Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "Can you throw me my pants? I'm not wearing much"

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With last week's HOH Competition still in progress and Joe failing to last longer than Jerry Sandusky at a Justin Bieber concert, he became subject to a punishment for finishing in last place pursuant to "America's Vote."

I know I've used this one before, but to give Joe Arvin credit, he did last slightly longer in the HOH Competition than he did the night he went to bed thinking about Jenn Arroyo.

The punishment that America subjected Joe to was a "Hula-Hoop Boot Camp," where he was subjected to doing the hula-hoop every time the military tune Revelry was played for a period of 24-hours.

As Shane said, "There's nothing fun about watching a middle aged, overweight, half-naked guy jump up on his bed and do the hula-hoop at midnight."

Strangely though, that sounds like something that Mike Boogie would have paid extra for, at least according to the lawsuit filed by his ex-business partner.

In a strategic move, Ian asked Dan to come back and reunite The Quack Pack even though Dan broke that alliance by outing them to Frank in order to save himself last week.

Dan was actually on board saying, "Last week you saw me host my own funeral and swear my allegiance to Frank. Now I'm flipping it around. I'm hosting Frank's funeral and swearing my allegiance to The Quack Pack."

Danielle continued to pursue her one sided Showmance with Shane, especially after receiving some mis-information from Jenn, who told her Shane had said he was torn up last week having to choose between sending his coach and girlfriend friend.

Upon hearing the word "girlfriend," Danielle may have tinkled in her pants just a little bit when she gushed, "Did he really?" Of course, Jenn misunderstood Shane, who had actually said that he was torn between having to choose between his Coach and his hag.

Danielle later thought that Dan was trying to help her out romantically by getting Shane to switch beds so he would sleep with her.

"I think Dan's trying to get him out of this (bed) and get Shane to sleep with me...C'mon, do you really think something will happen in a room full of dudes?"

As much as any man would love to sleep with the post weight gain, no make-up version of Danielle Murphree, she's probably right about nothing romantic happening between her and Shane in a room full of dudes...She'd just be wrong if she thought that the decision not to was hers.

As the new Head of Household, Ian couldn't have been happier to get his own room, kind of like the kid who just graduated from a bunk bed that he shared with his younger brother.

Ian relived his childhood, first by jumping up and down on his bed, and then by asking Dan, Danielle and Shane, "Can one of you throw me my pants, I'm not wearing much," after they came up to talk to him as he was laying in bed without any pants on.

Ian decided to work with Dan again and nominate Frank and Jenn for eviction, but not before living the total Big Brother experience by opening Pandora's Box.

As we know, Pandora's Box brings the opportunity for a reward, but at the same time unleashes some type of negative consequence upon the house.

While Ian was thrilled to win $1,000 and some cheap scientific toy kits, the negative consequence was former contestant Jessie Godderz, who entered the house dressed in a gay Santa Claus outfit saying, "Ho-Ho-Holy cow I look good."

Now a low level professional wrestler who dubs himself as "Mr. Rectacular" after posing naked for some gay pornography, former Big Brother contestant Jessie Godderz entered the Big Brother house to remove the contestents junk food and replace it with healthy alternatives...Like steroids and human growth hormone.

After engaging in a penis measuring contest with Shane (they both lost), Jessie finally left the house to Frank saying, "Peace out, and stay out!"

An obviously confused Danielle said, "I've never seen a Santa in a speedo," which in Alabama is just about as rare as seeing a person of Mexican descent.

In the POV Competition, we saw the return of "Otev The Alien," who had crash landed and needed to re-fuel his spaceship with corn to get back home.

Otev told he contestants that they were required to answer questions about their fellow house guests by finding husks with the name of the correct answer, and then "kneeling on a vacant sack and presenting your corn to me."

To add an extra element of difficulty, when the correct answer was Mike Boogie, the corn cob they were looking for was the one with the genital wart.

Upon seeing the Roswell like crash scene in the back yard Joe commented, "I walked out back and thought for sure I was back home. I saw cows, pigs, I saw corn. Have I ever seen a UFO? I've had some sightings, but I couldn't say I was that clear headed."

Having won the POV, Dan continued to play both sides, persuading Ian to put Frank up without having to get his own hands dirty, while making Frank think they were still working together.

In fact, Frank even agreed that Dan should use the POV on Jenn instead of himself so as to avoid suspicion from the rest of the house that they were working together. Of course, Dan saw as the perfect opportunity to backdoor him.

That allowed Dan to return Jenn's favor from last week and take her off the nomination block. "Where I'm from, the hardworking town of Dearborn, Michigan, I was taught you don't make deals until you pay back your debts."

