Sunday, June 30, 2013

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "I'm not gay, but if I was, I would tear him apart!"

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The season of Big Brother began with the introduction of several twists.

The first of which being that host Julie Chan is not pregnant for the first time in fifteen seasons of the show, mainly because Maury Povich's prostate finally gave out.

Other twists included the announcement that there would no longer be two contestants. nominated for eviction each week, along with America's Vote selecting a "Player of the Week."

That caused the house's resident stoner, McCrae Olson, to surmise that there would only be one contestant nominated for eviction, temporarily forgetting that would defeat the purpose of having a weekly vote.

And it's the new Player of the Week, not the HOH, who gets the "Super Power" of secretly being able to nominate a third player up for eviction.

Finally, and most significantly, Big Brother After Dark has moved from Showtime to TVGN.

Big Brother After Dark cameras pick up pageant queen Aaryn Gries giving her fake boobs one final check before she left the bedroom and went out to flirt with the guys.

Why is this significant, you might ask?

While I initially thought this was great since I didn't subscribe to Showtime and I actually get TVGN, it actually turned out to be a nightmare.

Being somewhat OCD, I now feel compelled to watch two hours of live Big Brother feed EVERY fucking night, which is stressing out my DVR space...Plus all the bad words are bleeped out, so it's virtually impossible to follow any conversation.

As the house guests were introduced, Howard chose the finest white women available and promptly left the house...Unfortunately, black guys have horrible taste in white women.

With GinaMarie Zimmerman's ass in hand, Howard Overby is already a winner on Big Brother 15.

Ellen Kim described walking into the Big Brother house like "Meeting your favorite celebrity of all-time," which was obviously the show's host, Connie Chung.

Butt-hole surfer dude David Girton had an immediate physical attraction to one particular person on the cast.

"I like to look at myself in front of the mirror and just like hold my peck and see how hard it is and touch my abs. I love the ladies, and the ladies love me."

David went to add, "I definitely can't leave home without my v-necks to show my pecks, but yeah," as he lost his train of thought while provocatively rubbing his nipple.


We all now know that David Girton thinks pretty highly of his pecks, but what the fuck is up with his obsession with playing with his own nipples?

The in-house chemistry didn't stop with just David and his salt-kissed, rock-hard nipples.

Kaitlin Barnaby let us know that she was all about bagging a gay guy. "OMG, Andy's so cute! I was hoping for a gaymance this summer!"

And if this prospective relationship goes through, it will put an end to the notion that the "Hag" is inversely proportionate in hotness to her "Fag."

Real physical attractions also started to develop. For example, Jeremy really seemed to like Kaitlin, Amanda was really into Nick, while McCrae was all up in Howard's nether-parts.

Or as McCrae said, "This guy is absolutely jacked, he is cut from stone. I'm not gay, but if I was, I would tear him apart!"

And the while stoner pizza delivery boy Fry, seemed to fool Amanda, Ellen and Andy into thinking that he was secretly some sort of genius on the down low, Rachel Reilly's free-riding sister wasn't fooling anybody.

Even the mentally challenged Judd Daughtery seemed to pick up on the resemblance between her and her sexually transmitted sister, but only in his own way.

"So, Elissa looks a little bit familiar...I kind of want to get to the bottom of it."

It was only after Candice said, "That girl looks like Rachel Reilly's sister...She looks just like her, like lips and her eyes" that the light finally clicked on for Judd, or as he likes to call himself, the J-U-double re!"

"So I thought Elissa looked familiar, and then Candice said she looked like Rachel Reilly, and then it just dawned on me, she's Rachel Reilly's sister!"

A strong initial alliance formed between Nick, Spencer, Jeremy, Howard and God. And while I could be wrong, I believe the ultra religious Howard named their group "The Disciples."

Drunk on people who actually pretended to like him, Jeremy went on to make another alliance with Jessie and Elissa, just in case somebody needed to be evicted from the Jury House at some point.

The seasons' first HOH competition was an endurance contest, that involved hanging onto Popsicles this longest, which made Rachel Reilly's sister the clear favorite to win, and she was only using her mouth.

