This week's Survivor began with the remaining two tribes adjusting life after the first merge.
More specifically, the Blue Tribe had to adjust to Shirin, who complained about nobody wanting to align with her, which caused her to ask the rhetorical question, "Is that something about me and my personality?"
At the Blue Tribe, Boston Guy proclaimed that he didn't trust Mike because he goes to church, doesn't drink, and "doesn't potty," which I would think would actually be a redeeming quality around camp.
The Immunity Challenge involved climbing up an obstacle tower as a team, and then launching beanbags at a series of targets with slingshots.
Believe it or not, Fat Jenn did better than Boston Guy when it came to flicking beans, and the Red Tribe ended up winning beef stew, mac and cheese, and a bad case of the hot cocoas.
Not being able to come to grips over losing to a girl, Boston Guy decided he needed to throw the next Immunity Challenge in order to get rid of Joe, who he viewed as his main competition when it came to getting with the girls
Mike went along with Boston Guy's plans, but only to keep his true ally, Kelly, safe on the Red Tribe, where he felt that she was unprotected as the sole "Blue Collar."
The Immunity Challenge was a game of memory, with contestants from each team going one-on-one to memorize a sequence of items...Needless to say, Boston Guy didn't do very well.
Almost on script, the finals came down to Mike, who was trying to throw the challenge, and Kelly who Mike was trying to help win.
Mike Holloway proves why people from the south who don't drink shouldn't be allowed at pro hockey games.
Unfortunately, Kelly was too dumb to take Mike's clues, and ended up needing three different tries to get things right, as Mike kept intentionally getting his sequence of items wrong. Needless to say, that didn't make Mike look too good.
However, as stupid as Kelly was, she was still smart enough to be appreciative of what Mike did for her.
"When I knew Mike was throwing the challenge and helping me out, that was the first time in my life I think I totally ever trusted somebody." Sadly, Kelly's story began when her dad died shortly after he sexually molested her.
Mike immediately seemed to regret his decision to throw the challenge, recognizing Boston Guy and Joaquin were working together as the new power couple.
That caused Mike to approach Joe and Sierra about splitting the two of them up; however, Sierra wasn't sure, mainly because she hated Dan so much that she didn't want to work with him, even if it was best for her game.
Sierra Dawn Thomas: I'm pretty sure that going pantless violates the Mormon code of conduct.
At Tribal Council, everything revolved around wooing Sierra, who was the obvious swing vote.
In the end, Joaquin was blindsided, which actually left his BFF, Boston Guy, even more blindsided than he was.
Joaquin Souberbielle fared much better back when he was on the Jersey Shore.
This week's Survivor was hyped as a special two hour episode, which really just turned out to be two separate episodes played back to back.
It all began with a Reward Challenge, which saw each tribe appoint a "caller" to guide pairs of blindfolded teammates through a maze to collect three different items and raise them up a scaffold.
After several near genital mutilations, things got interesting for the "Blue Collars" when Sierra dropped their scaffold down on a blindfolded Kelly's head, which split open like a coconut.
And while the medic was called in to asses the bleeding, Kelly elected to power on.
The "No Collars" ended up winning, with the "White Collars" coming in second. That gave the "No Collars" a flock of chickens, the "White Collars" ten eggs as a consolation prize.
Because it was Will's birthday, the "No Collars" decided to slaughter one of their new chickens, because all black people love fried chicken.
And all stereotypes aside, Will declared his love for fried chicken, and seemed to appreciate every bite.
Of course, killing a chicken caused vegetarian Jenn to get all butt hurt, or at least gave her an excuse to walk out into the woods and search for the Idol, which she found without even having a clue.
Momentarily thinking that she was on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives instead of Survivor, that caused Jenn to exclaim, "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" #CatchphraseFail.
At the "Blue Collar" tribe, Boston Guy got himself in trouble by saying that girls need to hold themselves to a higher standard than guys when it comes to hooking up, and that just about caused Lindsey's ribbons to pop out of her hair.
And when she scolded Boston Guy, "If you were my son, I'd break your jaw and feed it to you for breakfast," I think Lindsey Cascaddan meant it.
Not knowing what to do after getting called the fuck out by a girl, Boston Guy decided to make their dispute personal, but only really quietly, and only after making sure that Lindsey wasn't around to hear him.
Specifically, Boston Guy wondered about Lindsey, "Who the Hell gets a tattoo on their damn face unless they have some serious problems?"
Of course, that came from the same guy who apparently let a five year-old draw all over his body with permanent markers, so Rodney Lavoie, Jr., a/k/a Boston Guy, might just want to let that one go.
The Tribes then went on to an Immunity Challenge, where each tribe first had to maneuver through a rope maze obstacle course, and then use a system of levers to navigate several balls up a table maze.
