Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "You'll always be Judas to me"

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With last week concluding with a double eviction episode in which Mike Boogie and Ashley were sent home, CBS provided us with some back footage detailing how those votes went down.

Ian seemed conflicted about his role as HOH.

On one hand he looked so nervous about making his on the spot nominations that he was going to piss himself, and on the other hand he demonstrated confidence like he was a mafia kingpin by asking Joe, "You gonna fuck me over?"

Frank was obviously mad at Ian for sending Boogie home saying, "Ian, you're a terrible person, and that's the truth." On the other hand, Dan told Ian, "I'd hook you up with my sister, that's how much I think of you."

And if it came down to winning the approval of Mike Boogie or Dan's sister...Sight unseen, I'm going with Dan-O's sis.

Then again, maybe Dan's statement shows just how little he feels about his sister.

Britney wisely made a deal with Frank not to eliminate each other, which effectively gave her safety from both sides of the house.

The HOH Competition required the contestants to use a pair of pull-strings to balance and manipulate a ball up a maze without having it fall off of a platform that was connected to the strings.

With each player's individual results from the first round determining the pecking order for a cascade of one on one match-ups in which the contestants squared off in a race to get their ball to the top, Frank squared off against Dan as the two lowest ranked players.
That actually proved to be beneficial for Frank, as after he defeated Dan he had the benefit of having figured out the best way to navigate the maze as he moved on to play the next lowest seeded player. He used that experience as an advantage and ended up running the table to win the HOH.

Upon entering the HOH Room, Frank was confronted with the option of opening Pandora's Box, with the possibility of getting a reward in return for unleashing something either good or bad upon the rest of the house.

With Frank's safety resting almost entirely on having won HOH, he foolishly gave into temptation and opened Pandora's Box.

While Frank did end up receiving approximately $3,341.49, his decision gave the house guests a second Veto for the week.

Unbeknownst to the other house guests, plastic Easter eggs began falling from the sky, some of which contained quarters that they could put into a mechanical claw machine where they could try to retrieve the POV as if they were playing at a carnie, or a really bad family restaurant.

With Ian winning the the extra Power of Veto, he said, "It feels really good to have it in the palm of your hand," which may have triggered a case of PTSD for Britney.

In actuality...I think that's what Chef Joe Arvin said about his penis.

While Frank considered nominating Ian to make him play his Veto and back door Dan, he instead elected to put up Dan and Danielle. That caused Danielle to exclaim, "I never want to play this game without him."

Shunned by both Shane and Dan, Danielle is now auditioning Joe to be her father figure.

The second POV Competition of the week was called "Draw Something," where the contestants tried to guess a word from drawings submitted by viewers as those drawings were slowly revealed in the stages.

Is that Ian trying to dress up like Mike Boogie as a homage, or is that Patrick Dempsey from the Can't Buy Me Love?

As a catch to the competition, after correctly guessing a clue, the "winning" house guest would only receive their points if they accepted some type of punishment.

Worried that Dan would win the POV and remove himself from the block, Frank accepted punishments that included taking an avocado bath, taking an series of "chum showers" for 24 hours whenever an alarm went off, wearing a carrot suit for one week, and sitting out of the next HOH Competition.

Making the red-headed guy wear the carrot suit...Not cool Big Brother, not cool. Although I did suggest in an earlier blog post that Frank's famous father might actually be the comedian Carrot Top, so I was on to something.

Frank's actions went for naught, as he was disqualified for trying to whisper an answer to Britney to prevent Dan from answering a clue, blatantly violating the rules that were explained before the competition began.

Meanwhile, Dan accepted a punishment of solitary confinement for 24-hours to win points, but he still ended up losing the POV to Jenn, who had aligned herself with Frank.

Upon heading to his punishment of solitary confinement, Dan lamented about losing the POV Contest, which likely sealed his fate in the game.

"Three things I love: My wife, my family, coaching, and playing this game." And even though that was four things and not three, I guess we all get the message that Dan was trying to convey.

With non-stop techno music playing, the solitary confinement room was kind of like going to the club at the Jersey Shore...Only without Snookie playing peek-a-boo with her vagina and pissing in the corner.

As Dan was released from solitary confinement 24-hours later, he appeared disorientated as he was greeted by his fellow house guests upon his return to the house. Britney also noted, "It doesn't smell so good in here...It's kind of stinky."

