Thursday, February 26, 2015

Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - Meet the Cast

Survivor - Worlds Apart is upon us, which means that we are looking at the most diverse cross section of attorneys, law enforcement officers, and beauty queens/models that California, New York and Florida have to offer.

Twists this season include tribes being divided between "white collar," "blue collar," and "no collar" players. Jeff Probst is also promising another "new advantage in the game," but I guess we won't know that is until the show actually airs.

Perhaps the best news of all was is there's no returning players this season, which must mean that Russell Hantz and the rest of his family are either in jail or still recovering from the start of the NASCAR season.

Actually, I'm pretty relieved that CBS did not cast another member of the Hantz klan (and when I use the term klan, I mean it literally), because we're about one or two more of them away from having enough of those little inbred rednecks to form their own damn tribe called "Oompa Loompa."

Fortunately, we're safe from having to experience that reality show...At least for now.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.


Carolyn Rivera - A 52-year-old corporate executive from Tampa Bay.

Carolyn Rivera: There's a certain age where you just need to stop wearing a spray tan.

Pros: She's in relatively good shape, at least for her age.

Cons: She's old, she's a type-A personality, and she's originally from Queens...She won't last long.

Joaquin Souberbielle - A 27-year-old marketing director from New York.

Joaquin Souberbielle: There's no sex in the champagne room...Or the tribe's shelter.

Pros: Joaquin announced in his bio that he's "Taking his talents to Survivor," which obviously worked out well for LeBron James.

Cons: He's a white guy with an Asian tattoo on his side, which is the barbed wire/Native American armband of the new millennium.

Max Dawson - A 37-year-old media consultant from California.

Max Dawson - The "Ph.D. stands for Douchebag of Philosophy.

Pros: He once taught a class on Survivor at Northwestern University, so he obviously knows the game.

Cons: He insists on putting the title "Ph.D. after his name, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about him.

Shirin Oskooi - A 31-year-old Yahoo! executive from San Francisco

Shirin Oskooi: This is what happens when society enacts "anti-bullying" laws. 

Pros: Her claim to fame is helping make the Yahoo! Calendar the No. 1 online calendar.

Cons: This is Survivor, not a make believe world like it is working at Yahoo! or Google.

So Kim - A 31-year-old retail buyer from Long Beach, CA.

So Kim recently divorced her husband and went on Survivor.

Pros: So just got divorced last year, so she's clearly has something to prove to her ex by going on the show.

Cons: So is the most likely candidate to screw up her game by hooking up on the show.

Tyler Fredrickson - A 33-year-old ex-talent agent assistant from Los Angeles.

Tyler Fredrickson: Everyone knows that Bill Parcells just loved kickers!

Pros: Tyler once kicked the game winning field goal for Cal against then No. 3 USC on national TV.

Cons: He's tried out seven different professional football teams, but never made it in the NFL.


Dan Foley - A 47-year-old postal worker from Maine.

Dan "Danimal" Foley: If you wear jean shorts, I get the feeling that you might be a little bit overwhelmed by this whole "Survivor" thing.

Pros: He claims to be good with people because he's a landlord.

Cons: Almost everyone hates their landlord.

Kelly Remington - A 44-year-old state trooper from New York.

Much like those worthless instructions on shampoo bottles, Kelly Remington can forget the repeat part.

Pros: Kelly bragged about getting to use pepper spray, handcuffs, a night stick and a taser on people in her bio.

Cons: Survivor isn't Ferguson, Missouri.

Lindsey Cascaddan - A 24-year-old hairdresser from Florida.

Lindsey Cascaddan: I hate hairdressers, and I hate fitness girls, but something about this girl still intrigues me. 

Pros: Lindsey previously won a fitness competition.

Cons: Lindsey is a hairdresser, which really means that she's just a cool name away from being a stripper.

Mike Holloway - A 38-year old oil-driller from Texas.

Mike Holloway: 

Pros: Overcame being molested, bullied and not having a father as a child.