The "No Collars" won immunity, with the "White Collars" finishing in second, which sent the "Blue Collars" to Tribal Council.
That caused Dan to give his unsolicited opinion to Boston Guy on talking to Lindsey, and for that matter, on talking to women in general.
"There's to ways listen to people in the world. You can listen like a guy, or you can listen like a girl. When you listen like a guy, you try to solve the problem. When you listen like a girl, you empathize, you just nod your head and agree."
And just when you thought that Dan might be on to something profound he proclaimed, "I am so much smarter than I look," as he nodded his head and smiled in approval of what he had just said.
Boston Guy actually could have took a cue from Dan, but instead declared, "I'm going to be the leader here no matter what, I'm the Tom Brady here," which I think was actually his way of indirectly apologizing and saying that he's going to start letting the women take charge.
At Tribal Council, Lindsey, Sierra and Kelly all lashed out at Rodney (Boston Guy) for the way he talked to women, who defended himself by (sigh), once again proclaiming that women should hold themselves to higher standards than men.
That even caused Jeff Probst to jump in and scold, "That comment just offended millions of women," to which Rodney, still seemingly oblivious, replied, "What? That women should hold themselves out of higher respect?"
And maybe Boston Guy was onto something, as after a tie vote it was Lindsey was sent packing.
That lead us to the second Reward Challenge of the episode, where Jeff Probst announced that they'd be re-drawing for tribes by saying, "Drop your buffs!"
The Blue Tribe consisted of Dan, Mike, Sierra and Rodney from the "Blue Collars," who were joined by Tyler, Joe and Joaquin.
The Red Tribe had "No Collars" Will, Hali and Jenn, along with "White Collars" Max and Shirin, with former "Blue Collar" Kelly as the de facto swing vote
The challenge itself saw a member of each new tribe launch balls with catapult, as their teammates tried to catch them in a lacrosse style net.
The Blue Tribe ended up winning the reward, which turned out to be a pack of kitchen supplies, along with everything from the old "White Collar" camp.
Tyler seemed happy with the the merge saying, "Sierra seems to be kind of the broken puppy...I've always said, bring me your poor, your tired, your huddled survivors. I want the broken people to come with me."
That makes Tyler Fredrickson the the male equivalent of the girl who was sexually molested as a child who grows up to rescue animals.
At the Blue Tribe, Jenn immediately developed a dislike for Shirin after Shirin shared just a little bit too much information when she announced. "I think I'm going to go try to poop. If I don't try, it won't happen, right?"
After Shirin dropped her deuce, we moved on to the Immunity Challenge, which consisted of navigating an obstacle course as a team and then using a wrecking ball to smash a series of ceramic pots.
With the Blue Tribe winning Max gushed, "The biggest thing about that challenge to me was not smiling too big after we lost it. I'm really happy to go to Tribal Council and change the dynamic around camp."
Fortunately for the Blue Tribe, Max got his wish.
And with the voting completed, Max bluffed playing an Idol by interrupting and saying, "Hey Jeff, hold up bro," before saying, "I just always wanted to say that."
Sure enough, Max was voted out, leaving the former college professor who once taught a course on Survivor on the outside of the Jury looking in.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers– Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State:
Should the Buccaneers play it safe with Marcus Mariota, or go with the more talented Jameis Winston?
Tampa Bay has their choice between the consensus top two quarterbacks in the draft. Coming from a pro-style offense and possessing the stronger arm, Jameis Winston has the edge between the sidelines. With higher character and better decision making on and off the field, Marcus Mariota has the edge between the ear holes. When in doubt, NFL GM's selecting at the top of the draft typically go with the stronger arm.
2. Tennessee Titans– Leonard Williams, DE, USC:
Will the Titans trade out of the No. 2 spot?
The Titans could be at a position of strength at the No. 2 spot with teams looking to trade up for Marcus Mariota. As for now, Mariota's suitors are still speculative, and Tennessee could use a versatile defensive end like Leonard Williams to anchor their 3-4 defense.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars– Dante Fowler, Jr.:
Which top DE will the Jaguars select in the 1st Round?
The Jaguars should have their pick of speed rushers in the draft. The question is whether they will go for a true 4-3 defensive end like Dante Fowler, Jr. of Florida, or one of the smaller but speedier pass rushers who may be better suited to play outside linebacker. While the Jaguars could use both a defensive end and an outside linebacker for their "LEO" position, Fowler is the best fit for their scheme.
4. Oakland Raiders - Kevin White, WR, West Virginia:
Who will emerge as the top wide receiver in the draft?
Derek Carr and the Raiders desperately need a go-to receiver. Kevin White demonstrated elite size, speed and ball skills at West Virginia, and may have confirmed his status as the top wide receiver in the draft with a strong performance at the Scouting Combine.