And literally, before the contest even began, Spencer Clayton (or is it Clayton Spencer) was showing us his "Southern" or "Plumber's Smile."

Proving that white guys from the South talk a good game that they can't back up, Judd dropped out after just of 5 minutes. 

Despite possibly being the most buff guy in the house, Howard went out next.

Of course, he had a built in excuse. "Look at these arms, I can hang on to a giant Popsicle as long as I want to, but I didn't want to come across as big of a threat, so I threw it."

And if that was Howard Overby's way of saying that he's "on the down low," I think McCrae Olson just may be interested.

Meanwhile, Jessie somehow seemed able to hang on to her Popsicle immaculately, causing Aaryn to question, "Are your Kegel's holding on to that Popsicle?"

Surprisingly, Jessie Kowalski and her "Polish pussy" was able to hang to her Popsicle even when she let go with her hands!

That caused a stunned Jeremy to almost drool when he said, "Never in my life have I wanted to be a Popsicle so bad."

However, Jeremy didn't turn out to be as strong as he thought he was and he immediately started making excuses. "The challenge to me is, I have 210 pounds to hold up. I may have these guns, but gravity's not my friend,"

Sure enough, Jeremy dropped out after playing what he claimed to be a "Cherokee Mind Game" with David, which apparently involved not doing very well in battles and drinking heavily. 

Did I say Jeremy McGuire was Native American? Because the Native American's wouldn't claim him even when he was a white kid put up for adoption to a white couple.

And as Jeremy was busy making excuses about why he wasn't as athletic as he claimed he was, David seemed more worried about his hair than winning HOH.

"My hair would have to be, definitely, be my prize possession. If all these Big Brother competitions are going to be like messing up my hair, I don't know, like - I don't know."

"Angry Bird" David Girton is "definitely" mistaken if he thinks that he has "good hair."

In the end, Nick ended up making a deal with McCrae where he wouldn't go up for eviction in any shape or form in return for dropping from his Popsicle.

That caused McCrae to forget all about his job at the local pizza place and go for an endorsement deal with Digiornos by coming up with an awesome catchphrase and yelling, "Pizza boy's delivering baby!"

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Episode 1:

16. Elissa Slater - With the house realizing on day one that Elissa looks like her sister, Rachel Reilly, there's probably not much she can do at this point. However, there's even worse news for Elissa....She looks just like her sister.

At least Elissa Slater learned something from her famous Big Brother alumni relatives. Her brother-in-law Brendan Villanueva taught her to bend over and take it like a man...Then again, so did her sister, Rachel Reilly.

15. Jessie Kowalski - Jessie seems like the girl who maxed out back in high school and still thinks way too highly of herself. "I was varsity swim team, I was captain of the cheerleading squad in Junior High. Girls are always jealous of me because of my great personality and good looks."

Girls who have "great personalities,""good looks" and who wear shirts without bras like Jessie Kowalski aren't  usually unemployed, single, or the first ones on the nominating block unless they have some serious flaws.

14. Candice Stewart - A black girl who was adopted and raised by white parents, Candice took the worse traits of both females from both races...Competing in pageants and trying to date pro athletes.

Candice Stewart: She got some crazy in her eyes...Plus she's fat now.

13. Helen Kim - As the old chick at 37, Helen seems a little too reclusive and a little too interested in having sex with Candice to aspire to be anything more than a floater...And that's her best case scenario.

12. Kaitlin Barnaby - Kaitlin seems like a bitchy mean girl, but aside from Aaryn, she doesn't have any other bitchy girls to bond with.That probably won't get her very far in this game, not unless she and Aaryn can bond with Jessie and turn some of the boys, or at least turn some of the boys on.

On the other hand, Kaitlin Barnaby's boobs are really, really nice!

11. Aaryn Gries - Trying to prove her grittiness, Aaryn claimed, "I am the ultimate Texas girl, I have no problems getting my hands dirty." That is, except for the part where she's a prissy pageant queen who actually won the title of Miss Teen Colorado International, which should probably just be shortened to Miss Teen Colorado*

Then again, Aaryn Gries really might be a tomboy from Texas...They even had to blur out the penis between her legs when she was riding this 4-wheeler.  

