Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "What, because she can’t take a shit today?"

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This week's episodes began with Andy crying because, well, that's what Andy seems to do. 

After apparently throwing the HOH Competition, McCrae did not seem to fully trust winner Aaryn, who was more closely aligned with Amanda. 

When McCrae said, “I don’t trust anyone but myself or you…I’d feel a lot safer if you had control of it,”Amanda took that to mean that he thought she screwed up by not beating Aaryn in the finals, so she stormed out of the room crying.

And when Helen came in looking for Amanda, Aaryn said, “I’m not sure where she is, but I’m sure she’s very upset."

As it turns out, Amanda was auditioning to become the new Rachel Reilly, as after throwing a tantrum at McCrae, she crawled behind the kitchen garbage can and pouted like a three-year-old.

Calling Amanda a "sore loser," GinaMarie felt sorry for her boyfriend McCrae. "I’m sorry, I like him and all, but she’s just going to ruin his life."

That caused Spencer to say, “You ain’t jokin'. He could win a half million dollars and she can spend it all in six months.”

Sensing that new HOH Aaryn was weak minded, Helen laid it on thick:
“Do not feel bad for your success. You’ve played an excellent game. I mean like if I was just watching this show I would fucking love you. You’ve gone from everyone in this house hating you to having this much adoration.  You are such a bright girl, and you are so humble. I am amazed by you…You should be so proud of yourself.  You wanted to be Janelle, you’re better than Janelle."
Sure enough, Aaryn seemed to totally buy into Helen's "Jedi Mind Trick."

“Helen is one of the coolest and most fun people Ive ever met, Not to mention a great person....These aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business, move along.”

Meanwhile, Amanda crawled out from the trash, literally, and declared that she wanted to make a “Really big move," saying that Aaryn needed to put up Elissa and Helen.”

Deciding the the members of the "3AM" alliance needed nicknames, Aaryn dubbed Amanda "The Mastermind," Andy "The Agent," and herself "The Beast."

Personally I would have gone with "The Fat-Behind," "The Gay-Gent," and "The Bitch," but who am I to mess with stupidity.

Obviously not having thought her nicknames through, Aaryn finished up by naming McCrae "The Enforcer," mainly because of his propensity to avoid confrontation and conflict.

That name even left McCrae confused. “I don’t understand why I’m The Enforcer…I’m the scrawniest one of all of us., I‘m gonna have to start doin' push ups around the house, practicing karate moves."

Then again, McCrae said "Any name would be fine, as long as they don‘t call me a little girl,” or "Amanda's bitch."

Sensing that she was about to get voted out of the game, Elissa informed Helen that she would refuse to go to the Jury House by pretending to be racist like Aaryn and GinaMarie.

“I’m not going there, like...If I get evicted, I will be home.”

That caused Helen to cry, because with Elissa giving up she felt like she wouldn't be able to help her anymore...And more importantly, if Elissa refused to go to the Jury it would cost her a potential vote in the finals.

That prompted McCrae to say, “Helen pretty much safely assumes that she’s gonna make it to the final two, which is kind of funny.”

Amanda added, “Helen, don’t cry. Elissa’s not the target, you are! Silly girl.”

GinaMarie was less than thrilled with Elissa's attitude, even if she was just having “a bad day" as Helen suggested.

“She always walked around with a stick up her ass…We didn't even do the competition yet and she‘s in a bad mood...Because she can’t take a shit today? Maybe that’s why she’s mad at herself? Give me a break.”

Speaking of GinaMarie, just when you think that she couldn’t get any dumber, she goes and opens her mouth.

When Helen explained to GinaMarie how her mom came to United States from North Korea not being able to speak English, GinaMarie said, “It’d be hard, it’s almost like you're in another country kind of,” And especially when you replace "kind of" with "you really are."

GinaMarie Zimmerman: As Aaryn said, I think it's odd that GinaMarie is a pageant coordinator, but she farts and burps.

While Elissa was reluctant to even talk to Aaryn even though she was HOH, she finally decided to play the game, knowing that she was a sure bet to get nominated if she couldn't find some way to kiss her ass.

However, Elissa's attempt to bond took a detour when she decided to let Aaryn know how rough she's had it in the house, especially since she's been forced to do her yoga all summer without a special mat.

“My body hurts because I don’t even like have yoga mat, and like I mean, it's really important for the type of exercise I do.”

