Thursday, February 26, 2015

Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - Meet the Cast



Survivor - Worlds Apart is upon us, which means that we are looking at the most diverse cross section of attorneys, law enforcement officers, and beauty queens/models that California, New York and Florida have to offer.

Twists this season include tribes being divided between "white collar," "blue collar," and "no collar" players. Jeff Probst is also promising another "new advantage in the game," but I guess we won't know that is until the show actually airs.

Perhaps the best news of all was is there's no returning players this season, which must mean that Russell Hantz and the rest of his family are either in jail or still recovering from the start of the NASCAR season.

Actually, I'm pretty relieved that CBS did not cast another member of the Hantz klan (and when I use the term klan, I mean it literally), because we're about one or two more of them away from having enough of those little inbred rednecks to form their own damn tribe called "Oompa Loompa."

Fortunately, we're safe from having to experience that reality show...At least for now.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

THE WHITE COLLARS

Carolyn Rivera - A 52-year-old corporate executive from Tampa Bay.

Carolyn Rivera: There's a certain age where you just need to stop wearing a spray tan.

Pros: She's in relatively good shape, at least for her age.

Cons: She's old, she's a type-A personality, and she's originally from Queens...She won't last long.

Joaquin Souberbielle - A 27-year-old marketing director from New York.

Joaquin Souberbielle: There's no sex in the champagne room...Or the tribe's shelter.

Pros: Joaquin announced in his bio that he's "Taking his talents to Survivor," which obviously worked out well for LeBron James.

Cons: He's a white guy with an Asian tattoo on his side, which is the barbed wire/Native American armband of the new millennium.

Max Dawson - A 37-year-old media consultant from California.

Max Dawson - The "Ph.D. stands for Douchebag of Philosophy.

Pros: He once taught a class on Survivor at Northwestern University, so he obviously knows the game.

Cons: He insists on putting the title "Ph.D. after his name, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about him.

Shirin Oskooi - A 31-year-old Yahoo! executive from San Francisco

Shirin Oskooi: This is what happens when society enacts "anti-bullying" laws. 

Pros: Her claim to fame is helping make the Yahoo! Calendar the No. 1 online calendar.

Cons: This is Survivor, not a make believe world like it is working at Yahoo! or Google.

So Kim - A 31-year-old retail buyer from Long Beach, CA.

So Kim recently divorced her husband and went on Survivor.

Pros: So just got divorced last year, so she's clearly has something to prove to her ex by going on the show.

Cons: So is the most likely candidate to screw up her game by hooking up on the show.

Tyler Fredrickson - A 33-year-old ex-talent agent assistant from Los Angeles.

Tyler Fredrickson: Everyone knows that Bill Parcells just loved kickers!

Pros: Tyler once kicked the game winning field goal for Cal against then No. 3 USC on national TV.

Cons: He's tried out seven different professional football teams, but never made it in the NFL.

THE BLUE COLLARS

Dan Foley - A 47-year-old postal worker from Maine.

Dan "Danimal" Foley: If you wear jean shorts, I get the feeling that you might be a little bit overwhelmed by this whole "Survivor" thing.

Pros: He claims to be good with people because he's a landlord.

Cons: Almost everyone hates their landlord.

Kelly Remington - A 44-year-old state trooper from New York.

Much like those worthless instructions on shampoo bottles, Kelly Remington can forget the repeat part.

Pros: Kelly bragged about getting to use pepper spray, handcuffs, a night stick and a taser on people in her bio.

Cons: Survivor isn't Ferguson, Missouri.

Lindsey Cascaddan - A 24-year-old hairdresser from Florida.

Lindsey Cascaddan: I hate hairdressers, and I hate fitness girls, but something about this girl still intrigues me. 

Pros: Lindsey previously won a fitness competition.

Cons: Lindsey is a hairdresser, which really means that she's just a cool name away from being a stripper.

Mike Holloway - A 38-year old oil-driller from Texas.

Mike Holloway: 

Pros: Overcame being molested, bullied and not having a father as a child.

Cons: He doesn't realize that he's gay yet.

Rodney Lavoie, Jr. - A 24-year-old general contractor from Boston.

Rodney Lavoie, Jr. has the size and strength to be in a boy band. 

Pros: Claims that he was the captain of the all-Boston football and basketball teams back in high school. 

Cons: Every white guy from Boston brags about how athletic he is until ultimately being exposed as a fraud.

Sierra Dawn Thomas - A 27-year-old barrel racer from Utah.

Sierra Dawn Thomas: Apparently barrel riding is more exciting that I thought it was!

Pros: If there are any horses in the challenges, Sierra's going to own this season.

Cons: At 27-years old and still in college, Sierra must have failed her Mormon mission.

THE NO COLLARS

Hali Ford - A 25-year-old law student from San Francisco.

Hali Ford  is "law school" hot. 

Pros: Hali likes motorcycles and whatever comes her way, kind of like Steppenwolf.

Cons: I'm not quite sure how being a law student translates to being a "no-collar."

Jenn Brown - A 22-year-old sailing instructor from Long Beach, CA. 

Jenn Brown: Apparently being born rich makes you a "no collar." 

Pros: Jenn is a self proclaimed Survivor historian who sailed around the world on a whim.

