Wednesday, September 14, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "My strategy is to stay on my hands and knees"

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With Porsche having opened Pandora's Box, the house guests were forced to play as pairs as the duo twist was once again unleashed upon the house for one week.

With new life in the game, an ecstatic Rachel exclaimed, "Thank you Pandora's Box!"

On the other hand, her mentally challenged partner, Jordan, seemed oblivious to the opportunity they were handed as she whined, "I wonder what Porsche got? Why couldn't I get HOH and get Pandora's Box?"

I still stand by my belief that Jordan is the best strategic player left in the game, but that's not exactly a compliment to everyone else who is left.

With Porsche in control of the nominations despite the Pandora's Box twist, Adam switched alliances as if he had never left the "Newbies" to begin with.

Adam's kind of like the big sweaty guy who shows up at your college kegger uninvited and starts drinking for free, and nobody says anything to him because they all just assume one of the other roommates invited him. Back when I was in college, we called that guy "Stinky Paul."

While it was a strategically a tough call, Porsche nominated Rachel and Jordan for eviction, knowing that they could remove themselves from the block as a duo in the event that either one of them won the POV... at least I assume that Porsche was aware of that possibility.

Then again, she did open up Pandora's Box, so it's entirely possible that she's not capable of thinking far enough in the future to realize that: a) hidden twists in the game can only produce negative results when you and your alliance are firmly in power; b) nominating a duo that has a strong chance of removing themselves from the block could come back and bite you, or c) when you eat an entire troth of Big Brother "slop" every day that is covered in chocolate and marshmallows it can quickly make you gain 25 pounds, thereby hindering your chances of using your sexuality on national TV to improve upon your position in life as a "VIP cocktail waitress."

The POV Competition required each player to hold onto a life sized dummy of their original partner in the Big Brother house for as long as possible. Porsche was none to happy to have to wrap herself around Keith.

"It's way too soon to see Keith again. I mean, I could wait a lifetime and still be okay with it. But his face on a dummy? Kind of fitting." Apparently Porsche has some sort of prejudice against Keith because he's not a VIP.

With Adam having to hang on to a dummy of his ex-partner Dominic, who became Daniele's love interest before being evicted, Adam said, "I know Dominic was kind of hoping it was Daniele...AWKWARD!"

I don't exactly know who's responsible for this hole "AWKWARD" thing. Maybe it was just a Daniele thing, or possibly it's just a "Generation Y" saying that I don't quite get, but can we please stop using the phrase "AWKWARD!" Thank you.

As the POV Competition progressed, Kalia began dropping ass as she struggled to hang on to her Lawon dummy. This caused Jordan to comment, "Lawon is probably like, EWWW! girl, what are you doing?"

Of course, Kalia tried to issue a denial when she said, "I promise you - I don't fart," but not before looking around to the diary room cameras with an incriminating look on her face.

Rachel ended up outlasting the other contestants to win the POV, which was probably the most work she's ever put-in while straddling anything that even remotely resembles Brendon...except for maybe his brother.

Upon winning the POV, which gave Rachel and Jordan the power to evict either Shelly or Adam as duo replacement nominees, Shelly immediately went to Jordan to apologize for turning against their alliance. 

Shelly pledged her allegiance to Jordan and Rachel, and even went as far as to say that she'd throw any future HOH Competitions that came down to her and Jordan or Rachel.

Of course, she also indicated in the diary room that she intended to break that promise, which means that Shelly, having betrayed the "Newbies" twice, was now planning on betraying the "Veterans" for a second time if given the opportunity.

While Shelly would have clearly set a reality show record for the most back-stabs in a season had her plan came to fruition, she failed to consider that nobody believes a God damn word you say you repeatedly get caught telling lies to the same groups of people.

Not lost on Shelly's waffling throughout the game, Rachel stated, "Jordan and I control who's gets evicted this week, and I can't wait to see Shelly grovel at my feet. Sure enough, Shelly tried to play the groveling game, as she offered to let Rachel hold her family heirloom diamond ring as collateral in case she didn't believe her.