Much like her sister Rachel Reilly, Elissa Slater is a wanna be scientist. Here Elissa proves once and for all that fake boobs can also serve as floatation devices.

As a privileged girl, Aaryn didn't even pretend to to understand to understand the hardships that Elissa was going through saying, "Yeah, I can’t even relate to that, but I am sorry."

Aaryn went on to say, “Nominations are in a few hours and I’m HOH, and you want to talk about your yoga mat? That’s the last thing that should be on your mind," before she went back complaining about how people still look down on her for making racist comments by saying, "Like, that was three weeks ago."

Not only did Elissa fail to convince Aaryn to buy her a new yoga mat, but she added insult to injury by nominating Elissa and her BFF Helen for eviction.

Thinking she was just a pawn Helen said,“I actually trust Aaryn," while Amanda taunted her in the Diary Room. “Don’t feel too safe Helen, because there’s nothing better than a good old fashioned blind-side."

While Amanda tried to lie and tell Elissa that Helen was trying to throw her under the bus, Elissa realized that Amanda was playing her.

The Power of Veto Competition was the annual "OTEV" game, where the contestants had to dig in the water and mud to find love letters referring to specific houseguests and bring them back up a water slide back to OTEV, "the brokenhearted beaver."

OTEV, "the broken hearted beaver" actually stole his name from GinaMarie Zimmerman's vagina after Nick Uhas got evicted.

Both facing possible eviction as Aaryn's nominees, Elissa came sprinting up the slide to barely eliminate Helen in round two, who couldn't quite pull herself up the final step even though she had a big lead.

Andy turned out to be collateral damage, as Elissa full out body checked him head first into a log that they were supposed to crawl under.

“I hit my head on the log and she just takes me out. I don’t really want to win the competition anyway, but at the same time, being taken out of the competition like a wimpy girl by Elissa doesn’t feel good."

With Elissa defeating Spencer in the final round to win the POV, Helen celebrated with Elissa by doing a "crazy dance," still unaware that the "3AM" alliance was planning on backdooring her. 

That caused Amanda to say, “I’m not really sure why Helen’s so excited that Elissa won the Veto. Helen, you’re going home!"

Amanda decided to tell Elissa that Helen was the one going home. She also told her that she couldn't get the numbers to change the game, and threatened her not to warn Helen.

However, unbeknownst to Amanda, Elissa and Helen had secretly synchronized their "menzies," giving them the super power to communicate telepathically.

With Helen lobbying Aaryn to put Amanda up as the replacement nominee to split her up from McCrae, Amanda got a little too cocky and decided to call Aaryn out once again for stealing a bottle of wine and drinking it during week one.

“Don’t try to justify how your bitchiness the first couple weeks wasn’t bitchiness and that you're the victim."

And while Amanda was right that Aaryn was just a little too flippant about re-living the whole situation, it probably wasn't good to call out the HOH, especially when she was still deciding on who to put up as her replacement nominee.

Having been through this once, twice or ten times with Amanda already, McCrae put up his standard disclaimer. “Here we go again, Mount St. Amanda blowing up at the top…This is a recipe for disaster. “

Not used to being the second bitch who gets to poop, Aaryn finally began to question her alliance with Amanda.

“Amanda’s tone and the way she’s talking to me right now just shows me that she thinks that she’s so much better than me in this game. Who does she think she is?"

Things got worse when Aaryn tried to stand up for herself by saying, “Everyone loved to make me look like the bitch.”

That caused Amanda to snap, “You made yourself look like the bitch! Alright, I’m not having this conversation anymore,” as she stormed out of the room dismissing Aaryn.

Getting one upped yet again left Aaryn's blood boiling. “Amanda’s won nothing, and she can talk to me that way? No. This isn’t even Big Brother anymore, it’s the "McCrae and Amanda Show.”

Sure enough, Aaryn's replacement nominee was...Spencer, because Aaryn apparently really wants to finish in 4th place. 

Trying to lay some guilt on her friend Andy, Helen told him that if she leaves it would be because of his vote after he had initially denied being the swing vote.

And while Helen told Andy to keep their conversation private, he immediately ran back and told Amanda and McCrae like the good little narc he is.

Helen also went to work on McCrae, telling him to "man up" when it came to letting Amanda play his game.

Upset to learn that others considered her bossy, Amanda demanded to know, "I'm carrying you now too? What am I, a kangaroo? How do I boss you around ever?"

