Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "If your dog has really blue eyes, his dog has 'golden eyes...GOLDEN EYES!"

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With Frank unable to compete in the HOH Competition, his hopes were pinned to Mike Boogie, his only remaining true alliance member to ensure his safety for the week.

Of course, being the true team player and cheap bastard he is, Boogie opted out of going for HOH and instead pursued the $10,000 temptation jug to help with his legal fees, much to Frank's chagrin.

Boogie ended up winning the $10,000, chalking up his ability to navigate the slippery surface to being "Roller speed skating Regional Champion 1986, HOLLA!"

Of course, if we do the math on the 42-year-old man who calls himself "Boogie," he just gave us a pretty good glimpse of what his weekends were like as a 17-year-old.

Let's just say that Mike Boogie probably wasn't droppin' too many "dimes" if he was busy trying to con some dude into slow dancing with him to Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" at the local Roll-A-Rena.

Britney won the other temptation jug, but instead of going for enough money to treat a genital wart like Mike Boogie did, she pursued individual immunity for the week.

And just when I thought that there might actually be a line that "Mike Boogie" Malin wouldn't cross just to get himself in front of the cameras, we found out that he volunteered to have his friend, The Evil Dr. Will Kirby, remove a genital wart from his junk on national TV.

With Dan coming up just short on the temptation jug that would have given him individual immunity, Shane managed to win yet another competition to become the week's HOH.

It was then that Ian came to Britney and told her that Mike had approached him before the HOH Competition about nominating either Shane or herself in the event that Ian won, which would've gone against their "Silent Six" alliance.

But before he nearly caused three different alliances to crumble, Ian had more important business to take care of...Winning back his "flirt-mance" with Ashley following her make-out session with Frank.

Determined to step up with his game this time, Ian decided to let Britney "man-scape" him, which was bad enough that it required her to put on a pair of rubber gloves.

I don't know if Ian was more excited for his pizza date with Ashley or his grooming appointment with Britney, as he proclaimed, "In real life, beautiful women don't hold me down and rub things on my body, so this is definitely a pretty awesome day."

Of course, during the scope of his de-weeding session, Britney was seen gagging and exclaiming, "Nobody wants to go out with Ian when he has pit hair frickin' taller than trees...It's like a molting ferret!" I guess that explains the "Janine Lindamulder gloves."

Ian didn't fair so well on his date with Ashley though, remaining silent for much of their dinner. When he did initiate a conversation, it involved how much Mexican food he ate for lunch and when he was going to take his next poop, which is not exactly the material of 50 Shades of Grey, at least not the edited version.

When Ashley asked, "Did you ever go to the bathroom? You're going to have to go after that," Ian proved that he was totally comitted to their date by saying, "Yeah, I definitely am, but I'm gonna wait until it will be easier."

Needless to say, there isn't going going to be a third date.

As a historian of the game, Ian conversed with Mike Boogie and Frank about who would get to play in a Big Brother All-Stars game based upon "Good" and "Evil."

When Ian said that he'd have a chance at being on the "Evil" team if he made a few big moves, Boogie laughed him off by calling him "America's sweetheart."

Completely unaware that Ian had already ratted him out to Britney, Boogie then proclaimed that he was a 9 on a scale of 10 when it came to being safe for the week.

Despite a "Mystery Box" that showed up in the arcade machine with a question mark on it, thereby raising the possibility that Rachel Reilly's vag might be returning to the game, Shane still followed through and nominated Boogie and Frank.

Completely blind-sided by his nomination, Mike Boogie went the offensive, seeking an explanation from Shane. Instead of telling Boogie that with $500,000 on the line he didn't owe him any type of explanation, Shane ended up completely cracking under Boogie's interrogation.

Not wanting to out Ian as The Quack Pack's mole, Ian blamed Britney. After Britney scolded Shane for bringing her name up, Britney she threw Dan under the bus by refusing to answer when Boogie and Frank demanded to know if Dan was the one plotting against them.

Dan then completed the "vicious circle" of distrust by threatening to out Ian when he realized that he had become Boogie and Frank's primary target.

