Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog: "May I approach the Bachelorette?"

The new season of The Bachelorette is upon us.

While I'll make no bones about my hatred for this season's star, Andi Dorfman, she's still more likable than Emily Maynard.

As we all know, Andi Dorfman is a prosecutor from Atlanta who loves her job so much that she's given it up twice now in order to go on a reality dating show that she clearly doesn't believe in the concept of.

That much was evident by the way she let a clueless Juan Pablo take her to the end of his season, and then threw him under the bus in a clear attempt to gain sympathy and land the gig as the new Bachelorette.

My guess is that Andi Dorfman ultimately ends up passing on whatever guy she chooses, and then uses her time as The Bachelorette to springboard to a career as a legal analyst for a network like Fox News.

As usual, this season began with more guys waiting to pop out of their sport coats and squeeze into Ed Hardy T-Shirts than an Italian-American wedding.

We also got treated to another dose of Andi's southern father, Hy, who thought he could use a Voir Dire to eliminate all the black guys before they got out of the limo.

As the guys arrived, we were reminded that The Bachelorette brings out every narcissistic quality in a guy that girls still seem to fall in love with no matter what their fathers have told them to avoid...Personal trainers, aspiring musicians, and soccer players.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the guys who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Chris Soules A farmer from Iowa, Chris Soules thought that he was signing up for, but somehow found himself on The Bachelorette. And while my girlfriend thinks he's ugly, I think Andi seemed to like him. 

When you're from Iowa like Chris Soules where they don't have beaches, sometimes you just have to make do with what you've got. I'm just not sure what you use as bait when your trying to catch corn and soybeans.

J.J. O'Brien- Calling himself a "pantsapreneur," J.J. O'Brien is either in the business of getting in guys pants, or getting guys in his pants...I'm just not quite sure which one it is yet.

I'm guessing that J.J. O'Brien isn't on the show with Andi's best interests in mind...Payback's a bitch, isn't it?

Marquel Martin - Marquel is not only this season's token black guy. I just can't tell if he's trying to use modeling as a stepping stone to further his cookie career, or cookies to further his modeling career.

Fortunately for Marquel Martin, The Bachelorette needed a black guy, so he gets to do both.

Tasos Hernandez- Andi seemed instantly smitten with Tasos Hernandez saying, "Tasos is very different, he's very handsome, but very different from what I'm used to dating." Aside from the part where he's probably gay, Tasos is this season's contestant who is less interested in dating the Bachelorette than he is promoting his band, "Regret Night."

There's only one regret that the people who went to see "Regret Night" play on this night, and that's the fact that Tasos Hernandez didn't play more solos.

Cody Sattler - Cody is a personal trainer from Chicago. He is also so incredibly strong that he arrived at the mansion not in a limo, but by trying to push his limo up the hill.

Cody Sattler, a/k/a "Selfie McDouchebag."

Steven Woolworth - A snow board developer and surfer from California, when Ali met Steven she said that she was "stoked," while he replied back by saying "y'all." it kind of reminded me of how dogs who don't really know each other sniff each others' asses when they first meet.

Steven Woolworth: You may ask what a snow board developer exactly does. Surprisingly, it's quite similar to being a blogger.

Rudie Baldwin - Rudie, an attorney from Long Beach had his moment in the sun when he arrived from the limo and asked, "May I approach the Bachelorette?" Unfortunately, his time on The Bachelorette went all downhill from there.

Rudie Baldwin: After introducing himself as a fellow attorney, Andi promptly sent him home.

Carl King- Carl King is a fireman Ft. Lauderdale. And while I'm not saying that all firemen are meat-head douche bags, I really don't have anything else to say.

Carl King likes Ed Hardy t-shirts so much, he actually got one tattooed on his back.

Jason Leep - Jason Leep has been so busy with his career as a doctor in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, that he's been unable to find the time to get a new haircut since the band Nelson stopped touring.

Sadly, Jason Leep didn't make Andi's cut.

Nick Viall. Nick Viall is a software sales rep from Chicago. Andi seemed to instantly like him, and even gave him the First Impression Rose even though she called him, "someone who I'd not normally be attracted to." However, I'm guessing that "Nicky V" turns out to be one of the bigger players on the show this season.