5. Washington Pigskins - Randy Gregory, OLB, Nebraska:
Which pass rusher will fall to the Pigskins?
While it may seem like Brian Orakpo was never really ever in Washington to begin with, the team still has a need to fill at pass rusher. Randy Gregory of may be the cream of the crop when it comes to 3-4 outside linebackers. 6. New York Jets– Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon:
Will the Jets draft a quarterback in the 1st Round?
It doesn't matter how much money the Jets spend on their defense, if they can't find a franchise quarterback they'll continue to be one of the NFL's worse teams. Unfortunately, the team could be on the outside of this year's QB lottery looking in at the 6th overall pick if Marcus Mariota generates enough buzz to make him a trade target. If Mariota is available with the No. 6 pick, the Jets should run to the podium. 7. Chicago Bears– Danny Shelton, DT, Washington:
How will the Bears stock their new 3-4 defense?
The Bears could look to a wide receiver on offense to replace Brandon Marshall, but the more pressing need is on defense as they transition from a 4-3 to a 3-4 defense. Danny Shelton would be an intriguing pick at nose tackle to anchor their defense, and despite his size at 340 pounds, Shelton is extremely agile with surprising stamina. 8. Atlanta Falcons– Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson:
Will the Falcons address their pass rush, or their secondary?
If there's a team with a bigger need at pass rusher than the Falcons heading into this season, it was the Falcons heading into last season. Atlanta is still in desperate need for a playmaker who can put some much needed heat on opposing quarterbacks, and in turn, take some off of their own secondary. Vic Beasley is a bit undersized to play defensive end in a 3-4 system, but is athletic enough to play outside linebacker and then move to the edge on passing downs, much like how new coach Dan Quinn used Bruce Irvin in Seattle 9. New York Giants– D.J. Humphries, LT, Florida: Will the Giants take an offensive lineman, or will they address their defense?
The Giants are in the market for help at left tackle, which would have a positive domino effect on the rest of their offensive line. In a weak class, D.J. Humphrhies of Florida may not only be the best, but possibly the only true left tackle prospect in this year's draft. 10. St. Louis Rams – Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa:
Can the Rams afford to pass on an offensive lineman?
The Rams have big needs at guard, center and tackle on their offensive line. With the 10th pick, Brandon Scherff of Iowa could be a plug and play starter at either tackle or guard, which would give the team some versatility as last year's top pick Greg Robinson tries to find a forever home.
With the Vikings allegedly resolving their issues at wide receiver with the Mike Wallace trade, the team can look to address other needs in the draft. After leading Michigan State's vaunted "No Fly Zone" secondary and proving himself as the draft's clear cut top cover corner at the Scouting Combine, if Trae Waynes falls outside of the top ten, he'd both fill a need and represent solid value for the Vikings.
12. Cleveland Browns – Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama: How will the Browns replace Josh Gordon?
Depending on how the draft shakes out, it's very possible that an elite wide receiver like Amari Cooper or Kevin White could fall to Cleveland at the No. 12 spot. I don't care how many Brian Hartlines and Dwayne Bowes the Brown's might sign, they still have a huge need for a game changer at receiver. Amari Cooper would certainly satisfy that need. 13. New Orleans Saints - Shane Ray, OLB, Missouri:
How should the Saints improve their defense?
Shane Ray of Missouri is a bit undersized as pass rusher for a conventional 4-3 defensive, and is probably better suited to be a three down player in a 3-4 scheme if he can make the transition to dropping into coverage. Assuming he can do so, Ray would be an ideal fit in New Orleans, as Rob Ryan and the Saints continue to transition towards more of a hybrid defense. 14. Miami Dolphins– DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville:
Where do the Dolphins go after overpaying for Ndamukong Suh?
Now that Miami has over paid for Ndamukong Suh, they need to see if Ryan Tannehill is capable of leading a winning team or if they need find a quarterback capable of taking them to the next level. In order to make that evaluation, the Dolphins need to give him a dependable receiver, and Devante Parker of Louisville is at least in the discussion as being the best in this year's draft class.
15. San Francisco 49ers – Arik Armstead, DE, Oregon:
How will the 49'ers replenish their defense?
The free agent signing of Darnell Dockett should replace the loss of defensive end Ray McDonald, but the retirement of Justin Smith still leaves a huge hole on the other side of the 49'ers once dominant defensive line. An athletic end like Arik Armstead of Oregon who can play the 5-technique would help San Francisco start to re-load.
16. Houston Texans- Jaelen Strong, WR, Arizona State: Do the Texans need another receiver?
The Texans will need to find a replacement for Andre Johnson to play opposite DeAndre Hopkins at wide receiver. Jaelen Strong of Arizona State has the size, strength and speed that will remind many Texans fans of Johnson before he lost a step and turned into a de facto tight end. Free agent signee Cecil Shorts will be a nice addition as a compliment, but not as Johnson's replacement. 17. San Diego Chargers – Andrus Peat, OT, Stanford:
How long should the Chargers wait to draft a running back?
