Monday, January 9, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime"

This season's bachelor is Constantine. Okay, I'm informed that the bachelor is not Constantine, it's some other guy from last fall's season of The Bachelorette who looks just like Constantine, neither of whom ended up getting picked by the girl with the gigantic forehead.

Believe it or not, these are two different guys who appeared on The Bachlorette last season. Up top is Constantine, while "Not Constantine," a/k/a Ben, is below him. 

Actually, "Not Constantine" is really Ben, who is the male version of last season's bachelorette, Ashley. While Ben doesn't really have the personality and charisma to carry a show like The Bachelor by himself, he's not someone who's going to make news for being physically or emotionally abusive to the opposite sex, which has recently become important to ABC...and yes, I'm talking about Vienna.

This season has the standard mix of desperate girls who are either on the show just to make names for themselves, or ones who have the requisite background stories...Mom's with dependency issues, dad's in prison, dead husbands, bastard children, uncles who molested them, grandmas, and the ability to fall in love in the amount of time that it takes to walk from a limousine and into a mansion.

The good news is that the show brings out every negative quality that a woman can have: cattiness, neediness, sluttiness, desperation and white girls trying to rap. That is why I'm attempting my first "Bachelor Blog."

See, I began watching this show with my girlfriend last year, and we ended up just sitting around and cracking jokes about the contestants the entire time. Since I've already tried blogging three other reality shows, I figured that I might as well take a stab at this one too since it was practically writing itself.

Am I afraid that it will make me less of a man and diminish the credibility of my football related blog posts? Yes, yes I am, but I have to do something to get back in my girlfriend's good graces after all of the college cheerleader pictures I've been posting.

First Impressions (not an exhaustive list, but my thoughts on the girls who stood out):

Holly - A blond from the bluegrass state who came in wearing a "Derby hat." After she asked Ben the two things Kentucky is known for, she revealed that they were "beautiful women and fast horses." However, living in the state of Kentucky myself, I think she got it confused, as the two things we are actually known for are "beautiful horses and fast women."

Brittney - As a way to stand out from the field, Brittney caused a stir by bringing her 92-year-old grandmother with her to meet Ben. While there is nothing that a guy wants to do more than meet a girl's grandmother, especially when he has over 20 other beautiful girls (and 3 ugly ones) to choose from, Brittney definitely stood the other girls who instantly hated her for going with such a cheesy play for sympathy.

Brittney S. is such a good family girl...she'd make any Grandma very proud.

Lindzie C. - Like Brittney, Lindzie C. was somehow able to get authorization from the show's Producers to utilize a prop while making her entrance. However, instead of using some old lady's corpse, Lindzie C. rode in on her horse, which immediately grabbed Ben's attention and helped her earn the First Impression Rose. It also earned her the scorn of every other girl in the house...

Holly, the wanna be horse girl from Kentucky, made a face like her thong had popped when she realized that she had been upstaged by a real life equestrian rider when she's really just some chick who shows her tits to a bunch of rednecks on the infield at Churchill Downs after bonging a few lukewarm tallboys of Bush Light.

Samantha - Samantha wore her "Miss Pacific Palasides" sash into the house, which to me was akin to the guy on last season's The Bachelorette who wore a mask and refused to to take it off. The only difference is that the dude from The Bachelorette wore the mask so Ashley would get to know him for his personality, while Samantha wore her sash to make sure that Ben remembered her for her looks.

I'm just looking forward to Samantha getting eliminated so we can see shots of her sneaking around the house at night after all the other girls have gone to bed to Phantom of the Opera music, and then sitting on the toilet wearing nothing but her sash...actually, strike the Phantom of the Opera music and add Here She Is, Miss America music, and I think we have a winner.

Courtney - The model who clearly has no interest in Ben. She obviously just wants to be on the show to further her career and beat the other girls for the sport of it. Upon seeing her for the first time, Ben stammered, "That's a pretty girl" as Courtney walked away. This isn't going to end well for Ben, who's clearly out of his league with this cup of bad news.

Amber T. - Amber is a tomboy/hunter from Nebraska, which pretty much makes her un-datable to anyone outside of the state of Nebraska. While Amber declared that she wanted to take Ben back home and make him eat "beef nuts" (cow balls) because they're "really, really messy - and really, really slimy," she got eliminated when she wore a jersey dress with Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s logo on it to the Rose Ceremony.

The Lesbians (Blakeley and Monica) - Blakely is the standard V.I.P. cocktail waitress, a slutty girl who makes a living conning rich old guys into giving her big tips.

I think it's safe to say that Blakeley is on The Bachelor for all the right reasons.

Monica is the girl who was obviously brought on the show for the sole purpose of playing the villain, as she's not pretty enough to be on for any other reason. In fact, you can always tell the girls on reality dating shows that don't really care about the guy because they always end up getting totally bombed at the first cocktail party and making catty comments to the other girls. That's exactly what happened when Monica picked a fight with Jenna, and then made a not so subtle drunken pass at Blakely on the couch in front of the rest of the house. "I love Blakeley. No, I'm serious. I love girls. She's real, and she's amazing. I love her - her teeth, her beauty, her eyes - God, there is something about a gorgeous real woman!"

Even though Monica has no apparent interest in Ben (or any other man for that matter), you just know that the producers are going to make sure that he keeps her around long enough to stir things up around the house in order to generate some buzz and ratings.

Jenna - At first I thought that "Bachelor Blog Girl" Jenna, a relationship blogger from New York, was going to be the pretty all-American girl that makes a run to the end. However, it quickly became obvious that she is bat-shit crazy. Of course I should have known better, as the only girls who write relationship blogs are the ones who are too crazy to be in an actual relationship themselves.

Jenna completely lost her shit after she got into an argument with Monica, which culminated with Jenna sarcastically saying, "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime!" I'm not really sure what happened after that, as the phrase "share a tampon" sent me into toxic-shock for about 20 minutes, but when I came to Jenna had locked herself in the bathroom where she could be heard crying and mumbling to herself.

Oddly enough, locking herself in a bathroom and crying is the exact same thing that my date for Homecoming did my senior year in high school...true story.

While I actually think that Jenna is probably one of the few girls who really want to be on the show to meet Ben, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she's also going to be the first girl to declare that she's "falling in love" with him after just a few conversations and a one-on-one date to a Benihana, where they sit at a community table before going straight home.

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