Cons: He doesn't realize that he's gay yet.

Rodney Lavoie, Jr. - A 24-year-old general contractor from Boston.

Rodney Lavoie, Jr. has the size and strength to be in a boy band. 

Pros: Claims that he was the captain of the all-Boston football and basketball teams back in high school. 

Cons: Every white guy from Boston brags about how athletic he is until ultimately being exposed as a fraud.

Sierra Dawn Thomas - A 27-year-old barrel racer from Utah.

Sierra Dawn Thomas: Apparently barrel riding is more exciting that I thought it was!

Pros: If there are any horses in the challenges, Sierra's going to own this season.

Cons: At 27-years old and still in college, Sierra must have failed her Mormon mission.


Hali Ford - A 25-year-old law student from San Francisco.

Hali Ford  is "law school" hot. 

Pros: Hali likes motorcycles and whatever comes her way, kind of like Steppenwolf.

Cons: I'm not quite sure how being a law student translates to being a "no-collar."

Jenn Brown - A 22-year-old sailing instructor from Long Beach, CA. 

Jenn Brown: Apparently being born rich makes you a "no collar." 

Pros: Jenn is a self proclaimed Survivor historian who sailed around the world on a whim.

Cons: You don't just sail around the world "on a whim" without a whole bunch of daddy's money.

Joe Anglim - A 25-year-old jewelry designer from Scottsdale, AZ

Joe Anglim is from Scottsdale, the douchebag capital of the west coast. 

Pros: Joe claims that he won a high school state championship in basketball, then went on to become a college indoor volleyball player.

Cons: Wallyball is not a real sport, unless you're a girl.

Nina Poersch - A 51-year-old hearing advocate from California. 

Nina Poersch: Being deaf doesn't explain why she ended up with this guy.

Pros: She overcame being deaf

Cons: She won't be able to hear if people are plotting against her.

Vince Sly - A 32-year-old coconut vendor from California.

No matter how much you loved your girlfriend, if you found out that she dated someone like Vince Sly you'd have to immediately break up with her because it shows an inherently fatal character flaw.

Pros: He's managed to travel to 32 different countries, which is surprising considering I doubt he can afford a passport.

Cons: If you're 32 and you're slinging coconuts for a living, you might might have a heroin problem. He also acknowledges and seems to take pride in the fact that he looks like Fabio.

Will Sims II - A 41-year-old YouTube sensation from California. 

Will Sims II became a YouTube sensation for being one of five black people to ever attend a pro hockey game. 

Pros: If Will likes hockey, maybe he can swim.

Cons: This guy is clearly going on the show to try and promote himself. 

Monday, February 23, 2015

The Bachelor Blog: "Oh shoot!"

The Fantasy Suite date week began with Chris and the remaining girls flying Iowa to Bali, and my guess is it wasn't a direct flight.

First up was Kaitlyn, who saw get Chris get raped and then peed on by a monkey.

Is that pee or pit stains? When Kaitlyn told Chris that the monkey had peed on him, he wisely stuck with her account. 

After forgetting to ask Kaitlyn how she'd possibly tolerate living in Iowa, Chris got down to business and invited her to the Fantasy Suite by noting, "I am extremely excited for this night not to end." 

First up for Kaitlyn's sloppy seconds was Whitney, whom Chris to sailing just like they would if they were married, only back in Iowa it would be in a customized John Deere tractor on a sea of corn instead of luxury yacht and the Indian Ocean.

That date also allowed Chris to take his shirt off and show Whitney how fat he had gotten, just to see if she was just in it for his body instead of his money.

The Chris Soules we see shirtless in this photo is not the Chris Soules we're seeing shirtless towards the end of this season on The Bachelor.

While Chris had his concerns about whether Whitney would be willing to give up her cushy job collecting sperm at a fertility clinic in Chicago in order to move to Iowa with him, she addressed them by saying that she was all but ready to quit her job and start having babies.

