Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Big Brother 15 Blog - Meet The Cast

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Finally, a new season of Big Brother is upon us, which is the official sign that either Rachel Reilly or one of Russell Hantz' relatives stop drawing unemployment and starts listing their occupation as "best reality show villain ever."

This season's twists for Big Brother include putting three house guests up for eviction each week instead of two, which will only make it easier for dominant alliances since they can take an extra vote away from the minority side simply through the nominations.

The show will also allow America to vote for a "Big Brother MVP" each week, who will then receive some sort of secret power. I'm just hoping that "Retard Super Strength" is one of the options.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website, as well as anything I can find on them from their social media pages.

Nick Uhas: Originally from Columbus, OH, Nick now lives in New York City where he claims to be an entrepreneur.

Pros: This kid is like ADD on crack...He'll have no problem talking to people.

Cons: Despite what he says in his profile, Nick appears to be an Ivy League Graduate (Yale). He's also a burgeoning actor, having appeared in many popular shows and movies. Nick's either downplaying his career, or he's a habitual bullshitter. Either way, he's on the show just looking for his 5 minutes of fame.

Actor Nick Uhas: I vote to give him Big Brother Super Power in the form of an American Apparel t-shirt and some underpants so we don't have to see his pubes.

Spencer Clawson: A train conductor from Arkansas.

Pros: I'm not sure if he's gay or not, but Spencer sure looks like a "Hair Bear." He even lists James from Season 6 as his Idol, so any gay contestants should take an immediate liking to him.

Cons: Spencer claims to be a polarizing personality, and given that he's from Arkansas I can't see him having the social skills to do well in a house full of young Type A personalities.

Spencer Clawson: The "Hair Bear."

Jessie Kowalski: An unemployed single dog mom from Beaumont, TX.

Pros: Jessie's a pretty face, but she's probably more ideally suited to appear as a contestant on the The Bachelor.

Cons: Since Jessie lists her iPhone5 and her dog as the things she'll miss the most about being in the house, she may not be emotionally prepared to play the game.

Jessie Kowalski: If you look closely, her finger and toenail polishes don't match, which suggests a major character least coming from someone who has to have his underwear match his outfits.

Kaitlin Barnaby: A bartender from Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Pros: Kaitlin seems pretty hot, and while she lists herself as "single," her Facebook pictures suggest otherwise. That should lead to some uncomfortable moments for her (former) boyfriend back home when she eventually hooks up with Nick or Jeremy. (Editor's note, the remaining house guests revealed that Jeremy confirmed that he indeed ended up having sex with Kaitlin while they were in the Big Brother house).

Cons: Kaitlin appears to have some serious "daddy issues," as she considers overcoming her family problems to become what she is today (a bartender) to be a one of her biggest triumphs in life, throwing Spencer and McCrae into the list of guys she might hook with.

Kaitlin Barnaby's boyfriend appears to have out kicked his coverage, so I'm guessing that she'll have no problem ditching him for the first pretty boy on the show who tries to use her for her vote...I mean sex.

Jeremy McGuire: A 23 year-old boat shop associate from Katy, Texas.

Pros: Being that he's from Katy, Texas, I was afraid that Jeremy might in some way be related to Russell Hantz, but he doesn't appear to be a dwarf.

Cons: Claiming that he's never watched Big Brother (but his mom has), I have to wonder what Jeremy's motives for coming on the show are.

Helen Kim: Helen is a 37-year-old political consultant from Chicago.

Pros: Helen lists her least favorite player in Big Brother history as Rachel Reilly, whose sister is a contestant this season...So that should make things interesting.

Cons: Helen seems to come from a very close nit and conservative family...Plus, being that she's Asian, she apparently didn't make the cut to be on Survivor.

Helen Kim:

Elissa Slater: A nutritionist, mom and Jesus freak from North Carolina (go figure).

Pros: A legacy contestant selection...She's Rachel Reilly's sister.

Cons: She's Rachel Reilly's sister.