The Chargers could use an upgrade on both their offensive and defensive lines, as well as at running back. When your quarterback is Phillip Rivers and he finished last season injured, offensive line gets first dibs. Andrus Peat of Stanford projects as a solid, if not elite tackle at the NFL level. At the very worst case scenario he has the bulk to play on the right side, or possibly even move inside to guard. With the draft deep in running backs, the Chargers should still be able to find an elite talent in the second round. 18. Kansas City Chiefs– Landon Collins, S, Alabama: Do the Chiefs need to look for a replacement for Eric Berry?
With Eric Berry's career in question, the Chiefs need to add another presence in the back end of their defense. While Landon Collins may lack Berry's ball skills, he's a big time hitter who can help out against the run. Better yet, he'd be an ideal compliment to Berry in the event that everyone is hoping for, his health improving to the point that would allow him to return.
19. Cleveland Browns– Malcom Brown, DT, Texas:
What is the Browns' biggest need on defense?
With a strong running game in place, a run stuffing defensive lineman like Malcom Brown of Texas could help the Browns solidify their defense and play ball control football as they try to sort out the mess that their front office created at quarterback and receiver. 20. Philadelphia Eagles – Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Missouri: What position does Philadelphia need to address first after the great roster purge of 2015?
Chip Kelly has created more holes in the Eagles roster than they can possibly address in the draft or what left remains on the free agent market. Perhaps the most glaring need is at wide receiver, where only Riley Cooper and his 21. Cincinnati Bengals - Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State: How can the Bengals bring their defense to the next level?
The Bengals would like to improve at defensive tackle, and a run stuffer like Eddie Goldman of Florida State would give the Bengals some great rotational depth along with Geno Atkins and Domata Peko. Athletic upgrades at outside linebacker and safety could also be considered, but would represent better values in the second round.
What should the Steelers address first, their secondary, or their front seven?
Pittsburgh could use an outside linebacker now that Jason Worilds has retired. Alvin "Bud" Dupree of Kentucky fits the Steelers' mold of a 'tweener that they can make fit their system as a 3-4 pass rusher. 23. Detroit Lions - Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin: Will the Lions address their issues at DT?
Despite a huge need at defensive tackle even after trading for Haloti Ngata to replace Ndamukong Suh, Lions' GM Martin Mayhew will still take a best player available approach to the draft. Melvin Gordon of Wisconsin would not only give the Lions some sizzle to replace Reggie Bush, but he's strong enough between the tackles to be an every down back, allowing the fumble prone Joique Bell to become more of a role player.
24. Arizona Cardinals- Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia:
How should the Cardinals proceed after big losses in free agency?
Despite huge free agent losses at cornerback, defensive end, and defensive tackle, the Cardinals can probably improve their team the quickest by addressing another area, running back. By bringing in a big back like Todd Gurley of Georgia and allowing Andre Ellington to be more of a big play threat, Arizona would take some pressure off of Carson Palmer, who needs to be more of a game manager than a playmaker at quarterback. 25. Carolina Panthers- T.J. Clemmings, OT, Pitt: What is the Panthers' biggest need, WR, DE, or OT?
The Panthers did their best to tread water at left tackle last season after Jordan Gross retired. If Carolina can get their hands on a top tackle like T.J. Clemmings of Pittsburgh with the 25th pick, they'd be more than happy. Another threat at wide receiver should also be a consideration, but that need could be also be addressed via free agency or in the second round. 26. Baltimore Ravens - Devin Smith, WR, Ohio State:
Will need and Ozzie Newsome's best player available strategy meet?
Ozzie Newsome may need to consider his BPA philosophy after free agency and salary cap cuts ripped their receiving corps and defensive line. Fortunately, this year's draft is extremely deep at wide receiver, giving the Ravens a value pick at a position of need with deep threat Devin Smith of Ohio State.
27. Dallas Cowboys- Owamagbe Odighizuwa, DE, UCLA:
Should the Cowboys draft a DT or a DE in the first round?
Dallas has needs across the board on defense, perhaps none more glaring than at pass rusher. Owamagbe Odighizuwa of UCLA is an elite 4-3 defensive end who could be a late riser into the first round after injuries forced him to sit out the 2013 season and kept him from getting much preseason hype.
28. Denver Broncos- La'el Collins, T, LSU:
How will the Broncos get Peyton Manning a final Super Bowl trophy?