Willie Hantz: And in Lafayette, Louisiana, you learn that if you are drunk in a parking lot where police are investigating a fight, you jump in your bright yellow Camaro and try to flee...Because that's what guys who drive Camaros and/or have the last name Hantz do.

That left Ian to act like he was upset with Dan, and put Joe on the block as a replacement nominee as a pawn against Frank. "Dan you continue to stir up the pot...For the lack of no other option, I've decided to nominate Joe."

With Frank believing he was the a pawn to send Joe home, Dan almost blew his game when discussing their worst case scenario for who would win the next HOH.

Dan blurted out, "What about Joe though? What if Joe pulled out a miracle," not realizing that he was telling this to the person that he just assured would be staying in the house in the upcoming vote over Joe.

That caused Dan to say, "Oh crap! Did I just let that slip in front of Frank?"

As bad as Dan's near blunder was, Joe took the prize for drinking "stupid juice" after Dan suspiciously quizzed him on who'd he'd nominate in the event he won the HOH.

Annoyed by Dan's interrogation, Joe blurted out, "Could he BE any dumber?" He then proceeded to walk into a dark bedroom and divulge, "Dan chased me in here as soon as I went to bed." When he asked "who?" Joe again replied, "Dan did."

Dan practically couldn't refrain from giggling when he said, "This is Dan!" Realizing that he had just got busted in a dark bedroom for the second time in just a few weeks, all Joe could manage to say was, "What's up!"

Frank was still confident that he would stay in the house saying, "On the block is just like going to work." Of course he was voted out 3-1, which was kind of fitting since he's unemployed.

In what was revealed to be a double elimination week, the contestants immediately competed in a second HOH Competition, which was a quick Q and A based upon quotes from different house guests. Dan ended up winning, and put up Joe and Ian as his nominees.

When Ian won the Power of Veto, Dan put up Danielle as a replacement nominee, although she didn't look all that happy with Dan as she talked to Jenn about being on the block.

In fact, the timing might be right for Jenn, Danielle and Shane to break away from Dan and Ian and work together, which I would call the "Gay, Straight and Bi Alliance."

While Joe proclaimed, "I'm the single biggest threat - in the kitchen" at his pre-vote speech, he still ended up getting voted out 3-0.

Not only is Chef Joe Arvin correct about being the biggest threat in the kitchen due to the e-coli threat from his reluctance to wash his hands after pooping, he apparently went to the worst culinary school in all of America...Oh wait, he's from Kentucky. 

And as Joe was interviewed upon exiting the house, Connie Chung then got to the only question that mattered. "Everyone wants to know the answer to this question. What is that on your chin?"

As it turns out, Joe informed the audience that it was just there to wipe up the remnants from one of Jessie Godderz's famous protein shakes.

And while Joe may not have won the game of Big Brother, he certainly brought enough negative publicity about his cooking skills and personal hygiene to put his restaurant out of business for ever.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 8:

5. Jenn Arroyo - When he put Jenn on the nomination block Ian said, "You've played a remarkable social game so far, and you're also a threat," proving that even "America's Sweetheart" Ian isn't above telling a lie or two in the Big Brother house.

4. Shane Meaney - In an article posted on his alma mater's web site at Lydon State Community College, Shane was quoted as saying, “I hope to win America over. I want the girls to want to be with me. And I want the guys to want to be me. I’m pretty confident.”

What I think he meant to say was, “I want the girls to want to be with me. And I want the guys to want to be with me.”

3. Danielle Murphree - From time to time people arrive at my blog by Google searching questions they have about the show. For example, this week someone arrived by searching, "What make-up does Danielle Murphree wear?"

As a player, Danielle needs to consider breaking away from Dan or Shane and making a big move so as to avoid making it to the end, only to lose votes for riding on the coat-tails of other players. Perhaps leading a break from The Quack Pack and aligning with Jenn and Shane would get her the respect that she'd need to win a jury vote.

And to answer the question, "What make-up does Danielle Murphree wear?" The correct answer is, "all of it."

2. Ian Terry - Aside from Dan, Ian's playing the best game in the Big Brother house, and this week he was rewarded for winning the HOH with some gifts from home.

After receiving some gifts from home, Dan came into Ian's HOH Room and fondled his monkey, which is the most action Ian's received in the Big Brother house since Britney and Ashley forcibly raped him and shaved his armpit hair..

1. Dan Gheesling - Dan has made pretty much played the perfect game in making every move that he's needed to make to stay in the game despite having the deck stacked against him from the start.

The question that remains is whether or not those moves will cost him votes on the Jury when it comes to people that he's screwed over like Frank, Britney, Jenn and Joe...Well maybe not Jenn and Joe...You actually have to play the game to get screwed over.

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