Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "So, how'd that taste coming out your mouth?"

With the first Rose Ceremony out of the way, Ben chose Kacie B. to go on the season's first 1-on-1 date. The date took place in the downtown Sonoma, CA, where Ben lives. In what seemed like the only 5 minutes of normalcy we've seen this season, the two really seemed to hit things off. I'm making Kacie my early frontrunner to win since she a relatively pretty and seemingly down to earth girl.

When Kacie saw a baton in the window of an old fashioned toy store, she admitted to Ben that she had been a twirler in her youth. While Blakeley also acknowledged twirling a baton or two in her day, they were apparently talking about two entirely different things. Kacie and Ben then marched down the street as if that was completely normal to everyone around them before going to a theater and watching home videos of each other from their youth. In a side note, Ben lives in the whitest town in all of America.

Meanwhile, the first group date was announced, where roughly half of the girls accompanied Ben to participate with an acting class. However, when it was revealed that it was a childrens' acting troupe as opposed to professional actors, not only were most of the girls pissed, but they turned out to be very inappropriately dressed as well.

With the children having written a Bachelor themed fairy-tale, they auditioned the girls for the various roles in their play. For her audition, one of the children asked Blakeley (who was wearing a very revealing low cut jumper/romper) to "jog in slow motion."

If a ten-year-old asked Blakeley to jog slowly in slow motion Baywatch style, either the Producers were feeding him the line, or the steroids being put in our meats really are causing kids to hit puberty several years earlier than they used to.

Apparently Blakeley, the "VIP" cocktail waitress, is polarizing to women of all ages, as one of the little girls said, "That girl with the, uh, the like (trying to describe her boobs and plunging neckline with hand gestures)...I wasn't a fan of her." On the other hand a little boy could not control his smile when he said, "I thought she did good!" ABC then signed the boy up to be The Bachelor 2025, and the girl to be one of his contestants. Spoiler Alert! - The little girl gets eliminated in the second week when she has a melt-down after realizing she doesn't stack up with the other women.

Somebody needs to tell Blakeley what the "Very Important" in V.I.P. stands for.

Following the play, the girls met Ben for drinks at the pool where a rose still up for grabs from the group date. When one of the girls exclaimed "There's a rose on the table!," the girls stared it down like my dog does when there's food in front of him that he knows that he can't touch, but he is not so secretly hoping gets offered to him or accidentally falls on the floor...whichever happens first. Personally, if I was The Bachelor I'd hold my rose over the girl's head and make her jump for it, but that's just me.

My dog Shaq...drooling.

True to form, when house-bitch Blakeley heard about the rose she snarked, "I know, I didn't want to take it in front of you guys." She then proceeded to isolate Ben in the pool, where they engaged in a make-out session within eye-shot of the other girls. Not surprisingly, Blakeley received the rose from Ben for making the most of her "conversation time" with him.

Well, who knew? Apparently Maxim let Blakeley keep the swimsuit.

For his second one-on-one date, Ben selected Courtney, the other girl in the house who was going out of her way to be catty with the other women. For instance, when Kacie read the announcement that Ben had selected Courtney for the date, Courtney antagonized her by quipping, "So, how'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" She also passive aggressively questioned Lindzie C. on whether she felt like she got the First Impression Rose because Ben really liked her, or just because she made a big entrance on her horse.

Not surprisingly, after Courtney found out she was going on the 1-on-1 she voiced her true motives. "I have really good interactions with him. I'm also really competitive, and I usually win - WINNING!" Note to Courtney, if it wasn't amusing when Charlie Sheen said it, then it's certainly not amusing when a girl says it.

So to recap, so far Ben gave a group date rose to the biggest slut in the house in Blakeley, and one of his two 1-on-1 dates to the bitchy girl who's only on the show to further her modeling career. So far it's pretty safe to say that Ben might not be the best decision maker.

Upon showing up for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Ben proclaimed that the evening was for all the girls that did not get to go on a group date or otherwise have time with him. That didn't stop Blakeley from repeatedly butting in and stealing him away from girls as they were trying to use what little time they had left to make a final impression upon him.

It was evident that Blakeley was getting cocky when she announced, "All these bitches, I just got the rose dude!" She also bragged, "Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate and great lovers." Comments like those ultimately caused some of the other girls to knock her down a peg and freeze her out of the room with their own snarky comments directed back at her.

I'm thinking that  Blakeley being good in bed has less to do with her Zodiac sign, and more to do with the fact that she's a dirty whore.
Meanwhile, Jennacray Z. used her alone time with Ben to try and explain why she was such a mess before the first Rose Ceremony, only she rambled on said something along the lines of, "I feel like a guy." Not only did Jenna totally fuck up her chance for an endorsement deal with Secret Anti-perspirant, but Ben was visibly uncomfortable. Ultimately, Jenna was left mumbling to herself when she was interrupted by another girl who took Ben away from her before she could clarify that she actually is a woman.

Needless to say, when Ben intervened to straighten things out with the girls after learning of conflicts within the house, he found Blakeley balled up in the corner of the luggage room and Jenna in the room next to her sobbing uncontrollably. It was at that point that he had an "Oh-Shit" moment where he remembered why guys don't like to date any one woman for an extended period of time, let alone 20 of them.

So was "mean-girl" Blakeley really crying over comments from some of the other girls, or did she just use that as a cover when Ben walked in on her snorting coke in the corner of the luggage-room?.

By the Rose Ceremony we had a good idea of who was crazy (Jenna), and who the gold-digging sluts were (Blakeley and Courtney). Lets just say that when it comes to having a strategy on The Bachelor, it's better for the girls to use their sex appeal and piss off the other girls than it is to have a melt-down in the bachelor's presence and expect him to keep you around out of sympathy.

Not surprisingly, Blakeley and Courtney both received their roses before the Rose Ceremony, while Jenna the blogger girl was sent home crying hysterically. A girl named Shawn was also evicted, but I really don't even know which one she was. Personally I think it was too early for Ben to start sending pretty girls home just because they might be a little bit emotionally unstable, especially when there are still plenty of chicks like Jaclyn and Monica left in the house that he needs to get rid of simply because they're ugly.

Getting sent home after two emotional melt-downs over a guy that she had only known for 2 days is probably not going to help the credibility of Jenna's relationship blog. Then again, she's almost guaranteed to get an invite to be on The Bachelor Pad.

And on a final note, here's a must-see reality dating show parody from the NFL Network:

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