Sunday, August 28, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "I love a foam party as much as the next girl..."

Click here to get my most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts
So this week during Big Brother I saw an ad for a new online dating service called" My first impression upon seeing that commercial was, "This is going to make a shitload of money!" My second thought? "It's going to take approximately 12 seconds until some Tea Party member asks why they don't they have a," not realizing that was the original name for EHarmony. Besides, white people already have farmers' markets and Ole Miss University as racially exclusive places to go to meet their future spouses or one night stands.

Okay, back to Big Brother. With Shelly and Adam nominated for eviction, Shelly confronted Rachel by saying, "Don't do your squintin' and guintin''re not going to intimidate me." I'm not sure if "squintin' and guintin" is an actual phrase that Shelly made up or if she lifted it from a track on the new Montgomery Gentry album, but she took things further when she blasted Rachel by saying, "I hate people who lie!" Now, Rachel may be a lot of things - the most annoying woman alive, Vegas Pole Dancer of the Year - 2004-2005, and the nation's largest DNA receptacle this side of the FBI's sex offender database - but she really didn't lie to or about Shelly in any way when she exposed her proposed alliance with Jeff and Jordan.

At the Power of Veto Competition the contestants played a modified version of the game cornhole, with Rachel and Brendon having to sit-out after not getting their names drawn to play. The house guests also had to dress up in wife beaters and overalls, which caused Jordan to expose an embarassing detail about Jeff when she babbled, "Jeff looks like a boy band back in the 90's - when they wore the overalls and tried to show their muscles...Jeff likes boy bands. Jeff goes to his buddy's garage and he'd sing me boy band songs...Don't show this, he'll get mad"

After Jordan got done putting makeup over her black eye and apologizing to Jeff, Adam asked Jeff (who was said to be the best player in the house in their backyard games) to intentionally lose the contest so he could win. When Dani agreed to throw the contest, Jeff also bowed out after she assured him that Rachel and Brendon would be her targets if Adam took himself off the block.

After the POV Competition, Shelly was forced to go into 24 hours of solitary confinement as part of the reward/punishment that she received. The reward was a call from her 8-year-old daughter, who later gave the audience her analysis of the game. "If I was on the show with her, I would probably be like, 'what are you doing mom, you're gonna get yourself killed off.'" She went on to reason, "I understand that she doesn't want me to get all upset, but she kind of needs to stop lying and pick a side."

First of all, I don't really understand why Shelly's daughter speaks perfect English when her mom talks in some sort of distorted white trash dialect that can only be understood by NASCAR crew chiefs and the hot blond who won The Bachelor last year, but at 8-years-old she already has a better grasp of the game than her mom does. She even rolled her eyes and snarked, "Shut up Rachel!" when her mom was nominated for eviction...which makes me believe that she's the catty and witty voice that Big Brother has been lacking all summer.

After the POV Competition, Rachel and Brendon tried to cut a deal with Daniele. When Daniele instead made a deal with Jeff and Jordan and put Brendon up as the replacement nominee for Adam he boasted, "I didn't fight my way back in just to get evicted one more time. Nobody is going to evict me twice in the same summer. Good luck Daniele." Dani had other ideas, saying, "Brendon's going to go home, the smallest girl evicting the biggest guy...twice!"

Rachel tried to smooth things over by approaching Porsche, who totally blew her off like a bitchy teenage girl. "Last time that I did vote to keep him, it didn't benefit me in any way. That whole week it was just like you, Jeff and Jordan, like, off on your own, so I was like totally left out. Like, why would I want to keep him now?" Porsche left Rachel speechless when she said, "Don't be all like boo-hoo face now," in response to Rachel making a crunched up face as if she was trying to figure out if her cat had secretly taken a shit on the floor. "That's not a threat...Big smiles?"

Rachel continued to cop an attitude when Jeff and Jordan informed her that it wouldn't be in their best interest to vote for Brendon in the event it was clear that he didn't have the votes to stay in the house. This caused Jeff to snap back, "Rach, I'm telling you, I'm going to be honest with you. If you're gonna bring that me, and look at me like that when I've done nothing to hurt you and everything to help you...there's going to be a problem moving forward."

The house voted 5-1 to send Brendon back to the jury house, with Rachel the only one voting to keep him. Of course, Brendon once again went out of his way to reference that he is in the Physics Department at UCLA as he prepared to exit the house, which has to be the worst academic program in the country this side of UNLV's work study program through their College of Couch Dancing and Cocoa Butter, from which Rachel graduated with High Honors.

In response to Brendon leaving the house Dani quipped, "Finally, Brendon's gone forever. The guy's been evicted three times in one year, I think that's hilarious!" As Brendon left the house to the standard cheers that all contestants receive from the live studio audience, Rachel taunted Daniele by saying, "Same amount of cheers as last time, huh Dani? Seems like America likes him." Dani, looking somewhat puzzled, simply said, "I've never said America doesn't like him."

Personally, I find it hard to believe that America does like Brendon. I still question the results of the "America's Vote" that brought him back into the house. In fact, let's get Al Gore looking into whether Brendon really did receive more votes than Cassi, or whether bringing him back into the house was just a ratings ploy by CBS...That way Gore could say that he was associated with at least one recount that had some sort of merit.