Then again, maybe that isn't the best idea.

That caused Chris to offer Whitney the opportunity to spend the night with him, which she gladly accepted with open legs.

Last up was Becca, who Chris took Becca on a date to see a local village's medium, who when asked what they could do to make their date perfect suggested, "making love," to which Chris excitedly replied, "I like this guy."

However, the medium turned out to be a fraud, as Becca was yet to tell Chris that she was still a virgin and saving herself for marriage, which meant that Chris only got a blowjob when she spent the night in the Fantasy Suite with him.

After the three Fantasy Suite dates, Chris seemed confused about who to send home saying, "The only difference between these three girls is that Whitney and Kaitlyn have both had sex with me," which seemingly served to answer his own question.

When Chris pulled Becca away to speak with her before handing out roses to the two finalists, Kaitlyn and Whitney started to get just a little too excited that they were moving on.

Or as Kaityln gushed, "If Chris is saying goodbye to Becca right now, it gives me a great deal of excitement to think about that next step for us...I feel good, I feel happy.

But when Chris came back with Becca hand in hand, all Kaitlyn could say was, "Oh Shoot."

Sure enough, Kaitlyn was the one who was sent home.

And while Kaitlyn didn't seem to understand how she could be going home after she slept with him just days earlier, Chris simply explained to her that he considered it to be her parting gift.

Kaitlyn was clearly devastated, saying, "I don't want to do this right now, I don't want to get in," as she stood in front of her taxi while sobbing on Chris' shoulder, which caused him to promptly open the door for any true gentleman.

Not realizing that there's a 99% chance that she'll be named the next Bachelorette with her good looks and witty personality, Kaitlyn felt shame saying, "It's the most humiliating moment of my whole fucking life"

Sunday, February 22, 2015

2015 Oscar Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Movies

Before I get started on my Eighth annual attempt at predicting the Oscar winners, let's start with some background information.

As I state each year, I don't watch, rent or download movies anymore.

I pretty much stopped watching them when Hollywood studios began trying to out “special effect” each other in order to overcompensate for bad writing and a lack of original ideas, or as I call it, "the George Lucas syndrome."

My formula for predicting the Academy Award winners despite not ever watching any movies is simple. I use a combination of word of mouth, movie trailers, movie posters, and my own personal analysis of how Hollywood works.

So without further ado, let's pay homage to the Academy's yearly event to honor Hollywood's finest child molesters like Roman Polanski, Woody Allen and John Goodman, and try to predict the 2015 Oscar winners.

Best Supporting Actor:

5. Edward Norton - Birdman: Edward Norton could honestly give the best acting performance in the history of all time, but nothing will ever make me un-see the the horrible fake dunk scene he filmed in American History X.

4. Robert Duvall - The Judge: Considering his performance in this movie, it should have been called The Mailman, because Duvall simply mailed this one in.

3. Mark Ruffalo - Foxcatcher: Mark Ruffalo's Twitter profile reads, "I'm a husband, father, actor, director, and climate change advocate." And considering that he's an advocate for changing the climate, I don't think that his conservative political beliefs will endear him to the liberal leaning Oscars panel.

2. J.K. Simmons - Whiplash: If there was a lifetime achievement award for supporting actors, J.K. Simmons would have already own it.

1. Ethan Hawke - Boyhood: Shot over the course of 12-years, Ethan Hawke was originally cast for his role in Boyhood when he was still considered a popular actor.

Best Supporting Actress:

5. Laura Dern Wild: Laura Dern has made a career off of looking like Meryl Streep, so call it karma if you will, but I think it's fitting that she'll be going up against Streep now that she's been nominated for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar.

4. Emma Stone Birdman: Go figure, Melanie Griffith's daughter grows up to make porn, and Sharon Stone's daughter grows up to make mainstream movies.

3. Keira Knightley - The Imitation Game: Not to give the ending away, but at the end of the movie Keira Knightley turns out to be a dude.

