Monday, January 30, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "Blakeley is like a champion...Who knew that strippers could play baseball"

This week the girls arrived in Puerto Rico, where Nicki received the first 1-on-1 date. As Ben and Nicki visited a local village, a torrential rain came down and ruined their plans. However, they made the most of the moisture by shopping for dry local clothing, and Ben left dressed in white linen and Nicki in a table cloth.

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the crazy women...

Nicki didn't have the chemistry that the other girls had with Ben, but she didn't seem like she was as bat shit crazy least until the two of them stumbled across a local wedding at what appeared to be a historic church.

While Nicki held it together long enough to get a rose, you can just tell that the combination of a 1-on-1 date rose and seeing a romantic wedding with Ben is going to be the point where we all look back and say, "that's where Nicki went all in on Ben and lost her God damn mind."

The Group Date consisted of dividing the girls into two teams for a baseball game, with the winning team getting to stay with Ben for a beach party that evening. Blakeley's team seemed like the early favorite to win, as she revealed that she had played growing up and in "college." This caused Courtney to take notice by saying, "Blakeley is like a champion out there. Who knew that strippers could play baseball."

I guess it never occurred to me that Blakeley, the V.I.P. cocktail waitress, actually went to college. In fact, her bio lists that she was an "esthetician." Clearly, I wouldn't have made fun of her intelligence had I known that she used to be a doctor.

In the end, Blakeley's team lost to Courtney's, which caused her to snap at her teammates. "I wanted this so bad. I busted my ass out there because I thought you guys would do the same." When Blakeley and some of the other girls couldn't control their tears, Courtney more than gladly reminded the camera that, "There's no crying in baseball."

Apparently Blakeley likes cars too, because she busted her ass so hard for this '77 Chevy Nova that her pants fell off.

As she has done on a few prior occasions, Courtney displayed some insecurity towards Kacie B's relationship with Ben. In fact, you can tell which girls in the house that Courtney is afraid of just by how catty she acts towards them.

Needless to say, when Ben gave Kacie B. the Group Date rose just moments after Courtney actually admitted that she was worried about her, you knew that Courtney was going to step-up her game big time. She did so by taking Ben down to the beach while letting her boob hang out and suggesting that they go skinny-dipping, even though Ben was too nervous to take her up on the offer.

Elyse was the recipient of the second 1-on-1 date, and she departed with Ben on a yacht. However, their date took a turn for the worse when she proclaimed that she had pretty much accomplished everything in life that she had hoped, noting that she had already completed college, obtained a Masters Degree, and found a job that she loved...By the way, did I mention that Elyse is a personal trainer?

Elyse also explained how she was in a prior serious relationship that had unexpectedly ended, and saying how much she really wanted to be engaged again. Apparently noticing that Elyse never once mentioned that she was interested in being in a serious relationship with him, as opposed to just being in a serious relationship with anyone, Ben's man alarm went off and he sent her home in a dinghy without a rose.

As Ben returned home from his date with Elyse, Courtney was waiting for him in nothing but her bathrobe and a bottle of wine, hoping he'd take her up on her earlier offer to go skinny-dipping. "I don't know if Ben's ever skinny dipped with a model before," she rhetorically asked.

Note to Ben, when you have to say things like, "I'm thinking to myself that this probably isn't a good idea," it probably isn't a good idea. Not unless you really like the idea of watching yourself swim naked with a skanky catalogue model while you're with the girl that you ultimately wind up choosing.

Courtney was clearly feeling the mood when she removed her clothes said, "I feel so lucky that we are on the beach alone...nobody else around." Of course by "nobody," she obviously meant the numerous camera men and producers who all saw her naked at the same time Ben did for the first time...Ahh, the romance.

Before skinny-dipping with Courtney, Ben decided to proclaim all of Puerto Rico his by peeing on the beach.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Blakeley pulled Ben aside and informed him that she never thought that somebody like him would be interested in a girl like her, mainly because she never felt like she deserved it. Apparently, that's the kind of self worth you get when your primary talent involves writing your name on napkins slow enough that a table of Japanese guys wearing cowboy boots can get a good look down your shirt before they order a "Flappertizer."

Emily tried to atone for her mistake of spending her time with Ben last week complaining about Courtney, by complaining about Courtney...again. This caused Ben to warn her, "I encourage you to drop it and tread lightly."

Emily surprisingly managed to get the final rose over Jennifer, who Ben had previously declared the "best kisser in the house." When Ben informed her of his decision Jennifer was able to keep herself together and calmly say, "I completely understand." Of course, whenever a girl on The Bachelor says "I completely understand," it really means "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I WAS SURE THAT WE WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED!"

Jennifer's initial calmness turned into sniffles, which lead to smeared makeup, and then transformed into full blown tears. Crying lead to hyperventilating, which gave way to a full fledged panic attack. The last we saw Jennifer a giant vein pulsating had developed on her forehead as she compulsively picked at her face sobbing, "What did I do wrong?"

Jennifer is the perfect example of how an eliminated Bachelor contestant can go from relatively pretty to a near death train wreck in just a matter of seconds...kind of like Brittney Spears' life, but on speed.

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