Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman, you know what I mean?"

Best keyword search from last week that landed on my site: "Is Emily's daughter from the Bachelorette handicapped?"

I don't know if I'm more excited that someone actually put in the effort to Google that thought, or that it actually lead them to my blog, but either way, consider me giddy.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison began this week's episode by announcing that the contestants would be leaving the Bachelorette Mansion for good, as they'd be embarking on a worldwide tour for the rest of the season.

First stop, Bermuda. Because apparently a lawsuit against the show for discrimination and a "trophy redneck" for a Bachelorette weren't enough, so they decided to throw some good ole' colonial racism into the mix just to complete the prejudicial triple crown. Sen. Robert Byrd would have been proud.

Upon arriving in Bermuda, Doug was selected for a 1-on-1 date. When Arie and the other guys began pushing his buttons about whether he was nervous about not getting a rose, he lost his shit.

"Seriously Arie, like, could you just let it go, bro? Just let it go, man!" And just as Doug stood up to confront Arie, Emily walked into the room.

However, when Doug described what happened to Emily, Doogie played it cool and bragged, "I had just scolded all the boys," referring to the uncomfortable tension that she arrived to.
On their date, Emily decided to send a postcard to Doug's son to return the favor for the letter that "he wrote" to her for their first meeting in the mansion. Of course she asked if his twelve-year-old son wanted to "play LEGO's sometime."

The only way Emily Maynard's request would be age appropriate for a 12-year-old is if the round LEGO pieces could be used to make an approximation of his potential step-mom's fake boobs.
Emily Maynard bikini legs

Emily did voice a concern that Doug was fake by telling him that he was "too good to be true" after Doug told Emily that his ex-girlfriend's biggest complaints probably would have been that he spent too much time with his son or that he didn't wash her car enough.

When Doug narcissistically replied, "That's really sweet of you," she set him straight by saying, "I'm not trying to be sweet."

Emily explained, "I can look back on my relationship and be like, 'Yeah, I probably know his biggest complaints about me,'" which likely included having been nailed in the exhaust pipe by the likes of both Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Jeremy Shockey.

As their date progressed, Doug's penis arm wrestled with the spirit of his dead grandpa and lost. "I'd really like to give Emily a kiss, but my grandfather always told me, 'you never kiss a girl until they let you know that they really want you to.'"

When Emily later told Chris Harrison that she was disappointed that Doug was yet to kiss her after two dates on the beach, we learned why it's not smart to take romantic advice from your Papaw in what has become a blowjob on demand generation.

The Group Date borrowed a page from the old John Cusack move One Crazy Summer, with a sailboat regatta determining who would earn the affection of Demi Moore...I mean Emily.

Charlie took his team's loss hard, who sobbed on the bus ride back to the Bachelorette Suite, "I'm so embarrassed."

Arie, Jef, Ryan and Kalon's team won, earning them extra time with Emily. Ryan capitalized on that extra time by raising a toast. "To a beautiful day of racing, and a beautiful trophy possible wife." Of course, Emily started laughing before catching on and exclaiming, "Hey!"

Arie took Emily out to the beach where he attempted to lick the Earnhardt off her face. When Emily asked Arie if he had fun he said, "I've never done that before," which was likely a lie considering that he's probably made out with hundreds of groupies as a famous IndyCar driver.

Jef, the entrepreneur/skateboarder from Utah took his time with Emily next, but left her waiting for a kiss.

"I was really hoping he was going to kiss me tonight on the the beach," which would have been the perfect opportunity for a romantic moment if only she still didn't have Arie's saliva frothing from her mouth.

Jef did end up getting the Group Date Rose, proving that Mitt Romney just might have a chance of carrying the state of West Virginia after all.

Apparently the Mormons have relaxed their policy on wearing pants...

Emily confronted Ryan about some of his "Ryanisms" such as, "Ya ain't cheatin', ya ain't trying," "I'll love you, but I won't love on ya," "You best get your butt to the gym," and "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman, you know what I mean?"

