Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I would assume it's a photo shoot, or maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both, so I'm alright with either."

This week's episode of The Bachelor began surrounded in controversy after Juan Pablo Galavis was quoted as saying that there shouldn't be a homosexual version of the show, and that gays were more likely to be "perverts" than their straight counterparts, namely the Catholics and Penn State alums.

Juan Pablo later went on to blame the whole fiasco about gays being "perverts" as a misunderstanding with his words being misconstrued because of the "language barrier."

Of course, the Spanish word for "pervert" is "pervertido," so I'll let you do the math on that.

On to less important things, the season's first 1-on-1 Date, which went to Clare, a hairstylist from Sacramento.

And while I'm not saying that Clare Crawley is beneath Juan Pablo, hair stylists are pretty much just strippers without the cool stage names and heroin addictions.

Juan Pablo took Clare to a park in L.A. that had been covered with artificial snow and set up with an ice skating rink and a really crappy sledding hill.

Clare revealed to Juan Pablo that she had a history of dating guys who "Weren't emotionally all there," although she didn't qualify whether she meant their mental health, or whether they just weren't all that in to her.

Clare went on to inform Juan Pablo that any man who wanted to date her would have to live up to the lofty standard set by her father.

"My dad was like one of the greatest, greatest men that there is."

Unfortunately, as a point of reference, Clare's father was probably Brett Michaels, although the DNA tests won't be revealed until next week on a very special edition of Maury Povich.

When Juan Pablo gave Clare a Rose she gushed, "If this is the beginning of our love story, I can't wait to see what comes next." (Spoiler alert to Clare...He dates all fifteen of your roommates and you freak the fuck out).

I'm still trying to figure out what Juan Pablo Galavis has tattooed on his left arm.

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion we had a topless girl in the hot tub alert.

And to nobody's surprise, the topless girl was Lucy Aragon.

Of course, Renee probably put it best when she said, "Lucy, she's super hippie, fun, crazy, kind of girl. It's only a matter of time before those were going to pop out of her bathing suit."

However, not all of the other girls were as amused, with Nikki complaining, "Lucy doesn't leave much to the imagination. Lucy apparently forgot to pack bikini tops."

And you know when one girl keeps referring to the other one by her first name, things are starting to get a little catty.

Speaking of catty, the second 1-on-1 Date went to Kat Hurd, the medical sales rep and former Phoenix Suns dancer.

Kat Hurd

Juan Pablo and Kat traveled via a private jet to Salt Lake City for some sort of neon glow stick themed dance party. However, since the state of Utah outlawed dancing years back, they re-branded that rave as an "Electric Run."

Juan Pablo Galavis and Kat Hurder at the Salt Lake City "Electric Run," which was kind of like Xanadu, only minus the roller skates and awesomeness which is Olivia Newton-John.

Back at the Mansion, the Group Date was announced with the theme being "Say Cheese!"

That caused Kelly Travis to say, "I would assume it's a photo shoot, or maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both, so I'm alright with either."

And if there could anything better than cheese for Kelly, who lists her occupation as a "dog lover," the date turned out to be a photo shoot that doubled as a fund raiser for a pet rescue shelter. 

Meanwhile, Lucy saw the theme of the Group Date as another perfect opportunity to flash her tits, saying, "How can I get Juan Pablo's attention, I'm thinking maybe this."

Lucy Aragon keeps showing her tits to distract us all from the crazy that's clearly oozing from her eyes.

And while Lucy obviously has no concerns about going nude on national TV, she still had fears about the photo shoot. They weren't rational fears, but she had fears nonetheless.

"There was a lot of pooping, there was a lot of disorder. My biggest fear was that one of the dogs was going to pee on me because I was wearing somebody else's shoes today."

Sure enough, the producers of The Bachelor once again found away to put the girl with a phobia in an uncomfortable position.

Much like they have a knack for sending the girls who are afraid of heights on bungee jumping dates and helicopter rides, they assigned Lucy a fire hydrant costume in a room full of dogs that she was already afraid might pee on her.

Lucy wasn't the only girl upset with her photo shoot costume, as Elise was not at all happy about receiving nothing but two small signs to cover her private areas.

And when Elise said, "I'm a first grade teacher, and I just want to make sure that I'm always a good role model," she apparently forgot the part where she used to star in soft core porn.

