Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "If you don't take me to the final two, I will castrate you with a butter knife"

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This week's episode began with a behind the scenes recap of what went on during last week's live double eviction.

During that recap we saw Ian: 1) Pray - "Please God, I'm begging you, I'm begging you, please;" 2) Begin crying; and then, 3) Say, "(It) was one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life."

Sadly, that's exactly how the night I ever had sex for the first time played out for me.

In actuality, we learned that Dan had originally targeted Ian last week under the guise of putting him up as a pawn, only to see Ian save himself by winning the Power of Veto and then this week's HOH.

Dan had to struggle to keep his multiple final two deals together, as Danielle was pissed at him for putting her up as a replacement nominee. "This is the third time Dan has pulled a fast one on me."

Meanwhile, Jenn "Shitty" was pissed at Dan too...Because apparently she didn't appreciate the way he carried her fat ass all the way to the final five even though she didn't make a meaningful game move without his prompting all summer.

Lesbians...They never dp seem to appreciate everything men do for them.

As HOH, Ian was the first house guest in Big Brother history to be presented with the opportunity to open Pandora's Box for a second time.

For some reason, Ian again risked his position of power in the house with a potential negative outcome on the line in order to pursue a reward in what he thought was a message from home, especially since he knew that Rachel Reilly's "box" was still out there.

With a teaser that he would receive a message from "somebody who loved him," and with a picture of his parents on the screen, to nobody's surprise Ian instead received a message from Big Brother's favorite venereal disease, Season 13 winner Rachel Reilly.

As a former Vegas "Go-Girl," Rachel Reilly was happier a whore in a strip club locker room. No wait, that might be the saddest place on earth, but for some reason Rachel still looks happy!

As Rachel went on and on about how she won Big Brother 13 by relying on her fiance Brendan, Ian was heard complaining, "It's like I'm on a bad date...I'm going to vomit," which is exactly how I'd expect somebody like Ian to react to being on a date with a chick who has a penis.

Finally, a NuvaRing big enough to fit Rachel Reilly's vagina.

The rest of the house fared better with Ian's decision to open Rachel's Box, with each contestant getting a videotaped message from a loved one at home.

The three things we learned from those messages were: Danielle Murphree's parents still don't approve of her being on Big Brother, as her sister was the one who sent her a message; Dan Gheesling's wife Chelsea is smoking hot; and,  So is Shane Meaney's sister.

After Ian nominated Jenn and Shane, Jenn talked about how bad she needed to win the POV by proclaiming, "It's in my soul, it's in my blood." And when she said she was "a fighter," she really meant to say "Rod Stewart."

For the first time all summer, Danielle began to question whether Shane was really into her. And shortly after Jenn seemed to convince her that he was playing her, Shane won the POV and earned a "secret" outside of the house reward that he elected to bring Danielle along with him on.

And just like that, we discovered the one thing that could make the U.S. Women's Gold Medal Olympic Team instantaneously less peppy...A visit from Danielle and Shane.

After affirming to Danielle that they were "officially on their first date," Shane took advantage of it by asking her, "Are you gonna let me sleep in your bed tonight?" Danielle then played it totally cool by excitedly responding, "You want to?!?"

Usually when guys start dating a girl, they hope she doesn't turn into her mom. Somehow, with all of her weight gain, Danielle Murphree has managed to become her mom in the course of a single summer, which is why Shane appears to be tuning her out and forcing her to give him a blow job.

Danielle went on to say, "This is one of the top moments in my life so far." Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to meeting the only official "Fab Fab" in the history of U.S. sports, but rather to the fact that a boy had just asked her if it was okay to crawl into bed together for the first time.

Deciding to use his POV, Shane took himself off the block, which left Ian to put up Danielle as a replacement nominee. However, Jenn was still voted off by a vote of 2-0.

Jenn then proceeded to do the most interesting thing she did all summer in scarfing down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Connie Chung had offered her since she had been on slop the whole second half of the summer, although I'm thinking that the producers of Big Brother could have splurged for some pizza...Or at least some tuna casserole.

The HOH Competition consisted of a "Photographic Memory" contest, in which the players had to match photos of former house guests to true or false questions. And while Ian claimed to actually have a photographic memory, it was Danielle who actually ended up winning HOH.

We next got our first glimpse at the Jury House, where Brittney seemed to have gotten over having been betrayed by Dan, in what turned out to be a brilliant move that left her blindsided.

Out of respect for his game Brittney said, "Dan definitely burned me in the end. 'Funeral Gate,' shall we say...We all got played by Dan...It's like a club, it's called 'The Jury House.'"

In a strategic move, Dan told Danielle that it was alright if she nominated him along with Ian, showing good faith for his trust in Shane, and she obliged.

The POV Competition was another tailor made contest for Ian called, "Atomic Veto," as it consisted of solving a molecular style puzzle by matching clues with the picture of of one of several potentially correct house guests as answers.

However, Ian struggled with the competition. As Dan said, "After Ian hits the buzzer, I knew he's not right, because I hear him internally melt down and make some type of monster noise."

After Danielle won the POV, Dan convinced her to use it on him, saying he'd be the more trustworthy vote to ensure that the two of them made the final three along with Shane.

Surprisingly, Shane went along with the plan after Danielle after Danielle approached him and assured him that Dan was not going to vote him out. You know...Because he's a male model.

Danielle went as far as to tell Dan, "If you don't take me to the final two, I will castrate you with a butter knife!"

However, Danielle failed to make that same threat to Dan's noisemaker when it came to protecting Shane, and Dan backdoored him as the sole vote to evict.

That cause Ian to hyperventilate and pace around the Big Brother house on his toes while excitedly muttering, "What - Just - Happened!?!"

Danielle was less than pleased that Dan sent the guy who really didn't care about her at all home, demanding to know, "How many times have you broken my trust Dan?"

Danielle probably would have been fine getting backdoored by Shane, but for some reason, she was shocked when Shane got backdoored by Dan...Perhaps the pink shirts should have been her first clue.

Dan then tried to convince Danielle that all of his moves were designed to ensure that she made it to the final two, without Danielle realizing that he didn't want to bring her there as her former Coach and help her win, but as a player, because he wanted somebody that he knew he could beat in the end.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 9:

3. Ian Terry - As good as Ian is playing, is he really prepared to win the game? I mean, would winning totally go to his head, causing him to drop out of school and fly to Vegas and hook up with Rachel Reilly when she hits on him because he's obviously played the game superior to Brendon?

2. Danielle Murphree - After being informed that a special eviction would be taking place a day early, Danielle and Shane jumped to action...Not to work their strategy, but to primp themselves for the live cameras.

The only thing I can't figure out is why aren't Danielle's finger nails aren't painted.

1. Dan Gheesling - If Brittney Haynes becomes a correspondent for ET Tonight as I have advocated, three time author of motivational type books, Dan Gheesling is the new Tony Robbins. Seriously, there are a lot of stupid people out there, and the contestants on Big Brother this year all seem to be buying whatever Dan has to say.

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