Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a dude, you're a [BLEEP]!"

With the first Rose Ceremony out of the way, Emily chose Ryan, a pro athlete trainer and former small time Arena Football player, to go on the season's first 1-on-1 date.

Ryan blessed us with wisdom like, "My pastor always said if you treat a woman like a queen, then she'll treat you like a king."

While Ryan comes across as a polite southern gentleman, something just doesn't quite seem genuine about him...Kind of like Mathew McConaughey.

Ryan was clearly disappointed when Emily informed him that instead of going on a glamorous date like a hot air balloon or airplane ride, they'd be going to her home to make snacks for her daughter's soccer practice.

Upon hearing Emily say that she happened to be the designated "snack mom"  for that evening's practice, I immediately called "bullshit," because there are no "snack moms" for soccer practices, only games.

The date proceeded on to dinner at Emily's favorite restaurant where the two were greeted by a paparazzi like crowd. As Emily said, "Charlotte is a small town, and when there's something going on, everyone knows about it."

Of course, Charlotte's greater metropolitan area has a population of 1.75 million, but who really pays attention to little details like that when ABC is trying to portray Emily as a small town single mom who didn't sleep with half of NASCAR.

Emily ultimately gave Ryan the 1-on-1 date rose, which made the after dinner concert that she had arranged by the band Gloriana slightly less awkward, that is, aside from the part where Ryan kept trying to lean in for a kiss while they were slow dancing that Emily clearly wasn't quite willing to dole out.

The Group Date was announced as a trip to the theatre, where the thirteen guys were surprised to be greeted by Kermit the Frog and Emily's daughter...I mean Miss Piggy.

The guys were right, Emily's daughter Ricki looks just like her.

Kermit quickly took charge of Emily's suitors like he was Chris Harrison, only Kermit was slightly less obvious about trying to hit on the female contestants.

Upon learning that he had been assigned to a group to perform stand-up comedy, Charlie asked to be moved to a group that didn't involve public speaking in light of his speech disability following his tragic backyard deck accident.

On the other hand, Stevie saw his assignment to perform a choreographed dance routine as a chance to add the street cred that he had been lacking on his resume to make him a headliner party MC.

"This is crazy right now, I can't believe that I'm actually dancing with the Muppets."

Okay, we might not be seeing Stevie spin iTunes at the Jersey Shore anytime soon, but he is available for Bar Mitzvahs and bachelorette parties, which just might be his new niche. 

Emily sought out Jef at the post Group Date cocktail party to question his feelings for her since he did not appear to seek her out during the performance with the Muppets.

After explaining his reservations about missing any signals that she was sending him in light of the other guys she was also flirting with, Emily gave Jef the Group Date Rose.

Kalon continued to rub the guys the wrong way, accusing Doug of taking time off as a dad to come on the show. That caused Doug to tell Kalon to "Check it," as he asked Kalon if he thought Emily was "putting being a mom on hold" by doing the show.

Stevie was also at odds with Kalon, flat out telling him, "That's why I don't like you." Of course Kalon smugly replied, "If I were you, I wouldn't like me either, bro."

Sean worried, "I get the impression that he uses his vocabulary as a way to of trying to show his dominance within the household."

While that does beat lifting his leg and peeing on the other guys, I still hate vocabulary bullies...It reminds me too much of the rough inner city grammar school that I attended in the suburbs.

Wolf may have had the best line about Kalon, saying, "I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a dude, you're a [BLEEP]."

Of course, guys usually have a way of figuring these things out right away, while girls tend to buy into cocky guys like Kalon who write stupid blogs.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Joe, the field energy adviser from L.A. Emily elected to fly him back to her home state of West Virginia, which unfortunately for Joe, made his date slightly less glamorous than staying in and making cookies for her daughter's soccer team.

In actuality, Emily took Joe to the famous Greenbrier Hotel, where she used to vacation with her family as a child.

In addition to growing up in West Virginia, Emily Maynard also spent time in the Florida Keys, where she graduated from Key West High School. Here she is in a  year book picture taken before she got the ridiculous glow in the dark veneers for her teeth.

While Joe was a nice enough guy, he proved to be too full of compliments and bored Emily to death, so much so that she declined to give him a rose at the end of their date.

That earned him a one way ticket out of West Virginia, which I'm pretty sure is the only way that Greyhound lets you book them, as there's not exactly a lot of interest in people booking trips into the "Wild and Wonderful" state.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, the contestants scrambled to get some last minute time with Emily. Ryan, who already had a rose from his 1-on-1 date, took up most of her time by writing her a 15 minute long letter.

Not only was Ryan's letter slightly worse than the one that Doug wrote to Emily on behalf of his son, but Tony was left standing and waiting for Emily's time as Ryan painfully made her read his letter back to him out loud.

Fortunately Tony had a good sense of humor, telling Emily, "I told him to do that."

By the Rose Ceremony we had a good idea of who had made an impression on Emily. Lets just say that when it comes to having a strategy on The Bachelorette, it's better for the guys to act like douche bags and get the girl's attention than it is to be a down to earth guy and get caught blending in.

Not surprisingly, Kalon and Stevie both received roses, while Aaron and Kyle were sent packing. Kyle probably confused the word "heart" with "ego" when he said, "When you get your heart broken, it's the worst feeling in the world."

Biology teacher Aaron couldn't quite figure out exactly where things went wrong, not realizing that he made a tactical error in not seeing that Emily was looking for money and not brains. 

Of course, Aaron probably didn't help himself when he blew-off the Group Date to hit the early bird special at Morrison's Cafeteria.

And on a final note, here's a must-see reality dating show parody from the NFL Network:

Bachelorette Emily Maynard teeth

1 comment:

  1. I am still laughing at your hilarious blog, which I found while Googling Emily Maynard's teeth. Geez, she was so cute with her "real" teeth! WTH -- she can't even close her mouth now. Look forward to your weekly recaps!