2. Patricia Arquette - Boyhood: Patricia Arquette is hoping to become the first transgendered actor to win an Oscar.

1. Meryl Streep - Into the Woods: Meryl Streep reprises her role as a privileged Emory University student who ventures off into the wilderness of Alaska in the sequel to Into the Wild.

Best Actor:

5. Bradley Cooper American Sniper: With all of his Oscar nominations in recent years, you'd think that Bradley Cooper was a good actor...However, you'd be wrong.

4. Eddie Redmayne - American Hustle: It's not really acting when you just sit in a chair sipping on a straw while letting a computer read your lines...It's still better than anything that Bradley Cooper has ever done, but it's still not acting.

3. Steve Carrell - Foxcatcher: From everything I've heard, Steve Carrell was absolutely hilarious in this movie.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch - The Imitation Game: Move over Leo, now there's something meatier. Benedict Cumberbatch and his legions of "Cumber-bitches" have taken over for Leonardo Dicaprio as America's sexiest actor never to have won an Oscar. Personally, I like the term "Cumber-bunnies" better.

1. Michael Keaton - Birdman: From what I've heard, Michael Keaton was brilliant in his portrayal of a an ex super hero actor who is not aging well in Birdman, which is loosely based on Val Kilmer's life.

Best Actress:

5. Marion Cotillard - Two Days, One Night: The big screen adaption of Two Girls, One Cup, which while hugely popular, is not quite what comes to mind when I think of Oscar worthy material.

4. Reese Witherspoon - Wild: Reese Witherspoon recently revealed that she thought she was too fat and too ugly for Hollywood. As it turns out, she was right.

3. Rosamund Pike - Gone Girl: Honestly, Rosamund Pike wasn't bad in Gone Girl, but she was still better in the book.

2. Julianne Moore - Still Alice: As a red-head, The Red Mieni truly appreciates a fake red-head like Julianne Moore writing children's books like Freckleface Strawberry to help us better adjust to a world run by blonds and brunettes. And by saying that I appreciate her, I mean that she's a pretentious bitch.

1. Felicity Jones - The Theory of Everything: Talk about having to carry a role, Felicity Jones was almost literally forced to carry an invalid in The Theory of Everything...The only thing that might have been tougher would have been playing a leading woman opposite Bradley Cooper.

Best Director:

This category would have been so much funnier to predict if only Woody Allen had been nominated.

Best Picture:

8. American Sniper: Seth Rogan is entitled to his opinion (Michael Moore isn't, because he's proven himself to be an idiot), but I'm pretty sure that our military snipers just aren't out there shooting random people. In fact, they're out there doing some pretty bad ass things (see the the shot on the Somali pirate while at sea by our Navy Seal sniper). Just don't ever make me watch another Bradley Cooper movie again and we'll call it even.

7. Whiplash: Like Star Wars, 50 Shades of Grey has apparently released it's series out of sequence.

6. Boyhood: Shot over the course of 12 years, not since The Lego Movie has a film taken longer to produce. Unfortunately, Boyhood was no Lego Movie.

5. Birdman: The Marvel superhero franchise is starting to slip a little. Even worse, Aquaman is scheduled to come out next year.

4. The Theory of Everything: So Steven Hawking can play himself on The Big Bang Theory, but not in a movie about his life?

3. The Grand Budapest Hotel: The inspirational story written by Stefan Zweig and Wes Anderson about white people living in Budapest...Think about it.

2. The Imitation Game: Hollywood and the Oscars love straight guys who play gay characters, and had Morten Tyldum casted a straight guy instead Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game might have won more honors at the Oscars!

1. Selma: At long last, Tyler Perry gets the recognition that he deserves!

Friday, February 20, 2015

2015 NASCAR Predictions from a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - "Because Tony Stewart and his fans can finally say that he won a fight"

The 2015 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the anticipation for the biggest race of the year. But lets forget about the Republican primaries for a week and talk about the god damn Daytona 500!

