Sunday, September 4, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "Unless scientists make Mai Tais, I'm pretty sure she's a waitress"

Click here to get my most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts
With Jeff having nominated Kalia and Porsche for eviction, Rachel taunted Daniele for her role in helping to eliminate Brendon by sarcastically saying, "Daniele, why are you being so testy? What's wrong with you, do you hate me?...I already know the answer to that, but there's no reason." When Daniele walked off muttering, "I'm literally going to punch her in the face," Jordan playfully asked, "What did you do to her Rachel?...You're something else woman!"

Getting to remove the "humilitard" that she was forced to wear for a week, Jordan decided to do it as a strip-tease. This caused Adam to drool, "Jordan decided to strip off her 'humilitard!' I'm all for it, I just thought Porsche would be the first person in the house to strip." Porsche was also the "butt" of Jordan's joking, who mimicked her weight gain along with Rachel as they watched her on the camera in the HOH room. As Porsche and Dani walked into the kitchen, Jordan did an impromptu voice over for Porsche and joked, "C'mon Dani, help me make some more food!"

Since her time on the show, Porsche has officially become an "ass-tastrophe"- a girl with a pretty face and a disproportionately HUGE ass - as evidenced by these bikini bottoms, which actually fit her when she first arrived in the Big Brother house.
Before the POV Competition, the Zingbot 3000 made its first appearance in the house this season to roast the remaining contestants with "zings." Going for the "biggest" target, the Zingbot immediately made fun of Porsche's ass. "Porsche, shouldn't you be named after a car with a roomier trunk?...ZING!" Shelly's redneck ways also made her a Zingbot target. "Shelly, what do you call someone who likes to smoke, hunt and fish? - A dude!...ZING!"

At the POV Competition, the contestants were forced to put together a "Bride of Zingbot" puzzle. With Jeff winning, he used the POV on Porsche and broke his deal with Daniele by putting her up as a replacement nominee because he didn't fully trust her.

Realizing that she needed to make a move in order to have any chance at winning, Shelly approached Adam about possibly leaving their alliance with the "Veterans." Unfortunately, Adam refused to waver, citing his giant man crush on "Big Jeff." This caused Daniele to quip, "Adam doesn't use Adam's Brain, Adam uses Jeff's brain. This dufus is the deciding vote!"

As a last gasp attempt to stir things up, Shelly informed Rachel that Jeff threw the POV Competition last week that could have potentially saved Brendon. This caused Rachel to confront Jeff. While Jeff denied it, Rachel still approached Daniel about the possibility of making a secret deal in retaliation. Daniele excitedly responded, "Who would have thunk it. I'm already planning my own funeral...and here comes a glimmer of hope in red extensions and funny boots. I will do anything to stay, even if that means making a deal with the Devil."

Not aware that she had been exposed for playing both sides, Shelly casually said to Jeff in some unintelligible redneck vernacular, "What's up your butt 'meanie MIENI deanie?'" Of course, that caused Jeff to become irate. While Jeff and Shelly bantered back and forth for seemed to be forever, nothing of note really took place, aside from the Guinness Book of World Records sanctioning them for the most "gonna's" ever said in one conversation in the history of the English language, and I use the term "English" very loosely.

As Jeff and Shelly continued to bicker, Rachel exclaimed, "I just don't want to deal with all this fighting!" While Rachel might be Big Brother's new and unlikely version of Rodney King, her deal with Dani never materialized, as Daniele was evicted 3-2 with her two votes coming from Porsche and Shelly. In her eviction speech Dani called for someone to make a game move when she said, "I came here to play the game that I love, but unfortunately, other people had a different agenda, and that agenda was to sit around for an entire summer to write Jeff and Jordan a paycheck."

Upon being evicted Dani proclaimed that "Adam is the worst player to ever play this game." Rachel was overjoyed to see Daniele leave, as in her post eviction message she told her, "I could care less about your stupid jury vote. You Daniele, are arrogant, you are rude, your are pretty much a horrible bitch. Yeah, I said it, you're a bitch. You don't even compare to half the game player your dad was."

Immediately after Daniele was evicted, Connie Chung informed the contestants that this was week was going a surprise "double eviction" week, with a whole week's worth of game to be played in a matter of minutes. The contestants immediately moved on to a "did it happen before or after" HOH Competition. With Kalia winning, she promptly nominated Jeff and Rachel for eviction.

At the POV Competition the contestants were forced to find two clown shoes burried in a bin of balls, and then return with the POV medallion after they had found them. I know it sounds bizzare, but Rachel immediately claimed that she was an "really good at finding clown shoes burried in balls," or at least that's what I wanted to hear her say. When Porsche won the POV, Jeff reminded her that he was the one who removed her from the nomination block by using it on her the week before. Porsche was unpersuaded, as she rebuffed him by saying, "You voted off my biggest ally."

When Porsche refused to use the POV and kept Kalia's nominations intact because "It's what Daniele would've wanted," a frustrated Jeff sarcastically said, "Bravo Porsche, you did exactly what someone... who's not even in this house anymore wanted."

Having instigated a fight with Shelly earlier, Jeff ended up losing her as an ally, causing the eviction vote to wind up a 2-2 tie between Jeff and Rachel. With Kalia holding the deciding vote as HOH, "Big Jeff" was sent packing from the Big Brother house.

