Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog: "I think that being engaged is something really special, and something that should be saved for the person you're going to marry"

This season's Bachelorette is Emily Maynard, who was engaged to the son of a NASCAR team owner at the age of 18.

Being the true groupie that she was, Emily apparently removed her catalytic converter and allowed her fiance to pass along the NASCAR gene to a new generation of rednecks just before he died in a tragic plane crash.

Emily and her former fiance, Ricky-Bobby.

Emily went on to win Brad's season on the Bachelor, but she broke things off with him after she found out that he apparently had sex with Chantal O. in the Fantasy Suite even though Brad told her that he knew she was the one he was going to choose, turning Chantal O. into the stripper at his de facto bachelor party.

After reportedly dating several celebrities, including Carlina Panthers tight end and all-time douchebag Jeremy Shockey, Emily decided to pimp her little piglet daughter out for the whole world to see Toddlers and Tiaras style, which is the reason why this season of the Bachelorette is being shot in their current home city of Charlotte instead of Los Angeles.

Even though Emily is reported to have had this year's group of contestants vigorously screened to weed out the guys who were not really serious about dating her, this season still seems to have the standard mix of narcissistic guys who are only on the show to advance their music careers, modelling portfolios and lumber empires.

While she's been engaged twice now, Emily seems to be taking it serious this time. "I think that being engaged is something really special, and something that should be saved for the person you're going to marry."

Emily's outlook on engagement is refreshing, mainly because too many people are having engagements these days with people they have no intention of marrying...Like all of those damn gays in North Carolina where Emily resides.

The good news is that the show brings out the worst qualities that man as a gender has to offer: Guys who play the acoustic guitar, dudes who would willingly trade I.Q. points for abdominal muscles, and white guys from New Jersey who think that having an iTunes account on their laptop qualifies them to be a hip hop DJ.

Sean realizes that for every action, there's an opposite reaction...I'll let you figure do the math on that one. 

All of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt at blogging this season of the Bachelorette.

First Impressions (not an exclusive list, but here are the contestants who stood out):

Arie - Arie is a professional IndyCar driver from Scottsdale, AZ who has raced in the Indianapolis 500. He was worried that Emily might have an issue dating another racecar driver following her fiance's death.

A little more than a year after her fiance's death, Emily moved on to date The King of all Rednecks," Dale Earnhardt, Jr....Of course, she didn't date him just because he was another rich NASCAR driver. Rather, her fiance had known "Little E," and according to Emily, "he would have approved" of their relationship. 

So in summary, Arie's concern that Emily may not be ready to date another racecar driver after her fiance's death probably isn't as big of an issue as he might have initially thought.

Jef - Jef is a skate punk/entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, and like all skate punks, he felt compelled to change the conventional spelling of his name, because it's like, more Anarchistic and stuff.

Jef claims to be a philanthropist because because his bottled water company donates a portion of their sales to drilling wells in underdeveloped nations.

Of course, that's really just the "Tom's Shoes scam," where the company charges you double what you would ordinarily pay for a crappy pair of shoes under the guise that they will donate a second pair to a child living in poverty in a third world nation, essentially baiting you into buying two pairs of crappy shoes from them that you never would have bought in the first place had the criteria you were looking for been just good old comfort and style.

Doug - One of at least three fathers to make the show, Doug won "the single dad lottery" by capitalizing on that fact with Emily first by having forced his son to write her a letter saying what an awesome dad he was.

Of course Emily totally bought into that letter even though it was about as impartial as one of the positive reviews that owners write about their own crappy restaurants on Yelp or Urbanspoon. But it did earn him the First Impression Rose, so I digress.

Stevie - Stevie is a white wanna be D.J. from New Jersey. Let's just say that when your best case scenario career goal is to become one of the wing-men on "The Pauly D Project," it might be time to consider going back to school and getting your GED.

Chris - Every year a handful of contestants feel compelled to bring the Bachelor/Bachelorette crazy gifts to stand out from the pack and be memorable. Chris was this year's winner, having brought Emily custom made bobblehead dolls of the two of them.

There's no telling how many times he stayed up at night before he went on the show pretending to be in the Fantasy Suite while having Emily's bobblehead go down on his doll, or worse yet, on his actual crotch.

Alessandro - Alessandro, from Brazil, whispered something romantic to Emily in his native tongue. Being the courteous Southern Belle she's being made out to be by ABC, Emily responded by saying "gracias," which would have been sweet of her had people in Brazil spoke Spanish instead of Portuguese.

And remember, Emily's not a "Southern Belle." She's originally from West Virginia, not the great state of "Carolina." That's the same state where I once asked the girl behind a deli counter for a quarter pound of cheese, only to have her look back at me with a puzzled look and ask if a quarter pound was "more or less than a half pound." I'm starting to think that the girl behind the counter that day might have been Emily.

Kalon - Clearly brought on the show to be this season's villain, Kalon is a self described ex-womanizer and business man. While all of the other contestants arrived at the Bachelorette mansion via limousine, Kalon arrived in the most luxurious way humanly possible, via the "Batch-copter," earning him the nickname "Helicopter Guy."

Not only was Kalon immediately resented by the other contestants for his not so really over the top entrance, he didn't help matters when he arrogantly entered the room and said, "I saw you (guys) from above, it looked like you were having a little party. Where's the bar?"

BTW, here's Kalon's email address and phone number that I pulled from his blog: kmcmahon@smu.edu (713) 302-6824.

Roses To:

Notable contestants who did not make it past the first Rose Ceremony included Brent, the single dad with six kids. "I didn't think I would find love again, and there's still a chance that I might not at my age with six kids...Not a high probability I would say."

Personally, I found it kind of cruel that the Bachelorette producers even casted Brent as a contestant to begin with.

You can't take a 41-year-old single dad with six kids and put him in front of a beautiful woman with an open bar without some sort of check to let him know it wasn't reality...That's why God made $2 bills, stab wounds and C-section scars. Even the token black guy was more likely to get a Rose than poor Brent was, and that's saying a lot considering the Bachelorette is a redneck NASCAR groupie from West Virginia.

* In a side note, Emily did not give a rose to the token black guy either.

Also sent packing was Jackson, a fitness model from Illinois, who let Emily know what she was missing as he exited the house. "I think she's missing out on a great body too...She didn't get to see any of the goods, I guess this is what she missed out on (as he pulled off his shirt to show his abs)."

Actually Jackson, it wasn't Emily's loss, it was all of America's loss...Dick

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