Cons: You don't just sail around the world "on a whim" without a whole bunch of daddy's money.

Joe Anglim - A 25-year-old jewelry designer from Scottsdale, AZ

Joe Anglim is from Scottsdale, the douchebag capital of the west coast. 

Pros: Joe claims that he won a high school state championship in basketball, then went on to become a college indoor volleyball player.

Cons: Wallyball is not a real sport, unless you're a girl.

Nina Poersch - A 51-year-old hearing advocate from California. 

Nina Poersch: Being deaf doesn't explain why she ended up with this guy.

Pros: She overcame being deaf

Cons: She won't be able to hear if people are plotting against her.

Vince Sly - A 32-year-old coconut vendor from California.

No matter how much you loved your girlfriend, if you found out that she dated someone like Vince Sly you'd have to immediately break up with her because it shows an inherently fatal character flaw.

Pros: He's managed to travel to 32 different countries, which is surprising considering I doubt he can afford a passport.

Cons: If you're 32 and you're slinging coconuts for a living, you might might have a heroin problem. He also acknowledges and seems to take pride in the fact that he looks like Fabio.

Will Sims II - A 41-year-old YouTube sensation from California. 

Will Sims II became a YouTube sensation for being one of five black people to ever attend a pro hockey game. 

Pros: If Will likes hockey, maybe he can swim.

Cons: This guy is clearly going on the show to try and promote himself. 

Monday, February 23, 2015

The Bachelor Blog: "Oh shoot!"




The Fantasy Suite date week began with Chris and the remaining girls flying Iowa to Bali, and my guess is it wasn't a direct flight.

First up was Kaitlyn, who saw get Chris get raped and then peed on by a monkey.


Is that pee or pit stains? When Kaitlyn told Chris that the monkey had peed on him, he wisely stuck with her account. 

After forgetting to ask Kaitlyn how she'd possibly tolerate living in Iowa, Chris got down to business and invited her to the Fantasy Suite by noting, "I am extremely excited for this night not to end." 

First up for Kaitlyn's sloppy seconds was Whitney, whom Chris to sailing just like they would if they were married, only back in Iowa it would be in a customized John Deere tractor on a sea of corn instead of luxury yacht and the Indian Ocean.

That date also allowed Chris to take his shirt off and show Whitney how fat he had gotten, just to see if she was just in it for his body instead of his money.

The Chris Soules we see shirtless in this photo is not the Chris Soules we're seeing shirtless towards the end of this season on The Bachelor.

While Chris had his concerns about whether Whitney would be willing to give up her cushy job collecting sperm at a fertility clinic in Chicago in order to move to Iowa with him, she addressed them by saying that she was all but ready to quit her job and start having babies.

Then again, maybe that isn't the best idea.

That caused Chris to offer Whitney the opportunity to spend the night with him, which she gladly accepted with open legs.

Last up was Becca, who Chris took Becca on a date to see a local village's medium, who when asked what they could do to make their date perfect suggested, "making love," to which Chris excitedly replied, "I like this guy."

However, the medium turned out to be a fraud, as Becca was yet to tell Chris that she was still a virgin and saving herself for marriage, which meant that Chris only got a blowjob when she spent the night in the Fantasy Suite with him.

After the three Fantasy Suite dates, Chris seemed confused about who to send home saying, "The only difference between these three girls is that Whitney and Kaitlyn have both had sex with me," which seemingly served to answer his own question.

When Chris pulled Becca away to speak with her before handing out roses to the two finalists, Kaitlyn and Whitney started to get just a little too excited that they were moving on.

Or as Kaityln gushed, "If Chris is saying goodbye to Becca right now, it gives me a great deal of excitement to think about that next step for us...I feel good, I feel happy.

But when Chris came back with Becca hand in hand, all Kaitlyn could say was, "Oh Shoot."

Sure enough, Kaitlyn was the one who was sent home.

And while Kaitlyn didn't seem to understand how she could be going home after she slept with him just days earlier, Chris simply explained to her that he considered it to be her parting gift.

Kaitlyn was clearly devastated, saying, "I don't want to do this right now, I don't want to get in," as she stood in front of her taxi while sobbing on Chris' shoulder, which caused him to promptly open the door for her...like any true gentleman.

Not realizing that there's a 99% chance that she'll be named the next Bachelorette with her good looks and witty personality, Kaitlyn felt shame saying, "It's the most humiliating moment of my whole fucking life"

Sunday, February 22, 2015

2015 Oscar Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Movies




Before I get started on my Eighth annual attempt at predicting the Oscar winners, let's start with some background information.

As I state each year, I don't watch, rent or download movies anymore.

I pretty much stopped watching them when Hollywood studios began trying to out “special effect” each other in order to overcompensate for bad writing and a lack of original ideas, or as I call it, "the George Lucas syndrome."

My formula for predicting the Academy Award winners despite not ever watching any movies is simple. I use a combination of word of mouth, movie trailers, movie posters, and my own personal analysis of how Hollywood works.

So without further ado, let's pay homage to the Academy's yearly event to honor Hollywood's finest child molesters like Roman Polanski, Woody Allen and John Goodman, and try to predict the 2015 Oscar winners.