The Head of Household Competition required the contestants to fill a large bowl with cups of soap while walking back and forth on a Slip n' Slide like surface. After being doused with suds that fell from above Rachel exclaimed, "I love a foam party just as much as the next girl, but I don't know if I can handle this much foam," which is rather difficult to believe given that Rachel has been chin deep in spermicide on a daily basis since she was at least 13-years-old.

Kalia attempted to talk to Jeff in order to make peace with him, although he abrubtly informed her that she had sealed her fate when she nominated him against his wishes the week before. Porsche also awkwardly approached Jeff, much to his amusement. "Today, being day forty-nine, Porsche came to me - let me get a minute, because it's hilarious - and tried to talk game for the first time in forty-nine days." With Kalia and Porsche officially getting nominated, Daniele agreed to throw the POV to the delight of Jeff and Jordan, who were considering backdooring her as a potential replacement nominee.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 6:

8. Kalia - As a consolation prize for losing the POV Competion, Kalia received a Caribbean vacation, although anyone who finished ahead of her could have taken it from her in return for the prize that they drew had they chosen to do so. This caused Kalia to say, "If you take this vacation from me it's going to be a ho-down, 'cause a Ho's gonna be down." Not a great quote from Kalia...but at least she's starting to give me something to work with. You can play again next week...then again, maybe not given that she seems to be Jeff's target.

7. Porsche - Porsche is treating her time in the Big Brother house like every freshman girl who's attended summer classes at the University of Indiana....she's spending all of her time eating, drinking and lying out in the sun, and none of her time on the reasons why she's actually supposed to be there. By the time she leaves the house she'll have gained 50 pounds and be totally undateable for anyone who doesn't have a fetish for large heffers...just like all the women who attended IU.

This Porsche might want to adjust one of her headlights, because I think the one on the right is just about ready to go out.
6. Adam - Adam is still playing both sides of the house, and sooner or later it's going to get him in trouble. In fact, I think it's probably too late for him to do anything about it. He might want to spend the rest of his time in the house playing up his "Heavy Metal Teddybear" shtick in hopes of parlaying it into an apprenticeship with "Evel Dick" as a middle aged male rock n' roll groupie.

5. Shelly - Even though she's not a lesbian, if you were making a movie that called for a lesbian gym teacher I would think that Shelly would be your prototype model for casting one. I have to admit that I've enjoyed watching Shelly call out Rachel, especially since she was completely in the wrong. Shelly might be getting a little too full of herself given that she has been riding the coattails of Jeff/Jordan and Rachel/Brendon the entire game, so she probably needs to bite her tongue if she wants to stay in the game much longer.

4. Rachel - As Brendon left the house, Rachel's taped message to him said, "Don't hate, because I'm going to make it further than you did last season." My hope is that Rachel's nasty and competitive side comes back now that Brendon's gone, as I really think that he was holding her back this year by trying to make her act like less of a party girl and more like a wife. Let's face it, you can't make Rachel something that she's not. While she may never be liked by America, as long as someone keeps feeding her tequila shots every 20 minutes there's going to be a happy ending. That happy ending might involve a role as a villain in another reality show, or it might involve a 55-year old man in Vegas for a Shriners' Convention...but one way or another there's going to be a happy ending.

Rachel's future is entirely dependent upon tequila, and there's nothing Brendon can do that's ever going to change that.
3. Daniele - If memory serves me correctly, Daniele was a college student when she first appeared on Big Brother 8. Now that she's on Big Brother 13, she's still listed as a college student. Clearly, she's not a PHD candidate like Brendon, or she would have told us by now, but I am a little curious to know exactly what it is she's been studying for this long. Perhaps she's in Beauty School, which would explain her transformation from a platinum blond to a brunette since the last time she was on the show. Right now Daniele has a delicate alliance with Jeff and Jordan, but I wouldn't be surprised if they backdoored her if the opportunity presents itself given that she's played a stronger game than the rest of her competition.

2. Jeff - I like how Jeff, who got outed for being a homophobe earlier this season, got exposed for liking boy bands. He's also worn matching tank tops and talked about shaving his pubes with Brendon, and refers to himself as "Big Jeff." Just throwing this out there, but isn't it funny how the people who scream the loudest against gays and gay rights are the ones who frequently end up being gay themselves?

Jeff and Lance Bass may have more than one thing in common than just their outfits and taste in music.
1. Jordan - The Big Brother subplot of the summer has involved Jordan keeping the viewers up to date on her gastrointestinal problems. This week she informed us that "spicy food and I don't get along," which is nothing that we couldn't have figured out on our own. I do feel sorry for everyone who has been locked in the house with her this summer. If Jordan does end up winning Big Brother, CBS might have to set-aside part of her winnings in order to set up a fund for the other contestants who were exposed to her constant emissions...either that or she's going to have to work out a "cap and trade" with Cassi, who's clearly never farted in her life.  

Now Rachel, on the otherhand, has been known to make some "string music."

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