If Peyton Manning is going to come back for one last run at a Super Bowl, the Broncos might as well go all in and make sure that he’s taken care of. Tackle La'El Collins of LSU would give Manning and the Broncos some additional security when it comes to pass protection and in the running game at right tackle, allowing Pro Bowl guard Louis Vazquez to move back inside. 29. Indianapolis Colts - Ereck Flowers, OT, Miami:: Should Indianapolis address their offensive line or their defense in the first round?
The Colts have been the early winners in free agency, having addressed many of their most important needs even before the draft. That should allow them to work on upgrading their starters, and Erek Flowers of Pittsburgh would be an immediate upgrade over Gosder Cherilus at right tackle.
30. Green Bay Packers- Jordan Phillips, DT, Oklahoma: How do the Packers improve their defense the quickest?
Green Bay will need to look hard and often at inside linebackers in the draft, but value wise, the first round isn't the time or the place. The Packers should be able to find better value with a run stuffer like Jordan Phillips of Oklahoma with the 30th pick, and then address their need at inside linebacker a bit later in the draft. 31. New Orleans Saints,Marcus Peters, CB, Washington:
Can the Saints afford to use a high draft pick on a receiver?
The Saints trade of Jimmy Graham was all about freeing up salary cap space and improving their defense. An elite, albeit troubled corner like Marcus Peters of Washington would infuse some much needed talent on the outside of the Saints' secondary.
32. New England Patriots - Jalen Collins, CB, LSU:
Where do the Patriots have the biggest need, cornerback, defensive tackle, or guard?
Despite a hole at guard all last season after the Logan Mankins trade, the Patriots still managed to win the Super Bowl. Accordingly, the Patriots would be better served trying to replace Vince Wilfork or their devastating losses at cornerback in Darrelle Revis and Brandon Browner. Jalen Collins of LSU as a big and talented corner who could at least replace Browner.
This week began with Nina making the not so strategic play of announcing that she knew that she's the next player who was going to get voted out for the "No-Collars," and just asking everyone not to treat her like she wasn't deaf until she was sent home.
For the "White Collars," Shirin grunted at two monkeys and asked them to show her how to survive in the wild, right before they began fucking like, well, monkeys.
That caused Shirin to gush, "Big Papa, Big Momma howler monkeys just got it on...I just saw monkey sex! Start to finish!"
For the "Blue Collars," Dan jokingly called Rodney's mother a whore, which struck a nerve with him, mainly because it was true.
If Rodney Lavoie, Jr.'s mother wasn't busy being a whore, she would have taught him not to be a douche bag.
Hali and Jenn decided to exclude Nina this week by going boogie boarding with driftwood. Or as Hali said, "Body boarding is so much fun. Surfing is probably like my number three passion in life."
Meanwhile, Joe, who's mother wasn't a whore and taught him sign language, comforted Nina.
Back at the "White Collars," Shirin was starting to try everyone's patience.
Or as Tyler said, "Shirin's at the point now where crazy is as crazy does, from the nudity, to the talking to the monkey in the trees, to the excessive talking around camp."
For the "Blue Collars," things weren't any better.
Mike got upset with the rest of the tribe, and Rodney in particular, because nobody else would work around camp, making him the first blue collar person ever to realize why "white collar" people hate union employees so much.
Rodney took exception to Mike's accusations, not because he was working, but because comin' from Boston he don't take horderves from nobody.
"Mikes the number one target right now, so I need to go back to my three 'C's,' cool, calm and collection."
Things got even worse for the ultra religious Mike when he challenged Lindsey on how she had tended to the fire, who let her testosterone get the best of her as she lashed out at him, and who he was.
People may think that Lindsey Cascadan is an atheist, but her other Jesus is a Camaro!
"How the fuck do you think this fire's going right now? How do you think that got there? Magic? Your God? Did your God come down and do it with his beard?"
That left Mike all butt hurt, who forgot all about the part where Christians believe that the process of getting butt hurt is a sin in and of itself, but that's a story for another blog post.
The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to navigate a mud filled obstacle field in order to fill a barrel using only a leaky bucket, with the winners getting a tarp and luxury items for their camp, and second place getting immunity and a tarp.
For the second time in three weeks, Will was too exhausted to finish the job for the "No Collars," who had decided to exclude Nina from the challenge, not because they had to have somebody sit out, but because they just decided not to let her help.
Sure enough, the "Blue Collars" ended up winning, the "White Collars" came in second, and the "No Collars" were sent to Tribal Council.
At Tribal Council it all came down to Will and Nina, with Will throwing Nina under the bus for blaming everything bad that had happened to her in the game on her disability.
Fortunately for Will it worked, as Nina was voted out and his fat ass stayed in the game.
The final episode of the Bachelor began with Chris agonizing which pig to put lipstick on and bring back to his barn, Becca the virgin, or Whitney, who's not a virgin.
With the girls getting to meet Chris' family, Whitney was up first, and she completely blew them away with how "country" she was, only in Iowa that's a good thing.
