Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "All I want to do is rip that off of him and poor my oils all over him"

This season of The Bachelor is upon us, starring Who Juan Pablo.

Notice how there was no question mark after "who?" That wasn't a typo, it's apparently just how women and Chris Harrison pronounce Juan Pablo's his name when they're drunk and horny.

The new Bachelor is Who? Juan Pablo Galavis, shirtless and in bikini briefs.

I will say that it looks like ABC has finally tabbed a Bachelor/Bachelorette with some personality to go along with good looks for the first time in years.

And if you look back on Ashley Hebert's season, they missed the mark on both accounts.

And don't think for a second that ABC isn't milking it for all it's worth with a one hour The Countdown to Juan Pablo special, the two hour Bachelor season premier, and a one hour Behind the Scenes follow up.

Throw in next Monday's regular two hour episode, and in an eight day period ABC dedicated eight hours, or 1/3 of twenty-four possible prime hours to Juan Pablo and Bachelor related programming.

As we all know, Juan Pablo has a beautiful 4-year-old daughter named Camilla, who makes Emily Maynard's then 6-year-old daughter "'lil Ricki" look like a mongoloid who runs around killing butterflies just for the sport of it.

We also got to meet Juan Pablo's extended family, where his cousin Isabel basically called him a man whore.

Another female cousin cried out, "I'm not ready to see him make out with women, I don't know what I'm going to do!," proving that you don't have to be a cast member to get all irrationally crazy about Juan Pablo dating other women.

Better yet, Juan Pablo's uncle got on camera and began to say, "My advice to 'Juan Carlos' is," before the producers quickly realized that he was either drunk or just some Hispanic guy who wasn't really a relative after all.

As the show got ready to kick off, Juan Pablo was forced to visit with last season's Bachelor Sean Lowe for advice, who confidently told him to take off his shirt and to act as vanilla as possible.

When the girls finally began to arrive at the Bachelor Mansion, Juan Pablo seemed very pleased with his prospective brides.

That much was evidenced by the way he stared the girls up and down and ogled at their asses as they walked away as if they either didn't know or he simply didn't care that he was obviously checking them out.

Juan Pablo Galavis: There's something about being a white Latino that lets you get away with treating girls like a piece of meat that Mexican guys just can't pull off...Just ask any girl who's ever worked at a strip club.

And as the girls arrived, we were reminded that The Bachelor brings out every narcissistic class of women that guys never hope to see in a girl that they are dating, or at least the ones that they want to marry...Pageant queens, NBA dance squad members, bikini models, and grade school teachers.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood (yet again) and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelor.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Amy Jokinen - A massage therapist and aspiring actress from Apopka, FL, Amy J. really seemed to catch Juan Pablo's eye as she got out of the limousine.

However, Amy J. insisted on making Juan Pablo taking off his jacket and letting her give him a massage right off the bat saying, "All I want to do is rip that (his suit) off of him and poor my oils all over him."

That caused a stunned Juan Pablo to say, "Amy J. is pretty nice, but the massage was pretty awkward," especially the part where where she oiled all over him and didn't even have the decency to hand him a towel.

And unfortunately for Amy J., she ultimately lifted up her dress just a little too far and showed Juan Pablo her crazy, which caused him to send her home without a rose.

Amy Jokinen: I'm not sure what the backyard stripper pole was all about...But I'm diggin' it!

Amy Long - A TV news reporter (and swimsuit model) from Clearmont, FL, Amy Long has to be considered one of Juan Pablo's front runners, even though news reporters are quickly climbing up my list to rival grade school teachers as the most annoying and undateable girls there are.

Nonetheless, she got a rose.

Amy Long: She hot!

Andi Dorfman - A district attorney from Atlanta who specializes in prosecuting gang members, Andi is another girl that I think has to be considered a favorite this year...So long as South American raised Juan Pablo doesn't "love the cocaine" too much.

Andi Dorfman

Chantel Forrest - An account manager out of Miami, Chantel is the lone black girl on the show. That means that she'll stick around just long enough so that Juan Pablo and ABC don't look blatantly racist, but that she'll still go home before any of the girls that he's truly serious about.

Chantel Forrest smoking an imaginary cigarette...They're menthol, of course.