10. Andy Herren - Andy is either laying low and analyzing the competition, or he's totally boring and intimidated by the rest of the cast.

Much like Aaryn, Gina Marie and Candice, Andy Herren made  the obligatory pageant face with spirit fingers upon being introduced to the house.

9. Judd Daughtery - Judd's not the sharpest catfish in the shed, but at least he seems entertaining to the other house guests based upon his stupidity. For example, Judd talked about his hobbies back home.

"I'm just a good ole boy, and around these parts everyone calls me 'J-U- double D, party darty!' I like to frog gig, I like to fish, and I like to cook-out with all my friends."

He went on to say, "I hope they have some hot Italian women in there from Staten Island in there, that's something that I'm not used to here in 'East Tennessee,'" you know, because hot Italian women definitely love them some guys who can gig them some frogs.

Crazy enough, not only were there two girls from Staten Island in the house, but "East Tennessee" became an official state in protest of Obama being elected President.

But despite all of his faults, at least Judd was socially aware. "I was kind of thinking that people might think that I'm the dumbest guy in the house, and then I meet David (Girton), and maybe that's not going to be the case after all."

8. Gina Marie Zimmerman - This aging porn model immediately sought the ultra religious Howard, literally mounted him and said, "I'm from Staten Island, we like out muscle. This guy definitely got some muscle."

She went on to add, "I'm GinaMarie, I'm from Staten Island, and these are real," making her the only girl from Staten Island with blond hair and real boobs. 

Is that a cleavage piercing, or does GinaMarie Zimmerman have genital herpes on her fake boobs?

7. Amanda Zuckerman - I can't get a good read on Amanda yet. She seems very personable, but also very polarizing, meaning I can see her sharp sense of humor rubbing people the wrong way...And by people, I just mean Jeremy.

6. David Girton - David introduced himself to the house by saying, "I'm David, I'm a beach lifeguard, and, yeah..."

David Girton lost his train of thought before he could tell everyone that he played Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Rex Manning in Empire Records.

5. McCrae Olson - Saying, "I don't aspire to anything aside from being the best damn delivery boy there's ever been," I can't say that McCrae has set his sights on anything higher than co-starring in a Jenna Jameson porno.

Unfortunately for McCrae, I'm talking about the current meth'd out Jenna Jameson, not the hot Jenna Jameson back when she was only drunk and coked up. On the plus side I don't think McCrae would care, and he may have found his way into the all guy alliance.

Well, by going in "black face" McCrae Olson can probably rule out the Digiorno endorsement gig, but the porn role with Jenna Jameson may still not be out of the question.

4. Howard Overby - If the ultra religious Howard turns out to be the leader of the all guys alliance, does that make him Black Jesus? Does that make GinaMarie his whore?

Honestly, I'm still impressed by Howard Overby's one-handed catch of GinaMarie Zimmerman and her ass when she lunged at him...It's kind of like he was just palming a basketball.

3. Spencer Clawson - Spencer is overly dramatic with his quotes, kind of like Lane and Kentucky Joe, who thought that being loud in the confession room would magically make what they were saying interesting. On the plus side for Spencer, he seems tight with a pretty strong alliance to start the summer off.

2. Jeremy McGuire - Jeremy is also in strong with the guy's alliance, but he just puts out this psychopathic vibe, like he wouldn't think twice about skinning you alive with a buck knife or dealing your cards from the bottom of a stacked deck if you rubbed him the wrong way.

Jeremy McGuire keeps talking about how he's Native American. His tattoos are a tribal symbol for "Giant Douche Bag."

1. Nick Uhas -Nick appears to the the ringleader of the all male alliance. The way he looks and the way he acts kind of reminds me of the best player in Big Brother history, Dan Gheesling. Now let's see if he can live up to that comparison.


  1. McCrae isn't doing blackface in that photo, he's doing Xavier: Renegade Angel. Look it up.

  2. My bad dude...I should have recognized the beak. I was too busy not delivering pizzas.