Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "My ass is too big! My big Brazilian booty!"

As the contestants were divided into three tribes and sent their respective beaches to start the season, they were told that they could gather as many supplies as they could carry in 60 seconds and take them back to their camps.

In the mad scramble to get those supplies, ex-Major League Baseball player suffered a knee injury that he believed might be a torn MCL as he jumped from the main boat to his tribe's raft.

Much like the time that Jeff Kent lied to the San Francisco Giants about breaking his wrist trying show off to his teammates while popping wheelies on his motorcycle, which was in direct violation of his contract, he tried to conceal his kee injury from his tribe so as to avoid becoming a target as a medical liability.

Jeff also tried to conceal the fact that he was an ex-Major League player, instead telling his Kalabaw Tribe members that he was an amateur motocross rider who owned a ranch and motorcycle dealership in Texas.

Of course, Jeff neglected to remember that he still has the signature porn 'stache that he sported his entire big league career spanning the early 1990's until he retired after the 2008 season.

I know that Jeff Kent loves his signature racist mustache so much that he kept it well past it's fashionable prime of 1985, but don't you think he'd have been smart enough to shave it before coming on a show like Survivor if the former National League MVP wanted to conceal his identity?

And as it turned out, Jeff Kent's mustache was just the clue that Sarah Dawson needed to piece together his true identity.

"I used to spend time with a guy who was really into baseball, and I know who Jeff Kent is. There's been no mention of him being a former professional athlete who's made probably $30 million."

Of course, I found it odd that Sarah referred to her source as a guy she used to spend time with. It seems to me that if it was a friend, you'd just call him a "friend," or if it was an ex-boyfriend, you'd say "my ex-boyfriend."

I'm a huge baseball fan, and while I'd probably eventually piece together who Jeff Kent was, I'm not even sure that I'd make that connection on day one, especially if I was from Maryland and my only connection to the game was some guy I used to hang out with.

So my best guess is that the guy Sarah "used to spend time with" was one of the show's producers who tipped her off to who Jeff really was.

For some reason Dana, the cute little lesbian from Arkansas, saw Jeff as a prospective partner to align with, probably showing why she's better off with women than the men she grew up with in the deep South.

"I'm from the South...I grew up ridin' 4-wheelers, fishin'. I can fight any boy in the trailer park that would ever challenge me, so maybe me and Jeff can pull some southern roots together and bond on that."

Of course, Dana failed to realize that Jeff Kent's homophobe, who's redneck roots have lead him to donate money against Proposition 8, so I'm guessing that her proposed alliance might not work out.

Returning player Jonathan Penner alienated himself from the rest of the Kalabaw Tribe by going off on his own and looking for the hidden Immunity Idol, and while he did not actually find it, he did find a clue to where it was hidden.

At the Tandang Tribe, the narcissistic Peter said, "Ari keeps staring at me, and I think that's going to be a big advantage." Of course he did not realize that Abi and RC had just giggled aloud while calling him "stupid."

Ironically, Michael is really an engineer, while Abi Maria Gomes unsuccessfully tried to cram her ass into her buff and wear it as a micro mini skirt while exclaiming, "My ass is too big...My big Brazilian booty!"

Nonetheless, RC and Ari still made an alliance with Peter and Michael, while former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel went virtually unrecognized and actually found herself ostracized from the rest of the Tribe.

In fact, Lisa refused to divulge who she was even after Michael urged her to do so since the younger tribe members like RC and Abi were already starting to call her "fake." And by fake, they really meant to say "old." 

Returning contestant Michael, who was medically evacuated from the game in Survivor's second season when he fell into the fire, reflected on his decision to return to play the game for the first time since season two.

"A lot of people that said maybe you should never play again, because now you're opening yourself up to the legend of what I was, to what I am today."

Fortunately Michael did nothing to diminish his legacy, as he picked up right where he left off and collected wounds to his finger, hand, head and foot, any of which appeared to be deep enough to pose an infection risk in their moist tropical climate.