Elise Mosca - Elise Mosca is a first grade teacher from Pennsylvania who adamantly believes in "love at first site." Of course, at the age of 27 she lists her longest relationship as lasting eight years, so pretty much all she knows about relationship wise is a high school crush.

In addition to being a grade school teacher, Elise Mosca is also a hard core pageant girl, so Juan Pablo might want to let her go before she has the chance to talk down to him about how good looking she is.

Lauren Higginson - Lauren calls herself a mineral coordinator out of Edmond, Oklahoma, but she's also a swimsuit model, which apparently isn't a profession that you have to audition for anymore...Or least you don't if you live in a state that's had more dust bowls than beaches.

And while Lauren H. was the first girl to freak out and cry about not being able to get any time with Juan Pablo, she ultimately got her chance to speak to him one on one.

Unfortunately, she used that time to tell Juan Pablo how her fiance recently called off their engagement with her...via telephone...while she was at work. That obviously raised a red flag about who she is, the type of guys she dates, or the most likely scenario, both.

And after she got sent home, Lauren H. had the audacity to whine, "I'm sick and tired of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me," which is kind of like going on The Jersey Shore and getting mad when people call you stupid.

Lauren Higginson: She's old enough to be a cougar, and honestly, that may be more her speed.

Kat Hurd - Seriously, this girl's name is "Kat Hurd," only her first name is spelled with a "K" instead of "C." Sadly, Kat isn't even the girl who's the crazy animal lover...That would be Kelly Travis (see below).

And while Kat lists herself as a medical sales representative, which pretty much means you have to be hot (but not necessarily smart), she failed to disclose in her bio that she's a former Phoenix Suns dancer, which pretty much confirms that she was hot (but not necessarily smart).

Kat Hurd: She's from Iowa!

Kelly Travis - Kelly T. lists herself as a "dog lover" from Conyers, GA. She backed it up by bringing her dog "Molly" on the show and into the house as The Bachelor's first in-house pet since Vienna Girardi...Oh wait, that was a "Playmate," my bad.

Kelly Travis: For some reason, I think her dog "Molly" lasts longer in the house than Kelly T. does...After all, at least the dog has a job.

Kylie Lewis - Kylie apparently blamed the Bachelor's producers for talking her into dying her hair red and wearing the hideous pink "Barbie" dress that she wore at the initial cocktail party, saying that it wasn't something that she would have ever done or wore on her own.

Kylie Lewis and her affinity for horrible pink dresses.

...But then her Facebook page went and called bullshit on her.

But things only got worse for Kylie at the first Rose Ceremony, as when Juan Pablo called out Kat's name to accept a rose, she thought that he had called out to her, and she erroneously walked forward to accept a rose that was never coming.

And by the time that Kylie realized that she had made one of the biggest mistakes in Bachelor history since Ben decided to ask Courtney Robertson to marry him, all she could say was, "Oh I thought you said Kylie. I'm sorry, can you take both of us?"

Lucy Aragon - Lucy, who bills herself as a free spirit and as a hippie but also works as a model and has a propensity for dating rich guys, is the front runner for becoming this season's villain.

And when Lucy entered the Bachelor Mansion not wearing any shoes, it apparently was just a teaser for things to come. 

Lucy Aragon: Because there's nothing that says "future wife" more than the girl who takes every opportunity she gets to strip naked on national TV.

Sharleen Joynt - I'm not sure if Juan Pablo liked Sharleen or just her dress, but either way it was enough for him to give her the ever so important First Impression Rose.

However, Sharleen said that she wasn't feeling any "instant chemistry" with Juan Pablo, and when he offered her the First Impression Rose her response was a simple and unenthusiastic, "Sure, yes."

Worse yet, Sharleen Joynt kept calling Juan Pablo "sir," making me wonder if there isn't some type of "Peppermint Patty" thing going on here.

However, Juan Pablo was so unaccustomed to girls not drooling over him, he didn't pick up on the fact that Sharleen wasn't feeling him.

"Sharleen was so surprised that I was giving her the rose that she didn't know what to do, but I know that she's going to sleep well tonight, and that makes me happy."

 And while Sharleen probably did sleep well that first night, I'm sure it's just because it was furthering her career as an opera singer...Or else she never would have accepted Juan Pablo's rose.

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