If you're trying to figure out which one Elise Mosca is, she's the one who looks like a dog trying to work a poop out on the couch.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't think that Elise's video was all that bad...However, being The Situation's booty call from The Jersey Shore is a probably deal breaker for anybody.

Nonetheless, it made too much sense for Elise not to switch costumes with Lucy who said, "If that's going to make you comfortable and happy, I'm happy to do it...I'm really glad that I switched with Elise. I'm happy to take off my top, as always."

Of course, I don't think that heading out naked down a public street was part of the photo shoot, but that didn't stop Lucy Aragon from taking her puppies for a walk. 

Being a crazy dog lover, Kelly Travis would have pretty much dressed up in any costume that they gave her, and was less than pleased that Elise was bitching about her costume saying, "Wear the fire hydrant and shut the fuck up, seriously."

Either Kelly Travis looks ridiculous in black face, or former NBA player Sam Cassell is not aging well.

Like Elise, Andi also received nothing but a cardboard sign. Worse yet, the straight laced district attorney from Atlanta noted how she was the only girl in the house who brought a one piece swimsuit with her on the show. 

However, as Andi stressed over whether or not to pose nude for the photo shoot, Juan Pablo used his charm to get her out of clothes when he said in his best Latin accent, "We both be naked, so eats (sic) okay."

...And now Andi Dorfman will always have a picture of Juan Pablo, Lucy and herself to hang over her parents' fireplace.

At the post photo shoot cocktail party, Cassandra pulled Juan Pablo aside and told him about kid the kid she had with mediocre NBA player, Rodney Stuckey.

I'm not saying that Cassandra Ferguson's kid is ugly, but Tre actually makes Rodney Stuckey's jump shot look good.

Victoria earned the honor of being the first girl to get a little too drunk when she got smashed at the post date cocktail party, causing the judgmental Nikki to warn her, "You better tone it down."

However, that didn't stop Victoria, who insisted that she wasn't drunk and only had a glass of champagne.

And that's when shit got weird.

Victoria went on describe what she did, and what she wanted to do to Juan Pablo.

"If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm going to straddle him every day. Because that's what life is about straddling people, and things."

"If you do the heiman maneuver and somebody's like laying down and dying, you're going to have to like straddle them."

For some reason I'm thinking that Victoria Lima got her heiman maneuver out of the way around the age of 13.

Victoria then yelled out, "Who's leg do you have to hump around here to get some one on one time, huh?"

But when Victoria realized that she wasn't getting any alone time with Juan Pablo, she locked herself in the bathroom and cried on the floor...Just like my Homecoming Dance date in high school did.

Being to surrogate house mother to a bunch of crazy chicks, Renee took it upon herself to crawl under the door to the bathroom stall in order to console Victoria, who demanded to go home. 

Victoria Lima gets more ass than a toilet seat...Literally, she got all of the ass from the toilet seat she was crying on, plus Renee Oteri's.

After all that drama, it was pig faced Kelli, not Andi, who got the rose for being the best sport on the Group Date.

The next morning we saw Juan Pablo talking to Victoria in a hotel room that was NOT the fantasy suite.

And while Juan Pablo accepted Victoria's apology, he still sent her home on the spot since he didn't want risk his four-year-old daughter waking up in the middle of the night with some drunken psycho chick straddling her and trying to pop her heiman.

While news reporter Amy Long missed out on both the 1-on-1 and Group Dates, she did receive some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo at the Cocktail Party immediately before the Rose Ceremony.

Unfortunately, she decided to use that time to try and further her career and "interview" Juan Pablo instead of getting to know him.

And that's a wrap! Juan Pablo sent Amy Long back home without a rose.

Realizing that she was a bit of an ice queen last week when she had a lukewarm response to being offered the coveted First Impression Rose, Sharleen took off her perpetual bitch face and reached out to Juan Pablo.

Meanwhile, Renee appeared to be more concerned with mothering the other girls than she was with Juan Pablo.

In fact, she almost seemed perturbed when Juan Pablo took Cassandra aside as she was trying to console her over how ugly her kid is. "We were interrupted by Juan Pablo."

And while Cassandra managed to get a rose, as the token black girl Chantel wasn't so lucky.

That was kind of sad, not only because Cassandra really seemed interested in Juan Pablo, but because he was contractually obligated by ABC to eliminate her on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

And remember, don't be cruel to animals.

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