Best Supporting Actor:

5. Edward Norton - Birdman: Edward Norton could honestly give the best acting performance in the history of all time, but nothing will ever make me un-see the the horrible fake dunk scene he filmed in American History X.


4. Robert Duvall - The Judge: Considering his performance in this movie, it should have been called The Mailman, because Duvall simply mailed this one in.

3. Mark Ruffalo - Foxcatcher: Mark Ruffalo's Twitter profile reads, "I'm a husband, father, actor, director, and climate change advocate." And considering that he's an advocate for changing the climate, I don't think that his conservative political beliefs will endear him to the liberal leaning Oscars panel.

2. J.K. Simmons - Whiplash: If there was a lifetime achievement award for supporting actors, J.K. Simmons would have already own it.

1. Ethan Hawke - Boyhood: Shot over the course of 12-years, Ethan Hawke was originally cast for his role in Boyhood when he was still considered a popular actor.

Best Supporting Actress:

5. Laura Dern Wild: Laura Dern has made a career off of looking like Meryl Streep, so call it karma if you will, but I think it's fitting that she'll be going up against Streep now that she's been nominated for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar.

4. Emma Stone Birdman: Go figure, Melanie Griffith's daughter grows up to make porn, and Sharon Stone's daughter grows up to make mainstream movies.

3. Keira Knightley - The Imitation Game: Not to give the ending away, but at the end of the movie Keira Knightley turns out to be a dude.

2. Patricia Arquette - Boyhood: Patricia Arquette is hoping to become the first transgendered actor to win an Oscar.

1. Meryl Streep - Into the Woods: Meryl Streep reprises her role as a privileged Emory University student who ventures off into the wilderness of Alaska in the sequel to Into the Wild.

Best Actor:

5. Bradley Cooper American Sniper: With all of his Oscar nominations in recent years, you'd think that Bradley Cooper was a good actor...However, you'd be wrong.

4. Eddie Redmayne - American Hustle: It's not really acting when you just sit in a chair sipping on a straw while letting a computer read your lines...It's still better than anything that Bradley Cooper has ever done, but it's still not acting.

3. Steve Carrell - Foxcatcher: From everything I've heard, Steve Carrell was absolutely hilarious in this movie.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch - The Imitation Game: Move over Leo, now there's something meatier. Benedict Cumberbatch and his legions of "Cumber-bitches" have taken over for Leonardo Dicaprio as America's sexiest actor never to have won an Oscar. Personally, I like the term "Cumber-bunnies" better.

1. Michael Keaton - Birdman: From what I've heard, Michael Keaton was brilliant in his portrayal of a an ex super hero actor who is not aging well in Birdman, which is loosely based on Val Kilmer's life.

Best Actress:

5. Marion Cotillard - Two Days, One Night: The big screen adaption of Two Girls, One Cup, which while hugely popular, is not quite what comes to mind when I think of Oscar worthy material.

4. Reese Witherspoon - Wild: Reese Witherspoon recently revealed that she thought she was too fat and too ugly for Hollywood. As it turns out, she was right.

3. Rosamund Pike - Gone Girl: Honestly, Rosamund Pike wasn't bad in Gone Girl, but she was still better in the book.

2. Julianne Moore - Still Alice: As a red-head, The Red Mieni truly appreciates a fake red-head like Julianne Moore writing children's books like Freckleface Strawberry to help us better adjust to a world run by blonds and brunettes. And by saying that I appreciate her, I mean that she's a pretentious bitch.

1. Felicity Jones - The Theory of Everything: Talk about having to carry a role, Felicity Jones was almost literally forced to carry an invalid in The Theory of Everything...The only thing that might have been tougher would have been playing a leading woman opposite Bradley Cooper.

Best Director:

This category would have been so much funnier to predict if only Woody Allen had been nominated.

Best Picture:

8. American Sniper: Seth Rogan is entitled to his opinion (Michael Moore isn't, because he's proven himself to be an idiot), but I'm pretty sure that our military snipers just aren't out there shooting random people. In fact, they're out there doing some pretty bad ass things (see the the shot on the Somali pirate while at sea by our Navy Seal sniper). Just don't ever make me watch another Bradley Cooper movie again and we'll call it even.

7. Whiplash: Like Star Wars, 50 Shades of Grey has apparently released it's series out of sequence.

6. Boyhood: Shot over the course of 12 years, not since The Lego Movie has a film taken longer to produce. Unfortunately, Boyhood was no Lego Movie.

5. Birdman: The Marvel superhero franchise is starting to slip a little. Even worse, Aquaman is scheduled to come out next year.

4. The Theory of Everything: So Steven Hawking can play himself on The Big Bang Theory, but not in a movie about his life?

3. The Grand Budapest Hotel: The inspirational story written by Stefan Zweig and Wes Anderson about white people living in Budapest...Think about it.

2. The Imitation Game: Hollywood and the Oscars love straight guys who play gay characters, and had Morten Tyldum casted a straight guy instead Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game might have won more honors at the Oscars!

1. Selma: At long last, Tyler Perry gets the recognition that he deserves!

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Bachelor Blog: "I make corn, I can't imagine what it might be like to make babies."




The second part of the not so special "two day Bachelor event" began with Becca getting a 1-on-1 Date, who Chris took to a completely different part of Iowa.

Meanwhile, Britt informed Whitney and Carly that she was definitely going home before the Rose Ceremony.