Untrue to her word as always, Shelly went on to inform the viewers in the diary room that the ring that she offered to Rachel was actually a duplicate, with the diamonds having been replaced with cubic zirconium. However, Shelly was not as clever as she thought, as Rachel astutely noted, "Shelly, look. I'm engaged, and I know rings, and your ring is not worth half a million dollars...What's that, I can't hear your motherly advice, because you're evicted."

And just like that, the redneck version of Bobby Jimmy and the Critters 'Cubic, Zirconium Girl' was evicted by a 2-1 vote, and Shelly returned home to Dixie...where Duck Head khakis and Wrangler jeans rule their respective social classes, SEC knit belts hold them up, and Big Johnson t-shirts tell the north and their women what they really think.
What a wasted artistic opportunity...I could have sworn that I was going to get a "because the South's gonna rise again" reference.

At a HOH Competition that was called "Rollin' in the Dough," the contestants had to navigate a ultra thick and gooey obstacle course in order to bring back the most donuts in their allotted time.

While Rachel said, "My strategy is to stay on my hands and knees and not get the frosting all over my clothes," she knew damn well and good that's not the way things work...I mean, why else would she bring a change of clothes with her every evening when she goes to work at "The Lusty Loin." Not surprisingly, her experience prevailed, and Rachel won the HOH.

Upon winning the HOH, Rachel, like Porsche, was offered a chance to open Pandora's Box. Tempted by a video from former 90210 star Tori Spelling, Rachel exclaimed, "Oh my God, Adam would freak out!"

Assuming that she was going to be offered a bridal shopping spree with Tori, and not learning from Porsche's mistake the week before, Rachel elected to open Pandora's Box. 

Thinking that she would receive a reward with the rest of the house getting the corresponding punishment, Rachel put the horse before the cart (or in terms she can understand...the penis before her ass).

Instead of getting a reward, she was subjected to spending the day with Big Brother season 10 and 11 contestant and douche bag extraordinaire and self proclaimed "Mr. Pec-Tacular," Jesse Godderz, who apparently is now a low level professional wrestler performing in high school and church auditoriums throughout the greater Ohio Valley.

"Mr. Rec-Tacular" returned to the Big Brother house to make sweet, sweet love to his openly gay pillow.

As part of her "punishment," Jesse gave Rachel his line of hair gel, protein powder, books, body wash, and gay porn pictures. This caused Rachel to ask, "Do I have to keep this stuff?" To which Jesse narcisstically responded, "You get to keep this stuff."

"Mr. Rec-Tacular," Jesse Godderz, tries to determine whether his shrinkage is due to the cold water, his steroid laden line of body building supplements, or just poor genetics.

With Rachel receiving a punishment instead of a reward for opening Pandora's Box, the rest of the house (okay, just Adam) got a reward in the form of a visit from Tori Spelling. When Tori rang the doorbell and entering the house, Adam's jaw dropped faster than Rachel's mouth at a Shriners Convention, and all he could do was grunt out AHHHH!!! while fanning himself.

As Tori introduced herself, Adam managed to blurt out, "Donna Martin graduates!" Kalia asked Tori if she had heard about Adam's infatuation with her, and Tori responded by saying, "I might have heard something about it."

Things got a little creepy when Adam told Tori, "One time my girlfriend got upset, I did call her Donna when we were lying in bed while watching 90210." A very relieved Tori replied, "I thought you were going to say something else!"

Tori eventually warmed up to him, and she gave both Adam and his inflatable duck kisses before she left. That caused Adam to pant, "Oh my God...Tori Spelling kissed my duck!" Somehow, Tori missed the fact that Adam's "inflatable duck" was simply a metaphor for his penis.

