This week marked the return of "The Guys Tell All" episode. You know, because there's nothing better than a bunch of juiced up guys sitting around and gossiping with each other.
First up was Jonathan, also known as "The Fantasy Suite Guy" due to his inebriation on the first night and insistence that Des joined him in some sort of closet that he kept calling a Fantasy Suite...Or as I called it, "Prom."
Jonathan began by noting, "I was shocked I didn’t get booed. Thanks a lot guys!"
That caused Michael G. to shit in Jonathan's Easter Basket by saying, “That’s because no one remembered you.”
Chris Harrison then informed the crowd that Brian, who's ex-Playmate girlfriend let him go on the show just show she could come on and get some free publicity, made the somewhat unprecedented decision not to appear on the show.
“We invited Brian to be here tonight…He chose not to attend…Instead, we’re going to talk about him.”
Asked to explain his exit remarks where he seemed to ask the limo driver to take him to a cocaine dealer and take him to a strip club, Ben was unable to make himself look any better than he did on the show.
In fact, even Mikey T. made him look bad when he said, “You should be the same person around your peers as your are around your girlfriend.”
For the record, Mikey T. is not a hypocrite, because he is on record as being a douche around pretty much everyone.
Some random guy named Dan from the audience told Ben that his baby’s momma came to him in Las Vegas and said he wasn’t a very good dad, that he only applied for custody after the show ended, and that he cheated on his current girlfriend with her.
And while that probably ended Ben's relationship with whoever his girlfriend was at that time, it probably made his ex un-datable too, considering that she had low enough self esteem to even consider going back to him for all the bad things she said about him as a dad.
Next up was Kasey, who confronted James about his "secret" plans to live the bachelor life with Mikey T. after the show, but only in a very benign gay way.
“Mikey knew that his time might be coming soon…but you sat there and said you’re falling in love with this girl," but at the same time wanted to meet girls with Mikey.
Mikey tried to stand up for himself and James by refusing to answer the question. “Why can’t you look at me, number one?” For those of you scoring at home, there was no number two...Mikey T. couldn't count that high.
Ending the debate once and for all was Juan Pablo, who had the respect of all women and gay men across the nation as a former pro soccer player with his Latin accent.
"My daughter or my sister? I would I no like her to date James right now. If he becomes a good James? I’m happy with it. But right now? No my daughter, no my sister"
When Chris asked James if he’d like to be the next Bachelor, he tried to keep his thing in his pants when he downplayed it by saying, “I’d have to consult with my family,” not realizing it was a rhetorical question.
And when the audience booed, Chris said, "I’m going to take that as no...Except the one guy who yelled yes." Unfortunately, that one guy was Mikey T.
Pimping who's sure to be the next Bachelor, ABC showed a clip of Juan Pablo in a Speedo before having him comment on his requirements for a girlfriend.
|Juan Pablo Galvasis in a Speedo, "She has to first, love my daughter. Second of all, she has to be a good dancer," as women across America messed their panties.|
When he finally met Des, Juan Pablo asked, "The only question I have is, why I never got a one on one date."
Cementing his status as the next Bachelor, Des called him “my calliente” and said that “all women would think so.”
Upon Zak Waddell's turn to appear, Chris appropriately said, “Thanks for being here. Thanks for wearing a shirt!”
When Des returned the journal that Zak had given her that was written in invisible ink, for reasons clearly unrelated to trying to become the next Bachelor, Zak let Chris read it to America.
Asked by Chris, “Do you know what you're going to say to her?" Zak W. said, “Yeah, I think I have something prepared.“
Luckily, Zak W. had an original song prepared for just such an occasion titled, "I'm Moving On."
And when Des asked him, "Are you going to make me cry?” Zak W. and his glowing white teeth broke America's heart by saying, “And maybe me too.”
...But he still won't be the next Bachelor.