However, Carly caught on to her ploy when Britt noted how she she wanted to talk to Chris about it first. "This is what I mean by five seconds later I hear something different...She wants him to beg, and if not, she's leaving him."

But when Chris announced that there would be no Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, Britt had no chance to corner him, so she had to disrupt the Rose Ceremony itself and ask to speak with him.

In what turned out to be a huge backfire, Chris scolded Britt for how she behaved, and he sent her home crying.

Upon Britt's departure, Carly, who ratted Britt out to Chris for her hatred of Iowa, gloated, "It's fun to watch Britt squirm, I don't feel bad for her at all...How does it feel?"

Funny enough though, Chris still decided to send somebody home at the Rose Ceremony, and that somebody was Carly.

That brought us straight into the Hometown Dates.

First up was Becca, and after spending a week in Iowa, the bayou in her hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana seemed like heaven on earth, almost in a Field of Dreams type of way.

Around Shreveport, and aside from Chris, apparently everyone was aware of the fact that Becca was still a virgin.

As for Becca Tilley's family, they all seemed embarrassed by her, and did their best to tell Chris that she was totally asexual. 

However, Chris proved them all wrong by making out with her on the ferris wheel at her local county fair.

Next up was Whitney, who took Chris to Chicago, but only because all of the family members from her real hometown in Kentucky were dead.

Instead of doing something fun in Chicago, Whitney decided to take Chris to see where she works as fertility nurse, which left him a bit overwhelmed by the extent of what .

"I make corn. I can't imagine what it might be like to make babies."

To make things even more uncomfortable, Whitney brought Chris into a room where she handed him a cup to take a "sample" of his man juice.

However, the joke was on Whitney Bischoff's when Chris noticed that his inspiration to make a "donation" was a Playboy with Jade Roper on the cover. 

Canada native Kaitlyn took Chris to a recording studio to record a reap, where they obviously met with 90's rap star Snow, and Chris proved that he had less rhythm than all of Nickelback.

Kaitlyn then introduced Chris to her father, Wayne Gretzky, and her step-father, Gordy Howe. She then surprised Chris with an electronic billboard that she rented out that read, "Kaitlyn hearts Chris."

Last up was Jade, who took Chris all the way to Nebraska just to show him her Playboy Playmate pictures.

However, it was slightly awkward when Chris went on and on about Jade's small town family values to her father, when all of her family not only knew, but was ashamed that she had posed for Playboy.

Even though Jade Roper told Chris that she had posed in Playboy, the most surprising part of their visit to her hometown was that Jade actually had a dad.

Jade finally told Chris that she was in Playboy by saying, "If you want, you know, I could show you some of the photos."

Being the gentleman he is, Chris replied, "This is about you. If it makes you more comfortable, then, sure."

Ultimately, Chris told Jade that he would only judge her for the person she is."

And fortunately for Chris Soules, Jade Elizabeth Roper is a dirty, dirty naked girl. 


However, that was apparently just a load of bullshit, as he went on to say, "I was waiting to see Jades' wild side and see her come out of her shell, and I saw her out of her shell, COMPLETELY out of her shell."

Or as Chris said, "She took her bottoms off."

And as all guys know and now have to accept, most girls have shown their titties in public from time to time, but taking your bottoms off is the dividing line.

In the end, Chris gave roses to Whitney, Kaitlyn and Becca...With Jade only getting a crumpled up Kleenex instead. And while it may have been just crusty enough to hold the shape of a rose, it wasn't a rose.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

The Bachelor Blog: "You have to pop out babies immediately, or you can't stay here."




This week began with a special "two day Bachelor event," which meant that ABC was dedicating roughly twenty-five percent of their weekly prime time slots to Bachelor related programming.

We began with "Chris Tells All," which really just turned out to be an hour of Chris Harrison, not Chris Soules, rehashing the seasons events.

Andi Dorfman also made an appearance to explain why she broke off her fake relationship with Bachelorette "winner" Josh Murray, and I'll be damned if Andi didn't put on a show to make herself really look as if she was heartbroken.

And "coincidentally," at the exact same time that Andi Dorfman decided to clear the air about her break-up with Josh, there just happens to be an opening on The View.

On to the first real two hour episode of the week, Chris surprised the girls by announcing that they'd be hopping a bus and traveling to his home state of Iowa.

But before she ever got to live the life of luxury, Chris sent Megan home due to a lack of chemistry.

The other girls all seemed really excited to make the trip...That is, until they got there.

To make things a little bit more tolerable, ABC and Chris put the girls up at the local Days Inn, which featured a pretty nice outdoor pool.

Jade got the first 1-on-1 Date, and went along with Chris to tour his corn and go to a local high school football game, where Jade got to meet all of the fat women that Chris went to school with.

After seeing where Chris lived, Jade tried to get up the nerve to tell Chris that she was in Playboy.

Then again, perhaps Jade Roper really just wanted Chris Soules to send her home right away.

However, after meeting Chris' parents, the closest she could come to telling Chris, was telling Carl, who was pretty much a guy.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Whitney, who being from Kentucky felt a little overwhelmed by being in the big city of Des Moines, where Chris took her to see some art...Or as the locals called it, "The Mad Potter."