Upon being evicted an irate Jeff told Connie, "I'm a little fired up..., you know what I mean?" To which she uncomfortably responded, "I can tell, I think I'm going to move backwards," as she nervously moved away from him. Interestingly, a stubborn Jeff refused to admit that his decision to backdoor Daniele just moments prior ultimately cost him his spot in the game.

At the ensuing HOH Competition in which the contestants had to balance and roll a ball across a snake shaped course without it falling off the edges, Porsche quickly got the hang of it and easily defeated the other house guests. This seemingly put her alliance with Shely and Kalia in firm control of the game...that is until Porsche was tempted with an opportunity to open Pandora's Box, which offered her a reward in return for some corresponding consequence.

Apparently distracted by shiny things like jewelry, empty beer cans and TV Dinner trays, Porsche idiotically decided to open Pandora's Box. While that decision did win her and another house guest $10,000 and a bottle of champagne to split, it also reinstated the partnership rules from earlier in the season for one more week. That not only meant that Porsche would have to nominate pairs instead of individuals, but the nominated pair could remove themselves from the block in the event that either one in that duo won the POV...potentially allowing Rachel and Jordan to escape eviction and forcing Porsche to evict one of her alliance members.

"Perviest" Google searches that lead to hits on my blog this week: This is going to be a lifetime achievement award to everyone from Saudi Arabia who has ever arrived on my site by searching for things like "suck big d!ck," "big pen!s," or "my main man's big gay c0ck." Seriously, I'm getting like 2 or 3 of these a day, so please knock it the fuck off Saudi Arabia. (Editor's note - I've altered some of the characters so I don't receive even more perverted hits on key word searches like these).

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 7:

6. Rachel - As I surmised in my first BBB12 post from last season, rumor has it that Brendon really was a stripper before he became a PHD student. That same source claims that Brendon was just auditing a class, but his professor took a "liking" to him and arranged for him to get a scholarship. And here I was thinking that Rachel was the only boy-toy in their relationship handing out blow-jobs like they were party-favors. At least now I have a better understanding as to why Brendon and Jeff liked to wear matching outfits after having read that story.

5. Jordan - Even the relatively calm Jordan became jealous and lost her cool after Jeff got evicted and she vented, "All you all follow Daniele because you think she's the greatest. Her season was four years ago! Who cares if her dad's "Evel Dick!" I found this to be be particularly funny, because odds are that someone, somewhere turned their TV on to Big Brother at the exact moment that Jordan uttered the words "her dad's evil dick," which either caused them to immediately change the channel or go do a keyword search on "Google Saudi Arabia."

4. Adam - I'm not sure if Adam was excited to see Jordan do a strip-tease when she took off her humilitard because it was her, or because she's his man crush's girlfriend. I just find it amusing that Jeff spent the entire summer trying to get America to refer to him as "Big Jeff," when the only one who bought into it were Adam and...well, me, I guess. In any event, Adam has solidified himself as nothing but a follower in this game. In his best case scenario he's third in line behind Jordan and Rachel. More than likely though, he's fourth in line behind Kalia, Porsche and Shelly.

3. Shelly - This week Shelly finally tried to make some big game moves. Unfortunately, she tried to make those out of necessity, and not as part of a thought out pre-emptive strategy. The net result? Shelly went from being 3rd in the pecking order in the remaining "Veteran" alliance, to being 3rd in the pecking order in the "Newby" alliance. Somewhere in Louisiana, Shelly's 8-year-old daughter is shaking her head in disgust and disbelief.

2. Kalia - Of all people, Kalia just might find a way to win this game. Not because she's a good player, but because everyone else is so bad. She pretty much summed it up perfectly when she said, "If all the 'Veterans' really want competitors here, I have a way better track record than Porsche does. And I'm someone who's actually here to bust my butt and not just host some things in a bikini."

1. Porsche - I'm no longer cheering for anybody in particular to win Big Brother 13, as I either dislike everyone who is left of they just don't deserve to win. Rachel is the best competitor, but she's just too annoying and lacks the social skills to ever get enough votes to win. Jordan is the best strategist left in the game, but she's already won the $500,000 grand prize. Adam got his reward in getting to follow "Big Jeff" around all summer. Shelly betrayed not only her 'Newby' alliance for a less secure spot with the 'Veterans' early in the game, but she turned on the "Veterans' as well after they caught her lying to them (note to Shelly - when there are two sides in a game and you piss off both of them...never mind, I'm going to assume that you're just bad at math, like all women).

I guess at this point I'm cheering for Porsche, if for no other reason than there's a 50/50 possibility that "Evel Dick's" head will explode when he hears her use the word "like" 17 times when she gives her speech on why she deserves to win the game that he so dearly loves after he was forced to leave the house prematurely due to his Hep-C diagnosis.


  1. Nice to see "ass-tastrophe" make its triumphant return.

    I love every time you pull out the Connie Chung blast, as well.

  2. I always say, if the bikini bottoms don't fit...Alright, I've never said that before, but Porsche might have taken over as the new "Ms. Ass-tastrophe" from the original BW's waitress.

  3. For a while, I thought Porsche was growing on me...then I realized she was just growing.

    Thank you...I'll be here all week.