Blogging Survivor - South Pacific: "I'm going to be your genie in a bottle...You don't have to rub it actually, I'll just come out and do it"

As the cast of Survivor - South Pacific divided into teams captained by returning contestants Coach and Ozzy, they kicked things off with a Reward/Hero Challenge where only the two captains were allowed to compete. This was a race where they were forced to climb a pole, dig a hole beneath a rope and crawl under it, and then solve a puzzle. The winner would receive fire and terra - a legume that the ancient native South Pacific liberal elite used to make "terra chips," a junk food that they could enjoy while retaining the ability to talk down to the proletariat for eating plain old Ruffles and Lays.

Ozzy quickly scaled his pole and slithered under his rope, while an out-of-shape Coach predictably got stuck during the dig and crawl portion, giving Ozzy the advantage on his puzzle and the win. Given that the producers of Survivor knew who the returning captains were going to be before they designed this challenge, and given that Ozzy is known for his tree climbing skills and agility, it seemed pretty clear that they handed viewer favorite Ozzy the early win to establish his position within the Savaii Tribe, while they looked to create tension between the abrasive Coach and his Upolu Tribe when he inevitably lost.

As the Savaii Tribe arrived at their camp, Ozzy suggested that they all take a swim in order to relax and celebrate. As the tribe's young and beautiful girls eagerly stripped down to their underwear to go in the ocean, Harvard Law student Cochran protested taking off his outerwear due to his body issues, citing his translucent skin, through which you could see his organs. For some reason, I think he was only concerned with Savaii's girls seeing one particular organ, although he eventually did strip down into his skivvies and slow motion jog into the ocean "Bay Watch" style. In an unrelated note, I burned by Nichole Eggert poster this week...but only because she's old and fat.

Dawn had the game's first meltdown. The 41-year-old English professor at BYU began crying and saying that she wanted to quit because for the first time in her life she felt old, obviously unaware that Mormons age in dog years as compared to people outside of the state of Utah. Speaking of Mormons, if sports teams can trade players to get better fits for their respective teams, why can't states trade politicians? I'm thinking that Texas should trade Gov. Rick Perry to Utah for their former Governor Jon Huntsman. It seems like a no lose deal for both states, right? I mean, Utah pretty much gives fathers the authority to make the decision to vaccinate their daughters second wives for whatever reason they like, right?

Russell's Nephew refused to take his shirt off even while diving for fish out of fear that the other contestants would see his tattoos, almost as if he thinks he's a super hero protecting his secret identity or something. In addition to his "Lil' Hantz" tat that would have given him away as being Russell's Nephew, he also had the word "LOCO" tattooed on his neck, an obvious choice for any white kid growing up in rural Louisiana, which is the most racist state in American. If Russell's Nephew really were a super hero, I think I'd combine his two tat's and give him the name "Pequeno Loco," because he's noy just small, he's also crazy, making him 'Lil' Crazy.'"

"Who you tryin' to get crazy with ese, don't you know I'm Pequeno Loco?"

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a team obstacle course. For Savaii, Cochran couldn't climb the initial wall without slowing down his team, while Semhar couldn't shoot coconuts into a relatively easy basket...fucking hipster poets. When Savaii lost, Semhar apologized by saying, "I feel sort of bad," which caused poker guy Jim to try and make her feel guilty by snapping, "I don't feel sorta bad"...although he is sort of a dick. Stacey, the mortician, searched for the hidden immunity idol without the benefit of any clues, and actually stumbled upon it's location in a hollowed out tree trunk, but she didn't quite dig around deep enough to find it.

At Tribal Council, Savaii's vote came down to their two weakest players, Cochran and Semhar. Cochran begged to stay in the game given that he was an enthusiast, although Pappa Bear told him that he needed "direction." This prompted Cochran to proclaim (in response to complaints about his lack of help around camp), "I'm going to be your genie in a bottle, you don't have to rub actually, I'll just come out and do it"....which ironically is exactly what Christina Aguilerra says these days to any black guy at the club whenever she gets drunk. When Semhar got evicted instead of Cochran, Ozzy, who actually wanted Semhar to stay, lamented, "I should have taught her how to make fire."

Cochran, re-evaluating his game play after barely avoiding being voted out, stated, "I'm gonna have to turn on the cool, mellow Cochran; instead of the antsy, paranoid nerd kid that I think I've been for the last few days." Actually, I think he meant to say his "whole life," but I'll cut the kid a break since he's had a traumatic week...having to get partially naked in front of hot girls for the first time and all.

