Monday, June 3, 2013

The Bachelorette Blog - "Will you accept these abs?"

This season's Bachelorette is Desiree Hartsock, who's no Emily Maynard.

Don't get me wrong, Desiree's still a white trash, she's just not not white trash and a gold-digging redneck like Emily was.

Desiree is best known for getting dumped by Sean Lowe on the last season of The Bachelor on her hometown date in Houston after her brother escaped from jail just to try to reclaim her heart as his own.

This season began at The Bachelorette mansion in Malibu, or as the people here in Kentucky erroneously spelled the street I used to work on, "Malabu." You know, because it's Kentucky.

Desiree began the episode by shakily trying to drive a manual transmission baby-blue Bentley convertible to what appeared to be a flea market.

That was the perfect forum for Desiree Hartsock to sport her new high end "Daisy Dukes," a blue bra, and a straw cowboy hat on camera to announce that she's now a star...Just like Brett Michaels, Jillian Michaels, and anyone else on reality TV who never had a dad.

After about seven "Cinderella" references, Desiree was asked to describe what she was looking for in a man.

"From my past relationships I know that I do need someone who can communicate to me how they feel...I just love companionship, I love cuddling...but when I do fall in love, I fall head over heals."

And that proved that Desiree is in fact a woman...Unlike Brittney Griner.

Unfortunately, with her family's white trash reality TV show on hold due to her brother getting thrown back in "county," we were left only to meet the men competing for Desiree's heart on this season of The Bachelorette.

As usual, this year's contestants showed off all of the worst qualities that males as a gender have to offer.

For example, this year we have dudes who would willingly trade I.Q. points for abdominal muscles, closet rapists from the south (literally), and guys who play soccer.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette.

First Impressions (not an exclusive list, but here are the contestants who stood out):

Bryden - Bryden claims to have joined the Army and served in Iraq after breaking up with his his high school girlfriend, which was just another way of saying that he wasn't smart enough to get into college.

Zak W. - Zak W. is involved in some kind of gas or oil drilling in Texas, where he lives in the middle of nowhere and spends the better part of his free time doing crunches, drinking coffee, and sitting naked on his deck with a small piece of black cardboard Super-Glued to his junk.

Notice how the black paper covering Zak Waddell's dink doesn't extend downward very far...

Zak W. is also this year's winner of the 9th Annual Bachelorette Douche Bag o' the Year Award as the guy who thinks that everyone who wants to see him shirtless.

In fact, he was narcissistic enough to ask Desiree, "Will you accept these abs?

Zak Waddell: When Zak W. got out of the limo without his shirt on, it was kind of like Phoebe Cates getting out of the pool topless in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...Only without anybody wanting to masturbate. 

Will - The overly energetic banker from Chicago, who doubles as a "Slaps-Me-Five-Machine" as he walks down the street and feels obligated to speak to every random person he passes, whether they wanted to talk with him or not.

As Will met Desiree for the first time he for some reason gave her the nickname Athena, and asked her to give him a nickname back in return...She ended up going with "Token Black Guy."

Jonathan - A lawyer from North Carolina, Jonathan spent the entire first evening trying to con Desiree into some sort of closet that he made up to look like a creepy make-shift "Fantasy Suite" where he not so secretly hoped to rape her.

And like most lawyers and Southern frat boys, Jonathan didn't know how to take no as an answer.

Even after Dez not so politely declined his initial offer, he came back with not just one, but two more attempts to push her into his "Little Shop of Roofies."

With her sexual assault whistle blaring before the Rose Ceremony even began, Desiree sent Jonathan back home to North Carolina.

And while Jonathan was fine with re-registering as a sexual offender, he didn't seem to understand what he did wrong.

"She doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite, I don't understand what went wrong with her. I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I'm pretty fun, my mom thinks I'm pretty good looking, and my love tank  has not been depleted for years."

While I'm hoping that Jonathan's "love tank" isn't a reference to what I think it is, I am pretty giddy that he made reference to it in the same thought in which he mentioned that his mom thought he was "pretty good looking."

And while many will probably conclude that Jonathan was simply hamming it up and playing some sort of character, Jonathan across as a pretty accurate representation of most of the guys who present themselves as "Southern gentlemen."

Nick R. - A tailor/magician from Chicago, or perhaps a magical tailor. Nick R. turned the first Cocktail Party into his own little magic show when he promised the guys and Desiree a trick, only to reveal that he was merely going to make her disappear with him for five minutes.

Unfortunately, Nick R. turned out to me more like Chris Angel and less like David Blaine, and the only rose he got to hold was the one he pulled out of his sleeve to give to Des as he got out of the limo to greet her.

Larry - An ER doctor from Berkley, CA, Larry spent the entire first evening trying to apologize to Dez for trying to dip her and accidentally ripping her dress when he first got out of the limo, not realizing that it was his creepy stare that made her feel uncomfortable.

While Larry seemed out of touch with...well, women in general, he actually seemed like a pretty funny guy that ABC probably needed to prod Des into keeping around for banter around the house.

For example, he had the guys busting out laughing when he said, "I think of everybody here, with the exception of Fantasy Suite Man, I'm kind of #2 in line...At least I'm glad that guy's here.

And while Larry was denied a rose and sent home, he did seem to take an interest in Nick R., the magician.

In fact, when Nick R. revealed that his magical illusion was that he was simply going to make Des disappear with him, Larry yelled out, "You're the worst magician ever!"

He then went on to complain not about Nick taking Des away, but about missing out on the illusion he had been promised. "I was disappointed, I actually wanted to see a magic trick."

Juan Pablo - Desiree had an immediate physical connection to Juan Pablo, even though we are yet to confirm whether or not he is able to speak English, which may or may not cause the Tea Party to boycott this season's episodes.

Unfortunately, when Juan Pablo, a former pro soccer player tried to teach Desiree Hartsock the game, she bumped into him and he fell to the ground writhing in pain, causing two random dudes with a stretcher to carry him off camera before he miraculously sprinted back for the Rose Ceremony.

Robert - Robert calls himself an advertising engineer from L.A., and claims to have invented the sign spinning industry.

And that's just a fancy way of saying that Robert works at Little Caesar's Pizza, but doesn't have a drivers license.

Brandon - Brandon is one of this year's sob stories, claiming that he lost his father at an early age, and that his alcoholic mother was forced to raise him...Kind of like the male version Emily Maynard and her bastard kid, lil' Ricki Bobby.

Apparently trying to tell Desiree of how much their family's had in common, Brandon gave her his mother's sobriety coin, which apparently means that his mom's allowed to go on a bender in the event that Des ultimately dumps him and winds up keeping the coin.

And given that Brandon arrived at the show not via limousine, but on a douchey motorcycle, consider me on team "Dump him"

Ben - Unlike Emily Maynard, who jammed her retarded little kids face in front of the camera every chance she got, but then tried to claim that she was trying to protect her privacy, Ben made no attempt to hide that he was pimping out his four-year-old son, Brody.

In fact, Ben even sent him out of the limo first to greet Des with a flower. And while it was the kid was adorable, Des bit and gave Ben the first Rose of the evening.

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