Elissa Slater: Fortunately, Elissa appeared on Big Brother one year too late, or there would have been an outside possibility that Rachel Reilly's sister could have hooked up with Russell Hantz's brother...And there's not enough genital wart cream or restraining orders in the world that could have prepared us for that unholy union of reality trash.

Amanda Zuckerman: A real estate agent in Florida, but originally from Long Island.

Pros: Unlike the other girls, she's never competed in a beauty pageant, appeared in Maxim, or hawked herself for anything other than her real estate business.

Cons: I'll give her three months before she's appearing topless in Maxim.

Amanda Zuckerman: Okay, so she's never held the title of Miss Teen New York...But you should never say never!

Candice Stewart: A speech therapist from New Orleans.

Pros: While she claims to be a speech therapist, a quick Google search shows that she has also been a cheerleader for the Houston Texans and New Orleans Saints.

Cons: She didn't last very long when she was Robyn on The Bachelor.

Candice Stewart: Joining Maxim models, cheerleaders for professional sports teams appear to be the new target for reality show casting agents.

McCrae Olson: A 24-year-old pizza delivery boy from Minnesota.

Pros: This whole "Big Brother Superpower" twist might be right up McCrae's ally.

Then again, McCrae Olson isn't exactly the Man of Steel.

Cons: Unless he's on the show to sneak weed to the other other contestants, I'm thinking that McCrae might be a little bit outmatched intellectually by the other contestants...Even the Maxim models and cheerleaders.

According to his Facebook page, McCrae Olson was ecstatic to meet fellow Minnesota native, Playboy Playmate and Big Brother contestant, Janelle Pierzina...I can only imagine how bad he'll freak out when he's in the Big Brother house and actually gets to live with a house full of women who've posed naked before.

Judd Daughtery: A property appraiser from Etowah, Tennessee.

Pros: His claim to fame is that he's overcome dealing with anxiety.

Cons: He seems pretty rednecky. There's also a chance he will be cut off from his medication while in the house while in front of a national audience, which would at least be fun to watch.

Judd Daughtery

Howard Overby: A youth counselor from Mississippi.

Pros: Howard loves church, fishing, shooting guns and helping kids.

Cons: Based on his "likes," he sounds a lot like a redneck.

Along with Elissa Slater, Howard Overby appears to be this year's resident Big Brother Jesus freak.

GinaMarie Zimmerman: A 32-year-old pageant coordinator from Staten Island.

Pros: GinaMarie is also a Maxim model and former Bud Light Fantasy Girl, so I guess some people must find her pretty.

Cons: Her favorite inspirational quote is a line from The Fast and the Furious...And given that GinaMarie looks to Vin Diesel movies for inspiration, she's officially stupid.

GinaMarie Zimmerman's ass also doubles as the "good side" of her face.

David Girton: A lifeguard from San Diego.

Pros: He's your cliche laid back butt-hole surfer dude, so he should be easy to get along with.

Cons: David lists homophobic former contestant Jeff  Schroeder as his favorite contestant, and he rates Jeff's retarded girlfriend Jordan as a "10" on a scale of 10, so I'm thinking that he might have been trapped under water too long at some point in his life.

David Girton

Andy Herren: A professor from Chicago, Illinois

Pros: He's proud to be a red-head, which goes a long way with the editor of this site.

Cons: Andy may be a little too aggressive and full of himself...No red-head voluntarily calls himself "adorable," we have too many scars from high school.

Andy Herren: That is one lucky gerbil!

Aaryn Gries: A 22-year-old college student, currently living in Texas.

Pros: She's the former "Miss Teen Colorado International," for whatever that's worth. Aaryn also claims that she's going to put her training in psychology to good use on the show, hoping to become the first person in history to ever put their undergrad psychology major to any sort of use whatsoever.

Cons: Her strategy for winning is, "I think I will go into the game with the same mentality I go into life, only focusing on myself," which goes hand in hand with her shitty pageant girl persona.

Aaryn Gries: Aaryn somehow parlayed her title of Miss Teen Colorado International into a deal with Maxim, although she lost out on the title of Maxim Hottie of the Year to Maine's Blueberry Queen...But it was really, really close.

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