That caused Peter to say, "Mike's a complete mess. It's not funny that he gets hurt, but it's funny that it happens over and over again...We'll see when we get a fire what happens."

At the Matsing Tribe, Zane proved that he was the most overwhelmed contestant to play the game of Survivor from an intellectual standpoint since Leif Manson, who as a little person was still more capable of playing from a physical standpoint than Zane.

Zane alienated himself at Matsing by trying to make an alliance with every single one of his tribemates, then doing little to conceal that fact.

Caught up in his own little white trash purple haze, at least Zane got to enjoy his one day on national TV thinking that he was the best player on Survivor since "Johnny Fairplay," not realizing that his tribemates were already comparing notes about how he was trying to play all sides.

"I'm already a superstar. I made alliances with everybody on the tribe...It's really up to me now to pick them apart."

On the other hand, Denise, the 41-year-old sex therapist from Iowa made an unlikely alliance with Malcolm, the 25-year-old ex Dartmouth football player who seems content in life just partying and working as a bartender.

Meanwhile, Russell Swan repeatedly told his Matsing tribemates that he did not want them to assume that he was their leader just because he was a returning player explaining, "Because there's always some guy who's an idiot (who says), 'I think I should be the leader.'"

Ironically, that idiot turned out to be Russell, who still couldn't override his instincts with intellect and immediately began bossing his tribe around and telling them how to set up camp and divide up tasks for the Immunity Challenge.

In fact, when it came to the Immunity Challenge Russell made the ditsy beauty queen Angie put together the tribe's puzzle even though she specifically told him that she was not good at doing them, while having the fat chain smoker Zane run the obstacle course when he had a triathlete like Denise as a better option.

That Immunity Challenge required each of the three tribes to assign different sets of players to run through an obstacle course and to get a set of paddles, canoe out into the ocean and get a bag of clues, and then solve the aforementioned puzzle.

Sure enough, Matsing finished in dead last when Russell literally had to drag Zane to the finish of the obstacle course and Angie looked more confused working on her puzzle than a Mormon without a mountain bike, making them the first tribe to go to Tribal Council.

It wasn't fair of Russell to make Angie Layton do the puzzle at the Immunity Competition. After all, the girl has enough problems figuring out a way to fit her fake boobs into a bikini top, let alone complete a 5th grade level puzzle.

Back at Matsing, Russell caught a break when he found the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol in the rice jar while preparing to cook. However, Zane saw him reading the clue as he snuck off into the ocean, raising his suspicions.

In reference to his poor performance as one of the runners at the Immunity Challenge, Zane threw himself under the bus saying, "I deserve it," referencing how Russell had to literally drag him to the end since he had just quit smoking before coming on the show.

Drinking Monster Energy Drink and chain smoking is not the ideal way to prepare for an opportunity of a lifetime like being on Survivor.

Of course, Zane wasn't trying to get himself voted out, he was just trying to manipulate the rest of the tribe. "My whole reason I'm throwing my neck on the chopping block is to establish that I'm running the game."

Zane then took a page out of Sarah Palin's political strategy book.

"This whole rogue that I just threw on was just to feel out my tribe...So hopefully everybody loves me to the point that they'd rather have me as a hindrance over Russell...You ain't never seen a move like this in Survivor history."

I think that Zane meant to use the word "ruse" instead of "rogue," but other than than that, the Sarah Palin analogy still applies to his strategy and game play.

For some reason, Zane's redneck mind trick seemed to be working, as Malcolm and Angie both considered keeping him around over Russell. Their only concern in doing so was that Russell might had found the hidden Immunity Idol.

And if there was any doubt that Zane wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, which is ironic in that he literally works in a tool shed, he proclaimed that he was 100% sure that Russell did in fact have the Immunity Idol, even though he didn't.

That all but assured that they would send him home for fear that Russell might end up playing it.

And while Zane tried to sell himself at Tribal Council over Russell by saying returning players are "like an onion, the more you peel back, the more you cry," he was voted out, cementing Zane's legacy as one of the worst contestants to ever play the game.

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