Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "You guys missed out, the single dad from Texas - Hi Hollywood!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Des and the guys heading to Munich, Germany.

Chris revealed that it was Desiree's first trip to Europe, you know, because poor people who grew up in trailers can't afford international travel.

Having received the first date card, Chris read it in what appeared to be fluid German, "Das ist nicht eine Boobie!!"

Meanwhile, a jealous and bitchy Bryden not only decided that he was going to go home, but that he needed to find Des and tell her...While she was on her date with Chris

Before Bryden arrived, Desiree Hartsock and Chris were sucking on wieners like they were bratwurst.

Bryden then proceeded to wander the streets of Munich asking locals whether or not they've seen two people being followed by a bunch of television cameras.

He then showed why he couldn't get into college after high school when he said, "I really hope it doesn't ruin those guys date together."

Interesting...Bryden Vukasin gets a slightly cooler bowl cut, and suddenly he thinks he can do better than Desiree Hartsock (you also can't help but notice all of the protein powder he takes in the background).

With Desiree in tears and worried that her guys would start leaving her, Chris assured her that he was in it until the end, and that he wouldn't abandon her...Unlike her father.

With their date going on into the wee hours, Chris was happier than an 8-year-old on a sleep over.

"I don't have to worry about what time I go to bed, I don't have to worry about brushing my teeth, I don't have to worry about anything!"

Chris, who's my frontrunner to win this season, also gushed about Desiree and why he was falling for her.

"She is intelligent, she can throw a football, she's witty."

That made Desiree Hartsock a pretty good consolation prize, considering that this season's Bachelorette didn't turn out to be Jesse Palmer as he had hoped.

With Chris receiving a Rose, the Group Date involved a cable car ride up to the top of a mountain in the Alps overlooking Germany and Austria where they met a professional yodeler.

That caused a linguistically challenged Don Pablo to ask, "There's this guy who's juggler, he's juggler? I don't even know how to say it...Yodeler."

Meanwhile, Mikey T. sang the chorus from "Laid" by the singer James.

As Des and the guys prepared to sled down Germany's highest peak Drew said, "You know that something seriously bad  can happen here," You know, because the injury prone Brooks was on the date.

Zak Waddell and his glowing teeth was particularly happy while working his stick.

After going to a snow motel, or as Drew called it, an "igloo hotel" (Personally, I would have gone with "Snowtel"), Brooks took Des to bed where they shared a kiss.

 Meanwhile Mikey T. made her a snow penis before Zak W. interrupted them by singing from afar.

Unlike Zak Waddell's penis, Mkey Tenerelli's is very white...and curved.

And while James made out with Des too, Brooks ended up getting the Group Date Rose in the end.

...While James Case ended up stealing  Desiree's scarf.

That left Michael G. and Ben to go on the dreaded 2-on-1 "loser leaves town" date.

Michael decided to get himself pumped up early. "So, in this competitive gladiator style setting, I need to now go and murder Ben."

Of, never having watched The Bachelor or The Bachelorette before, Michael G. decided to use the 2-on-1 to talk badly about Ben instead of trying to bond with Des himself, which is always a recipe for going home.

"I am an attorney...I do have certain trial tactics when it comes to cross-examining and impeaching someone...Today Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersonation of a southern gentleman."

Michael G., Ben and Desiree Hartsock also rode in a Hot Tub Time Machine, which transported them back to a point in time when knitted hats were cool for girls to wear.

And even though Des warned Michael G. to back off, he still continued to attack Ben further, lashing out about his failure to attend church with the guys on Easter, and criticizing him as a father for coming on the show.

That finally caused Ben to step outside during dinner in order to cool off, because for the first time in his life, his faith had been questioned.

...Ben Scott, the spiritual guy who owns a bar called The Trophy Room, which is described as an "upscale" Dallas sports bar with a mechanical bull, if there is such a thing.

Based upon the potential of a future together, Des gave the 2-on-1 Date Rose to Michael G., much to his own surprise.

A bitter and irate Ben then let his true intentions known. "You guys better be really careful on who fucking makes it in, you're not gonna have a Bachelor. You guys missed out, the single dad from Texas - Hi Hollywood!"

Here's Ben Scott posing as The Bachelor before he ever came on The Bachelorette.

That caused Ben to say, "Let's go," to the limo driver before asking him, "Where are we getting drunk, lets have some fun tonight," and, "How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with somebody? Because I don't want to wait!"

Back at the hotel, Mikey T. and James tried to continue their secret love affair, only they were overheard by Kasey and Drew.

James Case has a thing for dimples...Face dimples, ass dimples...They're all the same.

That conversation consisted of James talking to Mikey T. about going home to Chicago together and macking on chicks, with James also saying that he had a good chance of becoming the next Bachelor.

Not yet aware that James and Mikey T. were contemplating running off together, Des talked to Chris Harrison about her guy Holocaust while in Germany. "I feel great about the guys that are here."

In fact, she was so confident that she went on to waive the Cocktail Party since she had already made up her mind, essentially shitting in Jeremy's Easter basket since he was planning on ratting James out.

Jeremy surprisingly got the second to last Rose leaving Mikey T. and James as the last two guys standing without a Rose, proving that Desiree's not as dumb as Mikey T. and James look.

The final Rose went to James. That cause Mikey T. to lament, "It doesn't make sense to me....She's never going to know the guy she missed out on."

But sadly for Mikey Tenerelli, being a womanizing plumber who moonlights as a male stripper at bachelorette parties does not necessarily qualify you to be on The Bachelorette.

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