Thursday, May 23, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "Where was I? Oh yeah. We're not going home."

The episode began with Dawn sobbing and missing several teeth after Brandon Hantz realized that she was a woman and returned to the show to complete his circle of domestic violence and punched her in the face.

In actuality, Dawn simply opened her horse fish mouth and lost her dentures while diving in the ocean.

Dawn Meehan and her dentures.

Fortunately, Dawn's fake teeth had been bleached so white that Brenda was able to quickly locate them by diving into the water near where she said she had lost them, which is amazing considering that my ex-wife lost a pair of Oakleys at a small lake in shallow water.

In response to Brenda's pearl finding dive Dawn declared, "I will not turn my back on her." Of course, running short on denture cream may or may not be the best reason to form an alliance.

Then again, Dawn is the same person who sold out Cochran and Malcolm when they tried to make game changing moves just so she could solidify her position as the last person in an alliance of many.

Polygamygrip: For Mormons with dentures, like Dawn Meehan.

The Reward Challenge involved two randomly drawn teams digging for bags full of puzzle pieces in a mud pit, and then shooting balls into a basket the fastest.

The team consisting of the guys, Cochran and Dawn ended up winning and a reward consisting of a feast of BBQ chicken and beef...And when I say BBQ, I mean the verb, not the noun.

That caused the calorically challenged Cochran to quip, "Apparently protein is important in one's diet."

Always one to be socially unaware, Phillip ignored the shower they were provided and immediately jumped in the pool naked, which caused a "Pigpen" like cloud to surround him in the water.

Even after winning a feast, Dawn continued to lose her shit, making Phillip and his alliance consider voting her back to Utah.

Or as Cochran said, "We had one who flew over the coo coos's nest this season, Brandon Hantz, he's gone...It seems like, you know, there's another hummingbird zipping over the coo coos nest, and her name's Dawn."

Fortunately for Dawn, she got a good night's sleep and pulled her act together just in time, and the "Stealth r' Us" alliance decided to split their votes between Malcolm and Reynold to play it safe in case either one of them had an Immunity Idol.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of racing across a platform, and then diving and swimming back under that platform to retrieve two rings the fastest.

Feeling safe, Phillip elected to sit the Immunity Challenge out. When questioned by Jeff Probst Phillip tried to make it seem as if he wasn't just being cocky.

"As a boy I had an incident in the water, and I just feel really uncomfortable with this challenge," which was just his way of saying that he was black.

While Eddie seemed to win his heat, he whiffed when it came to putting his ring on the post before prematurely ejaculating into the water, which gave Brenda a spot in the finals along with Malcolm, Reynold and Andrea.

After Reynold won he declared, "I have mad respect for all of you."

However, he went on to call Phillip out for his decision to abstain from the Immunity Challenge.

"I have no respect for Phillip. I think it's sacrilegious to not even participate in an Immunity Challenge, especially if you have lions and guerrillas tattooed all over your body."

Of course, Phillip didn't think it mattered since his alliance had a 7-3 advantage on paper and Malcolm didn't have an Immunity Idol.

In reality, not only did Malcolm have an Immunity Idol, but he also found the newest one put back into play after he conned Reynold into giving him his at last week's Tribal Council.

Erik shows his affection by grooming his prospective mate...The Hantz clan shows their affection through domestic violence and flinging their feces into the bean pot.

Phillip, Dawn and company arrived at Tribal Council confident that they were in control of the game, not realizing that Malcolm, Reynold and Eddie held not one, not two, but three Idols amongst themselves.

And that's when Malcolm decided to shit in Phillip's Easter basket...

"This is supposed to be a game, so we figured we'd do something about it, and tonight we're going to try to. So this is the other Immunity Idol I've been hanging onto, I'm going to give it to Eddie. I've had that one for a while, I just found the other one today."

Having been fucked over last week due to a play of the Idol, Michael's face at Tribal Council was absolutely priceless when Malcolm unveiled his plan.

With the realization that Reynold, Malcolm and Eddie each would have Immunity Idols to play and no time to discuss which of their own to vote out, Jeff Probst commented on how everyone looked like they were beginning to turn on each other.

That caused Eddie to quip, "Except for the 3 amigos," while Malcolm to cockily interjected, "Where was I? Oh yeah. We're not going home."

Malcolm went on to lobby against Phillip when it came to the "Stealth r' Us" vote.

"Phillip is the fun sponge, he sucks it all out of the group...This is all a game. It does not have to be this militaristic thing where we're all in basic training."

Even with his own alliance in jeopardy, afficianado de SURVIVOR Cochran seemed absolutely giddy about what was happening at Tribal Council.

"Whatever happens tonight, this is why I freakin' love SURVIVOR, and have for ten years."

Holding true to their threats, Eddie and Malcolm both played their Immunity Idols, leaving no room for "Stealth r' Us" to even call their bluff.

And when the votes against Malcolm and Eddie's votes were negated due to the Idols that they played, even Phillip's own alliance seemed amused.

That left Phillip blindsided in his attempt to play the role of "Boston Rob," or as his name was sarcastically written on one of the ballots, "Fillup!"

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