The Bachelorette Blog - "She's like this mystical creature, she's like the unicorn"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Chris Harrison announcing that Des and her thirteen remaining guys would be touring the world together.

First stop, Atlantic City, NJ...Because apparently the rest of the world was already booked that weekend.

Kasey exclaimed, "This place is awesome, it's kind of like Las Vegas on the ocean,"...Only in New Jersey...in the middle of winter...and with more dudes from New Jersey and less professional whores.

Brad, the gay single dad with a restraining order against him received the first 1-on-1 Date.

And while he was really good at going on rides at the boardwalk, Brad proved that he was incapable of talking to women, or for that matter, probably anyone.

Realizing that Brad was just another pretty gay man with a history of domestic violence, Des made him walk all the way up to the top of a lighthouse where she immediately dumped him, forcing him to walk all the way back down alone.

Desiree told Brad, "You are going to find someone amazing, who will complete your family," which in the worst case scenario for him is a Court Protective Service Worker, or in the best case scenario, a dude.

The Group Date consisted of a trip to the Jersey Shore Boardwalk, which was a big hit with Mike, Ronnie, Vinny and Paulie D.

Brooks was clearly happy to see Dez. "She's like this mystical creature, she's like the unicorn. She shows up every once in a while and is here for 10 seconds then is gone, and usually with another guy."

In actuality, they went to the site of Miss America pageant, where the 11 dudes on the date had to compete for the the title of what Des called "The Bachelorette's Mr. America Pageant."

The guys were assisted by reigning Miss America, Malory Hytes-Hagan, who taught them how to let themselves go immediately after winning their TV show.

I don't know what Malory Hytes-Hagan looked like before she won the Miss America Pageant, but she sure is fat now and her bleach blond hair has some really bad roots.

With a set of props to use for their talent contest, Des asked if anyone could twirl a baton. Sure enough, the mysterious Juan Pablo grabbed it, gave it professional twirl and catch, and then winked a the camera.

And to think, I didn't think that Juan Pablo was manly because he was a soccer player.

In addition to the talent competition, there was also a swimsuit competition, with each guy pre-assigned the particular style and swimsuit they would be wearing on stage.

Sure enough, juice head Mikey Tenerelli practically begged to wear a Speedo. Fortunately for America, Desiree had already assigned him a more palatable pair of board shorts.

"To my dismay, the bathing suit I was chosen to wear was actually bigger than the one I brought. I was a little disappointed I wasn't going to able to show everything off."

Surprisingly, when the Interview portion of the pageant kicked off Mikey seemed to do a 180 when he was asked what women don't understand about men.

"I'm tired of being a piece of meat, I wanted to get my message across that I'm sensitive"...Said the guy who was literally volunteering to trade swimsuits so he could wear a banana hammock to show off his junk. 

Mikey Tenerelli also wants women to know that guys like him also like to wear shirts that are two sizes too small so they can show off their boobs.

On the other hand, Brooks owned his answer leading to Desiree's approval, showing it wasn't how manly you answer, but how confidently you did so.

When it came time for the talent contest, guys like Mikey T., Chris and Ben didn't seem to realize that dancing around shirtless isn't really considered a talent unless. That is, unless you're Ryan Lochte. 

That's when things went from gay to gayer.

Is it really considered dressing in drag when the only feminine clothing that Chris was wearing was a pair of high heels?

And as disturbing as his performance was, at least we finally figured out Mikey T's real career was.

...And what Bryden Vukasin's career wasn't.

And keep in mind, all of this took place for the actual swimsuit competition even began.

I'm not sure of Miss America's specific rule on "stuffing," but it sure looks like Ben took extra care to make sure his package is protected in case he or one of the other guys accidentally drop it.

Kasey displayed the most talent, or at least he had enough showmanship to fake it.

That made him the first winner of "The Bachelorette's Mr. America."

...And even if he goes home early, Kasey will always have this Bachelorette moment frozen in time that he can frame and hang on his mantle.

Never one to let an opportunity for a good ole' pool party to pass, Des took the guys straight from the swimsuit competition to a post date pool party.

Desiree Hartsock: Despite her killer bikini bod, early reports suggest that most of the guys weren't really all that into her, citing that she's too boring.

While Chris pulled Des aside to read her a poem and got a kiss, Zak W. played her the rest of his original song on acoustic guitar that he played at the Talent Competition and got a Rose.

Zak Waddell: With his propensity to take off his shirt to show his abs and his acoustic guitar, Zak Waddell is an Ed Hardy shirt away from the Triple Crown of douche-baggery...In other words, he way just be the perfect guy for a girl from a trailer park like Desiree Hartsock.

Not to be outdone, Ben showed Des his bitchin' seashell necklace...No, he didn't give it to her, but he did show it to her.

Ben made sure to position himself for the camera to show off his guns and some sort of bad tat or stab wound on his left side.

Not only did James get the final 1-on-1 Date, but he took full advantage of having the Mansion/hotel all to himself by taking a very masculine bubble bath and eating chocolate covered strawberries.

James Case: Can you say "The next Bachelor?" Me neither.

Not only did Des take James to tour the hurricane ravaged Jersey Shore from the air, but it marked the triumphant return of The Batch-Copter!

James revealed it would be his very first helicopter ride, while Des indicated she had, noting how this wasn't the first time she'd been on one of the shows in The Bachelor franchise

Des and James went on to visit a rich old couple who had tragically just lost their fully insured million dollar beachfront vacation home.

Or as the old man said, "This is all our life here...We bought this place in 2007."

The old lady was more star-struck, having been stuck with the cast of Jersey Shore over the past several years. "I can't believe this...We never see stars,"

Apparently unable to do the math to determine that it was merely a middle school relationship, Des questioned James' ability to remain loyal after he told her cheated on his girlfriend of five and a half years during his freshman year of college.

Des and James later caught back up with the old couple for a private concert by Hootie, who recently changed genre to big band music.

Back at the hotel, Des and Chris made a pledge to stay "friends forever," which immediately made Chris exclaim, "Are we in the friend zone right now? Dammit!"

That caused Des to re-assure him by saying, "Friends don't kiss." You know, because kissing is clearly saved for men who hit you where Des comes from.

D

I can't help but notice that like Brooks, Michael G. apparently suffered a broken thumb, but with none of the drama.

Bryden seemed to be the first girl, I mean guy to crack over the pressure of having to share Des with the other guys.

"If she offered me the rose, I'm not sure I would accept it...The feelings that were there, aren't." But after a dramatic pause, Bryden accepted Desiree's offer of a rose at the Rose Ceremony.

Juice Crew founder Mikey T. received the final Rose, which quite simply just reflects poorly upon Desiree's character for keeping him around this long.

That left Zack  K. as the only guy without a Rose and saying, "I'm shocked, I don't know why this happened."

Of course, so was the rest of America...But only because nobody knew who the fuck he was.