Given the open resentment from some of his tribe members, Coach pledged to change his game by controlling his self-righteousness, yet vowing to continue to play the game with honor and integrity. Edna declared that she had chosen to align herself with Coach because she was weak and needed a "strong man." Cochran announced "My mom's going to have mixed feelings about the 'new Cochran.' She'll be thrilled that I'm talking initiative and going to work, but the first thing she said was, 'I don't want you to be handling a machete without supervision.'"

So there we have it. A middle aged man in desperate need to be a father, a beautiful young woman with "daddy issues," and a young man who grew up without a father. Somehow, I sense an alliance in their future...or possibly two adult adoptions.

Coach's Nephew went on record in saying that he wanted Playboy Playmate and Lingerie Football League player Mikayla eliminated. His reasoning? "I don't feel comfortable around her. It's the ones that are good looking and seductive that you get rid of."

First of all, I'll be the first to point out that Mikayla hasn't done anything the least bit suggestive towards Russell's Nephew during the game, and fact, I'm not even sure that they'd ever even talked at this point in the game. At the same time, I think I get where Russell's Nephew was coming from. Given the creepy way that he lustily stared at Mikayla's ass as she walked on the beach in front of him in her hot-pants, and the hints that Russell's Nephew has repeatedly dropped about his troubled past and how he had messed up in his marriage, there's little doubt in my mind that Russell's Nephew was was seriously considering raping her. Russell's Nephew simply recognized his weakness and tried to vote her out in order to remove his temptation. I totally get it...that's exactly why I don't allow myself to lead Cub Scouts anymore.

In they eyes of Russell's Nephew, Mikayla's only bringing it upon herself.

Realizing that Brandon was targeting Mikayla, Sophie worried that it was because Mikayla was a strong woman, just like herself. Fortunately for Sophie, Brandon was targeting Mikayla simply because she's hot, which means that Sophie has nothing to worry about for the time being.

Russell's Nephew broke his vow to reveal his family lineage and showed Coach his "Lil' Hantz" tattoo in an attempt to earn his trust. Taken aback that he just found out that he had aligned himself with someone who turned out to be a close relative of his mortal enemy in the game of Survivor, or possibly questioning the intelligence of any white kid who would get the word "LOCO" tattooed on the back of his neck, coach wrestled with whether or not he could trust Russell's Nephew.

At the Immunity Challenge, the Tribes had to unwrap a pole, retrieve keys to unlock the rest of their team, and then work together in order solve a slide-puzzle. While Upolu came out and immediately took a huge lead, they blew it, allowing Savaii to come from behind and win.

After Coach's alliance huddled up to consider who to vote out, Christine asked Edna who Coach's alliance was targeting. When Edna panicked and responded "Sophie," Christine called her out for her lie. "No, Sophie was over there too (standing right next to Edna)...You're messing up your story...big-time!"

Knowing that she was a target to be voted out, Christine stepped up her search for the Immunity Idol. While she was ecstatic to stumble upon a hidden clue to help her locate it, that clue only told her that the Idol was hidden somewhere between the ocean and the trees, which was about as useful to Christine as a man's touch. On the other hand, Ozzy found Savaii's hidden Immunity Idol without the benefit of a clue when he noticed a rock wedged in a tree, and sprung up the hammock like he was Tarzan to investigate.

Heading into Tribal Counsel, Russell's Nephew lied to Coach and told him that both Stacey and Christine told him that they were going to vote out Mikayla, when in actuality he told the two of them that's who everyone else had decided to vote out. Coach made a brilliant strategic move in opening Tribal Council by stating he didn't understand why Stacey and Christine wanted to vote Mikayla out, since he wanted her to stay. This ultimately caused Russell's Nephew to come clean and admit that he had gone Sarah Palin and told Christine and Stacey how to vote, which was contrary to what his alliance had previously agreed upon.

After things calmed down, Coach's alliance voted Christine out 4-3, sending her to Redemption Island as she bitched to the camera about Coach by saying, "He's a tool." Actually, I think the way Coach handled Tribal Council was the best move he's ever made in the game of Survivor, although next week will be interesting to see how he handle's Russell's Nephew now that he caught him trying to go behind his back. Plus we have the added bonus of getting to watch another installment of "Rape Watch 2011." I just wish Christine hadn't been cast off to Exile Island before she finished organizing Survivor's first "Take Back the Night" march.