Saturday, July 20, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "Face down, with my butt in the air, with Chris' dad who I just met, massaging my back"

This week Des returned back to the United States for the Hometown Dates, starting in Dallas with Zak W.

"I would have never thought in a million years that Zak, the guy who came out of the limo shirtless would end up taking me to meet his family...He is someone who just expresses his love, and can write songs about it."

Of course, if Des would have just listed to herself say that out loud, she would have never wasted so much time with a douche like Zak.

Zak showed Des his family's snow cone truck business, which they use as a front to either deal drugs or molest kids.

And with Zak showing up in a penguin costume with an unbuttoned shirt, I'm going with "both."

When Zak told his family that he came out of the limo shirtless the first time he me Des, his relatively cute sister Carly exclaimed, "What a weirdo! And you're here sitting on our couch?"

Even Zak W's sister was not buying into his "Will you accept these abs" nonsense.

Zak also revealed that he's been completely naked on the show at least three times," to which his Mom responded, "Do I look surprised?

His sister then asked, "Have you seen him completely naked?" Fortunately Des said "no" before Zak's sister tried to compare notes.

Zak's family then broke out into some creepy gospel song about Des that made her cry...But only because she already knew she was going to send him home.

Next up was Drew in Scottsdale, Arizona, where douchey guys go to mate each spring.

Scottsdale so douchey, even the cacti flip people off and wear "Inspiron" t-shirts.

Drew first gave Des a disclaimer regarding his severely mentally handicapped sister. "My sister's been getting very, very excited. To the point where you may confuse her reaction for like  aggression or upset."

He then went to to explain, "She doesn't communicate whatsoever, she can't feed or bath, or do anything for herself."

And when Drew replied "No" when Des asked, "Do you know at she's getting at," it pretty much confirmed that she's not really handicapped, she's just a zombie with super strength.

Drew concluded his Home Town Date visit by proclaiming, "The next time I see my family, I will be an engaged man," to which Lee Corso magically appeared and said, "Not so fast my friend!"

Third to the plate was Chris, the former pro baseball player who took Des back home to McMinnville, Oregon.

They began with a baseball inspired date where Chris put eye black on Des to make her look like a ballplayer that said, "Heart Chris"

And when Des asked, "It says I heart Chris?" Chris replied, "Just heart, your eyes are up here (above the eye black)." 

While Chris was impressed that Des could hit, he was also concerned since she was clearly "no stranger to a bat."

Upon meeting Chris' family, his Dad, a chiropractor, offered to give Des "An adjustment."

And while Des obviously felt awkward since Chris' dad wasn't a juice head, she felt obliged to go along with him.

"Face down, with my butt in the air, with Chris' dad who I just met, massaging my back. It's not weird at all...Not weird at all."

I've heard of a "Daddy Tax" when it comes to taking a bite of food that you buy for your kids, but this is ridiculous." Nonetheless, Chris' dad still has a better chance of becoming the next Bachelor than James Case does.

Last up was Brooks in Salt Lake City, where Des got to meet his Brooks' Dad and seven Moms.

Unfortunately, Great Salt Lake was closed for the weekend, so Des had to settle for a trip to a smaller and crappier lake in some sort of city park, where women aren't allowed to wear shorts.

Brooks told his his parents that he still doesn't know how he feels about Des, which was his way of telling them he's gay.

Fortunately, went Brooks went Eddie Murphy and also played the role of his mother, who ultimately accepted his lifestyle.

After all of the Home Town Dates, Des announced, "There's just one more person that I need to talk to before tonight's Rose Ceremony, and it's not going to be easy, but it's something that I need to do."

And after consulting with Mikey T...Desiree's brother Nate made his second appearance on one of the Bachelor franchises in one year, tying him with the number of times he's met with his parole officer in the same time span.

Nate was convinced that his attempt to show Sean Lowe that their family was trailer trash on The Bachelor last season was for the best, saying, "It was just meant to work out that way."

Nate asked, "You know why I did what I did the last time? Of course, that rhetorical question begged the answer...

"Because you know that this is your last chance in life of bringing any attention to yourself aside from the "Crime Log" in the local newspaper.

And while Des confessed that Brooks was yet to tell her that he loved her, he received a Rose along with Chris and Drew.

That left Zak W. hanging, especially when Des returned the promise ring that he had given her back home.

Zak lamented that he was, "Going back home to kind of a dark place...Something told me that doing this, I would have a good chance of getting out of that slump that I've been in for so long,"

You know, because having a 1 of 30 shot at landing a chick just screams 'regaining self confidence.'

And in a dramatic move, Zak had his limousine pull over so he could throw the promise ring that Des returned to him out out the window in a desperate move to audition for becoming the next Bachelor.

And just like that, we are down to the final episode that will come down to Chris and Brooks competing for Desiree's affection, with Drew officiating.

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