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact it brings to communities like Daytona Beach, when over 100,000 rabid fans come to town a couple of weekends a year just to watch the races...Roll Damn Tide!

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that comes in them fancy orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2015 Sprint Cup results.

I'm looking forward to the release of  Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s first sextape, "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies.

The big rule changes for the upcoming season involve a reduction in horsepower, a shorter rear spoiler, and the requirement that all drivers clip off the fake nut sacks attached to the trailer hitches attached to their respective rides so Danica doesn't feel sexually harassed.

To enforce these rule changes, NASCAR plans on administering more "under the hood" inspections than Emily Maynard underwent in the back of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s, trailer.

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2015 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their "Race for Diversity" program, NASCAR should be trying to push a team owner like Randy Moss and a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some type of affirmative action and give Darrell Wallace, Jr. a slight advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That way Wallace can play the role of a wresting heel, making black power speeches to the angry crowds every time he wins, and telling all the other drivers how much their wives and girlfriends want him. Let's call that team "Reparations Racing."

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity, and this year he'll to overcome the guilt of knowing that he intentionally killed racer Kevin Ward on the track when Ward tried to fight Stewart's truck. On the the plus side, Stewart and his fans can finally say that he won a fight.

Now that he's quit NASCAR's Dirt Track Series, Steward has announced plans that he will now be teaming with John Deere to launch a new NASCAR series aimed at a slightly less educated audience.

8. Kurt Busch - Speaking of fights, just this Friday, NASCAR announced that Kurt Busch would be suspended indefinitely for smashing his ex-girlfriends head against the wall of his motor home last September. As the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the park."

7. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions NASCAR's gay ambassador, a/k/a, "The Rainbow Warrior."

Jeff Gordon, modeling his new "Rainbow Warrior" logo. 

So it had to be embarrassing for a macho driver like Brad Keselowski when Gordon finally got so pissed off at his driving that he bitch slapped him after a race in Texas last year.

6. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking their stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, his race team, and NASCAR's President all staged an intervention asking him not to speak in public.

Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer...That seems about right.

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new rules for qualifying for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

At this point, I don't think there's anything you could tell me about the stupidity of a NASCAR fan that would shock me...In fact, I heard that after finishing a race and seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he licked this guy's stomach.

4. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his grandson, Austin Dillon, is kind of like Childress giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to an undeserving Dale Jr. just to keep sales and interest in the team alive.

Austin Dillon, looking pretty in pink: Let's just say that NASCAR has become less about your ability to drive, and more about about what your name is and how you look, and that's pissing purists like Danica Patrick off. 

3. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, and I quote, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

If legendary driver Dick Trickle could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers aren't athletes. 

Bowyer made news a few years back by asking a foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the confused reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany had people like that, but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

2. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has ran a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure a woman beat him in the marathon, but that should only help prepare him for the final result of this year's Sprint Cup standings.

If you pee on the home pregnancy test stick and numbers appear on your stomach, it means you got knocked up by a NASCAR driver.

1. Danica Patrick - You know that Danica Patrick is ready to race when she forcefully grabbed Kevin Hamlin and confronted him for spinning her out in what was only a Daytona 500 qualifying race. Of course, Hamlin blamed the incident on her for having a "loose rear end," which clearly means that Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. needs to challenge him to a fight in order to defend her honor.

By the way, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her a more appropriate sponsor like The View, IKEA, or Midol?

Danica Patrick has already proven that there isn't anything that a guy NASCAR driver can to do that she can't.

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Bachelor Blog: "I make corn, I can't imagine what it might be like to make babies."

The second part of the not so special "two day Bachelor event" began with Becca getting a 1-on-1 Date, who Chris took to a completely different part of Iowa.

Meanwhile, Britt informed Whitney and Carly that she was definitely going home before the Rose Ceremony.