The only problem was that Whitney hadn't yet blown Chris away like Becca had.
Meanwhile, Chris' family seemed concerned about Becca's inability to say that she loved Chris, or even liked him...not even "maybe."
Chris summed up the biggest decision in his life by saying, "I'm standing in the barn where I raised my first pig," which was obviously the only logical spot for him to propose to his future wife.
And in that barn, where Chris raised his first pig, he broke things off with a clearly relieved Becca, not because he wanted to, but as he finally astutely noted, "You're not, really ready."
Despite not being chosen, you could tell that Becca was relieved when she was the one who apologized to Chris as she walked through cow shit in her ballroom dress and sped off in her limo to get the fuck out of Iowa as quick as she possibly could.
After Becca left Chris' barn like a herd of corn, Whitney arrived, none the wiser.
And when Chris proposed to her Whitney gushed, "I don't want to forget this moment ever," not realizing that she won't, especially after she watches the show and sees that she was clearly Chris' second choice.
But at least for the moment Whitney was thrilled, and ended things with a very fitting, "Holy cow!"
The After the Final Rose episode began with Chris meeting with Becca, who informed the audience that she was no longer a virgin after meeting Juan Pablo at a Bachelor related promotional event.
When Becca admitted that she's still never been in love, Chris Harrison added fuel to the fire by asking Chris if he should have realized that she was "a lost cause from the start."
However, Chris showed his true feelings for Whitney when he began by comparing her to his sister.
After months of being sequestered, Whitney still seemed completely head over heels for Chris, which she explained by noting how she never went back and watched the show.
Of course, that lead to many antagonizing questions from Chris Rose and Jimmy Kimmel, both of whom seemed to piss Whitney off, even though she tried her best to muster a smile for the cameras despite her missing upper lip.
The all important decision on the next Bachelorette apparently came down to Britt and Kaitlyn, with an overwhelming majority of the audience favoring Kaitlyn, even though Chris Harrison kept telling us that the nation was "split" between the two of them.
However, there was a big surprise when Chris Harrison announced that Britt and Kaitlyn would both be the next Bachelorette,
Kaitlyn probably summed up everyone's thoughts on that announcement the best with her candid response to Chris Harrison asking her initial thoughts when she learned she'd have to share the title by saying, "Well, that's not ideal."
And on that note, I'm glad to announce that I'm retiring from blogging both the Bachelor and the Bachelorette. Nothing personal to anyone aside from Emily Maynard, but much like the show, it's just run it's course.
The Second episode of Survivor- Worlds Apart began with Dan explaining exactly how shit goes down in the game...Literally.
"I'm in the water. I've got my underpants around one leg, trying to do my business, I get hit by a wave...and I lost my man-ties."
That lead to Dan wearing his shirt as his pants, because he refused to cut off his jeans and wear them as shorts, which upset all of Ohio.
Meanwhile, Max decided to salute the greats in the game by playing naked.
"I have absolutely no qualms about dropping trow and being in with birthday suit. It's free, it's comfortable...It's also a great way to get some time alone."
However, Max's plan to get some alone time with his penis backfired when Carolyn bought into his nakedness.
"Max loves this game like I love this game...which makes me love him, which makes me relate to him more. He's kind of a trend setter. It's actually super convenient to be naked a lot of the time.
And, boom, just like that, Carolyn Rivera was naked too...Damn you Max!!!!
At the "no collar" tribe, Hali "tried" to get to know Nina , but decided it was just wasn't worth it.
"Unfortunately, because she's deaf, it's really hard having a conversation with her."
She instead decided to go skinny dipping with Jenn, which left Nina feeling like an outsider, or maybe just like the kid at school who was 25 years older than everyone else.
Because let's face it, if you've ever known a girl under 25, the ability to hear what someone was saying in a conversation has almost nothing to do with whether or not they hang out together.
Sure enough, when Jenn and Hali came back Nina snarked, "It was pretty nice of you guys to ask me to go."
In Hali's defense, she said she did ask Nina to come along, but she never got a response.
Worse yet for the "no collars," Fake Fabio got jealous when Joe came back with a bag of crabs for everyone to eat.
Or as Fake Fabio said, "Joe's kind of that center of attention kind of guy, and it's kind of pissing me off."
That caused Not Fabio to pull Joe aside and call him out for being so well liked and being an over achiever around camp by informing him, "It doesn't go over often very well," to which Joe replied, "Usually, it does. I feel like we're good man."
Unfortunately, Not Fabio didn't agree, and like a bitch, said, "I just need you to acknowledge that you steamroll projects."
The Immunity Challenge was a swimming rope maze, culminating in a basket toss The first place prize was a massive fishing kit, with second place getting a fishing line and hooks.