After Tori Spelling left the house, all of the contestants aside from Rachel (who was still locked in the HOH room with "Mr. Rec-Tacular) were treated to a free shopping spree where they could grab as many clothes as they could put on. Porsche showed more aggressiveness about the shopping spree than she did during any competition she's participated in, exclaiming, "Oh my gosh! The thing I definitely missed being in the outside world is shopping. So I'm ready to get out there, push these girls to the side, and get myself some new clothes."

In response to Porsche's shopping spree, a jealous Rachel snarked, "Porsche doesn't deserve that stuff, she wears sweatpants everyday," although she forgot that Porsche is deserving of a new wardrobe, if for no other reason than she needs clothes that will fit her now that she has surpassed her "freshman 15" in a matter of 8 weeks.

With Rachel back in charge of the game as HOH, Adam chicken and waffled his was back to their alliance like the keg party crasher he is. Mmm...chicken and waffles...and beer! Jordan pressed Rachel to stay true to the integrity of the game by nominating the two weakest players, but Rachel wanted to eliminate her strongest competitors, so she nominated Kalia and Porsche instead. 

At the Veto Competition, the contestants had to find specific types of pies named after prior house mates and return them to "OTEV," the sweet toothed shark. The last person to return with each particular pie got eliminated.

While Porsche should have won, she made a catastrophic mistake when she carelessly grabbed the wrong pie at the end, allowing Adam to claim the POV that she desperately needed. Porsche and Kalia tried to talk Adam into making a big game move to improve his position with the jury by using the POV on their duo, but he ultimately kept his word to Rachel and kept her nominations the same.

In her speech to her housemates before the eviction vote, Kalia targeted Adam. "You've spent the entire game being what people respect the least in this game, and that is a classic, Grade A floater...Adam, please start playing like an All-Star and stop playing like a fan," which was a bold statement from the only person who had their head further up Daniele's ass than "Evel Dick."

Not surprisingly, Adam voted to evict Kalia, while Jordan voted to evict Porsche. As HOH, Rachel used her tie-breaking vote to evict Kalia.

Upon being evicted Kalia said, "My downfall was trusting the wrong people...I really thought when I said 'Newbies' to the end, it really meant 'Newbies' to the end." Sure, all except the part where you secretly turned on the "Newbies" alliance the first time the "Veterans" won HOH...but we weren't really paying attention to that, Shelly...I mean Kalia.

The Fortune Teller machine in the Big Brother house finally came into play when it lead "true or false" trivia contest for HOH based upon events that took place earlier in the game. Possibly motivated by Kalia's slam, or possibly playing his hardest in competitions for the first time since he entered the house, Adam won his second challenge in a row to secure HOH and a guaranteed spot in the final 3.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 8:

4. Porsche - Porsche has officially turned into Cagney from Cagney and Lacey...if Cagney tried to cram her 60 year old ass into Juicy Couture sweatpants.

3. Rachel - When Jesse offered to autograph his body building products before he left, he and Rachel had the following exchange, which played out like a conversation at my 6-year-old's first day of school:

Jesse - "What's your name again?"
Rachel - "Rachel."
Jesse - "How do you spell it?"
Rachel - "With an R."  (both parties walk away satisfied)
2. Adam - After Adam was the first to be eliminated in the POV Competition where the contestants had to hang onto their partner's dummy the longest, When Adam complained, "I'm supposed to be the strongest guy in the house," he quickly remembered, "Oh wait, I'm the only guy in the house." However, Adam finished strong with his best week in the Big Brother house, winning back-to-back POV and HOH Competitions and getting a kiss on the cheek from Tori Spelling as he secured the first spot in the final 3.

I see big ratings in the future if Oxygen pick up the new reality series, Tori and Adam...and Adam's pissed off girlfriend Fara.

1. Jordan - Jordan has started calling her union with Rachel as "Jo-chel." Personally, I think "Whore-dan" would have been more appropriate from Rachel's standpoint, but that's just me. Fortunately for Jordan, Adam's man crush on Jeff is extending to her by proxy, so she has both Adam and Rachel in her corner heading into the finals next week.

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