Mike Boogie remained in the dark about Ian betrayal, however, telling him to watch out for Dan because he convinced Shane to nominate Frank and himself. That caused Ian to say in the diary room, "(Dan's) not the wolf in sheep's clothing, I am."

In fact, Boogie was so snowed by Ian that he chose him to compete on his behalf in the POV Competition, which involved estimating the number of pieces of candy in various large containers, unaware that Ian intended on throwing that competition.

In that contest, the contestants could either elect to pass and move on to the next round or guess the amount, with the closest earning a point, and the player who didn't pass who was furthest from the correct answer getting eliminated.

During the POV Ashely unleashed her "Picture Method," in which she tried to "picture everything in pictures, and see how many pictures can fit within the picture." Get it? Me neither.

When it came time for Ashley to guess the number of lollipops there were in a 3-D tree, Ashley changed to a more scientific strategy.

"In my mind I'm thinking how many little bushels of lollipops can fit into the first tier of the tree. You have to double it because it's a 3-D object, then you would do 12 x 12, then you add them all together."

Unbeknownst to her, Ashley's strategy was fatally flawed from the time she said, "In my mind I'm thinking..."

With the contestants needing to earn three points to earn the POV, Frank faced off against Ashley in the finals.

While Ashley's scientific skills were clearly worthy of a Nobel Prize, she failed to consider that Frank was leading by a score of 2-1 when she passed on her final answer, which automatically handed him the POV by default.

With Mike Boogie on also on the nominating block, Frank exclaimed, "I wish I had two of these jokers," before using the POV to protect himself. That left Shane to put Jenn up as a replacement nominee.

Not having done anything significant all summer to make any waves, Jenn picked the wrong time to overreact about going on the block and irrationally demanded an explanation from Shane since she was simply going up as a pawn to ensure that Boogie got sent home.

Mike Boogie continued to get played by Ian, going so far as to make a plea for his safety. "The only thing I ask of Dan is to not do wrong by Ian. Frank's a big boy, he's going to battle...Just watch out Ian, (Dan's) a beast."

Of course, Mike didn't realize that Ian was really the beast...That is, as much as you can consider someone that he had to take to the bathroom the week he voluntarily wore the dog suit a beast.

Ian worried, "I'm just glad that Boogie won't be anywhere near me when he finds out that I had a hand in his going home, but hey, I learned from the master. Like father like son."

However, Boogie was evicted in a 5-2 vote, Ian approached him and said that he was going to see things that he wasn't going to like. Of course, as a historian of the game, Ian should've been aware that there have been many instances in the game of Big Brother where an evicted house guest has returned...Just sayin'.

That caused Boogie to warn Frank, "Ian is not to be trusted!" You know, because Mike Malin is a man of the utmost integrity.

Here's Mike Boogie's mug shot from when he assaulted a waitress at a Denver sports bar. To summarize, so far Boogie has been sued for embezzling money to pay for fetish sex with older men, treated for genital warts on national TV, and been arrested for assaulting a woman. That's pretty much the Triple Crown of douche-baggery, or as I'm going to call it, a "Douche-Boogery"...What a guy!

Britney rubbed some salt in Boogie's wound by mimicking his routine with The Evil Dr. Will by having an imaginary phone conversation in the diary room.

"Ring - Ring. Hello? Hey Janelle. No, Mike Boogie is actually not here, but I was just leaving a message for him. Is there anything you'd like to say? Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!"

And as Mike Boogie left the house, he gave thanks to his business partner, Lonnie Moore. To clarify, that's the business partner he's getting sued with, not the one he's getting sued by.

Before the house guests could enjoy the official dissolution of Chilltown, Inc., they were informed that this week was going to be a double eviction, and they headed straight into a HOH Competition.

That contest consisted of a series of "before or after" questions pertaining to the sequence of events that took place in the Big Brother house over the summer. Of course, that lead to an easy victory for Ian, a huge student of the game.

With Ian winning HOH, he was forced to immediately nominate two people, and he decided to put up Frank and Ashley.

