BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "I suck at this competition, I definitely wasn't a reading comprehension student"

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With Adam winning HOH, he re-pledged his loyalty to the remaining "Veterans," Jordan and Rachel, but he first hoped to get something in return. "My lips are getting a little chapped from kissing a lot of Veteran butt, so this week, let's see if these girls are kissing my butt the way I kissed their butt." Porsche, upset that she lost HOH, complained, "I suck at this competition, I definitely wasn't a reading comprehension student."

Upon unveiling Adam's HOH room, it was revealed that he was sent something called "gummy bacon." To think, until this point in the game, I thought that Rachel was the most disgusting thing to set foot in the Big Brother house...I think we might need to take a poll on this one.

As Adam contemplated his nominations, he informed Jordan that he might put her up for eviction along with Porsche. Jordan was less than pleased about the prospect of getting sold out at the end of the game by an alliance member, as she complained, "This girl uses her feminine ways and bats her eyes...trying to get her way."

In spite of Jordan's protest, Adam nominated Porsche and Jordan for eviction. Adam stated, "The best night of sleep I've had in this house is the night I won the Veto and took myself off the block. Rachel has done that already, you two have yet to do that. I'm giving you the opportunity to earn it, please."

At the POV Competition, the contestants played "Jukebox V.E.T.O," where they were given clues stacked on two jukeboxes, and asked to match them with the names of their corresponding house mates. Porsche secured the POV win when she developed a strategy of stacking her blocks on the ground instead of locking them on the jukebox, which allowed her to edit her answers more quickly than her competitors. Porsche's win guaranteed her a spot in the final 3, along with Adam.

Forced to put up a replacement nominee for Porsche, Adam had no choice but to put up Rachel. That gave Porsche the sole vote on whether to evict Rachel or Jordan.

With Rachel having been on again/off again friends with Porsche throughout the game, and Jordan not having even talked to Porsche, Jordan knew the writing was on the wall when she issued a snarky speech aimed at Jordan before the eviction vote. "Porsche, 69 days here, we never really talked that much, but I know that you love wearing bikinis, and you live to host competitions." 

While an overly catty Jordan may have been the "Veteran," she was the one who probably should have made a point to befriend Porsche and not vice versa, as she was the one who ended up getting voted off the show because her less social counterpart was at least "frien-emies" with Rachel.

In the first of a three staged final HOH Competition, the contestants had to stand on a giant mixing blade without falling off as it whipped through a giant bowl of butter. After getting hit with blasts of goo, Rachel exclaimed, "In the face!" She then licked her lips and pretended not to look disgusted...not at all unlike any night when she's stripped in Vegas and still had to go home to Brendon.

The "Big Brother mixer" competition soon began to take it's toll on Porsche. "I'm feeling nauseous and I definitely do not want to give up...although I don't want to be swimming in my own throw-up either, so this is like a catch-22." This caused Rachel to exclaim, "Fall off, because I do not want to be hanging out in throw-up butter." Interestingly to me, thow-up is vomit, while I would consider "throw-up butter" to be something completely different altogether...but I'm sure that Brendon is proud that Rachel was able to use that term...because she's a scientist.  

As the winner of the 1st stage of the final HOH Competition, Rachel automatically moved on the the 3rd and final stage. This left Adam and Porsche to play in a 2nd round, in which they were to arrange the faces of their house guests through an underwater maze in the order that they had won HOH. While Adam seemed to have the advantage in knowing the chronology of the game better, he inexplicably threw off his goggles when they lost their seal, allowing Porsche to defeat him when he he had to leave the tank to look for them.

After losing his chance to win the final HOH, Adam later proclaimed to the finalists and jury, "If I didn't throw my goggles and I didn't smoke...I would have won this game." He actually almost had me sold...all except for the part where Adam sucked at playing Big Brother.

The 3rd and final part of the HOH Competition was a "how well do you know the contestants" contest between Rachel and Porsche. Porsche proved that she was completely oblivious during the game, as she only got 1 question correct and basically handed the HOH to Rachel. Rachel was then forced to choose between Adam and Porsche on who to take to the final two, and she ended up choosing Porsche based upon their prior agreement.

As Rachel and Porsche met the Jury, Rachel stressed how she had to play the game with a target on her back and how she was a strong competitor. Porsche only tried to kiss-up to Adam by telling him that she "loved him," almost like when a waitress gives you shitty service, but then tries to be nice to you when she hands out the check in a desperate attempt to get a decent tip. The fact that Porsche is a waitress and Adam is a big sucker around women was obviously just a coincidence given that he could have been one of the swing votes, right?

As the Jury deliberated, "Evel Dick" commented how his daughter Daniele single handedly blew up the "Veteran" alliance that he had created, although he refused to criticize her on camera. He instead said (in regards to the two of them no longer speaking), "I talk behind her back, not in front of her." Jeff was given an opportunity by Connie Chung to make amends with Daniele, and while he briefly thought about doing so, he ultimately said, "I guess I do dislike her...I don't like her." When asked to comment on Shelly's gameplay  and her propensity to lie, the ever beautiful Cassi (and Shelly's only real friend from the house) said "She really threw me for a loop...She really had me fooled."

In America's Vote for their favorite contestant to win $25,000, Jeff was chosen as the winner...because America hates fags just as much as Rick Perry, who based upon America's vote here is destined to become our next President. With a "Veteran" laden jury, Rachel not so surprisingly (but not so deservingly), was voted winner of Big Brother 13, picking up the $500,000.

When Rachel pledged to donate her grand prize to herpes and Hepatitis C research, Brendon nodded in the background in approval. Rachel immediately parlayed her win into another 2 episode guest appearance on the Bold and the Beautiful, where she'll apparently go out of her comfort zone and play a waitress. I guess I'm just surprised that they don't have her lined up to play a scientist, because after all, it's just acting.

Here's Rachel as she learned that she was voted the winner of Big Brother 13. Strangely, whenever she is handed a semi-large sum of money, she instincually opens her mouth...a trait she inherited from her mother.

And as all the contestants began to intermingle and catch up to end the season, you could see Keith aggressively walking around the stage by himself, almost as if he was looking for a dude to mount up on...kind of like my dogs do when they have to poop, but it's raining too hard for them to want to go outside.