Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "We've been through a lot of bad things, you threw rocks at my face!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with a Group Date that consisted of a bunch of muscle bound guys who'd never participated in any type of athletics playing dodgeball against each other.

That caused Michael G. to say, "It's only a matter of time before the ambulance arrives and someone has a broken face."

Sure enough, Brooks managed to hurt his finger, which ultimately caused him to pass out and be taken to the hospital via the Bachelor's very own Medevac helicopter.

Brooks got hurt during the dodgeball game, causing Des to ask, "Is that a penis on your finger, or are you just happy to see me?"

Brad pulled Desiree aside at the cocktail party after the game to confess that not only did he have a three-year-old kid, but that his ex had him arrested for domestic violence just two years earlier (of course, if you listen to Brad it was all HER fault).

Pleased with his confession, and apparently hoping that Des really did grow up in a domestic violence filled trailer park, Brad almost seemed to consider his confession as a positive.

"I think I opened up as much as I possibly could, and I would love a Rose."

Kind of like a zombie returning from the dead, or at least a soccer player, Brooks miraculously returned from the hospital still dressed up in his dodgeball outfit.

Keep in mind that Brooks Forester ended up leaving the dodge ball game to go to the hospital for a broken finger...Unfortunately, due to some unforseen complications and Obamacare, Brooks didn't make it.

Despite Brooks' semi-heroic return, it was Chris who earned the Group Date rose for not only standing out in dodgeball, but for finding a secluded rooftop that he took Des to as a romantic gesture.

Ironically, while that rooftop had a helicopter landing pad, the "Batch-Copter" never arrived.

After the Group Date, Chris Harrison called Des with some absolutely unbelievable news...Apparently one of her suitors had a girlfriend, which left Des, the house, and all of America in shock.

And with the douche-bag lottery weighted heavily towards steroid guys who wear pink shirts, it was Brian, the cross-eyed financial planner from Baltimore who uses steroids and wears pink shirts with his sleeves rolled up to distinguish himself who ended up winning.

No, my this is not distortion from my camera, and it's not the latest member of Russell Hantz's family to appear on a reality TV show. It's Brian Jarosinski, the first disproportionate dwarf to appear an a dating show since Midget Mac was on VH-1's I Love New York 2.

And as Des quizzed him to promote her new hit single "For The Right Reasons," Brian remained in denial. That is, until his current ex-girlfriend Stephanie came storming in.

And as soon as his girlfriend Stephanie walked in, Brian Jarosinski made the "Oh Shit" face, indicating that he knew he had been busted.

And while Chris Harrison then spent the next 5 minutes trying to get Stephanie to shut up as she read her script flawlessly while ripping into Brian, she did make a convincing case to appear on the next installment of The Bachelor Pad.

Not only did Brian's Klingon girlfriend Stephanie Larimore reveal that Brian lied to her about coming onto The Bachelorette, but that they slept together in the final days before he left to come on the show under the pretext that it was just a business trip.

Trying to scramble to stay on the show, Brian made a last ditched attempt to try and downplay their relationship.

"We've been through a lot of bad things, you threw rocks at my face," which actually explains a lot...Like why Brian seemed unable to open his left eye.

Ultimately, things ended poorly for Brian, with Desiree telling him that there was no fucking way she was going to let him stay on the show...Mainly because her brother would have liked him way too much.

Not surprisingly, Brian and Stephanie are reportedly back together.

More surprisingly, it turns out Brian's ex/current girlfriend Stephanie Larimore is a former Playboy Playmate who dated a former Bachelor contestant, Craig Robinson from Season 6...She and Brian couldn't possibly have staged this for publicity, could they?
Brian's departure was almost too much for a sexually confused Brandon to handle. "I've had a lot of men come into my life...and I've fallen in love with them, and they're just gone, and that really sucked."

Brandon may have had a hard time dealing with Brian leaving the show...But at least we know that ex-child stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were able to reproduce together before they both tragically died.

Going on a 1-on-1 Date with a girl immediately after she busted a contestant on The Bachelorette has to be akin to going on second date with a girl who's on the rag, which Kasey can now attest to.

And while Des tried to impress Kasey by taking him to the infamous Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood to get a prostitute and clean windows, it was clear that her heart wasn't in the date.

The highlight of the evening was when Des declared "I think I peed my pants" as they were doing something called "bandalooping" on the side of a skyscraper...Kegels Des, Kegels!

Des concluded the evening by planning a beautiful pool side dinner even though a cold and windy storm moving him.

Fortunately, Des saved their wind interrupted dinner by convincing Kasey to jump in the pool with her...Which was much warmer than moving indoors or getting into the hot tub.

Realizing she was getting back to dating a little too quickly after Brian broke her heart, Des at least she gave Kasey a Rose for his troubles and being a trooper even though her mind wasn't into it.

Trying to keep up with all of the cross-promotions being utilized by the crappy new Superman movie, the crappy new Lone Ranger movie sponsored a western themed Group Date.

Desiree's guys all had to ride a horse, re-enact a good old fashioned fight scene, and rescue the girl.

And that caused Dan to promptly split his pants. 

Unlike Dan, Don Pablo got a Rose for practically oozing machismo.

After the date, super roidy "Juice Crew" member James guilted Des into giving him a Rose by telling her that his dad was dying of pancreatic cancer, and asking her to give him reason to stick around.

With Des ditching the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party and opting for a pool party instead, this season's villain Ben stole Des as she arrived and took her on a drive.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but unlike the guys on the show, I don't see Ben as much of a villain at all. In fact, unlike my ex-father in law or Ryan Bowers (from Emily Maynard's season), he even lets his romantic interest do the driving. 

Desiree Hartsock: Finally, a Bachelorette without fake boobs.

And while Ben tried to keep his little detour with Des a secret, Mikey T. saw the two of them arrive back at the party together.

He later took issue with Ben when he heard him tell someone that he hadn't got spend any time with Des at the party yet.

Ben responded by saying, "It's called The Bachelorette for a reason, it's not called 'Let's make friends,'" although he made sure to do so when Mikey T. and his tattoo were nowhere to be seen.

Michael Tenerelli: Mikey T's upper bicep tattoo is a Native American tribal symbol for "Big Douche."

Brandon Corey Haim-Feldman told Des that he had a secret to tell her, but ended up trying to kiss her as she leaned in, which clearly made her uncomfortable, although he was a little to love struck to pick up on it.

That lead to his demise at the Rose Ceremony, where he went home along with Dan, who's dreams split just like his pants. 

Of course, Brandon was caught completely off guard, causing him to ask, "Why'd you do this?"

When Des chased him down to specifically tell him that she didn't feel any chemistry with him, Brandon broke down.

"Once again, someone left me," which was actually only a half truth, as most of those guys had simply left his slutty mom, and not him. 

Sadly, the episode concluded with Brandon saying, "I can't even cry, I'm just all out of tears," even though he managed to do so anyway.

No comments:

Post a Comment