However, Carly caught on to her ploy when Britt noted how she she wanted to talk to Chris about it first. "This is what I mean by five seconds later I hear something different...She wants him to beg, and if not, she's leaving him."

But when Chris announced that there would be no Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, Britt had no chance to corner him, so she had to disrupt the Rose Ceremony itself and ask to speak with him.

In what turned out to be a huge backfire, Chris scolded Britt for how she behaved, and he sent her home crying.

Upon Britt's departure, Carly, who ratted Britt out to Chris for her hatred of Iowa, gloated, "It's fun to watch Britt squirm, I don't feel bad for her at all...How does it feel?"

Funny enough though, Chris still decided to send somebody home at the Rose Ceremony, and that somebody was Carly.

That brought us straight into the Hometown Dates.

First up was Becca, and after spending a week in Iowa, the bayou in her hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana seemed like heaven on earth, almost in a Field of Dreams type of way.

Around Shreveport, and aside from Chris, apparently everyone was aware of the fact that Becca was still a virgin.

As for Becca Tilley's family, they all seemed embarrassed by her, and did their best to tell Chris that she was totally asexual. 

However, Chris proved them all wrong by making out with her on the ferris wheel at her local county fair.

Next up was Whitney, who took Chris to Chicago, but only because all of the family members from her real hometown in Kentucky were dead.

Instead of doing something fun in Chicago, Whitney decided to take Chris to see where she works as fertility nurse, which left him a bit overwhelmed by the extent of what .

"I make corn. I can't imagine what it might be like to make babies."

To make things even more uncomfortable, Whitney brought Chris into a room where she handed him a cup to take a "sample" of his man juice.

However, the joke was on Whitney Bischoff's when Chris noticed that his inspiration to make a "donation" was a Playboy with Jade Roper on the cover. 

Canada native Kaitlyn took Chris to a recording studio to record a reap, where they obviously met with 90's rap star Snow, and Chris proved that he had less rhythm than all of Nickelback.

Kaitlyn then introduced Chris to her father, Wayne Gretzky, and her step-father, Gordy Howe. She then surprised Chris with an electronic billboard that she rented out that read, "Kaitlyn hearts Chris."

Last up was Jade, who took Chris all the way to Nebraska just to show him her Playboy Playmate pictures.

However, it was slightly awkward when Chris went on and on about Jade's small town family values to her father, when all of her family not only knew, but was ashamed that she had posed for Playboy.

Even though Jade Roper told Chris that she had posed in Playboy, the most surprising part of their visit to her hometown was that Jade actually had a dad.

Jade finally told Chris that she was in Playboy by saying, "If you want, you know, I could show you some of the photos."

Being the gentleman he is, Chris replied, "This is about you. If it makes you more comfortable, then, sure."

Ultimately, Chris told Jade that he would only judge her for the person she is."

And fortunately for Chris Soules, Jade Elizabeth Roper is a dirty, dirty naked girl. 

However, that was apparently just a load of bullshit, as he went on to say, "I was waiting to see Jades' wild side and see her come out of her shell, and I saw her out of her shell, COMPLETELY out of her shell."

Or as Chris said, "She took her bottoms off."

And as all guys know and now have to accept, most girls have shown their titties in public from time to time, but taking your bottoms off is the dividing line.

In the end, Chris gave roses to Whitney, Kaitlyn and Becca...With Jade only getting a crumpled up Kleenex instead. And while it may have been just crusty enough to hold the shape of a rose, it wasn't a rose.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

The Bachelor Blog: "You have to pop out babies immediately, or you can't stay here."

This week began with a special "two day Bachelor event," which meant that ABC was dedicating roughly twenty-five percent of their weekly prime time slots to Bachelor related programming.

We began with "Chris Tells All," which really just turned out to be an hour of Chris Harrison, not Chris Soules, rehashing the seasons events.