Dan was eager to participate for the "blue collars" saying, "I'm going to surprise you for a fat guy," and he actually ended up winning his heat against a former pro football player and a guy who looked like Fabio.
In the end, the "white collars" finally got a win, with the "blue collars" finishing second.
At Tribal Council for the "no collars," Not Fabio described himself as the glue of the tribe while Joe and the others tried to keep a straight face.
In regards to being accused of being the weak link in the Immunity Challenge Will said, "Water's always been the black man's kryptonite."
And while I'd say "well played," I'm pretty sure that all of the challenges are going to involve water or puzzles, and we all know how black people feel about mother fucking puzzles.
Joe responded to Not Fabio's jealously by saying, "We've been feeling each other out and I think he's probably going to land right where he needs to. I think tonight, the person that needs to go home will go home."
Sure enough, Not Fabio and his ego were sent packing...Unfortunately, Nina didn't hear that her closest ally got voted out.
This week brought us the always time consuming, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All episode, where Chris Soules' "field of queens" returned after several weeks of binge dieting to make up for all the weight they gained while they were on the show.
Chris Soules' "field of dream," If you build it, he will make out with it.
The conversation began with Britt confronting Carly about why she pretended to be her friend to her face, but was such a catty bitch, having talked bad about her behind her back to both Chris and the cameras.
In her defense, Carly stood up for herself by not being able to answer Britt's question.
Talk then moved on to Jillian's dick, or as Megan said, "Jillian has got the hairiest ass I've ever seen, and a huge dick."
If Jillian Anderson doesn't have a dick, then why did ABC keep blurring it out?
To give her props as being a good dude, Jillian completely stood up for Britt and called Carly out, but maybe a little too a aggressively.
Or as Chris Harrison interrupted, "Jillian, Jillian, Jillian - You're a little jacked up!"
In any event, it was pretty clear that Britt still has feelings for Chris, and that Jillian had feelings for Britt.
Britt finished off on a good note, and ended up scolding Carly for interrupting her by saying, "Can I just say one thing where you don't interrupt? Because you pretty much just narrated my entire love story for the last three weeks."
Kelsey was next on the hot seat for the bizarre way she seemed to brag about being a widow, which the other girls all took offense with.
And while we all now know that Kelsey Poe killed her late husband Sanderson, she's still pretty stinking cute.
Always the damsel in distress, Kelsey began by asking Chris Harrison for a tissue.
When Chris, who didn't happen to have a box of Kleenex handy, handed her the handkerchief from his suit coat, Kelsey said, "That's really sweet, are you sure, it's silk?"
And after she wiped her nose in snot Kelsey declared, "I'm going to keep it," to which a somewhat perturbed Chris agreed, "It's yours now."
Juelia, who also was widowed before coming on the show, called Kelsey the most fake person she had ever met, and she probably had a point.
However, Megan probably put it best when she said that her father had similarly dropped dead of a heart attack while running, and noted that Kelsey either used her ex-husband's death to manipulate Chris, or that she was still grieving to the extent that she probably shouldn't have come on the show.
Of course, Megan was the same girl who thought that New Mexico was part of Mexico, and not the United States, so take her comments for what they are on their face, and not that she had any type of profound insight on the situation.
Ashley S. was next asked to come on stage to explain whether she's really crazy as she appeared on the show, or if she was just mixing booze and psychiatric medications against her shrink's orders.
Clearly it was the latter of the two options, but Ashley S. decided to run with the former while trying to keep a straight face, which earned her an on the spot invite to appear on Bachelor in Paradise.
Jade made an appearance to discuss what caused a seemingly sweet girl to pose naked for Playboy, but she wasn't yet prepared to reveal which member of her family had molested her.
Jade did reveal that she was devastated to learn that her family had thrown her under the bus for telling Chris that she was not as shy as she lead everyone to believe.
Clearly Jade Roper, or Jade Elizabeth, didn't share the drug problem that she was trying to hide with Chris...Well, either that or she was just trying to work her way through law school ;)
Up last was Kaitlyn, who lost a ton of weight in her face since she left the show, clearly had Botox injections to the extent she seemed to have trouble talking (and it wasn't just her being Canadian), and still looked absolutely smoking hot in a white sausage casing type tube dress.
It will be no surprise when Kaitlyn Bristowe is named the next Bachelorette.
Kaitlyn got to confront Chris about why he dumped her, but only in a classy way, you know, so America wouldn't hate her going forward.
Kaitlyn told Chris that "she had zero reason to believe" that she was going to go home, and that he "needed and wanted me to let my guard down, I was happy to do that," which was her not so secret way of her telling Whitney that she "put out" for him in the Fantasy Suite.
Kaitlyn Bristowe: Now that's one Bachelorette party I want to be a part of!
In any event, Chris will be breaking up with either Whitney or the other virgin girl, Becca, soon enough, but it was still a fun ride!
