Friday, January 24, 2014

Blogging SURVIVOR: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - Meet The Cast

Survivor - Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty is upon us, which would be more aptly titled Ex-Athletes vs. Attorneys and Asians vs. Pageant Queens, Models and Gay Guys, except it just didn't have the same zing.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Alexis Maxwell - A 21-year-old student at Northwestern University in Chicago.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: She got into Northwestern, so she has to be smart in addition to being a "beauty."

Cons: She claims that she will put her background in psychology to good use on the show, which would make her the first person in history to ever put an undergrad psychology major to any sort of practical use whatsoever.

Alexis Maxwell: See, not all girls from Northwestern are ugly.

Brice Johnston - A 27-year-old social worker from Philadelphia.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: Claims that everyone who he meets like him, but also that he can "turn into a person-eating bitch," so he's obviously this season's catty gay guy.

Cons: While he's officially a "beauty," Brice also considers himself fit enough to have been a "brawn," which clearly means that he hasn't looked at himself in the mirror any time recently.

Brice Johnston REALLY likes to grab his crotch..I mean like, he seriously might have a problem.

Jefra Bland - A 22-year-old former Miss Teen Kentucky.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: Jefra overcame growing up with a father who had a pain pill addiction.

Cons: That means that she's just like any other girl who grew up in Kentucky.

Jefra Bland looks like she's struggling to keep her boobs inside her swim suit.

Jeremiah Wood - A 34-year-old male model from Dobson, North Carolina.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: He claims to be athletic, even though he's a male model.

Cons: Lists his essential item as a "North Carolina flag" and claims that he wants to "prove to the world that a country boy can survive," meaning that Hank Williams, Jr. still gets way too much airplay in the south.

Jeremiah Wood doing his best Marty McFly impersonation.

L.J. McKanas - A 34-year-old horse trainer from Boston.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: Considers himself athletic, witty and charming.

Cons: People from Boston always have super over-inflated egos about themselves, so I'm guessing that he's never played sports, can barely carry a conversation (unless it's about Tom Brady or the Sox), and that his favorite song is "Date Rape" by Sublime.

L.J. McKanas certainly isn't a brain considering that he hasn't figured out that Boston isn't really a hotspot for horse training.

Morgan McLeod - A 21-year-old former San Francisco 49ers cheerleader.

Tribe: Beauty. 

Pros: She's so hot that I want to punch her in the face.

Cons: Lists her three essential items as a razor to shave her legs, an i-Phone and her Instagram account...Which means that pooping in the woods is probably going to be really, really difficult for her.

I'm not a big 49ers fan, but I really like Morgan McLeon's pom-poms.

David Samson - 45-year-old President of the Miami, Marlins baseball team.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: Has finished an Ironman Triathlon, proving that he has physical and mental endurance.

Cons: Not only is he President of the worst franchise in all of Major League Baseball, but he left the team mid-season to compete on a reality show.

Then again, the way that he's viewed by Marlin fans, it probably wasn't a bad idea for David Samson to take a sabbatical and play reality TV star in the middle of a season.

Garrett Adelstein - A 27-year-old professional poker player from California.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: Has completely over prepared himself by studying every aspect of the game, including exercise, fasting and puzzles.

Cons: Lists one of his luxury items as a naked picture of a girl he wants to hook up with "in case all the hot girls get voted out," which shows that there are some things you just can't prepare yourself for no matter who hard you try.

Garrett Adelstein showing his "poker face."

J'Tia Taylor - A 31-year old nuclear engineer from Chicago.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: She's probably smarter than anyone who's ever appeared on the show.

Cons: She seems like the super A-type personality who's going to try and boss everybody around, and as we all know, brains don't necessarily go hand in hand with social awareness.

J'Tia Taylor: Is that a gecko tattooed on her leg?

Kassandra "Kass" McQuillen - A 41-year-old attorney from California.

Tribe: Brains.

Cons: She describes herself as a rabble rouser, claims she's smarter than most people, and admits that she'll suck at challenges and look bad in a bikini.

Pros: None to think of.

Kass McQuillen

LaTasha "Tasha" Fox - A 37-year-old accountant from St. Louis.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: She might secretly have a penis.

Cons: She's a Bible thumper, which probably won't go over so well in a tribe of "brains."

LaTasha Fox: Brain, or just a St. Louis Rams cheerleader?

Spencer Bledsoe - A 21-year-old economics student at the University of Chicago.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: An endurance runner and high school chess champion in the state of Georgia.

Cons: Spencer not only seems very arrogant, but he lists Mitt Romney as his inspiration. Plus for as smart as he thinks he is, he still chose an unmarketable field like economics as his major.

Spencer Bledsoe: Gettin' One Night in Bangkok on that ass.

Cliff Robinson - A 46-year-old former NBA player.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: Former NBA All-Star, so he's obviously athletic...Or at least he was. He also claims to be able to fish and cook.

Cons: Robinson has had multiple arrests/suspensions for drugs and alcohol. He's only a slightly better swimmer than Bison Dele.

Cliff Robinson was headband, when headband wasn't cool.

Lindsey Ogle - A 29-year-old hairstylist from Kokomo, Indiana.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: She's in it to win it since she's a poor single mom.

Cons: Hairstylists are really just strippers without the heroin addictions and cool stage names, and I'm not necessarily ruling out a heroin addiction for Lindsey...or a prior career as a stripper.

Lindsey Ogle showing off her boobs...Now I definitely think she was a stripper.

Sarah Lacina - A 29-year-old police officer from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: May be the first person from Iowa to ever play the game of Survivor?

Cons: Claims to be cornfed and a master manipulator, which in most of Iowa constitutes as porn.

Sarah Lacina: This is what happens when you're a cop in a state that doesn't have black people.

Tony Vlachos - A 39-year-old police officer from Jersey City.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: He's got big arms and a douchey tattoo?

Cons: Lists his pet peeve as "Thugs who wear skinny jeans," meaning that he is so stupid that he has no idea what the word "thug" even means...Yet somehow he's a cop!

Tony Vlachos

Trish Hegarty - A 48-year-old pilates trainer from Massachusetts.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: She's pretty hot for 48, at least in a cougar kind of way...if you're into that.

Cons: She's old, but actually seems to be on the right tribe to be able to blend in age wise.

Trish Hegarty

Yung "Woo" Hwang - A 29-year-old martial arts instructor from Newport Beach, California.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: He seems to be in shape and have the agility to do well in challenges.

Cons: He's Asian, he's on Survivor, and he's not one of the smart people..It's kind of like Christina Cha all over again.

I love Yung Wang as much as the next guy, but do we really need more of it on Survivor?

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