That caused Spencer to politically correctly say, "I think you're assertively honest."

As a last ditch effort, Elissa and Helen both confronted Andy, saying they knew about his plan to backdoor Helen.

Playing to his weakness, they threatened Andy by telling him that the rest of house would target him in the event that Helen went home.

Andy, who said that he plays each week NOT to get nominated, seemed to take the threat serious. "If anyone even insinuates that they're going to put me on the block, I'm terrified."

However, the threat of an angry Elissa and GinaMarie coming after him did not prove to be enough, as Helen was evicted 4-1.

The first question on Connie Chung's mind in Helen's post eviction interview was, "What was so scary about Judd?"

Helen cited rumors that he was the MVP, and that he might be the cousin of Howie from Big Brother 6.

Admitting that she made a mistake in targeting Judd, Helen said, "Unfortunately for Judd, maybe he's not any of that."

Helen's disappointment turned to hunger after she was told that she would immediately be competing to get back in the house, as she asked Julie for food first since she had been a Have Not all last week.

Meanwhile, Judd had mixed emotions when it was revealed that Jessie was joining Candice and himself in the Jury House.

"When I first saw Jessie, I was really mad that she voted me out...I was also thinking, I almost forgot how hot she was."

The week left off with a simultaneous Return to the Game/HOH Competition involving two separate groups playing the same game.

The Jurors and the remaining houseguests both had to balance on an outfield wall while trying to be the first to catch ten baseballs, with the first Juror to ten getting to come back into the game, and the first Juror or remaining player to catch ten winning HOH.

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the eight week:

7. Rachel Reilly's Sister - When asked by Spencer if she's ever taken dance class Elissa said, "Yeah, what's that guy, Frank Sinatra?" She then remembered that it wasn't Frank Sinatra, but a course at "Studio Booty Shake," which are pretty easy to get confused.

Never one to miss an opportunity to ask a sexually loaded question, Spencer followed up by asking Elissa, "Have you ever danced professionally...For like dollars?" Elissa responded by saying, "No, for the Carolina Speed," which was really just a technicality, kind of like how all the "dancers" I know dance for "Kentucky Meth."

Elissa’s Slater's hair color seems to change weekly…Seriously, where the fuck is she getting her hair done?

6. Spencer Clawson - Spencer compared GinaMarie to a drug addict saying, "There are only three places those people can go, jails, institutions or death...and to me that's GinaMarie's future." When Andy added, "I could totally see her killing someone," Spencer said, "Or texting, doing her hair and exercising in her convertible Sebring and driving off a cliff."

Spencer Clawson going "Al Bundy" on some jean shorts.

5. GinaMarie Zimmerman - Speaking of GinaMarie, Andy said the cockpit in the "Have Not" room has been dubbed "GinaMarie's Fart Emporium."

Spencer said, "GinaMarie is the type of girl if you went on a date with her and she was all made up you'd be like this is going to be cool, and like you go over to her house the next day to pick something up and you'd be like, 'Yeah, is your roommate here?'" (Note how GinaMarie's Bud Light girl calendar was dated 2012...WTF happened?!?).

4. Aaryn Gries - Aaryn won't win, but she's worked her way back up in the game by becoming Amanda's "other bitch." I guess that needs clarifying...Amanda's other bitch not named McCrae or Andy.

3. Andy Herren - Perhaps the greatest floater in Big Brother history, I'd love to see Andy's head explode from an overdose of nodding, saying "yeah, yeah," and tears streaming down his cheeks in the even that he ever has to make a big decision of his own.

2. McCrae Olson - Amanda tried to win McCrae's family over by describing his penis on national TV. "It's beautiful, I would send pictures of my dick out if mine looked like his."

Unfortunately, Amanda's dick isn't nearly as pretty as McCrae Olson's, but it is bigger.

1. Amanda Zuckerman - Color me shocked that nobody had the balls to make a big move this summer and split 'McCranda" up by voting Amanda out of the house. I guess she must have won the house over with her sweet and lovable personality.

For example, when Spencer brought up that he can't get his wife to send him naked pictures on Big Brother After Dark, Amanda yelled, "Oh my God, I never don't send naked pictures!"

And while discussing sexual positions Amanda added, "Yeah, I like to be pounded fucking hard...But not like a rabbit."

When Amanda tried to show Aaryn what "backwards scissoring" is Aaryn exclaimed, "That doesn't work! That's butthole! That's butthole!"

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