Whitney seemed to win over Chris' three best friends over drinks before informing Chris that she no longer had any family for him to meet after her mom died during liposuction surgery.

Whitney Bischoff, formerly of Bluegrass Orthopedics, seems like a 50-year-old woman at heart...So she should feel right at home in Iowa.

Meanwhile, the other girls road tripped to Chris' hometown, which caused Britt to break down in tears.

Kaitlyn may have come up with the town's new slogan when she said joked that Arlington's town sign read, "You have to pop out babies immediately, or you can't stay here."

A 3-on-1 Group Date was announced for Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn, all of whom Chris took ice skating.

Britt admitted to Chris that she was having "a hard time maintaining that special feeling" after arriving in Iowa. She also confessed to her mom that she was feeling "not so fresh," mainly due to the fact that hasn't showered since being on the show.

Carly took her time with Chris to throw Britt under the bus for hating Iowa, which is never a good idea if you want to stay on the show, even if what you're saying is true.

Sure enough, Chris confronted Britt on her feelings about Iowa, which only lead to him making him out with her, like pretty much any other topic would have.

Kaitlyn actually spent her time with Chris talking about how she felt about him, and ended up getting the much coveted Group Date Rose. Meanwhile, Britt stewed in her juices, or possibly her own urine, knowing exactly what was happening.

Britt then proceeded to lose her shit over not getting the Group Date Rose, even causing the clear third wheel Carly to say, "It's so much better of an explosion then I could have ever possibly expected!"

Sure enough, the episode left off with Chris' decision on who went home pending...

Monday, February 9, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "There's something in the air, bitches be crazy."




This week we picked up with Kelsey's panic attack already in progress.

And before I go on, I do need to apologize for insinuating in last week's post that Kelsey Poe might have killed her ex-husband Sanderson Poe...because it's pretty clear now that he killed himself just to get away from her.

The other girls were not amused with Kelsey or her panic attack, as they all thought, or in this case, realized, that she was just faking an illness because she knew she was in jeopardy of being sent home

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she quipped, "There is something in the air, bitches be crazy."

Fortunately, Kelsey recovered enough to mumble through her oxygen mask, "He's going to give me a rose tonight, for sure!"

And by the time Kelsey made light of the fact that Chris cancelled the Cocktail Party on her behalf by saying, "Is it just me, or do I feel like I got dressed up for nothing? These puppies don't come out every day," all bets were off.

Or as Kaitlyn asked, "Why is Kelsey still here...I wanted to punch her right in the teeth-holder," and Carly said, "Kelsey is a black widow."

In the end, Mackenzie and Samantha were sent home, but this time it was at the beginning of an episode.

Downgrading from New Mexico due to budget constraints, Chris moved the girls to the Deadwood Ranch in South Dakota.

That caused Carly to say, "I'm here at the Deadwood Mountain Ranch, and I'm with eight wonderful charming women...and Kelsey will be here also."

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Becca via a date card that read, "Let's give love a shot."

And while it's nearly impossible to have a truly glamorous Bachelor style date in South Dakota, Becca, maybe the most down to earth girl in the house, seemed perfectly happy just bonding with Chris over a camp fire.

That lead to Becca getting a Rose, as well as her first kiss from Chris.

However, being one of the two "virgins" on the show, Becca was worried that her father would see it on TV...The kiss that is, not the rose. or whatever it is Ashley I. does with guys.

If Ashley Iaconatti is what All-American virgin girls look like, I think I'll stick with the sluts. 

The Group Date had the girls write a country song for Chris, but with the help of country music stars Big and Rich.

 In honor of being on The Bachelor, Big and Rich left their black guy at home. 

Jade seemed to struggle with writing a song for Chris saying, "It's hard for me to do something I'm not really good at."

I'm getting mixed signals from Jade Elizabeth, Jade Roper, or whatever the fuck her name really is...While she seems like the sweetest girl on the show, she also seems to have done more than just a one time thing with Playboy when it comes to posing naked. 

In the end, Jade was ultimately inspired by having to watch Chris make out with Britt, and won some extra time with him for writing the best song.

However, it was Chris and Britt who snuck off to the Big and Rich concert, where Chris ended up giving Britt the much coveted Group Date Rose on stage as Big and Rich serenaded them to with, "Save a horse, ride a farm boy."

While most of the girls were pissed off that the Group Date just turned out to be a 1-on-1 Date for Chris and Britt in front of the other girls, Whitney was just butt hurt that Britt got to see Big and Rich even though she wasn't a country music fan.

On to the main event, which was billed as a much anticipated a 2-on-1 Date between the "Slutty Virgin," Ashley I., and "The Black Widow," Kelsey.

And you knew the date was big when the Producers brought in the Batch-Copter to take the girls Mount Rushmore, where it was just Chris, Kelsey, and Ashley I.

Chris started off strong by taking Ashley I. off to the side and making out with her.

However, Ashley I. made the worst mistake a Bachelor contestant can make, and that's bringing up your competition, as Ashley I. told Chris that she and the other girls thought Kelsey was fake just when things seemed to be going great between the two of them.

And just as Ashley I. threw Kelsey under the bus, Chris threw Ashley I. under the bus by telling Kelsey exactly what Ashley I. had said about her.