Andi Dorfman also made an appearance to explain why she broke off her fake relationship with Bachelorette "winner" Josh Murray, and I'll be damned if Andi didn't put on a show to make herself really look as if she was heartbroken.

And "coincidentally," at the exact same time that Andi Dorfman decided to clear the air about her break-up with Josh, there just happens to be an opening on The View.

On to the first real two hour episode of the week, Chris surprised the girls by announcing that they'd be hopping a bus and traveling to his home state of Iowa.

But before she ever got to live the life of luxury, Chris sent Megan home due to a lack of chemistry.

The other girls all seemed really excited to make the trip...That is, until they got there.

To make things a little bit more tolerable, ABC and Chris put the girls up at the local Days Inn, which featured a pretty nice outdoor pool.

Jade got the first 1-on-1 Date, and went along with Chris to tour his corn and go to a local high school football game, where Jade got to meet all of the fat women that Chris went to school with.

After seeing where Chris lived, Jade tried to get up the nerve to tell Chris that she was in Playboy.

Then again, perhaps Jade Roper really just wanted Chris Soules to send her home right away.

However, after meeting Chris' parents, the closest she could come to telling Chris, was telling Carl, who was pretty much a guy.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Whitney, who being from Kentucky felt a little overwhelmed by being in the big city of Des Moines, where Chris took her to see some art...Or as the locals called it, "The Mad Potter."

Whitney seemed to win over Chris' three best friends over drinks before informing Chris that she no longer had any family for him to meet after her mom died during liposuction surgery.

Whitney Bischoff, formerly of Bluegrass Orthopedics, seems like a 50-year-old woman at heart...So she should feel right at home in Iowa.

Meanwhile, the other girls road tripped to Chris' hometown, which caused Britt to break down in tears.

Kaitlyn may have come up with the town's new slogan when she said joked that Arlington's town sign read, "You have to pop out babies immediately, or you can't stay here."

A 3-on-1 Group Date was announced for Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn, all of whom Chris took ice skating.

Britt admitted to Chris that she was having "a hard time maintaining that special feeling" after arriving in Iowa. She also confessed to her mom that she was feeling "not so fresh," mainly due to the fact that hasn't showered since being on the show.

Carly took her time with Chris to throw Britt under the bus for hating Iowa, which is never a good idea if you want to stay on the show, even if what you're saying is true.

Sure enough, Chris confronted Britt on her feelings about Iowa, which only lead to him making him out with her, like pretty much any other topic would have.

Kaitlyn actually spent her time with Chris talking about how she felt about him, and ended up getting the much coveted Group Date Rose. Meanwhile, Britt stewed in her juices, or possibly her own urine, knowing exactly what was happening.

Britt then proceeded to lose her shit over not getting the Group Date Rose, even causing the clear third wheel Carly to say, "It's so much better of an explosion then I could have ever possibly expected!"

Sure enough, the episode left off with Chris' decision on who went home pending...

Monday, February 9, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "There's something in the air, bitches be crazy."

This week we picked up with Kelsey's panic attack already in progress.

And before I go on, I do need to apologize for insinuating in last week's post that Kelsey Poe might have killed her ex-husband Sanderson Poe...because it's pretty clear now that he killed himself just to get away from her.

The other girls were not amused with Kelsey or her panic attack, as they all thought, or in this case, realized, that she was just faking an illness because she knew she was in jeopardy of being sent home

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she quipped, "There is something in the air, bitches be crazy."

Fortunately, Kelsey recovered enough to mumble through her oxygen mask, "He's going to give me a rose tonight, for sure!"

And by the time Kelsey made light of the fact that Chris cancelled the Cocktail Party on her behalf by saying, "Is it just me, or do I feel like I got dressed up for nothing? These puppies don't come out every day," all bets were off.

Or as Kaitlyn asked, "Why is Kelsey still here...I wanted to punch her right in the teeth-holder," and Carly said, "Kelsey is a black widow."

In the end, Mackenzie and Samantha were sent home, but this time it was at the beginning of an episode.

