This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with 20 plus white dudes with slicked back dark hair wearing ridiculously tight American Apparel t-shirts and pastel colored shorts.
Of course, they were all talking about how everyone else was a douche bag, not realizing that they were all essentially one in the same.
Brooks, the greasy haired marketing consultant from Salt Lake City who may or may not really be Ben or Constantine, received the coveted first 1-on-1 Date.
Their date consisted of Des disclosing her not-so secret desire to get married, although she cleverly disguised it as a passion for "designing wedding dresses" so as to not alert Brooks that her biological clock is ticking.
Fortunately, Brooks is either gay or a virgin, so he didn't get freaked out by Desiree's red-flag wedding fetish.
|In fact, Brooks Forester even reciprocated by dressing up as a Leprechaun.|
Des then proceeded to take Brooks to the famous "Hollywood" sign to see exactly where Brenda lost her virginity to Dylan on Beverly Hills 90210 to get him in the mood.
When that didn't get Brooks in the mood, they then ventured into what seemed to be a shady neighborhood where Dez claimed to get lost, which caused Brooks to nearly shit himself.
As it turns out, The Bachelorette's producers were simply working their magic yet again, and somehow managed to block off an entire inner city bridge for a romantic dinner in the middle of the road.
Brooks went on to reveal that he has daddy issues stemming from his parents getting divorced, which helped him get a rose for being vulnerable and explain his haircut.
|It's pretty clear that Brooks Forester was the classic case of the guy who was band dork in high school who tried re-branding himself in college by simply growing his hair out.|
Their night concluded with some crappy singer who gave them a private concert. Brooks then decided to show off what an awful dancer he was, making me question whether or not he was ever really even gay at all.
Back at the mansion Chris complained, "I've yet to get a date card, and I'm really hoping to hear my name on that."
Of course, with the first 1-on-1 Date not even over yet Chris was hardly being slighted...At least not until Des actually did leave him off of the Group Date card.
The Group Date started with 14 dudes, a mansion and several luxury cars.
And after Soulja Boy and his posse of street wise dance choreographers sold out in order to try and expand their fan base to 50-year-old post menopausal women, a bunch of white dudes with overly bleached grills made their way in to that mansion make a rap video.
Their video was a parody about all of the guys who went on The Bachelorette for all of the wrong reasons, in a catchy song they aptly called "Right Reasons."
The personalities that they made fun of included meat heads, country music singers, dudes with girlfriends, and some guy who didn't wear any pants...Who as it turns out, was the only one that I was able to relate to.
That lead to one of the worst hip-hop recordings in the history of the world...And I only say "one of the worst" because some idiot went and signed Pitbull to an extension of his record deal.
After Ben stole Des for some extra alone time, Mikey began to turn on him.
And while Mikey initiated an awkward conversation with Ben to try and call him out, it ended even more awkwardly with Ben telling Mikey, "I like your shoes too man."
|Michael TenerelliWith none of his suits fitting him, Mikey T. needed a compliment on the way he was dressed...Either that, or he needed Des to keep the tailor/magician around for at least a second episode.|
That left Mikey nodding and smiling with his arm around Ben, not realizing that he just had his successfully had his ego stroked by Ben to avoid the confrontation.
Sure enough, Ben got Group Date Rose to go along with First Impression Rose, which left Mikey T. pissed and Ben joking, "I might have to sleep with one eye open tonight."
The second 1-on-1 date went to Bryden, which was a "Road trip" up the California coast.
Des indicated that she took Bryden on that date because makes her laugh like little kid, and she wasn't just talking about his really bad haircut from Cookie Cutters.
Bryden revealed to Des that he had been involved in a really bad accident...Which he just happened to bring pictures of along with him on their trip to the spa!
That caused Desiree to give a Rose to Bryden for opening up.
Des then took Bryden into the hot tub where he romantically recapped their date by saying things like, "This is so much fun..Its been nice."
Luckily for Bryden, Des is a whore, as she finally got sick of his rambling and interjected, "Just kiss me already!"
Michael G. finally got some time alone with Des to tell her that he's Type I diabetic, which is basically a medical reason to have to take steroids...and the only thing that makes Mikey T. more jealous than Ben.
Des countered by confessing that she was not exactly perfect or 100% natural herself.
|Don't worry guys, Desiree Hartsock's hair extensions might be fake, but her boobs appear to be real...Cleavage mole and all!|
And just as Michael G. thought he was making progress with Des, he was rudely interrupted by (Guess who) Ben! "That's interesting, the guy with the rose over here is stealing you away."
Apparently Ben felt the need to cut in because he had a major secret with Des...That she's a great kisser (Tee-Hee!).
That caused the steroid guys, a/k/a "The Juice Crew," to confront Ben for "swooping in" even after he had already been given a Rose.
Michael G., the Prosecutor from Miami, proved that he did poorly on his LSAT by completely overreacting.
"He thinks he's so mature, but the example he's setting for his son is, a), when you mistake you should lie about it."
Brian from Baltimore, the "Juice Crew" member with bad lips, a lisp, and a left eye that always stays shut because it's smooshed between his forehead and nose, made a proactive effort to tell Des that he really had broken up with his girlfriend two months earlier.
|Brian Jarosinski from The Bachelorette really, really wanted to make sure that Desiree Hartsock knew that he had broken up with his girlfriend...Hmmm.|
The Final Rose of the evening went to Brandon, because he's the only guy in America to ever overcome growing up without a dad.
Those going home included Will, the banker from Chicago, partly because he kept calling Des Athena, but mostly because he's black.
Also going home were Robert, the professional sign spinner from every furniture store that's going out of business, and Nick M., the only balding white dude from Charlotte, NC who hasn't fucked Emily Maynard.