Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "Butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list"


This week we had The Bachelor "shake-up" episode, with one girl voluntarily leaving the house, and an old contestant walking back in. We also learned this week that former Bachelor contestant Emily Maynard has been handed the keys to the mansion to be the next Bachelorette, or should I say "The NASCARette." My early money is on Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to win her hand.

Ben chose Emily, the epidemiologist, to go with him on the week's first 1-on-1 on a hike up the Golden Gate Bridge to the top of one of its arches. Of course, keeping up with The Bachelor tradition of intentionally sending people on dates that involve things they are afraid of, Emily just happened to be terrified of heights.

Sending Emily up one of the suspension cables of the Golden Gate Bridge was akin to having the girl who's deathly afraid of water snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef, having the girl scared of flying go on an open cock-pit helicopter ride, and having the NASCAR widow drive a race car (Her ex actually died in in a plane crash and not a car wreck, but she had a fat little daughter with him so I guess we're not allowed to question her emotions).

Frankly, I don't blame Emily for being terrified of heights. There's only one reason to climb to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, and that's to jump off and plunge to a horrific fucking death.

In the end Emily was a good sport having conquered her fear of heights after Ben gave her a kiss, which ultimately earned her a rose. As a bonus, the other girls were able to spy on them climbing the Golden Gate Bridge from the mansion with telescopes, and they also saw the fireworks that went off when the two of them ultimately had sex...I mean made-out at the end of the night.

For the Group Date, Ben took roughly half of the girls on a ski trip down a San Francisco street that had been blocked-off and covered with artificial snow. Kind of like when any city in the South gets a quarter inch of snow, total chaos ensued. When Kacie B. finished the final leg of the hill going backwards and doing the splits, Ben proclaimed that "butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list."

Apparently Kacie B. didn't back that ass up enough, as Rachel was the one who ultimately got the "Group Date" Rose. Now if we could just find a way to get figure skaters to wear less clothing...

Back at the house, Brittney was asked to go on the second 1-on-1 date. Strangely, almost as if she had a secret boyfriend back home, Brittney declared that her heart wasn't in it for the right reasons and she decided to go home. This caused Ben to reflect, "Her departure represents that any of these women can leave whenever they want," proving that The Bachelor is a step above fundamental Mormonism and the Church of Scientology when it comes to women's rights.

Between Blakeley and Brittney, ABC should have saved some expenses and just shot this year's season of The Bachelor at the local Hooters restaurant in San Francisco.

The new 1-on-1 date was awarded to Lindzi, the equestrian rider from Seattle. Lindzi didn't seem to mind being Ben's second choice, even though the Goodyear Blimp flew by and mistakenly spelled out Brittney's name. Well, maybe that didn't happen, but Lindzi was still a trooper nonetheless.

The two went on a date to San Francisco's City Hall, which would have been the perfect setting for Blakeley and Monica to get married in the footsteps of Harvey Milk's corpse, only the two budding lesbians no longer seem to be a couple. When Monica saw Blakeley's picture come up in Ben's car during a picture slide-show of the remaining girls on their way to the ski-date she snarked, "I'd rather look at Rachel." Damn, was it a man or the money that came between the once happy couple?

While Lindzi has come across like a normal girl, something about her seems just a little bit off. Ben broached that subject by asking her how she was still single. Lindzi brought up how she had been in love once, only to be dumped via a text message that read, "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you." Let's just say I'm a doubter. Personally, I'd be willing to bet that something else went on to precipitate such a message, as you just don't get dumped like that out of the blue if you were truly in love unless you did something really wrong.

At the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony, Ben spent time with Jennifer and confidentially told her that she was the best kisser in the house, meaning that he also secretly acknowledged that he had pretty much kissed every other girl in the house. I have a feeling that is going to end up being a problem for Ben once all the girls start putting 2 and 2 together. However, being a girl, Jennifer wasn't ready to do that kind of hard math just quite yet, and she became the first girl of the season to declare herself to be "falling in love."

Ben also pulled bitch-faced model Courtney aside and took her to the secret room that JFK used to take Marlyn Monroe to, where they began making out. Working her 5-minutes of fame, Courtney told Ben, "I deal with the drama because it's worth it to me," which of course is kind of like saying that you deal with shit on the floor because you're the one who pooped there.

Just as Lindzi received a rose from Ben and declared that "nothing could ruin it," the TV audience was shown a video of an "unknown" girl calling Chris Harrison and declaring that she was driving in to see Ben. As the mystery girl arrived at the Mansion, she walked right passed the other girls and onto the patio looking for Ben, causing Courtney to take notice and ask, "Who's THAT girl?" After a stunned Elyse had her private conversation with Ben interrupted, she demanded to know, "Who IS she?"

My initial instinct was, 'holy shit, the mystery girl's going to be Jennifer Love Hewitt, or maybe the "Fang Girl" from last season!' Instead, the "mystery girl"  just turned out to be Shawntel, the creepy mortician from Brad's season. That caused Jaclyn to exclaim, "We don't want re-use Brad's dumpster trash!" Ben, who awkwardly acknowledged that he and Shawntel had talked before the show, allowed her to attend the Rose Ceremony, but without any promises.

If tabloid reports are true, Ben actually went out on a date at Jennifer Love Hewitt's request, but ultimately was not interested in her. Now he has Blakeley and Courtney to choose from. Advice to Ben, when you have an "A-List" celebrity pursuing you, don't throw that opportunity away to date a waitress who's clearly using you just to land the cover shot on next year's Hooters Calendar.

Shawntel's arrival clearly brought out the absolute worst in the other contestants. Whether it was girls trying to be funny, to just plain being bitchy, no guy wants to hear any of that shit. Honestly, a girl's either hot or she's not, and nothing else matters...and if any of you women want to yell at me for saying that, then stop going out with guys who play the acoustic guitar and then we can talk.

My girlfriend went as far as to ask if they were putting anything in the girls drinks to make them cry, to which my prompt response was, "Yes, it's called estrogen." Unfortunately, we still had to listen to Courtney go through the dramatics of saying how she'd decline her rose if Shawntel got one, only to see her accept when she was the first girl offered at the Rose Ceremony. She did give Ben a bitchy lecture about how upset she was at him, even though she's supposed to be the one competing for his affection.

Ultimately, it came down to one rose with only Erica, Jaclyn and Shawntel left. The pressure proved to be too much, as Erica fainted and Jaclyn went all scorned lover by blurting out how she was "getting dumped by a girl that he's know for three minutes" even before made a decision. After Erica regained conciousness and Jaclyn quit screaming, Ben announced that none of the three girls would be getting the final rose...And just to set the record straight, Jaclyn didn't get dumped because Shawntel came on the show, she got dumped because she's fucking ugly.

 Jaclyn Swartz kind of looks like one of those kids who has that rapid aging disease, only if that kid had really bad hair extensions and was trying to dress up as Paris Hilton for Halloween... Jesus, now I'm going to have nightmares.

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