Friday, May 30, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "Who's here to see some half naked men!"

Bachelorette Andi Dorfman began the first real episode by boasting, "I feel great about the 19 men who are still here." And who could blame her, I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Eric Hill, a self described "explorer" from California, which I think is just a fancy way of saying that he roams around beaches with a metal detector.

Eric went on to tell Andi that he had "camped with a witch doctor," "road a motor cycle half way across Africa," and been accused of being a spy by militants in Syria who only set him free after he convinced them of how awesome he was. 

Worse yet, Andi actually seemed to believe him saying, "You just can't make that up," forgetting that guys do it all the time...Just check any dating profile on

After a day at the beach Eric beamed, "My face already hurts from smiling so much." Sadly for Eric, I have a feeling that it's going to get much, much worse.

Just when it seemed that Andi and Eric were actually just going to have a realistic and enjoyable date at the beach...BOOM! The "Batchcopter" just appeared out of nowhere. 

And just like that, Andi and Eric were whisked off to a semi-snow covered mountain so Andi could get hit on by a pint sized professional snowboarder named Louie Vito.

In fact, despite his size disability, I'm thinking that the snowboarder might have even been good enough to compete in the Special Olympics.

Fortunately, Eric also turned out to be a good snowboarder. That caused Andi to gush, "Of course I picked a professional snowboarder. He's good at everything. Seriously, can we find something he's not good at?"

Eric Hill: I might be going out on a limb here, but I'm going to guess hang gliding.

In the end, it came as no surprise that Eric got a rose, as he and Andi really seemed to hit it off. 

The Group Date turned out to be an excuse for Andi to get to see the guys perform as male exotic dancers, all under the guise of "doing it for charity."

However, unlike Andi on Juan Pablo's season, the guys were all just a little too excited, starting with Chris Harrison who exclaimed, "Who's here to see some half naked men!"

For Craig the thought of stripping almost sounded too good to be true. "Are we really gettin' naked? Because I'm kind of excited!"

Cody was excited to show Andi what he had only shown his mirror for the past 7 years saying, "I would bare anything for Andi."

Sadly, Cody Sattler, a/k/a "The Protein Shake," would also bare anything for a mirror...So long as he got to post it on Instagram.

Even the more reserved Tasos seemed to get an adrenaline rush. "Being on stage, I'm not going to lie, I like that attention. Maybe I practiced moves in a mirror once or twice."

Did I say reserved? In actuality, Tasos Hernandez is the attention whore who's only on the show to promote his crappy band, "Regret Night."

Craig seemed to be getting giddier and giddier by the moment. "I'm just doing this for Andi, I would never do this on my own, unless I was making a lot of money."

In fact, there was only one thing that could have stopped Craig from stripping, and that was watching Josh strip.

"Josh is a stud! I don't care about taking my shirt off. I do care about taking my shirt off next to Josh, he's incredible!"

So to help himself catch Josh's attention, Craig decided to stuff his Speedo. "When I get naked, I want everyone in the audience to go nuts!"

Nick S. got the booby prize of all the stripper costumes when he had to dress up as a bulky robot.

However, he might have taken things too far when he dropped his mainframe and showed Andi his "System Reboot" button.

Or as Andi said, "When Nick S bent over, I kind of saw a part of a man that no woman is supposed to see."

Needless to say, Nick S. didn't make it past the Rose Ceremony.

In the end, a good time was had by all. Hell, even Chris Harrison got his $2 worth.

After the strip club, Josh told Andi not to stereotype him as an athlete.

Of course, his days of playing low level minor league baseball and football at the University of Georgia are long since over, so it's probably time for him to get a job at his local bank like all other washed up college athletes do...Or at least the white ones.

Unlike fellow opera singer Sharleen Joynt last season, who just so happened to show up to take in the strip show with Andi for "moral support," or maybe a lack thereof, Drew gave it up relatively easy.

After interrupting Andi several times, Craig became the equivilent of the drunk girl at the bar who was trying way too hard.

And when he asked Andi who her favorite was and she playfully responded, "You," Craig began giggling hysterically before saying, "Really? That's SOOO sweet!"

Craig then went on to get out of control and jump in the pool with his clothes on during the Cocktail Party. And while I understood where Craig was at, my only question was why one of the other dudes felt the need to jump in with him.

Unfortunately, Craig's night ended when he pushed Patrick in the kitchen and The Bachelor Security Guard (who turned out to be Ryan Bowers from Emily Maynard's season) ended up taking him away.

Andi was so frustrated by Craig's behavior that she broke out like seven Y'alls before Marcus stepped in and rescued her from speaking Southern on national TV.

As a reward for preserving her aspirations to become a legal analyst on TV after the show ends, Andi gave Marcus the much coveted Group Date Rose.

The final 1-on-1 Date went to Chris, the farmer from Iowa who somehow managed to remain single despite the advent of

Andi took Chris to a horse racing track, where only three horses died.

Almost as if it was a scene straight out of a scripted movie, an old couple...I mean a couple of old actors interrupted Andi and Chris to ask how long they've been together.

And while the jury is still out on how Andi feels about Chris, it was pretty obvious that he really likes her, and for that, he got a rose.

Back at the mansion, Craig tried to make amends with Andi by pulling her aside. And right when I yelled, "please don't sing her a song," he pulled out an acoustic guitar.

And while Craig might represent everything that's wrong with frat guys, and while I'm pretty sure that he might have suffered a closed head injury at some point in his life, as it turned out his song was actually kind of funny.

Enough so that I actually thought that he might have earned himself another chance.

But Andi thought otherwise, and sent him home along with Nick S and Carl, the douchey firefighter.

No comments:

Post a Comment