Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "Who has the biggest dick?"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Des and the guys flying to an island off of the coasts of Portugal and Africa, but resulting in none of the drama that the teasers had seemingly promised.

Unfortunately, Brooks Forester decided to represent America by wearing jean shorts.

In need of a personality infusion, The Bachelorette producers decided to bring in several girls from Sean's season to help Des with her lack of having any edge.

Those girls included Catherine (who won Sean), Jackie and Lesley.

When looking at the guys from afar, I'm pretty sure that a drunken Catherine asked, "Who has the biggest dick?" That caused Des to say, "I don't know," before she promptly said, "Probably Chris."

Jesus Catherine Giudici, do you kiss Sean Lowe with that mouth?

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Brooks, whom she took on a cliff side drive that went up through the clouds, which concluded with them kissing and screaming in unison, "We're on cloud nine!"

Des made it clear that she was falling in love with Brooks, even though he seemed torn about how he felt about her.

"I still have questions, I haven't introduced a lot of women to my family," which is usually the case when you're gay.

The next 1-on-1 Date went to Chris.

...Who promptly smelled the Date Card as if he had just been handed a pair of Desiree's underwear.

Des took Chris on a yacht to a deserted island, where Chris wore his "extra short shorts" just for her.

They then proceeded to write poetry together, which they put in a bottle and threw into the ocean.

Chris then awkwardly told Des that he loved her via another poem that went about seven versus too long, but still made Des cry...I'm just hoping that they still have a connection when the poetry wears off.

In anticipation of a hometown date, Chris asked Des about the guys that she's introduced to her parents.

That caused her to respond, "They've only met my high school boyfriend," apparently forgetting that all of America saw her bring home last season's Bachelor, Sean Lowe.

A third 1-on-1 Date went to Michael G., who she took out on the town to soak up the local culture.

With it being Michael's first real alone time with Des, even though he'd somehow made it to the final five, she was looking to see some vulnerability from him and whether or not there was any attraction.

Michael showed the vulnerability that Des was looking for when he revealed that his ex had cheated on him, although Des failed the ask the necessary question of, "Why?"

They were then serenaded by some fat Italian lady who couldn't carry a tune, although it was still better than any of the professional acts The Bachelorette had plugged all season.

The final date was a 2-on-1 between Zak W. and Drew, although it was not of the loser leaves town variety.

As a model, Drew Kenney is in great shape, but that doesn't help the likelihood that he's only 5'2.

Des took the two to a go-cart track, where she made them race for a "surprise," which only turned out to be getting alone time with her first.

Zak W. wins, causing Drew to say, "I am a lesser car driver than you, I get it," which is typically what the guy who drives a Volvo says to the guy who drives a Mustang.

However, Drew hid an ace up his sleeve...A sister back at home who would really love to meet Des, even though she's severely mentally retarded and can't even communicate.

Sure enough, Des noted how she knew she really wanted to meet Drew's family when she gave him the Rose for their date over Zak.

In the end, Des told Chris Harrison that "She's at the "Finish line" with Brooks, who grilled her about falling in love with him, seeming to know something that Des and the rest of us don't.

Des also admitted to falling in love with Chris, who surprisingly seemed like her second choice. I have a feeling that won't go over too well with him when Des ends up choosing him by default after Brooks comes out of the closet.

In the end, the Final Rose went to Zak W. over Michael G., who took things poorly even though he really didn't have any alone time with Des all season to develop any sort of real bond.

Michael first went to the eliminated contestant playbook by trying to guilt Des.

"I was so excited to let you see the house I grew up in...But I guess in a way it was a blessing...Because my mom would have loved you and it would have broke her heart."

He then went into full scale self pity mode. "I'm tired of having my heart broken and being rejected by women that I'm falling in love with."

And if that wasn't enough to kill any chance of Michael G. becoming the next Bachelor, he called his Mom who asked, "Are you okay?"

And when Michael responded, "No," Mommy seemed prepared when she said, "Here we go again."

No comments:

Post a Comment