In a strategic move, Dan then proceeded to call a house meeting that he dubbed, "Dan's Big Brother Funeral."

At his "funeral," Dan offered a general apology to Frank about things he had said about him during the game, but said that he'd rather discuss those in further detail in private.

He then proceeded to point out positive qualities for just about everyone in the house to the point that they were moved to tears. That is everyone except for Danielle...Although she still ended up in tears.

In a shocking turn of events, Dan went on to say to Danielle:
"I learned that you gotta find one person and put 100% of your trust in it. I thought if I picked you, you would have similar qualities...And through my own fault, I was wrong. We don't need to get into it now, but in this game you'll never earn my trust back. You know what you did, and in this game you're dead to me. So don't come to me and ask about it, because it's over...Game talk ends now...Death of Dan the player."

Of course, Danielle immediately broke out in tears pleading,"What are you talking about Dan? What did I do?"

In the Diary Room Dan revealed his bomb. "Did I really go crazy in solitary confinement, or did I come up with a master plan to get myself out of this mess? Master plan Step 1, invite the house guests to Dan's Funeral. Step 2, go talk to Frank and blow up the Quack Pack."

Dan then went on to talk to Frank in the HOH room with his Bible in hand. "I brought this Bible up to you not to read to you, but to swear on." He then proceeded to lay out in great detail how Ian had joined the Quack Pack Alliance and betrayed him and Mike Boogie.

Realizing that he had been blaming Dan for Ian's actions, Frank exclaimed, "It blows my mind what Mike did for him...This kid's ruthless."

Dan then proposed putting Britney up for nomination, Ian's closest ally, since he still had the POV to use at his disposal, especially since Britney had developed social bonds with pretty much everyone else in the house that would basically guarantee her protection against getting nominated until the end.

After telling Dan, "You better not be bull-shitting me," the two formed a secret alliance to go to the final two. Frank then vowed to try and convince his ally Jenn to use her POV and save Dan.

Not only was Dan dependent on Frank to successfully sell their plan to Jenn, but he still needed to smooth things over with Danielle after making her cry...Which sounds suspiciously like my dating history.

Dan began by telling Danielle, "I just saved us both," to which she exclaimed, "You humiliated me in front of the whole house!"

After learning of Dan's master plan she backed off and asked, "Can you at least give me a forewarning next time?" Dan then smiled as he replied, "No, because you wouldn't cry."

Only then realizing that she had been manipulated, but enjoying it for some reason that only people who have never been inappropriately touched by a male family member will never know, Danielle exclaimed, "You are one sick person, Dan! So you're using my emotions..."

As Dan quickly interjected, "To help get you to the end of this game - Yes!"

And just as Dan sold Danielle on his plan with Frank to get rid of Britney, Frank convinced Jenn to use her POV and save Dan...Because as we all know, girls are incapable of making decisions on their own without the help of men.

Jenn's decision to use the POV and save Dan brought gasps and looks of shock from the house guests, as did Frank's announcement of his replacement nominee when he said, "So according to a not so wise young man, "Britney, pop a squat."

Frank must have been talking about Ian's less than diplomatic way of putting Joe up as a replacement nominee last week, because as we all know, girls like Britney don't poop."

After breaking out in tears and declaring that she didn't have "any fight in me left," Britney explained why. "I'm just shocked. I thought I was at Dan's funeral last night, and a giant carrot puts me on the block," which I guess would be just about enought to give any girl nightmares...Or possibly sex dreams.

Ian took Frank's decision to nominate Britney very hard and actually decided to flex his muscle, or his lack thereof, as he openly yelled in Frank's presence, "If anybody in this house takes him to the end, you're a fool!"

In fact, Ian's conversation with Frank that became so heated that he actually took his glasses off. And as Ian's balls dropped for the first time in his life, he realized that he was still yelling at a man dressed up like a giant carrot...Baby steps Ian, baby steps.

We were then treated to a game analysis from "The Brigade" Alliance, who had played with Britney in Season 12 of Big Brother before screwing her over in the end.

You might remember The Brigade as Lane, the redneck from Texas; Enzo, the Jersey Shore knock off with a cat fetish who liked to call himself "The Meow-Meow;" and Matt, the self proclaimed MENSA member who wasn't really very smart.