Sure enough, that caused Kelsey's last rational gene, if she had one, to turn female in a hurry.

"This is a game to her, She's a Kardashian, who didn't get to go on a princess date, who has way too much make-up on to be genuine."

The best part was that Kelsey actually then had to go back and hang out with Ashley I. alone, which, as you may have guessed, was totally awesome.

That alone time began with Kelsey giving Ashley I the stink eye before passive aggressively saying, "I know what you did, and I do not appreciate it."

After briefly trying to cover up what she said, Ashley I. had enough and finally blurted, "I'm sorry, I'm not from Pleasantville, I'm from 2014!"

And after Ashely I. stormed off in tears, she ran into Chris and demanded to know why he sold her out by asking, "Why did you tell her what I said to you?"

In trying to console Ashely I., Chris told her that he couldn't give her lifestyle that she wanted as a way of telling her that he was sending her home, which caused her melt down even further.

However, in a surprise, Chris also sent Kelsey home, telling her that he was 100% into it, who was surprisingly cool about it.

And when the other girls saw that Kelsey's bags were being removed from the room, someone yelled out, "Chris is so smart," as they began pouring champagne.

Chris then boarded the Batch-Copter, leaving Ashley I. and Kelsey alone in the hills of South Dakota to fend for themselves or die.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

2015 Post Super Bowl NFL Mock Draft




Here is my Post Super Bowl 2015 NFL Mock Draft. It will be followed by regular updates up until the NFL Draft on April 30th.

My mock draft has been linked by The Football Fan Spot, Sports Jabber, DC Pro Sports ReportWalter Football, FF Toolbox, hailRedskins.com, The Football ExpertFantasy Football Help Desk, The Huddle Report, Niners Nation, EDS Football, NFL Mock Draft Central and NFL Pro Zach in their Mock Draft Databases.

1st Round

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State:

Should the Buccaneers play it safe with Marcus Mariota, or go with the more talented Jameis Winston?

Tampa Bay has their choice between the consensus top two quarterbacks in the draft. Coming from a pro-style offense and possessing the stronger arm, Jameis Winston has the edge between the sidelines. With higher character and better decision making on and off the field, Marcus Mariota has the edge between the ear holes. When in doubt, NFL GM's selecting at the top of the draft typically go with the stronger arm.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (projected trade with Tennessee) – Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon:

Will the Titans trade out of the No. 2 spot?

There's no question that Chip Kelly would like to have a mobile quarterback like Marcus Mariota to run his full offensive system. Now that he has a greater say in the Eagles' personnel decisions, he has the power and the luxury to make a move and get his guy.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Randy Gregory, DE, Nebraska: 

Which top DE will the Jaguars select in the 1st Round?

With multiple teams vying for position to select one of the top two quarterbacks, things line up perfectly for the Jaguars to either trade out of the No. 3 spot for more picks, or select the best non-QB in this year's draft. Randy Gregory of Nebraska is the draft's best outside pass rusher, which gives him greater value to Jacksonville than Leonard Williams of USC, who while being the more complete player, is less of a playmaker.

4. Oakland Raiders - Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama: 

Does anyone in the Raiders' front office even know when the draft is? 

The Raiders began the slow process of trying to build a nucleus for the future through last year's draft, but still lack a competent GM to follow through with that plan. Not only was Amari Cooper college football's best receiver last season, but Derek Carr and the Raiders desperately need an elite go-to receiver. If Cooper even comes close to delivering on his promise to run a sub 4.4 forty yard dash at the Scouting Combine, he'll easily propel himself into the top five. The only question is whether Reggie McKenzie is smart enough to select him. 

5. Washington Pigskins - Leonard Williams, DE, USC:

Which top pass rusher will fall to the Pigskins?

An ideal fit at the 5-technique in a 3-4 defense, Leonard Williams of USC would give the Pigskins a dual threat as a run stuffer as well as a pass rusher in the mold of J.J. Watt. And while this pick might seem like a no-brainer, Pigskin fans probably won't rest until the team officially passes on Bryce Petty. 

6. New York Jets – Shane Ray, OLB/DE, Missouri: 


Will the Jets draft a quarterback in the 1st Round?

While the Jets need to find a quarterback before the franchise goes anywhere in the future, the team could be on the outside of the QB lottery looking in at the 6th overall pick. That means the team will either have to decide whether to trade up in the first round, or do their due diligence on potential second round signal callers. Given the Jets' history in selecting QB's, a pass rusher Shane Ray of Missouri might be the safest option.

7. Chicago Bears – Danny Shelton, DT, Washington: 

How will the Bears stock their new 3-4 defense?

As the Bears transition to a 3-4 defensive scheme, they'll be looking to add a prototypical 3-4 nose tackle as an anchor. Weighing in at over 340 pounds, Danny Shelton of Washington looks absolutely awful to the eye, but is surprisingly agile as a pass rusher on tape in addition to being able to clog the run. The only question that remains is whether Shelton has the stamina to be a three down player and justify a team like the Bears using a top ten pick on him.

8. Atlanta Falcons – Dante Fowler, Jr., OLB, Florida: 

Will the Falcons address their pass rush, or their secondary?