However, Frank followed his nomination up by winning the POV Competition by finding three clovers in a Rainbow themed bubble pit, or as it's known on a larger scale, St. Patrick's Day in Boston.

Frank taunted Ian by yelling, "YOU DESERVE IT IAN," and took himself off the block.

Shane brought back two prizes from the POV Competition, one that he could play and one that he could lick...The POV and Ashley.

Forced to put up a replacement nominee, Ian exhibited a new found swagger and said to Joe, "Nothing personal, pop a squat man." However, it was Ashley who was evicted 5-1.

As Ashely left the house, my girlfriend wondered if she was secretly super smart and just playing stupid while she was in the house. Almost on cue, Ashley greeted Julie and exclaimed, "I love your side pony!" So to answer that question...No, no she wasn't.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 6:

8. Joe Arvin - It's just a matter of time until Joe goes home, but for now, he's sticking around because he poses no threat to the real players in the game.

This week we heard stories from him that included the time that he was throwing rocks over a cliff and had his watch fall off and fly over the edge. Only when he turned around, he found that same watch laying on the ground. On top of that, when he picked it up he noticed, "On top of the watch in heavy, heavy dust was Greek lettering."

He also claimed that his family once owned the land that the White House was built upon, but sold it for "a mule and a fifth of whiskey." Given that Joe's family is originally from Lexington, KY, I don't doubt that his family sold the land that a white house was built on for a mule and some whiskey, but I highly doubt that it was the White House...Similar wording, but a big difference.

As Britney described the way Joe always has to one-up everybody else's stories, "If your dog has really blue eyes, his dog has 'golden eyes...GOLDEN EYES!'"

7. Jenn Arroyo - After being nominated Jenn demanded, "Shane, will you please tell me what the Hell is going on?" Ian responded by saying.

"This tattooed rocker is overreacting. She couldn't be a bigger pawn right now against one of the legends of the game, and she needs to chill out or else this plan is going to blow-up in my face."

That biggest strategic decisions Jenn Arroyo has made all season have been deciding what color to dye her hair, and whether or not to let her "tit-tat" show.

6. Frank Eudy - Frank threw a jab Joe's way in his vote to evict him by saying, "I vote to evict the terrible Chef Joe," which seemed a bit harsh...I mean, who wouldn't want someone who masterbates on a TV show with a live 24-hour TV feed, doesn't wash his hands, and french kisses your hard boiled eggs cooking for them?

5. Dan Gheesling - If people are wondering why Dan is wearing an Arkansas Football t-shirt, it's not because he swapped shirts with Britney like players in the Big Brother house frequently do. It's because as a Coach in the Big Brother game, he's paying homage to his idol, former Michigan State and new Razorback head coach, John L. Smith.

Hey Pig Suey Nation...Good luck with that.

4. Danielle Murphree - Gaining weight and losing standing in my Big Brother Power Rankings is not exactly how you want your summer to progress if you want to win the $500,000 or the heart of a man who was never really that interested in you to begin with.

Seriously, if I didn't know that this was a shot of Danielle Murphree's ass, I would have guessed that it was Kelly Clarkson or Nelly Furtado.

3. Shane Meaney - Seriously, this guy is totally awesome...And by totally awesome, I mean he's "pretty extremely super fucking cool," the title I earned in college for walking back to confront a police officer after she decided not to write me up for open intox.

2. Ian Terry - Ian got the idea to man-scape his armpits for his date with Ashley after learning of a hair removal product that Shane uses on his chest. I'll call that decision questionable, but his part in sending Mike Boogie home was absolutely the move of the summer. 

And by the way Ian, most women call that product Nair.

1. Britney Haynes - When Britney first returned to the game as a coach, she wasn't nearly as funny as snarky as she was during her appearance on Season 12. Now she appears to be getting her groove back, as she's slowly building some solid alliances, keeping the target off of her back, and busting on some of the all time greats in the game of Big Brother.

Plus she's got a great ass...Great to have you back Britney.

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