Downgrading from New Mexico due to budget constraints, Chris moved the girls to the Deadwood Ranch in South Dakota.

That caused Carly to say, "I'm here at the Deadwood Mountain Ranch, and I'm with eight wonderful charming women...and Kelsey will be here also."

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Becca via a date card that read, "Let's give love a shot."

And while it's nearly impossible to have a truly glamorous Bachelor style date in South Dakota, Becca, maybe the most down to earth girl in the house, seemed perfectly happy just bonding with Chris over a camp fire.

That lead to Becca getting a Rose, as well as her first kiss from Chris.

However, being one of the two "virgins" on the show, Becca was worried that her father would see it on TV...The kiss that is, not the rose. or whatever it is Ashley I. does with guys.

If Ashley Iaconatti is what All-American virgin girls look like, I think I'll stick with the sluts. 

The Group Date had the girls write a country song for Chris, but with the help of country music stars Big and Rich.

 In honor of being on The Bachelor, Big and Rich left their black guy at home. 

Jade seemed to struggle with writing a song for Chris saying, "It's hard for me to do something I'm not really good at."

I'm getting mixed signals from Jade Elizabeth, Jade Roper, or whatever the fuck her name really is...While she seems like the sweetest girl on the show, she also seems to have done more than just a one time thing with Playboy when it comes to posing naked. 

In the end, Jade was ultimately inspired by having to watch Chris make out with Britt, and won some extra time with him for writing the best song.

However, it was Chris and Britt who snuck off to the Big and Rich concert, where Chris ended up giving Britt the much coveted Group Date Rose on stage as Big and Rich serenaded them to with, "Save a horse, ride a farm boy."

While most of the girls were pissed off that the Group Date just turned out to be a 1-on-1 Date for Chris and Britt in front of the other girls, Whitney was just butt hurt that Britt got to see Big and Rich even though she wasn't a country music fan.

On to the main event, which was billed as a much anticipated a 2-on-1 Date between the "Slutty Virgin," Ashley I., and "The Black Widow," Kelsey.

And you knew the date was big when the Producers brought in the Batch-Copter to take the girls Mount Rushmore, where it was just Chris, Kelsey, and Ashley I.

Chris started off strong by taking Ashley I. off to the side and making out with her.

However, Ashley I. made the worst mistake a Bachelor contestant can make, and that's bringing up your competition, as Ashley I. told Chris that she and the other girls thought Kelsey was fake just when things seemed to be going great between the two of them.

And just as Ashley I. threw Kelsey under the bus, Chris threw Ashley I. under the bus by telling Kelsey exactly what Ashley I. had said about her.

Sure enough, that caused Kelsey's last rational gene, if she had one, to turn female in a hurry.

"This is a game to her, She's a Kardashian, who didn't get to go on a princess date, who has way too much make-up on to be genuine."

The best part was that Kelsey actually then had to go back and hang out with Ashley I. alone, which, as you may have guessed, was totally awesome.

That alone time began with Kelsey giving Ashley I the stink eye before passive aggressively saying, "I know what you did, and I do not appreciate it."

After briefly trying to cover up what she said, Ashley I. had enough and finally blurted, "I'm sorry, I'm not from Pleasantville, I'm from 2014!"

And after Ashely I. stormed off in tears, she ran into Chris and demanded to know why he sold her out by asking, "Why did you tell her what I said to you?"

In trying to console Ashely I., Chris told her that he couldn't give her lifestyle that she wanted as a way of telling her that he was sending her home, which caused her melt down even further.

However, in a surprise, Chris also sent Kelsey home, telling her that he was 100% into it, who was surprisingly cool about it.

And when the other girls saw that Kelsey's bags were being removed from the room, someone yelled out, "Chris is so smart," as they began pouring champagne.

Chris then boarded the Batch-Copter, leaving Ashley I. and Kelsey alone in the hills of South Dakota to fend for themselves or die.