If there's a team with a bigger need at pass rusher than the Falcons heading into this season, it was the Falcons heading into last season. Atlanta is still in desperate need for a playmaker who can put some much needed heat on opposing quarterbacks while taking some off of their own secondary. New coach Dan Quinn is said to be a high on Dante Fowler, Jr. from their time together at Florida, and for good reason, considering Fowler’s ability to close on opposing passers.

9. New York Giants – Landon Collins, S, Alabama: 

Will the Giants take an offensive lineman, or will they address their defense?

The Giants are in the market for help at offensive tackle, but with a weak draft class at that position, they may be better off addressing that need through free agency or in the 2nd round. Of their other options, Landon Collins of Alabama is more worthy of a top ten pick, and would give the G-men a serious presence at safety.

10. St. Louis Rams – Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa: 


Are the Rams looking for a quarterback?

With Sam Bradford's future in question, the Rams have big needs at both quarterback and on the interior of their offensive line. With the 10th pick, Brandon Scherff of Iowa could be a plug and play starter at either tackle or guard, which would give the team some versatility as last year's top pick Greg Robinson tries to find a home.

11. Minnesota Vikings – DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville: 

Should the Vikings draft another WR?

While the Vikings have invested big money in free agent signee Greg Jennings and 1st round draft pick in Cordarrelle Patterson, neither has produced like a true No. 1 wide receiver. If Rick Spielman and the Vikings think that Teddy Bridgewater is their long term option at quarterback, the team almost has no choice but to give him the weapons he need while he is in his developmental stage.

12. Cleveland Browns – Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State: 

Should Cleveland address their offense or defense with their first pick?

Leave it to the Browns to find a potential steal in wide receiver Josh Gordon, who not only let the team down, but possibly took their franchise quarterback of the future down along with him. While Cleveland obviously has huge holes to fill at both quarterback and receiver, the team may be better served concentrating on shutting down the run on defense to compliment their run game on offense. Run stuffing defensive lineman Eddie Goldman of Florida State would be a step in the right direction.

13. New Orleans Saints - Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson:

How should the Saints improve their defense?

Vic Beasley of Clemson is a bit undersized as pass rusher for a conventional 4-3 defensive, and is probably better suited to be a three down player in a 3-4 scheme if he can make the transition to dropping into coverage. Assuming he can do so, Beasley would be an ideal fit in New Orleans as Rob Ryan and the Saints continue to transition towards more of a hybrid/3-4 defense.

14. Miami Dolphins – Shaq Thompson, LB, Washington: 

Where can the Dolphins best improve their defense?

Linebacker may not be a need if Dion Jordan is still in the Dolphins' plans, but at this point Miami seems to have given up on him, and rightfully so. Shaq Thompson may not have a true position entering the draft, having played defensive end, linebacker, safety and running back at the University of Washington, but he's a football player who projects as a much needed playmaker who can play in coverage in a division where the Dolphins will be facing Rob Gronkowski and the Patriots twice a year.
 
15. San Francisco 49ers – Kevin White, WR, West Virginia: 

Which WR will the 49'ers target?

Wide receiver and cornerback are the team's two biggest needs. Kevin White of West Virginia may be a bit raw when it comes to running routes, but he has the elite size, speed and ball skills to make him a much needed go-to receiver in the 49'ers offense.  

16. Houston Texans - Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State:

Which position on defense will the Texans need to address after free agency?

The Texans are facing potential losses through free agency at nearly every position on defense. Trae Waynes, who has press man skills coming out of and leading Michigan State's heralded "No Fly Zone" defense, would be a perfect addition to Houston’s secondary.

17. San Diego Chargers – Ereck Flowers, OT, Miami:

How long should the Chargers wait to draft a running back?

The Chargers could use an upgrade on both their offensive and defensive lines, as well as at running back. When your quarterback is Phillip Rivers and he finished last season injured, offensive line gets first dibs. Ereck Flowers of Miami projects as a solid, if not elite tackle at the NFL level.

18. Kansas City Chiefs – Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Oklahoma: 

Can the Chiefs finally find a true No. 1 WR?

If you're reading this, the Chiefs probably haven't had a reliable go-to wide receiver in your lifetime. While Dorial Green-Beckham may have some character concerns, Andy Reid and the Chiefs are one of the few teams that could provide him with a good environment as the talented young receiver tries to adapt to the league.

19. Cleveland Browns – Devin Funchess, TE, Michigan: 

How will the Browns replace Josh Gordon?

If the Browns had any intention on relying on Josh Gordon for the upcoming season, those plans were wiped out when he was suspended for the 2015 season due to yet another NFL drug policy violation. Worse yet, up and coming young tight end Jordan Cameron seems intent on getting the hell out of town as quickly as possible. Devin Funchess of Michigan is probably more of a wide receiver than he is a tight end, but would give the Browns a much needed go-to receiver no matter what position they decide to use him at, and at tight end, he'd be a match-up nightmare.

20. Tennessee Titans (projected trade with Philadelphia) – Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky: 


What position is the most important addition to Tennessee's 3-4 defense?

With Ken Whisenhunt bringing in Hall of Famer Dick LeBeau to put the finishing touches on the Titans 3-4 defense, it only makes sense to give him the tools he needs to make it work. Bud Dupree of Kentucky is the type of hybrid DE/OLB that LeBeau made so many stars out of during his long tenure with the Steelers.
 
