Monday, July 8, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "He was found guilty, People vs. James, case dismissed!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Des and the guys heading to Barcelona, Spain.

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Drew, who had apparently just joined the cast as a replacement for Bryden.

Drew elected to tell Des about overhearing James talking with Mikey about scamming girls together when they get back to Chicago, and how he had a great chance to become the next Bachelor if he could at least make it the final four...But smartly, only after Des had already given him a Rose.

That caused Desiree to say, "I'm disappointed in James, because I truly believed he was an honest man," proving that she has absolutely no ability whatsoever to judge the character of any guy.

The Group Date consisted of a soccer match, which seemingly gave the advantage to Don Pablo, a former professional soccer player.

However, the match turned out to be against six highly skilled teenage girls, and James turned out to be the least athletic guy to ever mind a net, which is amazing considering that soccer players are by far and large unathletic.

That caused Juan Pablo to say, "I thought he was going to be a man today, but I guess he's scared of getting hit with the ball."

Meanwhile, Kasey quipped, "Your like 6'2, 260 pounds, and you're afraid a little girl this tall is going to kick the ball at you? C'mon brother, step it up."

Even our 10-year-old girl who was watching with us at home dogged James, calling him "a 'Cinderalla' soccer player - because he keeps running away from the ball." Can you guess who's going to inherit this blog?

After the match, Des pulled Chris aside at the cocktail party to read him a poem that she wrote for him on the plane.

And while the season could have ended right there since it's clear she's going to choose Chris in the end, at least we get to see James get humiliated on national TV for the second time in just a matter of minutes.

First, Kasey confronted James about his comments, while James claimed that it was Mikey who brought up going out and picking up women together once they got back to Chicago.

However, when Michael G. reminded James that he was the one trying to position himself to become the next Bachelor, James panicked and snapped avoiding the questing and taunting, "You haven't even been on a 1-on-1 date, have you Michael?"

Michael G. replied by imitating James and saying, "'Hey we're going to go to clubs bro...We're going to get it in...Girls!...It sounds like you're auditioning for The Jersey Shore, quite frankly."

The next person in line to confront James was Dez, which sadly lead to all kinds of tears.

Unfortunately, all of the crying that was done, was done by James Case.

When asked by Des if he actually said any of those things, James responded by saying, "No Ma'am," before complaining that being questioned was "giving me a head-headache."

And while Des elected not to send James home on the spot, he definitely triggered our kid's bullshit meters as we watched at home, as our ten-year-old and seven-year-old had the following exchange.
10 yr. old: "It's SOOO obvious that he's lying." 
7 yr. old: "I know, right?"
The second 1-on-1 Date went to Zak W., mainly because Des wanted to use his bleached teeth to distract her from all of the drama that she and the rest of the house experienced because of James. 

Unfortunately, Des chose to take Zak W. on an artsy date, which was kind of like taking James on date that required the guy to be an athlete or appreciate sports.

Their first task was drawing portraits of each other, and unfortunately things went horribly awry with Zak W's drawing, or as he tried to explain, "I added color, and there's nothing I can do about it now!"

Zak W's portrait of Desiree Hartsock looks surprisingly like former Bachelor contestant, Tierra Licausi.

Next up was a nude male model, which made Zak W. so jealous that he left the room, and came back wearing nothing but a robe and his own tighty-whities.

Zack Waddell is the type of guy who sees another guy without any clothes on, and immediately feels the need to challenge him to a "Pants Off," for which there are no winners.

Back at the hotel, James approached Des to tell her that he was "feeling much better" after their earlier conversation, to which she replied, "Really?"

James Case: You can always tell that a guy is lying when his nipples start to leak milk...Well, either that, or he forgot to pump.

Not realizing that he was about to be sent home, James started to cop an attitude with the other guys. "I might come off as a cocky son of a bitch, but I have a very great sense of self.

That caused the normally reserved Chris to interject, saying he could no longer stay calm with James saying that becoming the next Bachelor was a "win-win situation."

Once again realizing that he couldn't fully justify his statements, James stormed off by pouting, "You know what? I don't have to answer any questions to any of you guys any more if I don't feel like it."

As any good southerner in a position of power, Prosecutor Michael G. totally abused it and went as far as to scold James for cursing.

In the end, Des ended up casting her vote for the Prosecution, giving the last Rose to Michael G. over James.

Michael G. then made himself look like an idiot when he said, "He was found guilty, People vs. James, case dismissed!"

And while that may have sounded good, from a legal standpoint it was incorrect terminology since you obviously wouldn't have your case dismissed if you were found guilty in a court of law.

In addition to James, Kasey and Juan Pablo were also sent home, leaving Chris, Michael, Brooks. Zak W. and Drew as Desiree's final five. 

Meanwhile, James was left hurt and confused when he realized that his womanizing ways had just been exposed.

"I just became the next Ben and it's just....How did I come off to be such a bad person? Why Me?"

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