Ryan playfully defended himself by saying, "But it's kind of flirtatious too," because he apparently confused to meaning of the word "flirtatious" with the word "demeaning."

If they had an NFL for white people, Ryan Bowers might not have been half bad...Oh wait, that's exactly why they made the Arena Football League...Well that, and to trick poor kids from the south into thinking that their parents actually took them to real professional sporting events.

Jealous of Emily's relationship with Arie, Ryan continued to talk down to Emily.

"There's going to be tons of young ladies who are going to watch you and see how you respond to men, and how you treat them...and how you hold yourself to a high standard. We had to sit there and watch you and Arie kissin'."

Of course, instead of telling Ryan to fuck off and sending has ass back to rural 1950's Georgia, Emily actually ended up apologizing to him.

Next up was a "loser leaves town match," with Wolf and Nate competing for one rose on a 2-on-1 date.

Wolf let us all know that his biological clock is ticking when he said, "I'm at the time of my life, I'm 30-years-old, my friends are engaged, married. Two of my best friends now have kids...So I'm ready to find the woman I'm going to marry.

On the other hand, Nate began crying during dinner, giving Emily a taste of what it's like when Ryan is secretly dating two different women who have their "mensies" synced.

Needless to say, Emily chose the lesser of two evils and sent Nate home by saying that he was too young, which was just her way of saying that he was neither rich, an athlete, nor a NASCAR driver.

Back at the Bachelor Suite, Ryan let his true intentions for being on the show be known. "Isn't it great whenever you're able to like use a position like this?"

"We're all here to spend time with Emily, but (when) this whole thing is done, if it doesn't work out for me, I'll get involved with the media back home and gonna say, 'let's do The Bachelor Ryan, Bachelor Augusta," which conjures up images of girls with black eyes nervously asking Ryan if he'll  accept their beer.

However, Emily seemed to be on to Ryan." He's a little bit manipulative. He may think that he has me wrapped around his finger, but..." Of course, she still gave him a rose, which made me think about filing a preemptive DVO application on her behalf.

When Chris confronted Doug back at the suite as to why he thought he was the better man for Emily after calling him immature earlier in the day, Doug responded by saying, "I never said I was."

When Chris persisted, Doug shot back, "Chris, I think you're kind of being immature right now...You're kind of coming at me right now, and I don't know why."

After being the one who began the confrontation with Doug for no apparent reason, Chris decided to let him know that he isn't going to stand for that happening ever again.

"I just want to let you know man...I'm never, ever going to stand down to you," To which Doug dismissed him by saying, "You don't get my competitive juices flowing at all."

Chris went on to explain why he hates Doug. "I just don't believe you...You in general. The way you are. The way you act...You're over the top humble, over the top...That's kind of something that pisses me off."

So there you have it. Emily was right, Doug is just too good to be true.

The Final Rose ended up going to Alejandro, sending Charlie and some guy with long hair back home.

Seriously, who the fuck was this guy?

Next week we find out who infuriated Emily by calling her "handicapped" little daughter "baggage." Judging by the voice in the teaser, I'm guessing that it was Wolf.


  1. Just watched it OnDemand. Glad I'm not the only one who had no idea who Ponytail Guy was. I still can't keep their names straight anyway, plus a couple of them look so much alike -- like that dude who got sent home and the guy she wanted to make out with. The only one whose name I remember is Arie, because it's such a weird name. Speaking of Arie, I would have NEVER picked him as an Indy car driver, I thought he looked kind of effeminate. And which one is Wolf? Oh well, I guess I'll find out eventually. Great blog, as always! :-)

  2. Also, I notice they never seem to show the handicapped kid's face, at least when she's smiling. She seems to have inherited her mother's horrendous overbite. They did show a quick shot of her looking at the camera as her mother was leaving her with some nanny....she does look strange.