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Arik Armstead, DE, Oregon:

Should the Bengals target their offensive or defensive line in the first round?

The Bengals could use help with their pass rush, and a three down defensive end like Arik Armstead of Oregon who can hold the edge against the run in addition to getting to the passer would be an ideal fit. The only question about Armstead is whether he can actually get to the passer.

22. Pittsburgh Steelers - Marcus Peters, CB, Washington:

Should the Steelers address their secondary, or their front seven first?

Despite some character concerns, Marcus Peters might be the most talented pure cornerback in the draft. And while the Steelers have a reputation for only drafting “character” players, that all seems to be B.S. in light of the team sticking with Ben Roethlisberger and Art Rooney’s statements in support of Roger Goodell during the Ray Rice scandal.

23. Detroit Lions - Malcom Brown, DT, Texas:

How will the Lions address their issues at DT?

Even if the Lions are able to re-sign Ndamukong Suh, they'll be hard pressed to sign fellow free agent defensive tackles Nick Fairley and C.J. Mosley. Run stuffer Malcom Brown of Texas would be an ideal complement if he were to play next to Suh, and a decent starting point in the event that Suh leaves.

24. Arizona Cardinals - Jalen Collins, CB, LSU:

Will CB be a need for the Cardinals?

Cornerback Antonio Cromartie seems destined to leave the Cardinals for more money in free agency. If that happens, Arizona could look to fill the hole his departure would create in their secondary with Jalen Collins, a LSU corner whom they could pair with fellow Tigers, Patrick Peterson and Tyrann Mathieu.

25. Carolina Panthers - Andrus Peat, OT, Stanford:

What is the Panthers' biggest need, WR, DE, or OT?

The Panthers did their best to tread water at left tackle last season after Jordan Gross retired. If Carolina can get their hands on a top LT like Andrus Peat at the 25th pick, they'd be more than happy. Another threat at wide receiver should also be a consideration, but that need could be addressed elsewhere, possibly through free agency.

26. Baltimore Ravens - Maxx Williams, TE, Minnesota:

Will a TE be the best available player on Ozzie Newsome's board?

If it seems like the Ravens have been searching for a go to tight end since Shannon Sharpe left, it's because they have. Worse yet, Joe Flacco desperately needs that type of security blanket to help him evolve beyond being just an average quarterback. A big and athletic tight end like Maxx Williams of Minnesota would solve that problem, the only problem is GM Ozzie Newsome takes a "best player available" approach to the draft, Williams could be considered a reach by some at the No. 26 spot.

27. Dallas Cowboys - Jordan Phillips, DT, Oklahoma:

Should the Cowboys draft a DT, an OLB, or a DE in the first round?

Dallas has needs across the board on defense, perhaps none more glaring than an interior run stopper. Jordan Phillips of Oklahoma is talented but raw, which could mean Rod Marinelli putting his reputation as a talent developer and “leader of men” on the line in the event the Cowboys select him.

Then again, if rumors of the rumored to be released Dez Bryant video are true, the Cowboy may have to go with a wide receiver and let Dez walk.

28. Denver Broncos - T.J. Clemmings, OT, Pitt:

How will the Broncos get Peyton Manning a Super Bowl trophy?

If Peyton Manning is going to come back for one last run at a Super Bowl, the Broncos might as well go all in and make sure that he’s taken care of. Tackle T.J. Clemmings of Pittsburgh would give Manning and the Broncos some additional security when it comes to pass protection, as well as a much needed boost in their run game.

29. Indianapolis Colts - Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin:

Are the Colts ready to move on from Trent Richardson?

While they won’t publicly admit it, at least the Colts are no longer denying that their trade for Trent Richardson was a bust, and admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery. Melvin Gordon of Wisconsin was not only one of the best work-horse backs in college, but he would also give Andrew Luck and the Colts an explosive threat out of the backfield that would only further open up their offense. 

30. Green Bay Packers - Benardrick McKinney, WR, Mississippi State:

How do the Packers improve their defense the quickest?

Things got so bad for the Packers on defense last year that the team had to move Clay Matthews from OLB to ILB on running downs. While Matthews did a fantastic job, he’s better suited, and probably happier, playing on the outside. Benardrick McKinney of Mississippi State is not only a beast inside, but many project him as an elite pass rusher as an outside linebacker in a 3-4 system, which means he could also give Green Bay some much needed juice on passing downs. 

31. Seattle Seahawks - Jaelen Strong, WR, Arizona State:

Is the Seahawks biggest need at WR or CB?

Despite making the Super Bowl, you could make the argument that Seattle’s starting wide receivers might not have even made the roster for many NFL teams. At 6-foot-4 and 205 pounds, Jaelen Strong of Arizona State would give Russell Wilson and the Seahawks a big target that they haven’t seen since Sidney Rice, not that Seattle fans ever saw much from him. 

32. New England Patriots - Sammie Coates, WR, Auburn:

Would the Patriots actually use a first round pick on a WR?

The Patriots’ most pressing need, aside from a good PR man for Bill Belichick, is at wide receiver. While the Patriots have not looked to the first round of the draft for a WR since the Chad Jackson debacle, Sammie Coates has a deep ball skill set that reminds some of Randy Moss, which is exactly what Tom Brady and New England could use.