Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I do like tall, skinny and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny and condescending"

Now that we're two episodes into Emily's season, we have a better idea of the type of men she's looking to keep around...Race car drivers, bad boys capable of generating ratings for ABC, and guys with enough money to afford the installment payments on her fake teeth.

First up this week was Chris, who Emily selected for a 1-on-1 date. Their task was to repel up (do you repel up, or just down?) to the top of a building where they would have a romantic rooftop dinner.

Emily was clearly scared of the climb, which Chris capitalized on by taking their relationship straight to the friendship zone.

"When you accomplish something together, and you obviously have an attraction...You want to give her a kiss, but I thought we'd finish it off with a high-five instead...and I'm standing there like an idiot."

Emily also had reservations about Chris' age. "Hearing that Chris is 25 was a little bit scary for me. I feel like that is maybe a red-flag...I've always dated older guys, and never anyone younger than me."

Apparently a starving cat and a refrigerator stocked with nothing but Bud Light, Sun Drop sodas, Lunchables and frozen pizzas doesn't constitute a red-flag if you're older than Emily...and a rich and famous NASCAR driver.

Chris finally got up the nerve to ask Emily for a kiss as country music singer Luke Bryan serenaded them with a romantic song about all-terrain vehicles.

That song must have done the trick, as she accepted Chris' advances and ended up giving him a rose for their 1-on-1 date.

The Group Date was announced via a card that vaguely said, "Let's play." In actuality, it was an opportunity three of Emily's closest friends (plus some random Indian lady) to grill the guys with face to face questions.

As Emily lead the men back to where her friends sat in the park, one of the contestants could be heard excitedly asking, "Are we getting manicures?" While we couldn't tell exactly who said it, my bet is that it was Ryan, who just may be operating on the "down low."

Emily must have put a few 6-packs of Bush Light in their picnic basket to loosen everyone up, as some of the guys were a little too honest with their answers.

When Wolf was asked what made him come on the show, his response may have outed him as this year's contestant who's in a relationship. "To be honest, my girlfriend said 'you should go on.'"

He then clarified by saying that it wasn't a "girlfriend," but rather "friends that are girls," but I'm not so sure that Wolf isn't just wearing sheep's clothing when it comes to his true intentions for being on the show.

When Emily asked Ryan if it would be okay to gain weight after getting pregnant, she did not get the response that a girl wants to hear. "No, it's not...I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much."

As Emily's friend Wendy lusted after Sean, he was heard saying on camera, "I'm not going to be taking my shirt off today, not going to happen." 

Of course, just a few seconds later Sean was peeling off his shirt and was doing push-up with Emily's friend reverse dry-humping his back.

Based in part on the recommendation of her horny friends who aren't quite pretty enough to whore themselves out for NASCAR drivers, Emily gave Sean the Group Date Rose.

Alessandro was the biggest loser of the question and answer session. When asked about his longest relationship, the Brazilian said, "I had this long relationship with this girl, she's my cousin....She got married last fall, but I still thought about her."

He went on to say, "I'm kind of a Gypsy. I'm single, I have no compromise, I can't even have a pet," before Emily's friends gasped, "She has a kid!"

Emily went on to question Alessandro about his willingness to marry a girl who has a child from a prior relationship at the cocktail party following the Group Date. Unfortunately, things didn't go much better for him than they did on the date itself.

When Alessandro told her that he was willing to make that "compromise," Emily scolded him by saying, "Me having a daughter isn't a compromise, and anybody that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is going to see that as the biggest bonus ever."

And just as I commented out loud about how the language barrier was obviously killing Alessandro, he jammed his foot further into his mouth by saying, "No, I don't see it that way...I can't even say it's the language barrier, I know how to communicate."

And just like that, Emily escorted Alessandro out of the mansion and sent him back home to Brazil, where he can roam free-range while looking for not-so distant family members to seduce.

Tony began to question whether he was doing the right thing by leaving his son at home to be on the show.

Doug, the single dad that Emily actually likes tried to comfort him by saying, "He's five dude. You know what? Five-year-olds, they have attention spans like a humming bird."

Of course, Doug may not exactly be father of the year material. When I told my then 4-year-old son how I had once tried out to be on The Amazing Race, he thought about it for moment before saying, "Daddy, I don't want you to go on The Amazing Race...I need you to stay here and make sure I don't do bad things."

Unable to come to the conclusion on his own that you don't do things like leave your children to chase high-end white trash tail on reality TV shows, Emily helped Tony out by effectively telling him that he had little chance of winning, and she sent him home sooner rather than later.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Arie, the IndyCar racer from Scottsdale, AZ. Emily elected to fly him to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, TN...Because apparently all of Panama City Beach was booked for the weekend.

As they toured the amusement park, Emily became ecstatic when Dolly Parton surprised them with an impromptu concert.

Dolly's conversation with Emily Maynard might have marked the first time that Dolly Parton was in a room with someone who had undergone just as much plastic surgery than she had.

Emily was clearly impressed to meet her idol, and she let us know why she looks up to her. "She's just such a cool lady. Like, (she) speaks her mind and wears costumes everyday," which interestingly enough is also the new recruiting slogan for the National Organization for Women.

Emily and Arie let Dolly slip away after playing two songs, neither of which was Jolene or 9 to 5, which was a crime against humanity, or at least a crime against those of us who appreciated her work before Kenny Rogers and that damn beard of his began fucking with her mind.

When Arie asked Emily if she was okay with him being on the IndyCar circuit, he was practically asking her whether she was into shoes and cosmetic surgery.

Needless to say, Emily pretty much had a rose saved for Arie Luyendyk, Jr from the moment she heard him say "race car driver."

Back at the mansion, Emily either surprised everybody or nobody when she said, "I'm looking forward to seeing Kalon tonight, I can tell he's such a genuine guy."

Of course, that's the same Kalon who's a "luxury brand consultant," made his initial entrance to the mansion via a helicopter, described himself as an ex-womanizer, and fashions himself as a Houston area socialite...None of which scream of being the slightest bit materialistic.

Obviously there's an element of keeping polarizing people around for ratings in shows like The Bachelorette, but it's amazing how women can be so bad at picking out douche bags.

For some reason, guys with confidence and bravado must mess with a girl's estrogen levels, because any regular guy can pick up on the fact that dudes like Kalon and Ryan are completely fake after listening to them talk for all of about 30 seconds.

Meanwhile, I see Facebook posts from girls I know saying things like, "I've chosen who I want to take the final rose...Ryan!!! Love him."

Kalon might as well have stuck a stick with a red flag in his ass and started waiving it when he rudely cut Emily off as they talked about his obvious uneasiness about being a father to someone else's child. "Well, I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish."

Emily actually seemed willing to send him home when she said, "I do like tall, skinny and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny and condescending," but she ended up giving him a rose anyway...Because apparently she needs just a little more time to determine whether or not Kalon's a pompous little asshole.

With Alessandro and Tony already having been sent home, only one person was eliminated at the Rose Ceremony, with the final rose coming down to Stevie and Nate.

Stevie was ultimately sent back home to unleash bitchin' dance moves on the Jersey Shore that nobody has been able to replicate since the release of Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo back in 1984.

While Stevie did not find love with Emily, I think we just might have found the new Bachelor!

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