And guessing from his Halloween costume where Matt dressed up as Britney's pageant picture that he found in her HOH Room in Season 12, I'm guessing that he has some serious psychological issues as well.

Lane explained that of all the house guests aside from Britney, he'd like to have Ian as an honorary member of The Brigade because, " I'd like to use Ian to calculate a 15% tip on a $30 tab," which had to have each and every Applebee's waitress in Redneck, Texas absolutely giddy at the thought of doubling her Friday night take home pay.

Prior to getting evicted 4-1, Britney gave her nomination speech to the house, slamming Dan in classic Britney style.

"To my fellow house guests, I don't have the time or a big enough ego to host my own funeral...To quote a very, very wise old man, 'You'll always be Judas to me,'" referring to geriatric contestant Jerry's dig for Dan for his perceived betrayal in Season 10.

Sadly, Jerry didn't live to hear Britney's slam in his honor.

Britney lightened her tone towards Dan by the time she was interviewed by Connie Chung, explaining, "As a lover of the game...I can respect that it was a game move. I mean, he is really, really good at this game. He flipped the entire house in like an hour, and he used the Bible to do it."

Upon being reminded by Connie Chung that she will still get to participate as a member of the Jury, Britney sarcastically exclaimed, Yay!"

Britney Haynes seems to have caught a case of the veneers and fake boobs from Emily Maynard of The Bachelorette.

The Head of Household Competition required the contestants to hold on to a hope that revolved around a fake sun.

Thankfully, Frank was forced to sit out as the punishment he agreed to from the POV Competition, because as a fellow ginger I know that we need to avoid the sun at all costs for fear of "burn, peel, repeat."

And in what was supposed to be an endurance contest, Joe fell off before Big Brother returned from the first live commercial break, meaning he lasted less than two minutes...Which is the exact same thing that his daughter said about him (he is from Kentucky).

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 7:

7. Ian Terry - Channelling his desire to be a super hero, Ian declared in reference to Britney's eviction, "I will avenge this for sure." Of course, it kind of helps to still be in the house if you are going to go about avenging and all that.

Is the title "Super Boobie Boy" already taken, or has that one already been copywritten by DC Comics?

6. Joe Arvin - The best thing that could have happened for Joe was Dan flipping on The Quack Pack in order to save his ass. That buys Joe another couple of weeks as a non-threat in the house.

I used to think that Chef Joe Arvin yelled in the diary room because he was just uncomfortable being on camera. Now that I know he does regular webisodes for his cooking show, I see that's not the case.

5. Shane Meaney - As Shane told Britney in his video message to her after her eviction, "Ever since the first night you walked into this house and picked on me for wearing a woman's shirt, I knew we were going to be inseparable." Of course, everyone knows that the prettier your hag, the worse you are at being gay.

And when Shane Meaney says that he's secure in his sexuality, he shows us that he's comfortable with being a bi-sexual by wearing women's clothing.  

4. Jenn Arroyo - After being told by Frank to use the POV on Dan, Jenn proclaimed, "No one can say that Jenn City didn't make a big move," proving that lesbians need men to think for them just as much as straight chicks do.

3. Frank Eudy - With nowhere else to turn in the house, I think that Frank actually made a smart move aligning himself with Dan. I just think that given Frank's strong physical and social games, Dan will be looking for the opportunity to turn on him the first opportunity he gets...You know, kind of like Judas.

2. Danielle Murphree - Between Dan and Shane, Danielle is just blindly following guys around.

With a clear case of "The Daddy Issues," I''m guessing that somewhere along the line a family member touched Danielle Murphree inappropriately.
Danielle Murphree bikini

1. Dan Gheesling - As Connie Chung noted, the New York Post is calling Dan "The best player in Big Brother history" after his flawlessly executed plan to take himself off the block when it seemed all but certain that he'd be heading home before he entered solitary confinement for 24-hours.

Or as Dan said, "If my plan works...I'm gonna be off the block from a guy who put on a carrot suit, took an avocado bath, took a chum bath, and sat out a HOH Competition all to get me out!"

Even though I was probably pulling for Britney to win, aside from Ragan calling Rachel Reilly "Ra-tress," Dan's plan this week probably made for my second favorite episode of Big Brother ever just because he pulled off the unthinkable.

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