Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Jillian has got the hairiest ass I've ever seen, and a huge dick."

This week brought us the always time consuming, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All episode, where Chris Soules' "field of queens" returned after several weeks of binge dieting to make up for all the weight they gained while they were on the show.

Chris Soules' "field of dream," If you build it, he will make out with it.

The conversation began with Britt confronting Carly about why she pretended to be her friend to her face, but was such a catty bitch, having talked bad about her behind her back to both Chris and the cameras.

In her defense, Carly stood up for herself by not being able to answer Britt's question.

Talk then moved on to Jillian's dick, or as Megan said, "Jillian has got the hairiest ass I've ever seen, and a huge dick."

If Jillian Anderson doesn't have a dick, then why did ABC keep blurring it out?

To give her props as being a good dude, Jillian completely stood up for Britt and called Carly out, but maybe a little too a aggressively.

Or as Chris Harrison interrupted, "Jillian, Jillian, Jillian - You're a little jacked up!"

In any event, it was pretty clear that Britt still has feelings for Chris, and that Jillian had feelings for Britt.

Britt finished off on a good note, and ended up scolding Carly for interrupting her by saying, "Can I just say one thing where you don't interrupt? Because you pretty much just narrated my entire love story for the last three weeks."

Kelsey was next on the hot seat for the bizarre way she seemed to brag about being a widow, which the other girls all took offense with.

And while we all now know that Kelsey Poe killed her late husband Sanderson, she's still pretty stinking cute. 

Always the damsel in distress, Kelsey began by asking Chris Harrison for a tissue.

When Chris, who didn't happen to have a box of Kleenex handy, handed her the handkerchief from his suit coat, Kelsey said, "That's really sweet, are you sure, it's silk?"

And after she wiped her nose in snot Kelsey declared, "I'm going to keep it," to which a somewhat perturbed Chris agreed, "It's yours now."

Juelia, who also was widowed before coming on the show, called Kelsey the most fake person she had ever met, and she probably had a point.

However, Megan probably put it best when she said that her father had similarly dropped dead of a heart attack while running, and noted that Kelsey either used her ex-husband's death to manipulate Chris, or that she was still grieving to the extent that she probably shouldn't have come on the show.

Of course, Megan was the same girl who thought that New Mexico was part of Mexico, and not the United States, so take her comments for what they are on their face, and not that she had any type of profound insight on the situation.

Ashley S. was next asked to come on stage to explain whether she's really crazy as she appeared on the show, or if she was just mixing booze and psychiatric medications against her shrink's orders.

Clearly it was the latter of the two options, but Ashley S. decided to run with the former while trying to keep a straight face, which earned her an on the spot invite to appear on Bachelor in Paradise.

Jade made an appearance to discuss what caused a seemingly sweet girl to pose naked for Playboy, but she wasn't yet prepared to reveal which member of her family had molested her.

Jade did reveal that she was devastated to learn that her family had thrown her under the bus for telling Chris that she was not as shy as she lead everyone to believe.

Clearly Jade Roper, or Jade Elizabeth, didn't share the drug problem that she was trying to hide with Chris...Well, either that or she was just trying to work her way through law school ;)

Up last was Kaitlyn, who lost a ton of weight in her face since she left the show, clearly had Botox injections to the extent she seemed to have trouble talking (and it wasn't just her being Canadian), and still looked absolutely smoking hot in a white sausage casing type tube dress.

It will be no surprise when Kaitlyn Bristowe is named the next Bachelorette

Kaitlyn got to confront Chris about why he dumped her, but only in a classy way, you know, so America wouldn't hate her going forward.

Kaitlyn told Chris that "she had zero reason to believe" that she was going to go home, and that he "needed and wanted me to let my guard down, I was happy to do that," which was her not so secret way of her telling Whitney that she "put out" for him in the Fantasy Suite.

Kaitlyn Bristowe: Now that's one Bachelorette party I want to be a part of!

In any event, Chris will be breaking up with either Whitney or the other virgin girl, Becca, soon enough, but it was still a fun ride!

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