Saturday, March 21, 2015

Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - "I think I'm going to go try to poop. If I don't try, it won't happen, right?"

This week's Survivor was hyped as a special two hour episode, which really just turned out to be two separate episodes played back to back.

It all began with a Reward Challenge, which saw each tribe appoint a "caller" to guide pairs of blindfolded teammates through a maze to collect three different items and raise them up a scaffold.

After several near genital mutilations, things got interesting for the "Blue Collars" when Sierra dropped their scaffold down on a blindfolded Kelly's head, which split open like a coconut.

And while the medic was called in to asses the bleeding, Kelly elected to power on.

The "No Collars" ended up winning, with the "White Collars" coming in second. That gave the "No Collars" a flock of chickens, the "White Collars" ten eggs as a consolation prize.

Because it was Will's birthday, the "No Collars" decided to slaughter one of their new chickens, because all black people love fried chicken.

And all stereotypes aside, Will declared his love for fried chicken, and seemed to appreciate every bite.

Of course, killing a chicken caused vegetarian Jenn to get all butt hurt, or at least gave her an excuse to walk out into the woods and search for the Idol, which she found without even having a clue.

Momentarily thinking that she was on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives instead of Survivor, that caused Jenn to exclaim, "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" #CatchphraseFail.

At the "Blue Collar" tribe, Boston Guy got himself in trouble by saying that girls need to hold themselves to a higher standard than guys when it comes to hooking up, and that just about caused Lindsey's ribbons to pop out of her hair.

And when she scolded Boston Guy, "If you were my son, I'd break your jaw and feed it to you for breakfast," I think Lindsey Cascaddan meant it.

Not knowing what to do after getting called the fuck out by a girl, Boston Guy decided to make their dispute personal, but only really quietly, and only after making sure that Lindsey wasn't around to hear him.

Specifically, Boston Guy wondered about Lindsey, "Who the Hell gets a tattoo on their damn face unless they have some serious problems?"

Of course, that came from the same guy who apparently let a five year-old draw all over his body with permanent markers, so Rodney Lavoie, Jr., a/k/a Boston Guy, might just want to let that one go.

The Tribes then went on to an Immunity Challenge, where each tribe first had to maneuver through a rope maze obstacle course, and then use a system of levers to navigate several balls up a table maze.

The "No Collars" won immunity, with the "White Collars" finishing in second, which sent the "Blue Collars" to Tribal Council.

That caused Dan to give his unsolicited opinion to Boston Guy on talking to Lindsey, and for that matter, on talking to women in general.

"There's to ways listen to people in the world. You can listen like a guy, or you can listen like a girl. When you listen like a guy, you try to solve the problem. When you listen like a girl, you empathize, you just nod your head and agree."

And just when you thought that Dan might be on to something profound he proclaimed, "I am so much smarter than I look," as he nodded his head and smiled in approval of what he had just said.

Boston Guy actually could have took a cue from Dan, but instead declared, "I'm going to be the leader here no matter what, I'm the Tom Brady here," which I think was actually his way of indirectly apologizing and saying that he's going to start letting the women take charge.

At Tribal Council, Lindsey, Sierra and Kelly all lashed out at Rodney (Boston Guy) for the way he talked to women, who defended himself by (sigh), once again proclaiming that women should hold themselves to higher standards than men.

That even caused Jeff Probst to jump in and scold, "That comment just offended millions of women," to which Rodney, still seemingly oblivious, replied, "What? That women should hold themselves out of higher respect?"

And maybe Boston Guy was onto something, as after a tie vote it was Lindsey was sent packing.

That lead us to the second Reward Challenge of the episode, where Jeff Probst announced that they'd be re-drawing for tribes by saying, "Drop your buffs!"

The Blue Tribe consisted of Dan, Mike, Sierra and Rodney from the "Blue Collars," who were joined by Tyler, Joe and Joaquin.

The Red Tribe had "No Collars" Will, Hali and Jenn, along with "White Collars" Max and Shirin, with former "Blue Collar" Kelly as the de facto swing vote

The challenge itself saw a member of each new tribe launch balls with catapult, as their teammates tried to catch them in a lacrosse style net.

The Blue Tribe ended up winning the reward, which turned out to be a pack of kitchen supplies, along with everything from the old "White Collar" camp.

Tyler seemed happy with the the merge saying, "Sierra seems to be kind of the broken puppy...I've always said, bring me your poor, your tired, your huddled survivors. I want the broken people to come with me."

That makes Tyler Fredrickson the the male equivalent of the girl who was sexually molested as a child who grows up to rescue animals. 

At the Blue Tribe, Jenn immediately developed a dislike for Shirin after Shirin shared just a little bit too much information when she announced. "I think I'm going to go try to poop. If I don't try, it won't happen, right?"

After Shirin dropped her deuce, we moved on to the Immunity Challenge, which consisted of navigating an obstacle course as a team and then using a wrecking ball to smash a series of ceramic pots.

With the Blue Tribe winning Max gushed, "The biggest thing about that challenge to me was not smiling too big after we lost it. I'm really happy to go to Tribal Council and change the dynamic around camp."

Fortunately for the Blue Tribe, Max got his wish.

And with the voting completed, Max bluffed playing an Idol by interrupting and saying, "Hey Jeff, hold up bro," before saying, "I just always wanted to say that."

Sure enough, Max was voted out, leaving the former college professor who once taught a course on Survivor on the outside of the Jury looking in.

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