Saturday, May 24, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "Where I'm from, you don't swear on a wife and a baby"


The final episode of Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty began with Woo, Spencer and Kass in the driver's seat, and Tony, without any Idols to play, scrambling just to stay in the game.

While Tony did still have one Idol left, he was no longer eligible to play it. However, the other players didn't know that for sure.

Instead, they just knew that Tony had an Idol that was supposed to have "special powers," and Tony tried to convince them that the "special power" allowed him to play it after the final five.

The Final Four contestants were rewarded with visits from loved ones, or in Tony's case, a visit from some guy that he kind of knew.

As it turned out, we learned that Tony flipped on his own family, leaving his wife and newborn baby at home alone in order to come on the show, so I'm guessing that his wife refused to visit him as some sort of protest vote.

For some reason, I'm thinking that Tony Vlachos' wife will forgive him, considering that she can now divorce him and keep a cool $500K for herself. BTW, Spoiler Alert!

Kass tried to explain her game to her husband, and in doing so, she at least got the last part correct.

"I'm just going to argue to the women that I came out here and played like a man...If I was a man and made all the moves I made I would be strategic, but because I'm a woman, I'm a bitch."

She also did her best to plug her new self dubbed "Chaos Kass" nickname. "Often chaos is a part of that, keeping the other side on their toes."

And when she said "keeping the other side on their toes," she really meant to say that they all kept her around because she was an awful player who stood no chance of winning.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to stand on a tall pole over the ocean, use a rope to dip a bucket into the water, poor that water down a shoot to raise a floating key up to their reach, and then solve a puzzle.

Tony filled his bucket the fastest, while Kass didn't even get to her puzzle until the other players were almost half way finished.

However, Tony was too stupid to solve his puzzle, and somehow Kass to pull off the upset over Spencer and won Immunity

Kass sat firm on her decision to vote out Spencer, which seemed to relieve Woo, mainly because he didn't want to become the swing vote and be forced to actually make a decision.

And despite his best efforts, Spencer couldn't convince Tony to muck things up and vote for a tie, and he was sent to the Jury just short of reaching his goal of making the finals.

After Spencer was voted out, the second Immunity Challenge required the final three contestants to run through a maize and retrieve four sets of puzzle pieces, and then assemble a working gear puzzle.

In an amazing finish, Woo ended up defeating Kass by less than a second, and he earned the right to decide who he would take with him to the Final Tribal Council.

At that point, Kass still seemed delusional about her game saying, "I think Woo might be able to beat me, I don't know."

But as some little kid from the audience said when Jeff asked him who Woo should take with him, "Probably Kass, because I think nobody has respect for her," as the entire audience erupted into laughter.

Tony tried to plead his case to Woo, but even he acknowledged to the camera that Woo would have been better off taking Kass with him to the finals.

As normal, Woo refused to commit to anyone. That caused Kass to say, "It's horrifying, the person that hasn't made a decision the whole game is in charge of my fate."

At Tribal Council, Woo didn't want to listen to any speeches or any of Jeff's questions. He instead said that he had made up his mind and asked to skip right to the vote.

Apparently not wanting a sure $1,000,000, Woo elected to vote Kass out and take Tony with him to the finals, which even seemed to surprise Tony.

At the finals, Woo began by saying that he lives by a code of  honor and integrity, and that in doing so, he wanted to take the next best player along with him to the end, no matter what the cost.

Meanwhile, Tony tried to plead the case that he played a better strategic game.

As usual, the bitter members of the Jury all got a chance to confront their exes...I mean Tony and Woo.

Tony's ex seemed the most bitter, as the other cop on the show lashed out at him for swearing on his badge to her, and wondered if he really even cared about racially profiling black people anymore.

Likewise, Jeremiah was pissed that Tony swore on his wife on kids to him and asked, "Do you have a wife and baby?"

Jeremiah then went on to scold, "Where I'm from, when you swear on a wife and baby, that's absolutely pathetic." Fortunately for the rest of us, nobody else outside of the great state of Carolina cared.

Morgan decided to use her jury question to remind America how hot she thinks she is, and compared herself to Tony when it comes to being able to keep men in her back pocket.

However, Tony's game seemed to blow her tiny little mind, as she said, "You kept men in your back pocket, and you did it without even having breasts!"

Morgan McLeod:

Kass used her time to question Woo on why he didn't vote out Tony when he had the chance. "Why on  earth, did you not cut the head of the dragon off?"

In a moment of being a little too honest, Woo flat out said that he didn't think that Kass didn't deserve to sit at the finals, even if it meant a sure fire win for himself.

However, Woo then went on to call Trish "a sweetheart," proving that he was capable of lying.

Apparently having run out of living family members, Trish revealed that Tony swore to her on his father's grave. When she questioned him on whether breaking that vow was worth it, Tony told her that it was.

Spencer managed to insult Woo and Kass in the same breath, calling Woo "Tony's dog," and then saying, "You had the opportunity to take one of the biggest goats in Survivor history to the end," with the "goat" referring to Kass.

Instead of asking any questions, Spencer used his time to address the Jury and advocating for Tony to win. "Love him or hate him, Tony played his ass off out here."

Sadly, Tony did end up winning. Even worse, the Jury indicated that Woo would have won had he just brought Kass along with him to the end instead of Tony.

From the Jury's comments, it appeared as if Woo lost out to Tony because he wasn't sneaky enough, which is getting to be an overrated aspect of the game.

Think about it. You had a guy like Tony who made some wild moves, but pissed everyone off in the process. On top of that, he was a horrible physical competitor.

On the other hand, Woo was well liked, and won every physical challenge that he needed to win in order to stay in the game.

It seems to me that Woo won the physical and social aspects of the game, while Tony only came out on top when it came to making big moves, and most of the time those were poor decisions based purely on his own paranoia.

Unfortunately, the finale only got worse from there, as Tyler Perry showed up to plug the seven movies he's currently releasing.

Worse yet, Jeff Probst announced that the next season would be Survivor: Blood vs. Water II.

Not only does that mean we'll be stuck once again with returning players and their undeserving relatives, but I'm pretty sure that I heard Rupert's voice in the promo...Fuck me.

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