Nick Viall: There's nothing that screams sophistication like a college frat boy who plays dress up to try to fool girls by pretending to be sophisticated.

Dylan Petitt, An accountant from Boston, Dylan lost his brother a few months ago, so I'll cut him some slack even though he's from Boston.

You can tell that Dylan Petitt is probably a pretty good dude because he plays softball.

Emil Schaffroth- A helicopter pilot from Cali, Emil came out of the limo and immediately informed Ali that his name "sounds like anal, but without the M." Sadly for us all, he didn't make past the Rose Ceremony, nor was he the contestant who died before the season aired. 

Even though Emil Schaffroth's name probably doesn't really rhyme with "anal," you can't blame a guy for just throwing it out there when meeting a woman for the first time.

Ron Worrell - A beverage sales representative from Memphis, I was going to say that Ron Worrell was merely the second token black guy on the show until I did some research and discovered that he's actually white.
Ron Worrell: Golf
Ron Worrell: NASCAR
Ron Worrell: Hockey

It looks like Ron Worrell hit the triple crown of white sporting events...Golf, NASCAR and hockey. In fact, he's only a white girl away from a "Tiger Slam."

Bradley Wisk - While contestants like Cody Sattler showed off his guns, Bradley, an opera singer from Michigan, showed off his pipes when he randomly began singing in front of the guys.

No word yet on whether or not Bradley Wisk is related to Sharleen Joynt, the Opera singer from Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor.

Josh Bauer - Josh Bauer is telecommunications marketer from Denver. The good news is that he as good enough at his job that he survived the great "Do Not Call List" purge of 2007. The bad news is that he still only makes $7.35 an hour and lives with his mother.

Strangely, Josh Bauer just couldn't seem to understand how Ali could send him home without a Rose on the first night, but at least he got some free Mexican food and got his picture taken while wearing the birthday Sombrero.
Nick Sutter - A pro golfer from Kissimmee, Florida, Nick Sutter arrived not in the limousine, but in a golf cart, which is pretty much the guy equivalent to Lindzi Cox's dream entrance of when she rode in a a horse for Ben's season.  

Nick Sutter

Patrick Jagodzinski - An ad executive from Newport Beach, Patrick made light of Ali's failed attempt at love with Juan Pablo by walking out of the limo with a soccer ball, and then kicking it as far away as he could...Which wasn't very far. 

Unfortunately for Ali, Patrick fell in love with Andrew before the first Cocktail Party concluded.

Andrew Poole - Andrew Poole is a social media marketer during the week, and a secret race car driver on the weekends. Of his budding bromance Andrew said, "Patrick and I get along pretty well. The guy dresses well, he's very suave, I feel like we have a lot in common."

Andrew Poole

Mike Campanelli - Mike Campanelli, a bartender from Utah, seemed out of his element, both in his career, and on the show.

Sadly, Andi put Mike Campanelli right back on his bike and sent him back home Utah to be with all of his moms.

Eric Hill - Sadly, an adventurist who liked to skydive and base jump while filming some sort of adventure show, Eric lost his life in hang gliding accident after the show aired.

Josh Murray. While Andi admitted that she didn't trust this former pro baseball from Atlanta, she also acknowledged that she kind of liked him. I'm guessing that Josh will get .

Josh Murray turns out to the be the older brother of Georgia quarterback and recent NFL draft pick, Aaron Murray.

Chris Bukowski. As a surprise, America's sweetheart Chris Bukowski, the lovable lug from Emily's season who has issues with girls who have their own opinions, showed up at the Cocktail Party basically demanding to join the show.

Chris just so happened to magically find out exactly when the first Cocktail Party was, which amazingly seems to happen every season when it comes to prior contestants who were completely unlikable, kind of like Shawntel Newton and Kacy B.

As the music group Modest Mouse asked in the song aptly named "Bukowski," "Why do you have to be such an asshole?"

And when Chris Harrison tried to play dumb and asked him, "How do you even know we were filming," I'm pretty sure I heard Chris whisper, "Because you told me, dude."

Bukowski went on to add, "I'm not leaving, just to let you know," and at one point I started to think that he was going to take Chris Harrison hostage.

In her only good decision of the night, Andi had the sense to decline Chris Harrison's offer to let Bukowski join the show if she was willing to play along, and he was escorted off the set by security.

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