Girls!...It sounds like you're auditioning for The Jersey Shore, quite frankly."

The next person in line to confront James was Dez, which sadly lead to all kinds of tears.

Unfortunately, all of the crying that was done, was done by James Case.

When asked by Des if he actually said any of those things, James responded by saying, "No Ma'am," before complaining that being questioned was "giving me a head-headache."

And while Des elected not to send James home on the spot, he definitely triggered our kid's bullshit meters as we watched at home, as our ten-year-old and seven-year-old had the following exchange.
10 yr. old: "It's SOOO obvious that he's lying." 
7 yr. old: "I know, right?"
The second 1-on-1 Date went to Zak W., mainly because Des wanted to use his bleached teeth to distract her from all of the drama that she and the rest of the house experienced because of James. 

Unfortunately, Des chose to take Zak W. on an artsy date, which was kind of like taking James on date that required the guy to be an athlete or appreciate sports.

Their first task was drawing portraits of each other, and unfortunately things went horribly awry with Zak W's drawing, or as he tried to explain, "I added color, and there's nothing I can do about it now!"

Zak W's portrait of Desiree Hartsock looks surprisingly like former Bachelor contestant, Tierra Licausi.

Next up was a nude male model, which made Zak W. so jealous that he left the room, and came back wearing nothing but a robe and his own tighty-whities.

Zack Waddell is the type of guy who sees another guy without any clothes on, and immediately feels the need to challenge him to a "Pants Off," for which there are no winners.

Back at the hotel, James approached Des to tell her that he was "feeling much better" after their earlier conversation, to which she replied, "Really?"

James Case: You can always tell that a guy is lying when his nipples start to leak milk...Well, either that, or he forgot to pump.

Not realizing that he was about to be sent home, James started to cop an attitude with the other guys. "I might come off as a cocky son of a bitch, but I have a very great sense of self.

That caused the normally reserved Chris to interject, saying he could no longer stay calm with James saying that becoming the next Bachelor was a "win-win situation."

Once again realizing that he couldn't fully justify his statements, James stormed off by pouting, "You know what? I don't have to answer any questions to any of you guys any more if I don't feel like it."

As any good southerner in a position of power, Prosecutor Michael G. totally abused it and went as far as to scold James for cursing.

In the end, Des ended up casting her vote for the Prosecution, giving the last Rose to Michael G. over James.

Michael G. then made himself look like an idiot when he said, "He was found guilty, People vs. James, case dismissed!"

And while that may have sounded good, from a legal standpoint it was incorrect terminology since you obviously wouldn't have your case dismissed if you were found guilty in a court of law.

In addition to James, Kasey and Juan Pablo were also sent home, leaving Chris, Michael, Brooks. Zak W. and Drew as Desiree's final five. 

Meanwhile, James was left hurt and confused when he realized that his womanizing ways had just been exposed.

"I just became the next Ben and it's just....How did I come off to be such a bad person? Why Me?"