Survivor- Worlds Apart began with the players diving up into tribes by social class, mainly, "white collar," "blue collar," and "no collar."
Boston guy Rodney wanted to clarify that he wasn't as stupid as he looked.
"Everybody looks at me and thinks I'm a meat head, but against the competition, I'm a fillet Mignon and everyone else is just a steak."
Of course, much to Rodney's surprise, or maybe not, there are several other cuts of steak that are considered to be even better than a fillet Mignon.
Given his view on women, Rodney Lavoie, Jr.'s not a Boston butt...He's just another ass from New England.
Rodney told the rest of the blue collars that he still moves furniture and Jacuzzis for a living even though he'd moved on to much bigger an better things, the world of sales, out of fear of intimidating them with his intelligence.
Why do I think that Rodney Lavoie, Jr. is now a car salesman?
Each tribe was asked to select one leader, who then had to pick one person to come along with him/her for a task.
White collar leader and sleazeball Joaquin chose recent divorce So to join him. Blue collar leader Dan chose oil driller Mike to go along. Meanwhile, no collar leader and YouTube sensation Will chose rich girl Jenn to be his bitch.
Each pair was then presented with the option to take a big bag of beans back to their tribe, or a smaller bag in return for a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol, with nobody else any the wiser.
The only team to bit was the "white collars," where Joaquin talked So into screwing their tribe over in return for the clue saying, "That's a silly decision."
However, nobody at camp believed that they were being honest when they saw the size of Joaquin's bag of beans.
And while the "white collars" were busy trying to figure out the best way to fuck each other up the ass, the "blue collars" worked together and found a butt-load of crabs, made fire, and built a shelter right away.
However, not everything was perfect with the "blue collars."
Creepy Boston Guy tried to use his sister's death to bond with the the girls, then went on to say, "My strategy from day one - get the girls. Girls, they want to sit back and let a man take the leader role,"
And while the "blue collars" weren't expected to get by on their smarts, oil driller Mike decided to try and get some extra protein in his diet...by eating a scorpion.
"I knew when I came out here, that if there was an extra chance to get protein, I was going to take that chance...I'm the type of guy, if I see an opportunity in front of me, I'm gonna go grab it."
Sure enough, that caused Mike to puke, pass out, and possibly die.
After establishing that Mike's an idiot...Dan realized that he didn't fit in with the rest of the "blue collars," and took issue with their plan to build a raised shelter supported by nothing but bamboo.
"I'm a fat guy, it's not going to hold."
Dan Foley: Fat guy in a little suit!
At the "no collar" camp, Fabio guy tried to form an alliance with Jenn, and then immediately fell in love with her.
However, Jen was in love with Joe, and thought that he, and not Fabio, should be on the cover of a romance novel.
And after Jenn and Joe made fire together, Fabio guy's jealousy got the best of him and he interrogated Jenn about her feelings for Joe.
"I want to ask you a real human being question. Do you feel more of a connection with Joe? You're not attracted to him, not even a little?"
However, Jenn was smart enough to turn things back on Fabio guy, and she asked him if he was still on board with the alliance he had proposed. Sure enough, he was...Like, he really, really was.
"I do. I really want that."
Unfortunately for Jenn, Fabio guy reclaimed her by rubbing his scent all over her face.
"Vince hugged me forever after. We smell bad. We smell bad, okay. Do not get that (his armpits) all over my face."
Vince Sly: What girl wouldn't want this guy's swiss chard all over her face?
At the "white collar" camp, ironically it was the kicker who first that they all needed to get down on their knees and get dirty in order to survive in the game...Or at least figure out how to make fire.
Not trusting her tribes "leaders," Carolyn noticed Joaquin and So sneak off to look for Idol. More importantly, she paid attention to where they looked, and beat them to the punch by finding it first. The First Immunity Challenge consisted of an obstacle course with a puzzle at the finish, with the first two teams to complete it winning immunity and fire starting tools.
With the "no collars" winning and the "blue collars" coming in second, the "white collars" earned a trip to Tribal Council thanks to Shareen, who fucked up on the puzzle so bad that she had to be replaced, but by that point it was too late.
To make things worse, the "white collars" were the only tribe that hadn't been able to make fire on her own.
Before Tribal Council, Tyler tipped Carolyn off that her name had come up in discussions. That caused her to tell him that she had found an Idol, and she lobbied to vote So out.
At Tribal Council, Joaquin and So threw Tyler and Max under the bus for being in an alliance with them.
However, Carolyn was feeling so cocky that she not only didn't play her Idol, but she made up some purely ridiculous nonsense as well saying, "Oh by the way, I am just as athletic as anyone else."
While Carolyn was completely full of shit, So was still voted out, and just like that, the "white collars" voted out their most athletic player.
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