Saturday, January 7, 2012

NFL Picks - Wildcard Weekend: Because Tim Tebow has never had sex with a girl, while Ben Roethlisberger has sex with women even when they don't want to have sex with him.

Week 17 NFL Results: 8-8
NFL Results Season to Date: 119-122-11

College Football Bowl Results: 3-3
College Football Results Season to Date: 32-30-2

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):
Bengals vs. Texans (Bengals, road, +3) Both teams start rookie quarterbacks, one a heralded rookie who was handed his teams starting job from day one, and the other a third-stringer who was forced into action due to injuries. While Houston clearly would like to ride their running game in the playoffs as much as possible to take the pressure off of T.J. Yates, the Bengals defense is not an ideal match-up for them to do so. Look for Andy Dalton and the Bengals to do slightly more through the air to not only cover, but to steal a win on the road.
Lions vs. Saints (Lions, road, +11) For some reason, the spread in this game is 11 points, the same margin by which New Orleans beat Detroit on December 4th. I look for the Lions to perform better than they did in their 31-17 loss for several reasons:

- In the initial game, the Lions followed up an undisciplined game against Green Bay on Thanksgiving with 11 penalties for over 100 yards against the Saints. Those penalties included after the whistle personal fouls on Brandon Pettigrew, Titus Young and Stefan Logan, as well as three offensive pass interference calls on Nate Burleson. While Detroit is not the most disciplined team in the league, they seem to have gotten their personal fouls under control in recent weeks, and Burleson is no longer wearing white sleeves underneath his jersey so as to avoid having any routine pushing and shoving stand out to the officials.

-In their first match-up Detroit was without starting cornerback Chris Houston, top back-up cornerback Brandon McDonald, starting safety Louis Delmas, and defensive end rush specialist Lawrence Jackson. Additionally, first round pick defensive tackle Nick Fairley and running back Kevin Smith were injured during the game, and all world defensive tack Ndamukong Suh sat out due to a suspension. Not that injuries are an excuse, but at a time when most teams are losing players, with the exception of running back Jahvid Best Detroit will have every projected starter from the opening of training camp back and healthy for this game.

-I thought the Lions were dealt a raw deal when their first game with the Saints was flex-timed to Sunday Night Football by NBC, as playing at the Superdome in primetime is a significant disadvantage. However, that game will prove to be a significant learning experience now that they have drawn the Saints on the road in primetime for the second time in a month the playoffs. While another team might be forced to guess when simulating the conditions they expect from the Saints home crowd, the Lions have already seen the best that those crazy coon-asses have to offer, so they will be able to adjust their protections and calls before the game even begins based upon what they saw and heard in December.

If you thought that the 1985 Bears were the first team to make a music single, you'd be wrong. That distinction went to Jimmy "Spiderman" Allen and the 1980 Detroit Lions. And if you thought that Ndamukong Suh's kick was violent, it doesn't even hold a candle to Billy Sims "karate" kick back in 1983.

Falcons vs. Giants (Falcons, road, +3) I know they are at home and outdoors, but I just don't trust that New York is a good football team. They can't run the ball, they can't stop the run, and they can't cover. While they should be able to move the ball in the air against Atlanta, the Falcons have a much more balanced attack and should win this game assuming they don't fall in love with the pass and abandon the run, as they've had a tendency to due at times this season.
Steelers vs. Broncos (Steelers, road, -9) Tim Tebow has never had sex with a girl, Ben Roethlisberger has sex with women even when they don't want to have sex with him. I don't expect Denver to be able to move the ball against the Steelers defense, and while Pittsburgh's offense has also struggled to score points of late, something tells me that when Big Ben wants something, Big Ben gets it...

I'm just hoping that Ben Roethlisberger wants this game and not Tim Tebow's mom.

National Championship Game

Alabama vs. LSU (LSU, -1) Honestly? the National Championship comes down to a rematch of what was a boring game between two teams from the same division in the same conference? While the Crimson Tide COULD be the second best team in the country, giving them a rematch against the Tigers is kind of like letting a girl going back to her abusive know she's going to get beat, it's just a matter of how.

I've never quite understood why dudes in the South wear coats and ties to football games.  We all know that they don't have real jobs, so it's not like they're coming from a business meeting or anything important. Plus, the guy in white appears to be crying...ROLL DAMN TEARS!!!

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